Stepparenting and discipline
Adele Cornish, BSW
Who’s got it tougher; a stepfather or stepmother?
Research shows that children can more readily accept a stepfather figure in comparison to a stepmother. Some of you won’t be surprised to learn that stepmothers are more likely to be rejected due in part to the negative influence of their stepchild’s biological mother. Children can pick up on their mother’s resentments and blame surrounding the divorce AND her negative feelings towards their father repartnering. So, I’d like to look at how this trend impacts a blended family on a daily basis by reflecting on the following question:
Are children more accepting of a stepfather disciplining them over and above a stepmother?
Here’s where I need your help. What’s your experience? Do you think a stepmother has a harder time trying to discipline her stepchildren compared to a stepfather? Perhaps they are resistant to both or open to both playing an authoritarian role. I’ m interested to hear your experience.
Please answer below.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor
p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer!
I would have to say that by going my experience as a step-mother it is a huge challenge! My husband and I only get to spend every second with the children. The kids biological mother resents me and my husband, amung other things she refuses to let the kids speak to me over the phone in the fortnight leading up to the kids staying with us. I have also recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and the kids mother has taken this situation to further alienate the kids against myself and their father. it’s certainly a tough role as either a stepmother or a stepfather but I think some biological parents love to make it a lot harder than it really need to be.
I think stepfathers have a harder time to accomplish any confirmation and conformity
to stepchildren.
Our family consists of three where the youngest boy(13) is the bio of the father.
Two girls aged 20 and 18.
Girl 20 has realized that after 15 years who I am and regularly has good relations with the biofather whereas the 18 year old is defiant calls the biofather every word in the book and causes a fair amount of grief between the parents relationship. She is OCD also with medication which she takes occationally which makes it even harder. Oldest is in University and the middle has quit school and works part time with no intentions of moving out. The youngest has seemed to work his way around the situations that arise with the middle aged girl. Mother is really defensive with the middle girl and the oldest girl has stated that she has issues that need to be dealt with.
Anything that pertains to parenting from the bio dad is fought at extremes most times and better left unsaid for the mother to take care of. Verbal abuse from 18 year old is pushed against stepfather whenever any thing is said where discipline is involved. The 18 year old will use my conservative attitude towards me as a defense for excuses during arguments with her mother, which might not have anything to do with me for blame. Neither girls have had any support from their bio fathers.
Hi Adele,
I think this depends on the gender of the child. As stepdaughters hit puberty they naturally draw closer to their mother (or memory of their mother if bereaved) and may resent their stepmother more. In my case even though the mother was responsible for the split her resentment of my relationship with her daughter is plain to see. I also feel sometimes it’s harder for Dads to discipline their daughters – I see this in biological families too, making the stepmother’s role even trickier.Hardest job I have ever done that’s for sure and I am a trauma counsellor! All I know is I have to take the moral high ground and resist criticism at all costs, because then whatever happens in the future, I can look back with head held high and know I did the right thing by my children and stepchildren, but it’s soooo hard!!!
Yes it is much harder for my soon to be new wife, my biological children are 12 14 & 16 with hers being 6 &10. 50% custody on all.
Mine are taller and larger just to start the ball rolling on the physical barriers but to top this they do have the A typical irrational mother that you have described in other emails that revels in manipulating them and turning them against my new partner. The one that reenforces her views to my children that they do not have tp listen or take notice of the person more responsible for the day to day running of the family than their father(me). Even with my total support given to my partner and relaying this to the children on several occasions they still will not accept her authority. Drives me crazy and it drives a wedge between my partner and I.
Damien
My experience in this area has been horrific and I definatly think as a step mum, I had a tougher time of it all…I also agree that the bitterness and resentment from the step kids bio mothers does affect how the children view and treat their step mother.
At first my stepson, who was 12 at the time was all over me seeking love, attention and wanting me to stop whatever I was doing in order to hug him and tell him I loved him. This would be between 20 – 30 times a day. If I didn’t respond then all hell would break loose and he would have a ‘hissy fit’ and become aggressive and hostile pointing out that I cared about my bio kids more. I used to feel emotionally and physically violated.
Sadly I didn’t turn into the type of step mum he wanted and this is when things got worse. Lack of nurture from his bio mother was one of the main reasons he was like this. His hatred and defiant behaviour towards me got progressivly worse. After about 3yrs of this and countless trips to the pshycologist, I made his dad send him back to his mothers to live…that or I was going to leave.
This boy had all the power and used it to manipulate his father into a place of powerlessness. Sadly hubby was bound up in guilt and was fearful that if he disciplined the boy he would lose him.
I gave it my best shot and feel as if I have my life back. I only pray that my marraige can heal and we can live more harmoniously from here on in.
Your article prompted me to revisit the meaning of discipline – Definition at YourDictionary.com noun. “a branch of knowledge or learning. training that develops self-control, character, or orderliness and efficiency; strict control to enforce obedience”
* As a adult step daughter (now in her 40’s) I was taught to respect adults and listen to their feedback. I did that and still do. We talk. We respect each other and I’m clear on my values.
* As a step mum to 3 now adult girls who were 10,12 & 14 when their Dad & I started dating – we forged relationships based on open conversations. Their Dad continued to be consistent and taught them how to act responsibly and ‘toe the line’.
There was only one time I drew the line and it came when one of the girls spoke inappropriately to her Dad. Hubby and I have been married 11 yrs and discipline is more mentoring and coaching. It’s easy when it’s built on trust. They’re becoming clearer on their values and willing to listen, ask questions and talk to me.
* As the biological Mum to a lovely 15 yr daughter, who since age 11 largely chose to live with her single Dad – it’s here my husband and I encounter opposition to discipline. Unwisely my daughters father told her at a young age ‘you don’t have to do anything anyone tells you except me – after all you’re a freedom loving….blah blah” Seeds of rebellion however are no match for consistency, clear boundaries and love in action even if we’re all a little uncomfortable in the process.
So as both a step daughter, a step sister, a step mum, a mum and a wife, I think my husband deserves the trophy for persevering as a step father encountering false accusation from a disgruntled biological father who sows seeds of doubt while manipulating a young girl.
Thank God for faith and grace!
Hi Adele,
My experience is as a step mother to 2 young women aged 18 and 17. I think that the job has been more difficult then I ever thought it would be.I have been their primary carer with their father since they were 4 and 3.(so for 13 years) I has definately been and continues to be a challenging parenting job. They also see their mother. They tend to avoid having to ask my opinion and permission to do go places etc, as I tend to be more strict then their father. I have also needed to take a back foot many times for their father to make decisions (which he discusses with me always). They successful with their lives so far, so we always give thanks for that. I guess in some ways, I thought that they would look to me more for guidance etc, and that has been sad for me that they have not – maybe I was looking at the situation through “Rose coloured glasses”. My only thought is that they will see things differently when they marry and have their own children and maybe start to understand how difficult parenting is – and step parenting particularly.
Their mother fills their head with negativity about me and what’s worse is their father has a problem with anything I say to them and they manipulate situtation because of this.
I suspect women have it worse than men as step parents, because of the different roles they play in family life. I think it is easier for a man to stand back and allow the woman to get on with the running of a home and therefore is not in the firing line as often. All those little things like ‘please set the table’, ‘bring down your dirty clothes so I can do the washing’ and countless other little everyday things that can give the step child a chance to challenge their step mother’s authority.
If we were to be really honest with ourselves I think most of us would agree it is normally the woman who decides what the family will eat, buys it and cooks it. She will also normally organise the cleaning etc! If she is not treated with respect by her step children or if all negotiating or communication has to go though the bio parent it can leave the woman feeling like an unpaid servant! This in turn can cause resentment.
Damien – It sounds to me like you really have to come down on your kids and how they treat your partner if you want your relationship to survive. Taking them to task and giving them consequences is something you have to do every time and not just occasionally talk to them! Think of it like training. If you get away with it most of the time why change?
I agree with Ruth. The step-mother but it depends on the age of the children – the younger (under 5) the child is the easier to bond. My step-children are male 12 and female 16. My bio son is 8. I am kind and thoughtful to all the children but have a hard time bonding because I don’t want to push them. We have been together for three years and married for 3 months. They are not rude but they live 8 hours away so we see them for a couple months in the summer and over the holidays. The lack of time together makes it difficult for me to really get to know them and establish trust. When they are with us, their dad sets no clear guidelines or disciplines them because he wants them to think dad is cool and a good friend. This is tough on my 8 year old because he feels like the rules are different for him and has started to resent my new husband who has no problem discipling whether his kids are here or not. I feel stuck in the middle and just want all the kids to be treated with love and respect.
Ruth – what you write really strikes a chord with me. I am a stay at home mum with two children, 3 & a half and nearly 18 mths. Hubby’s three kids came to live with us fulltime when our first baby togther was 12 weeks old. What an introduction to parenthood for me. My three stepkids are now 17, 14 & 11. I have fpund it difficult from the start to discipline the kids as hubby had some lingering guilt over his divor e and the effect on the kids. This meant that he was continually a lot easier on the kids. I try to stick to ensuring they have common courtrsynto fellow family members and I and considation and assistance is given by the kids as a house with 5 kids can be quite hectic. My biggest problem is where their response, attitude or lack of obeiance is now being copied by my oldest child. Not good!
I have a step-son who is 19 years old. He is a good person and not rebellious. My problem with him is that he is so messy and a hoarder. I am a neat person though not overdone and it’s hard for me to just let him go. His father has a lot of hot air in his words and never follows through with what he says will be the consequence. It is very frustrating for me because though I’ve certainly made mistakes with my own children who are grown and on their own. Their father and I have always followed through with our discipline. Any advice???
I am a stepmom and feel like I’m being called the”wicked” stepmom at times. My most challenging is the stepdaughter. She rebells against anything I say or do when it comes to athourity in our home. If things are not what she likes when she is with us every other weekend she calls bio-mom to come and get her. You must realize she is 14 years old and bio-mom has planted things in her mind about her dad and me that its hard for her to get past that. If bio-moms could stand back and see that she is not only making it hard on the dad and new wife but her child as well. Both parents the dad and stepmom have to be on the same page for it to work. I can say my husband has been so supported with me by him knowing how vindictive his ex is. I pray for all stepparents that have ex’s that don’t know any other way except to bash the one that has moved on with another partner. Good Luck!
In my opinion the step mothers have it harder. My EX-fiancée and I still live together for financial reasons but the wedge his kids put between us has stopped all plans for a future together. His oldest is almost 19 (male) and continually makes up lies about my kids due to his jealousy over their success and his youngest (15 year old female) bullies and bosses me and my kids around as if we are unwelcome guests in her dads house. His oldest uses drugs, dropped out of school, refuses to look for work and has been known to steal from us, and my partner does nothing to stop this destructive behavior. I want to see him parent his child, and have made comments, so he does nothing to show me he is in charge. His previous wife (bio-mother) has very little to do with their kids at all and her comments about me are less than lady-like!
I don’t know how anyone can survive a relationship like this!! I sure the heck wont be staying with things like this!! My kids are 19-male, 16-female & 14-female and have accepted the my whole situation peacefully, however they do cause some grief for their step mom with their bio-dad. So definitely step moms have it harder!!
I am in a lesbian relationship. My partner has three children, from her previous marriages, the youngest being 21 and in college. He spends summers and vacations at our home. Her second husband, the biological father to the 21 year old, was a step father to her first two children.
Actually, I am not allowed to discipline. The mother and son present a solid wall of defense. Any agreements that we reach are broken, including no visitors to home unless we meet them before hand.
I am not allowed to be a mother, since he already has one. I am not allowed to be a father, because “I am not a man” and “he already has a father.”
The 21 year old is not expected to help around the house even though I have requested it. I feel a complete lack of respect from my partner and her son. I have asked for “family talks” but my partner blocks them. The 21 year old has never had a job and does not have a drivers’ license even though we live in the country.
I don’t have any more answers.
In my situation, the stepfather has had it very hard. My first husband was sick for 25 years with a brain tumor. He passed away when the children were: 30, 28 and 25. The children resent the new man in my life. Even though, we are not married yet, we live together at my house on weekends and at his a couple of times during the week. My adult children will not come and see me when he is at my home. My youngest has moved back in since he is back in school and is rude to my new friend. We have had many, many conversations but the anger it still there. My friend hates the way my children treat me. They only treat me rude when he is around. They are used to me dropping everything when they need me and now I am taking care of me! Does anyone have any advise for me? The stress is on me all the time to please both sides! Maybe I have it harder!!!
I do not know if a stepmother has it harder or easier for sure as I can not put myself into a stepfathers shoes. I think it could be equally difficult for either depending on the spouse, the children, and the ex-spouse. In my personal experience of being a stepmom for 5.5 years I know I do not enjoy this role in my life, but the only thing that gets me through is God. I believe He has put me in this position to strengthen my character and make me a better person. I must completely surrender several times a day to His help to make it through. My stepdaughters are 6 & 8 and live with their mom a majority of the time. We get them every other weekend, every other holiday, every Wednesday, and 5 weeks during the summer. I feel like a prisoner in my own home when they are here. They don’t listen and are rude to my husband and I’s 5 year old son. My husband works long hours so that leaves me to the discipline, which I believe has created resentment. Also, when my husband is home I think he feels that he gets so little time with them that he just ignores their actions or is truly able to tune them out, which I can not. This also creates problems between my husband and me, and my husband and our son because he is very tough on our son if the girls are here or not. I honestly dread them coming over and count down the time until they go home. I often feel alone in this because no one seems to understand except other step-moms. I am so thankful for these emails and someday hope to be able to get the entire kit from Adele to see if that can help. I have been to therapy for about a year w/ & w/o my husband and teach Kindergartners for a living. I also have a 2nd degree in Psychology. I know I am getting away from the original question, but I don’t understand why I am not able to love these 2 children. After reading back over my long comment :), I think it is probably harder for me because they do get the majority of influence from their mother with whom I do not approve of. I am not able to raise these 2 as I do my son so it is extremely frustrating to me. I will continue to seek God to make my situation better and hopefully one day we can function as a happy family.
I think it’s tougher on step mothers. In our situation my husband has stressed to his two children that they are to treat their step-father with respect and speaks positively about him. While I haven’t heard anything specific, my suspicions are the children’s bio mother is not reciprocating the same level of grown up behaviour. I often feel I am dealing with the bio mother via my 10 year old step daugther. And after 4 years despite my husband’s regular “talks” with her and my best efforts at constant niceness, her jealousy and resentment of me is still palpable when she is at our house. I have never attempted discipline with her. I think there would be a blow out of epic proportions and I am already struggling with a leave or stay decision. What these kids often seem to be saying is you (bio parent) need to stay single if you want a relationship with me. I often wonder if my husband is going to have 3 or 4 divorces under his belt before he sees where the real problems lie – i.e. a manipulative, jealous child.
I think that there may be more resentment of step-moms, but that there is also more willingness to accept step-mom authority, if authority is grounded in SM’s reason rather than a need for control. I find that if I communicate my needs in a clear way, explaining why both in terms of my needs and what they are learning, the kids tend to agree to do what I want.
I think it is critical that I do not view parents as inherently better or more powerful than kids, but that the power comes from our ability to form agreements with the kids. Many parenting sources recommend avoiding power struggles with kids. This is especially important for step-parents. So asking questions, giving two options, etc. can help kids to be empowered to work with grownups. Also, explaining what we are doing.
But I have heard of far more step dads having issues with kids over discipline, though more issues with kids rejecting step moms. I feel like step moms are more likely to be rejected by kids if they need something from the kids, like being treated as a mom, or love; and step dads are more likely to be rejected for overly harsh or controlling or unilateral discipline.
How do I keep this short? If both parents have discussed and agreed on a parenting style,the rules and expectations are agreed upon and who does what as far as roles go have all been solidified there would be little room for a child to gain power over either parent. It is when these agreements fall to the wayside and resent sneaks in that a child can sense that the parenting team has been broken. Children are very in tune to this and in my experience, will try to play one against the other. Therefore, I think that your question is relevant to the entire system and how each of the relationships within the system are or are not healthy.
damien and ruth’s response to damien annoys me. damien – take care of your children. don’t leave it to anyone else. being a parent is a gift.
ruth – come down on the kids? are you talking about the children who got pawned off on a stepmother they didn’t ask for.
I completely agree with Ruth. It is much harder to be a stepmom. Women are by nature very competitive with one another – so allowing another woman to parent your children is bound to be difficult. My step children’s bio mother is very threatened by me – especially because our parenting styles are vastly different. She is very lax with few rules and the kids walk all over her. They always come to us tired, ungroomed, and disheveled. In contrast, when the kids are with me, they have high expectations, schedules, and rules. And they thrive. And she knows it. I try very hard to not make it a competition as I do not feel that it is. But she has been very unfriendly from the get-go, which is unfortunate. I believe we should be working together for the benefit of the kids, but she continues to be advesarial. Sometimes it makes me feel quite resentful.
The hardest part is to not feel completely walked all over. And to not feel resentful that they bio mother isn’t more appreciative! In my situation, I am the one who taught both her children how to ride bicycles, swim, tie their shoes…the list goes on and on. And sometimes I wonder too if I am enabling both she and their father to not step it up enough.
Stepfathers on the other hand are just there to be the “fun guy” and to lend support to the moms when need be. They know that they will just defer to what the bio mom wants anyway, so they don’t feel a ton of pressure. It is very different for them.
It suddenly occurred to me recently that my partner has never once in two years spent an entire day alone with the 5 children we have blended. Yet, this is something I do all the time. He never is tasked with parenting the way I am.
Yes, it is MUCH tougher to be a stepmom!
A comment related to the disciplining question… As with a non-blended family, communication between parents is the key. As long as both partners are on the same page and the children know this, then disciplining should be respected equally. If, however, there is a communication breakdown and one partner is not backing the other, the results are inevitably disastrous.
My partner has accused me of “over communicating.” Personally I don’t feel this is possible when you have kids.
Hi Adele
As a Step-Mother of 3 teenage boys, I can say it’s incredibly difficult. The youngest has been the biggest challenge with major anxiety and depression issues, which he’s had since he was 2 years old, apparently. His mother is very career driven and has never really had a lot of time for him particularly, to the point that this year she said she didn’t have the time or energy to deal with the issues anymore so he’s at boarding school. I couldn’t cope with having him live with us, because the bio-mother made it clear to us and the boys right from the beginning, that I was not to have any involvement in discipline, which as far as I’m concerned meant the boys felt they didn’t have to respect me in my house.
My husband, as much as I Love him, still doesn’t see the difficulties with having a blended family and the need to show support to me. There hasn’t been a lot of discipline, as he wants to be their friend and is constantly threatened by his ex about “loosing them” when he doesn’t give them everything they want.
The sad part is, they think my husband left, but it was their mother that had the affair and broke the marriage up. She took everything, which my husband didn’t really fight because he was guilted into believing it was for the boys. They live full time with their bio-mother (except the youngest now), and she has always made out that she provides for them, and they don’t realise that a majority is from their father, and how much he has given up for them.
The boys stay with us every second weekend and during holidays, and they think I’m here to do the cooking, housework, etc, for them, and there is obvious resentment when I ask them to help with anything. I do believe the bio-mother has added to a lot of this, with the fact she makes it clear that I’m not to be involved with decisions, etc, and the fact she knows she still controls my husband which adds to the difficulties for me. The boys know they can manipulate and play “the game” which my husband doesn’t want to deal with. Other family members see the “lack of respect” the boys have for me, but nothing changes.
I’ll admit that if I didn’t Love my Husband so much, I would have left a long time ago. If I meet people getting into relationships that are “blended families” my advice is don’t do it! I realise everyone has baggage (for want of a better word), but having children involved is a far bigger issue, especially when bio-parents think they should spoil the children and not show them that a new partner in their life is just as important and should be supported.
“Discipline” seems to be a dirty word in society these days, and that worries me for future generations. Buying childrens love, seems to be how things are these days, and manners and respect seem to be a thing of the past.
In my view I think stepmothers and mothers are more emotional so I would think that stepmothers would have a tougher time than stepfathers because of this reason. I am a bio Dad with 2 kids ( 10 and 14 ) and I totally support my wife ( stepmother ) but she does find it difficult fitting in. We try to discuss things and discipline together ( we never disagree in front of the kids even if one of us thinks the other is wrong! ) but I am the “verbal” one doing the disciplining being the bio father as she believes its easier that the stepmother is still looked upon in a “good” light by the stepkids. It seems to work very well and we try to get rid of the negativity from the bio mum by telling them we love them unconditionally,( though at times its hard for the stepmum partly due to emotion and partly due to not being blood related ). A key element I believe is that the kids need to know from me that they have to show respect to their stepmum and it does work very well for us. ( it does take time to get there though )
When I read other peoples stories, I realize that in the big scheme of things, we have been lucky enough to ‘blend’ quite well, and for that, I am very thankful. We have 3 kids each – 2 @ 17, 2 @ 15 and 2 @ 13 – so life is very chaotic and not unlike a military manouver at times and for the most part, they are good mates and get along really well.
My kids absolutely adore their StepDad – and he is wonderful with them – lots of laughter and hugs. He diciplines when necessary and they accept his authority.
I love my stepkids and we have a ‘respectful’ and ‘courteous’ relationship – but we are ‘just there’ – sharing a house. I find that I try not to get involved in too much of their lives as I know the kids get hard time from their mother if I do. But then, I feel like I am just there as a convenience and the resentment simmers. I find that I am stepping further back as no matter what I do, it always leads to grief from their mother. Most of it is really silly stuff (pathetic even) for instance – she knows that I am giving them a lift home from school (expects it even and it is an ‘inconvenience’ when I can’t) – but I have to drop them at the end of the street (day or night) not at the end of the driveway (which itself is over 100m long), she will change weekends around so that the kids can’t all be together having fun, she won’t let the kids come home when they are supposed to so that they are late for or miss out on things that we have planned, she will outright lie to the kids about their father and puts him down whenever she can. They are getting old enought now to realize that she is playing games – but as Dad is settled and happy, Mum ‘needs’ us with her more so that she gets more money (even though she has a new partner and stepson) . . . go figure (if you can) – cause I can’t. Reply
I think, in America at least, there are few jobs with less thanks than a stepfather. Very very few get ANY role in discipline. They just get to pay for the mistakes. Meanwhile she will be wayy up the butt of your kids ad nauseum, to YOU not them.
My stuation is my ex partner and i have shared custody that we agreed upon without going through any courts, i have my daughter tusday and wednesday nights as well as every second weekend, my ex has her monday and thursday nights and every other weekend, my ex partner had been in his relationship for just over 2 years, i get along with his fiance great and we can talk about my daughter no problems, she has no other children. My partner and i are only new and he moved in with me in april this year, he also has a daughter who is almost 10, so 2 years older then my daughter, although to look at them you would think they were the same age. He only gets to see her every second weekend. The problem we are having is my daughter adjusting to my new partner, she wont talk to him some days and doesnt like that he will tell her to listen to me when i tell her what she should be doing etc. His daughter on the other hand is an angel, does what she is told to do when asked, my guess is that she does this due to the fact she is only with us a short time. We have had problems after a few days of the children being together with the older putting the younger one down in respect with her drawings not being as good as, or not knowing her maths etc, i have sat the older down and reminded her nicely that my daughter is 2 years younger so not yet at her level of learning. I dont have any problems with my partners daughter i find her to be great when around as she does cooperate. My issue is with getting my daughter and my partner to get along, although she is getting there with it, and i have explained to my partner that my daughter isnt used to sharing me with anyone for over 2 years let alone him and his daughter. I also have explained to my daughter that she also gets to spend more time with my partner than his own daughter does. Some days i really have no idea what i am going to do with them as my partner sometimes is to afraid to talk to her as he does get ignored. He does make the effort and ive found that over these school holidays that its getting a bit better, but we also havent seen his daughter for a while due to her mum sending her to family for holidays. Im hoping that when school starts back next week and our weekends go back to normal that things get better still and dont go backwards. Its all new to both my partner and I, but we are both willing to try everything we can to make it work.
After reading each one of the comments I see that it falls back on the bio parent (moms and dads. If the child respects the parent and the parent respects their child the blended families could work without confrontation on either side step or bios.. Children respond to what they are taught be it good or bad…I can’t blame the child its a parents place to teach respect, love, etc.
I agree with the last post from Darlene and the bio parents of the children, are just that, parents! It is up to them to nurture and parent their child together (not against each other) and teach their children respect. I am a step daughter and a step mother. I dont think it is harder on any gender, however females do tend to be more emotional than males and tend to let those feelings be heard, ie a mother telling her daughter that daddy did bad things to her. In my childlife, my step father definitley had the harder job of raising my brother. But that came from my mother’s direction due to her telling my step father that he could not punish her kids. My husband and I parent and discipline both of our kids equally and it works. No favouratism, no special rules for one, the same for all. This teaches respect for ALL adults in their lives.
Hello Adele, Our situation was quite unusual. The man I am engaged to was a family friend of my ex husband and I. So the children on both sides knew us both as friends. I personally have had no problem with my step children they love me and have always they actually said when their father and I got together “It’s not fair, as kids from a separation we should hate our step mother, it’s kinda the rules, but we can’t hate you, as you have been in our lives forever”. My children on the other hand were very accepting at first, and their father had remarried by this stage so they were happy that I was happy. Sadly their father was killed in a motor bike accident, that changed everything.. my children started to resent my partner now telling them what to do.. they were all at difficult ages at the time, 5, 13 and 18. Now as it’s been 11yrs since their loss and the older two have moved out. They see things differently and have a better relationship with him. But in a nutshell in our situation, and in other’s amongst our friends it’s the step father that seems to do it the hardest. thanks for allowing me to have this input. Regards Sylvia
I am a step daughter and step-mum to 4 great children, 16, 14, 11 and 9. We have them 50% of the time, week about.
I was not the nicest of step-daughters to my new step-mum when I was 19 – I resented her being in my dad’s life, in place of my bio mum. In my silly logic, I believed my parents would re-unite, if only my step-mum wasn’t in the way. I used to fantasize about her dying, can you believe it! It took me 10 years to get over myself and have the maturity to let the childish resentments go and appreciate her for the love and longevity she has given my dad – they just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary in their 80s! While I will never be as close to her as I am with my bio-mum, we have a warm and respectful relationship. So I understand what it is like to be a step-child and the myriad of conflicting emotions and loyalties involved.
My partner of 4 years is incredibly supportive, we back each other up and are completely aligned about parenting styles, discipline, manners, expectations etc.
Where we continue have issues is the children’s bio-mother, who continues to try to get to me or him by manipulating the children to be defiant, unhelpful, rude and unco-operative around us. This strategy has been highly effective with one child to date, he recently moved in full-time with his mother. For now, our household is a lot more peaceful and calm, without his disruptive influence on the other children. However, I am concerned that the bio-mum will just continue with her ways and turn the remaining 3 children against their dad and me. She outright lies about him, undermines him and is generally very toxic. She refuses to communicate other than in writing or email and will not discuss anything to do with the children. I think at least the oldest child can see what she is trying to do and is quite balanced in his view of the situation. Time will tell about the younger two.
My advice is to not react to your step children or partner/spouse in anger or resentment, but also be as straight and honest as you can, so you don’t hold onto those resentments or feeling ‘used’, as they are cancerous to yourself and your new family.
I do think step-mums have it tougher, as they often have to manage the household, care for the children in the absence of their father and generally litigate daily issues and arguments. And step-mums have a lot more cultural ‘baggage’ to overcome from myths, fairytales and the lies bio-parents perpetuate!
I think step-parents deserve medals!
I feel it’s a step-mother because I am the biological mother and I see the strains my children and my husband have and also my role in supporting him has taken longer than it could have. But due to the nature of the mother‘s abilities to be gentle, console, wipe tears, run the household duties most often, and want to be a mothering hen, I can’t imagine how hard it is for someone that is either not a biological mother at all or even wanting to be a mother to a child and cannot break through the barrier or want to push it. It just takes time and more step fathers are relaxed enough to allow the conversion time when Mothers aren’t so readily patient for it. We have that tendency to try and fix everyone & everything and its harder when you’re not give the chance to even try. I’m not a step mom but I do feel in seeing my husband struggle and myself struggle to please both the kids, myself, and him….its GOT to be hard on the step moms out there. And we’ve been married 4 1/2 years and when the books say it takes 5 years for step kids/parents to learn trust….they weren’t lying!
People learn the REAL us when we can relax and be ourselves. Most step-families don’t even get to that place because no one can really relax and be themselves fully. Like back in school 20 yrs ago. You could be with the same group of kids for 12 years and still only your closest friends knew the real you and what makes you tick.
I’m in a relationship that has been on & off for over two years. My boyfriend has 3 children (2 girls ages 15&13 and a boy age 11) from a previous marriage that he has full custody of. I have four children( all boys ages 19,15,10,&7). I have full custody of my two youngest boys and the oldest two visit every other weekend. I feel that the step mother has it tougher, when we lived together it was my responsibility to make sure everyone got on their buses for school, had their snacks, lunch money,etc. I did not work at the time and my boyfriend worked two hours away so everything was left up to me including chores and homework and housework and dinner. At first everything was great but eventually two of his children would run to their mother and say I was mean and horrible to them. This eventually lead to our first break up because I became severly depressed due to the situation at home and my father suffering a stroke and almost dying. My boyfriend and I are slowly trying to work things out but are both very scared because it went so badly the first time. I love my boyfriend and all three of his children and he loves me and all of my children.THe constant fighting and the house is way too small for all of those kids. How can we make this work without having to wait until most of the children are grown up to have a life of our own?
I believe it really depends on the parents and the sex of the child. But, in my situation it is me the stepmother who can not discipline. I have an 8 year old son that my husband got after for everything, he could never do anything right. He has now moved to his fathers, which has been hard on me. My husband has all girls he never gets after them they can do whatever they want with no rules and when I try, I get into trouble from him. It is to the point when they are here I do not talk at all. I also have a 12 year old daughter he does not get upset at but she is afraid to be yelled at since he always got after her brother. So basically my kids have to live by rules and his kids do not and we have them alot.
I am glad I read this and feel this is so poignant for me at this moment in time, and what to use this to draw strength from. Last two days I have been feeling exceptionally low within myself.
We are a blended family I have two girls from previous relationship and he has a son from his previous. We have full time custody of all three children. My girls have adapted to my partner, as he is excellent with the girls and they adore him. They have no contact from their father so have readily accepted my new partner. His son however has contact with bio-mother and it causes nothing but grief and heartache.
Everytime my stepson comes home from visits he is hostile to me, says comment like “if it werent for you my dad would be back with mummy” and “my mummy says i dont have to listen to you”. My stepson is getting increasingly volatile and screams all the time. My partner has the patience of a saint and is very calm and instructs his son that it is bad way to be, but I feel a failure and a lot of the time I feel frustrated and hurt but not sure how to deal with it anymore.
I worry how it impacts us all, as my oldest daughter is starting to say things like “stop being mean to my mum” I know what my stepson says isnt personal to me as the aggro only occurs when he comes home from visits with his bio-mother. I feel like I have two stepsons, the one who is loving and caring and happy and laughs at home and then the stepson who hates me with a passion, who comes back from his bio-mother hitting out, angry and upset.
I think pretty soon I will have no more tongue left to bite from the amount of time I have already shut my mouth and got on with things, it gets me really down but dont feel like I can complain to my partner as in all fairness he is supportive and genuinely tries to stop it to no avail.
My step-daughter and I were extremely close until her mother became jealous of my husband and I getting married. My step-daughter chose to live with us full time and when her mother fell into financial problems, she began to show interest in her daighter after 3 years, and influenced the daughter till we no longer can even speak to her. I believe that every child needs and deserves the love of their mother, but not at the expense of the father. It has been almost a year since our torture began and every day I cry inside over what has become of our family.
I have been a step mom for 6 years. I absolutely hate it. I am not close to the kids. My desire for a relationship with them is nit important to anyone. They don’t even recognize my birthday. I love my husband and do not believe in divorce. If I knew then what I know now I would have walked away. One of my friends is dating a man with children. She asked how our transition went after marriage. I told her and was honest. I know I am in this situation fir a reason but I certainly would never do it again. Sad.
I have worked very hard to have a good relationship with my step daughter and it hasn’t always been easy especially in the beginning for the first couple of years the blending thing was a hard slog and there were times i didn’t think we would make it. I do find myself being the disciplinarion in our house, in the beginning it was very hard but over the years my step daughter has come to except the situation in our house and I have told her that I set limits for her because I care about her and her well being and it’s my job as part of the parenting to do so. My husband found it very hard to act like the responsable parent in the beginning as a lot of people have said I think he was afraid he would loose her unless he was the fun dad.Also the constant critascsm from his exwife of us to his daughter has made him wary to particapate in the whole disciplining thing wanting to show a complete difference to her, I have found since our biological daughter has been born and he has stepped into the role of fulltime father again his parenting is evolving and he now takes more of an active role in disciplining his older daughter as well, I am glad of the help as I feel sometimes that is always my role and over the years it has made me resent him a little for always standing back and letting me always be the tougher one, a harder thing to do when I’m the step parent too.
As a step parent it’s harder to set the limits because really there is a part of me that feels that I don’t have the right and also I worry that as she becomes older it will course conflict between us, But I guess all anyone can do is love these children as best you can and do what you think is right and Hope for the best!:). I think Step parents in general have it harder in this department whether they are step mums or dads. For my earlier criticism of my husband the plus side of our relationship is he has neally always backed me up so I am luckier then some I love him dearly and I see the love within our family.On the whole I know I am blessed after reading some of the comments above my step daughter is a lovely child with a loving disposition so most of the time it’s guidence more then disciplin I’m giving out.
I don’t believe one can issue a blanket statement that one step sex has it harder than the other. I think there are many factors that weigh in. I was a widower and have been married to a divorcee now for 2 years. My 25 year old twin boys do not live at home, while her 17 year old girl and 15 year old boy live with us most the time. Both of her kids have ADHD, Anxiety and/or Mood disorders. My boys get along well with both their step siblings and step mother while frequently visiting. Initially I had a fairly good relationship with my step daughter; not so good with my step son. That roll reversed itself after about 18 months. In our situation, the boy responds better to men, and I think over time this has allowed for my relationship with him to improve. On the other hand, the girl is more manipulitive and use to get her way more with her mom. Also, I believe their mom has given me more support dealing with her son, than with her daughter. I know neither child gets along with their father’s mate, but she has no prior experience with children, and I believe brings a lot of the problems on there due to her actions. I do feel that the amount of support the bioparent gives the step parent greatly impacts the relationship between the step parent and step children, irregardless of sex.
Discipline= Boundaries
My kids get discipline from me when they dont do what they should. Then if they really get defiant or don’t respect me as their mother then my husband (their step parent) steps i and tells them the way they treat me is unacceptable and I deserve better from them. So…its both of us standing by each other actually. It took us a long while to get to this point though. But it seems to be working better than anything else we have done.
My daughter is good about working me into her fingers though and being snappy with me. My husband will ask me for a moment and he will give me a kind pep talk about how I deserve better treatment and not to let her talk back. So it helps with our standing by each other.
And on the other hand my husband does not see eye to eye with my Asperger/ADHD 21 yr old son and he that is our biggest problem. His very presence can aggravate my husband and I just have to say he’s my son, therefore a part of me, therefore I will be here for him 24/7. You love me….then you love him. If not…then you dont love me. Its hard.
I think a really important question is: Of whom is society more accepting? Who gets an easier go at sports outings and school extracurricular activities? I think this impacts the family just as much because societal pressurs are very strong and children read those signals too.
And the winner is? Stepdads are far more accepted, nay, revered! A stepdad shows up at a ballgame…late, well what a hero for coming at all! What a lucky kid that the stepdad makes that amazing effort. You will even here, “Heck my kids’s biological father won’t even show up.” What a guy, he left work early! Look how much he cares!
When a stepmom shows up, well who does she think she is? Trying to take that woman’s child away from her! Look at her, acting like that kid is hers! She needs to go get her own kids and stop trying to steal that poor mother’s children!
No actions are seen as kind or altruistic; they are seen as a threat to all the mothers who are at the event because narcissism is alive and well and they all think that could be them someday. They despise the stepmom because they imagine someone else holding their kids’s hands at a ballgame in the future. And if the stepmom happens to be good-looking? Fagetaboutit! It’s over. Plan on sitting alone for years…or until you meet another stepmom!
It’s society and it’s biology and few people bother to take a look at why they feel a certain way. If they did they would see that the kids are the most important and whoever is doing right by them is a good egg indeed!
I’ve been a stepmom for 6 out of my stepdaugter, who is 7 years old, so I’ve been there for her as far back as she can remember. She and I have a special relationship and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel that it depends on each situation. When my stepdaughter was about a year and a half old, she would cling to ME more so than her bio parent. As she grew older, the bio mother, who hated me, slowly turned my stepdaughter against me. We’re still in the courts for her precious mental health is turning out to be just like her bio mom, cause it’s easier to lie than to tell the truth. We’re doing everything we can to teach her that it’s not the way to go in life. She’s learning the hard way for sure. Her bio mom was supposed to take her daughter to counceling and has failed to do so, even ordered by the court. The judge says, IF OUR STEPDAUGHTER DOESN’T GET TO COUNCELING BY THIS COURT ORDER, THAT HER DAUGHTER WILL BE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER. The bio mother is to go to counceling as well as her mental health has been an issue all her life. My stepdaughte wants to stay here with me and her father. This poor child is going through hell and as far as whom she trusts is a big issue. This child knows who is what and speaks for herself. She’s had to grow up fast with having to blend in her two families. She is totally different with her bio mother than she is with me. Why? She’s not allowed to speak my name to her bio and it hurts that little girl so bad. When she comes to us for our time, she just lights right up and I couldn’t ask for a better sweet girl. So it depends on the circumstances in my eyes anyway.
To Angela Gray I was read your comment and I only offer this as helpful advice not to be judgemental, You say your step son hoards if is quite severe sometimes this can be a sign of an emotional problem ie( feelings of abandament or other issues) has your husband tried to talk to him about why he feels the need to hang onto material things? Maybe he feels that he can only control the things he owns. or am I reading to much into it and it’s just the usual childhood hoarding thing?
I am a stepmother, what do you do when your stepdaughter, after 7 years decides to go back with her bio mother? After years of taking care of her, looking out for her, making sure she has everything she needs, teaching her right from wrong, making sure she is safe, making sure she does good in school, and all of the other things that go along with being a mom. The bio mother has done NOTHING for her in seven years, NOTHING…. Never cared, never did a thing to be a mom…. and now she moves back with her, without even a goodbye to me…. I have many rescentments because of this, and her dad, my husband says nothing… What was it all for…..A smack in the face…. Im hurt, more like devastated…..
My stepdaughter came to live with my husband and me full-time when she was 13 and stayed with us for 10 yrs. During that period, I met several men with stepchildren living with them full-time. In comparing the two situations, I feel that the stepmom has it tougher, especially those like me who don’t have children of their own and don’t have first hand experience parenting. In the years that my stepdaugther lived with us, my husband was reluctant to set rules and discipline his daughter. Was this b/c he felt guilty, or wasn’t accustomed to being the disciplinarian and/or didn’t feel that this was his role as the dad? Though he encouraged me to step in, it often backfired and made the situation worse. I often felt that I was the bad guy (or girl in this case)and that we were living in the wild, wild west — a place without rules. When it came down to it, I didn’t feel like I much “authority” in matters related to my stepdaughter. In contrast, my stepdad friends didn’t need to worry about discipline b/c the biological mom always took the lead. Perhaps this role is built into the DNA of women/moms in general. I’m not sure, but this got me to thinking about traditional roles between men and women and moms and dads. While many of us may feel “liberated” in many ways, I wondered if there are still some unspoken roles that we all live by.
Depends on gender and age, but I think stepmothers have it harder as from what I have seen, biological mothers appear to be a lot more vindictive and manipulative and indeed psychological abusive of their own child to attempt to alienate the step mother, borne purely from fear of losing their child (both emotionally and physically) and due to lingering resentment of their ex spouse. Obviously every case is different, but a lot of women leave a lot to be desired if they truly had their childs best interest at heart.
I agree with Jo not only have i seen that with my own step child but also I experienced it first hand as a child from my own mother, also my husband had it not only from his mother but his grandmother as well about his father and stepmother.
Now that I’m a bio parent as well as a step mum I really can’t understand why for your own screwed up feelings about your ex that you would abuse your child in this way, there is so much I could tell my step child about her mother about all the mind games she plays and the stretched truths and outright lies she tells… but I always remember how it made me feel hearing the things my mum said to me about my dad and step mum the guilt trips she used to put me through and how it made me feel.
I definately want to be a better parent then that and when I look at my mother and the bitterness she had about everything and how it wrecked her life and made her and everyone around her misarable. The only thing I’m really grateful about is she taught me that I never want to be anything like that and it makes me try harder to be a better person. Although it took me most of my teens and twenties to get to this perspective.
i actually feel extremely sorry for my step daughter who lives with her mother fulltime, she visits with us every second weekend. She spends 30 more hours a week over and above school in care. Sits in the car for a good 30 mins before school due to not being allowed in her mums work place and having no morning care available to her. Only gets the one day (saturday) every second weekend to actually spend time with her mother. She moved to a town where she knew NO ONE and took a job working late and sundays. As a mother myself i couldnt do this to my child and refuse to, id rather have less money and have the time with my daughter. In turn this child is rather toxic
I suppose very generally speaking a child is more likely to actually live with their step-father than they are to live with their step-mother. So in those cases the step-father has a much more hands on parenting relationship compared to the step-mother who may only see her partner’s children when they come to their house maybe a few times a week or a month or whatever the arrangement is with the secondary caregiver. I said generally speaking.