Discipline: Are your children treated unfairly?
Adele Cornish, BSW
In response to last week’s tip I received an email from a mother saying her own children are treated unfairly because they have to abide by the rules and are disciplined while her stepson has no rules or discipline:
“My kids get disciplined by me and my husband. My husband disciplines my kids for things HIS kid does all of the time and he doesn’t discipline his kid for the EXACT same things. That’s the unfair part – NOT THE SAME RULES APPLY TO EVERYONE in the house.”
If you can relate to this, I’d appreciate your feedback to the following questions:
1. What do you believe discipline does for children; what is the purpose of boundaries/discipline?
2. Which child is better off:
A. One raised with a parent who has firm, fair and consistent boundaries
B. One raised without boundaries/discipline
3. Based on your response to the questions above, which child is therefore treated unfairly:
A. One raised with a parent who has firm, fair and consistent boundaries
B. One raised without boundaries/discipline
Please take one minute to respond below in three sentences maximum. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this!
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. For more essential skills, advice and strategies on this topic, please click here
I believe that the parent of each child should discipline their own child but also have common rules within the house. As an example we have a common rule of no cell-phones when in company and whilst at the table. These common rules should be consistent with every child.
No they are not treated unfairly however the child of concern may always think differently.
1. I think discipline is designed to teach accountability, responsibility, respect and kindness. However, I also believe it is ineffective if the child does not care about consequences.
2. A
3. A
1) Discipline protects children from harm, and is prepares them for a useful life.
2) child a is better off if the discipline were consistent between all. Whilst they are better off, its not fair and the parents will suffer the consequences of this choice.
3) They are both treated unfairly, children ‘a’ because of double standards and what they see as favouritism. Thus self esteem will lower, and resentment will rise, and child ‘b’ is treated unfairly as they are not taught anything towards being an adult…which is what they will spend the whole of their life as.
1. Children need to have a firm understanding of what is acceptable behaviour and what is not acceptable. As a parent I feel it is part of your role to provide those boundaries, values and yes – discipline when required to help shape who your children will grow up to be and how well they will function in society. I do believe that you need a consistent approach and the same rules apply to all the children. This is difficult if the parents do agree on what is fair and consistent.
2. A
3. B
I have been involved in an unfortunate situation of numerous double standards in the relationship.
Children need fair and consistent boundaries to know that their boundaries are the same as other children in the family – no special treatment for bio as to non-bio.
This also gives the children a safety net of knowing how far is too far, and that everyone will be judged the same.
I myself am in this situation, with the ages that our kids are, my children have always had boundaries and rules, I believe myself this is how children learn to take responsibility for there actions, respect amongst other things. however my partners child has free rein of the house and my partner lets him (a little out of guilt for not being with his child all the time) – its constantly a conflict that I struggle with as my children cant understand why its ok for him but not for them. – its a case of double standards and I see it being unfair and makes me harder to bond with his child who has very little respect.
I believe children do best when raised with firm, fair and consistent boundaries. In our blended family, my biological children are now adults living on their own. They were raised by my late wife and I with set rules. I married my new wife with her two teenagers that live with us. They are completely different from my adult children, so can not really be compared. As a step parent, that is more restrictive in many ways, but in wanting more consistent and hard set rules/consequences than the biological mother is and has provided, it has created a lot of friction in our marriage. So many therapists will say the biological parent must take the lead in parenting and be the one to discipline their biological children, etc. But I suggest that for the marriage to sail somewhat smoothly, the step children must respect the stepparent, and the biological parent must consider and allow input from the step parent. All have to live in the same home, and all should understand what is expected of each other. I think if one parent is more restrictive than the other, this should have been considered prior to marriage, and both need to be willing to find some medium ground.
In our house same rules applies to everyone which my parter and I decided from the very beginning. It’s great for the 4 kids and they know what to expect and it means there is very little stress on our relationship because the rules have already been set in place. If we don’t agree with the way the other parent has parented then we discuss it in private with a view there’s always room for improvement or to do it differently
The same rules should and DO apply to everyone…however, children SEE different things. Everyone’s experience of their own childhood differs. I also think it is naive to think that your non bio partner will FEEL the same way about disciplining your children (less empathy) even when the rules are the same. Children can pick up on this subtlety and feel hurt or frustrated.
The purpose for having boundaries and discipline is to instill in someone (i.e. child or adult) age-appropriate behavior and self-control. And in a blended family, I believe that there needs to be common rules that apply to everyone (e.g. no shouting, hitting, etc.) and age-appropriate rules that applied appropriately. For example, are you really going to have the exact same rules for a 3 yo as you do a 13 yo or a 23 yo living under your roof? I wouldn’t even do that with my own biological children. That said, except in cases of physical danger and the stepparent is the only one present, I believe discipline is best handled by the biological parent. Finally, children thrive in environments where they understand exactly what is expected of them and why so firm, fair and consistent boundaries are best and those not raised in those environments are being neglected.
Different rules never works. I live the results daily: Her 3 have been spoiled rotten, my older son hounded back to his mother and my younger one consistently treated poorly. Without firm standards for ALL children in the home, one deserves what one gets.
Being a blended family has its issues for sure and I would agree, for a long time I feel my husband struggled to discipline my stepdaughter. But since our own child has been born we again needed to find balance it was the same in our house our child was severely dealt with and the other child was basically allowed to get away with everything, for a while it felt like he almost over did it with our child because he couldn’t bring himself to do it with the older one. But over time with working together and instead of my letting my resentment of the situation make it worse…. which if I’m completely honest I did for a while. I also came to realise that I was over sensitive and measured every bit of behaviour that was given to each child which was silly and didn’t help the situation.
Our younger daughter is 3 and half now and a lot has happened in that time it felt hopeless at times but we have kept working together and now the girls are treated the same. Also a lot has happened with each other I have found by being more supportive of my husband’s feelings it has allowed him to feel safer in expressing himself. Also I had to take responsibility for how I felt about my husband’s ex-wife because she had made it quite difficult for me in the beginning I resented any co-parenting that she tried to implement because I didn’t want to acknowledge the connection. But I came to realise that I was being unfair to him and my step daughter which caused resentment and made him feel torn . In the last six months we have all working together if anyone had told me this would have happened seven years ago I would have never believed it could happen.
I think giving a child no discipline and no boundaries is a sad way to bring up a child I think they feel unsafe and uncared for. I can vouch from the experience we have had with my step daughter these days she is more at ease now she knows we care about her and she also knows she is a normal part of the family with responsibilities with everyone taking each other’s feelings into account.
I understand what this lady is saying. I have the same thing (“My kids get disciplined by me and my husband. My husband disciplines my kids for things HIS kid does all of the time and he doesn’t discipline his kid for the EXACT same things. That’s the unfair part – NOT THE SAME RULES APPLY TO EVERYONE in the house.”) happening in this household. My husbands justification is that he is with my children 100% of the time and with his children 50% of the time therefore he does not like to discipline his children. It does cause frustration from all levels and is clearly unfair, even his children have mentioned it from time to time to my children. I can understand where you are coming from by asking which children are being treated unfairly and from an adults perspective it is unfair NOT to discipline your children. However, looking at it from a child’s mind (the one who received discipline) who is witness to seeing this blatant discrimination it causes feelings of hurt, injustice & unloved. Looking at it from a child’s mind who does not get disciplined for the EXACT same thing they have feelings of love, power & protection. Fortunately, as they have got older, all four children have bonded and it has helped my children that they (husbands two children) have acknowledged the unfairness that they have witnessed over the years.
I have been a step parent for the last 6 years and it is difficult when the parents are not aligned. For some reason my husband does not see that he has parented differently. It all comes down to the fact that he has hugh tolerance level for his children and zero tolerance for mine and I feel that would apply to most step parents but we have to be mindful of the impact that we have on these kids long term. So,just to reinforce the message here is that for all children to feel loved, protected and secure is that the adults must be consistent, fair and the same rules must apply to all- this is key. It is not also about the words that are said but the body language used by the step parent. I am fortunate that I feel my step children love me,they hug and kiss me and that makes me feel good. As for my husband, he is a good man, he’s reliable, loving, caring, generous. Our spats are always about the kids. We have tried every angle possible, at first it was the ‘same rule applies discipline’ and we disciplined the children together but that went because he felt guilty about his own kids. I now discipline mine and he disciplines his BUT he also focuses on mine! For all blended relationships we know we have to try harder. If our biological children feel hurt and upset then so do we. We must understand the impact we have, therefore by having prayer, showing acts of kindness, taking time out to chat and being positive (not just speak to moan!) being compassionate, showing mercy, fair and loving to all our children (not just about rules and consequence) not only will all the kids thrive but so will the adults. Time for another discussion with my husband ……..
I am an every other weekend dad with one kid(daughter) and two step kids – one that lives with us and the other is in college. It is hard getting on to your kid when they are there every other weekend. The step daughter is there most the time so it is hard not discipline her more. The same rules apply like no cell phone at dinner(most the time) and they go to church with us on Sunday, but it is hard not to spoil my daughter when I see her 4 nights a month. It is hard.
1.What do you believe discipline does for children; what is the purpose of boundaries/discipline?
Discipline/Boundaries teach a child
respect and the fact that there are consequences to inappropriate behaviors/actions in life.
2. Which child is better off:
A. One raised with a parent who has firm, fair and consistent boundaries
B. One raised without boundaries/discipline
A.
3. Based on your response to the questions above, which child is therefore treated unfairly:
A. One raised with a parent who has firm, fair and consistent boundaries
B. One raised without boundaries/discipline
B.
There is no doubt that the child raised with boundaries and discipline is going to end up better off in the long run. However, I really think that the husband should parent his own child, and let the wife parent her children, especially if the same rules are not going to apply across the board.
We have this issue in our house. My 9 yr old son who is with us full time is expected to abide by the rules and is disciplined for not doing so. When he sees my husbands children not being treated in the same manner he notices how unfair it is. I’ve always been able to explain to him that he’s much better off because those rules are helping to make him a better person. He almost feels sorry for the other kids that they’re not being made to tow the line. He’s seen over the last 5 years how their behavior has gotten worse without consistent discipline and follow through.
In theory – discipline is teaching. Boundaries are necessary throughout life. A child with no boundaries will not succeed as an adult as they will not comprehend when violating the boundaries of others be it a future spouse, boss, their own children!
Child A is better off
Child B is treated unfairly in #3 as Child B will grow into a problematic adult.
However in a blended family of his/hers, no ours, both working parents, one set with more custody than the other, double standards and unfairness become the norm. When confronted by my children over the double standards I answer them with “I am YOUR parent and raising you into the men I hope you will one day be, and that is all that matters.”
I think the child raised with discipline and boundaries is better off, but in a situation where the same rules do not apply to everyone, there is uncertainty and instability for all, even the child who is raised with discipline and boundaries, so I wonder if the lack of consistency negates any benefit. In my opinion, all are treated unfairly in that situation.
I find myself in a struggle at times with Heour youngest (stepson).He is 8a has trantrums refuses to listen ir talk to me and thats ok; however if any of my 3 ever gave that disrespect it would be yelling and threats. I feel my husband coddles his son because he doesn’t have his own siblings living with him and feels out numbered. I have offered counciling abd it falls on deaf ears. I love my step son but the disrespect and tantrums need to stop. My youngest is 6a months older than him and thise behaviors are not acceptable. Challenging it is!
Even though it is hard to not be on the same page with your spouse and your children I liked the thought the question gave. By disciplining your child you are teaching them skills they will need for life. You are loving them by showing them you care how they act, treat others, and follow rules that make life run smoother for them and all that are involved. If you do not agree across the board on discipline for all the children then you do yours and let him do his. This is not best and not being straight across the board with rules etc… is very damaging. But dont let that be an excuse to not disciple your own children. Let your spouse know that from what you have read that not treating the children the same they may resent each other and it causes much friction in the family, try to find some simple rules you do agree on and start there.. Good luck and dont give up
I agree with ‘Jo says:
August 13, 2013 at 3:43 pm”
We experience this same situation in our home.
My son is now questioning the inconsistencies and the perceived favouritism due to double standards.
1. What do you believe discipline does for children; what is the purpose of boundaries/discipline?I reframe discipline as teaching our children about the structure for life, good value system to care for others etc.
2. Which child is better off:
One raised with a parent who has firm, fair and consistent boundaries
3. Based on your response to the questions above, which child is therefore treated unfairly:
One raised without boundaries/discipline
I believe that firm, fair boundaries help a child more both short and long-term. I’ve seen kids who rebelled at those rules and kids who didn’t have them, and I’ve seen the differences in them as adults. There’s a world of difference.
1. I feel that it teaches them respect, morals and values.
2. A
3. B
HOwever, the child with less discipline can’t make it in society. They can’t follow rules. You have to push them to do everything. I am living this right now. My biological kids are very mature and the step children can’t do anything without someone assisting them. They don’t follow through on anything. It is very sad. Discipline really helps the children in life today. People please discipline your kids in some manner.
Every child wants discipline, yet also want fairness in the methods. I have found that even if the “new” set of parent are on the same page, the ex’s are not.
Each sides ex will treat the child as they see fit, with out consulting the new step parent.This will lead seemingly unfair discipline imposed on the other children.
I have found that as the primary care giving parent it become necessary to impose the rules upon the exes, willing or not.
Get an ally from the ex’s family maybe a grandparent or sibling with kids.
We used my wife ex’s older brother, with some careful, diplomatic and earnest communication the ex got in line fairly quick.
I can’t believe anyone would say that a child is better off being raised without boundaries and with no discipline so, in that case, I would say your questions are what we used to call in the journalism business as “softball” questions asked for people just to agree and hit it out of the park.
The more realistic question is how to strike that balance between having less patience for children who are not biological when you have biological children in the same house, especially when the children are so different and indeed have different issues that require different parenting approaches.
In my case, my husband is a widower with three sons – one with Asperger’s Syndrome and one with severe ADHD. His middle son is a “normal” kid as are my two sons. All five boys are teenagers.
When you have disorders in the mix, then you later on the general challenges of step-parenting, then you add the additional layer on full-time parenting of stepchildren (again, mother is deceased) and the comings and goings of biological kids – you have a daily (no, hourly) struggle in the prickly world of fairness.
You’re right Anne, dealing with special needs children is particularly challenging. There are people who support permissive parenting (there was a trend towards this that started in the 1960’s) and while most now say children are better off with boundaries, the reality of how people parent can be very different.
I have spent much time thinking about these issues and reading all of the comments. I am remarried. I have 2 daughters, 16 and 12, who are with us 95% of the time. They only see their father about once every 6 weeks. I have always been fairly strict with my girls in all aspects of life and have always emphasized education, church, behavior, etc. They are both very good students, active in school sports and youth group. My husband has a daughter that is 11. She attends the same middle school as my daughter. She is with us 85% of the time because of her mothers work schedule. She is only at her mothers 2 nights a week and every other weekend. The “unfairness” that my kids see is that their step-father, whom they do like and get along with (I’ve noticed this takes place more when his daughter is not around)is strict with my kids and will raise his voice at them when addressing them even about the littlest things.He wants to be a father figure to them and participate in parenting them, and me participate in parenting his daughter as well. When his daughter does something (which is hardly ever in his eyes) she gets the ..now _____ you know you shouldn’t do that speech and try not to do that again…….His ex provides a less than desirable environment and I think he feels sorry for his daughter. There are many other things that play in as you can imagine. His daughter struggles in school and mine excel. My girls are total leaders, and she is a total follower and this causes real problems with my girls. She copies them constantly (clothes, hair, favorite colors, sports, running for student council, etc) and it drives them crazy! My husband doesn’t understand and thinks it’s great because he would rather her be like them then the examples she gets from her mother and half sisters at her other house. My younger daughter is basically thrown into a friendship of sorts with her simply because of their age, but my daughter is a lot more mature than her, doesn’t have anything in common with her and is starting to resent her. A majority of the time things run pretty smoothly and we do parent alike in most ways. I try to talk to him about it but he gets really defensive if anything is brought about his daughter and starts bringing my kids into the conversation. He thinks just because she asks how high when you tell her to jump she does no wrong. My kids are very independent and though they are great kids they aren’t butt kissers either. I’m very proud of my girls and I wouldn’t change a thing about them. I just understand where they are coming from and the level of frustration they experience. It has gotten to the point that we don’t shop with her because she will have her mom or gma go buy the same stuff, or they don’t let her see how they fix their hair a new way because she will immediately start doing hers that way, I think you get the picture! I would really like to be able to find a way to get my husband to understand so that we can actually have 3 girls that can be individuals. Any advice? #frustrated