Parenting without guilt
Adele Cornish, BSW
I recently asked those on my email list whether the following statement reflects their experience:
“My duty as a biological parent to train and discipline my children is done without guilt.”
Here’s what I went on to say:
***
“It is very common for those who have been through a divorce or separation to feel guilt about the pain their children have suffered as consequence. The thing about guilt is that it makes you focus on the past; you can get so busy trying to make up for your mistakes that you miss out on opportunities to create a better future. Now, if you want to raise your children into independent and responsible adults, you’ll have to be proactive. Feelings of ‘guilt’ make it easy to overlook behaviour you would not normally tolerate in a child, for fear of causing them more upset. If you have this tendency when your child misbehaves, ask yourself:
Is this particular behaviour something I want to encourage or discourage? By doing nothing, you inadvertently encourage it. If you want to discourage it, you’ll need to be proactive with a consequence.
Learn from the past but don’t let guilt motivate your future parenting decisions.
It is a day-by-day choice to let go of the past that will gradually lead to wholeness for yourself and your blended family.”
***
Shortly after I sent the email, I received a reply from a bio mother in a blended family. Here’s what she said:
“So true!! But not only guilt makes us overlook unacceptable behaviour, I think the fear of losing our child or driving them to the other bio parent makes us accept or overlook stuff that we normally would not tolerate, because we want to keep them with us. It is still not good practice to do this, as you are right in stating that all it is doing is encouraging that sort of behaviour. But… I suspect that we have all done it. I guess we just have to recognise when we have done it and try to change how we do things. Thanks so much your tips and emails. It helps to reinforce that we are trying to be good parents.”
Her response got me wondering what others have to say on this topic so here’s your chance. Do you agree? Does guilt affect your parenting? If you don’t discipline for fear of losing your children, what effect has this had (if any) on your relationship and on your children? Have your say now…..
I look forward to your feedback!
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. To maintain the integrity of this website I reserve the right to edit comments on any of the blogs that are deemed too long or offensive.
p.p.s. You can enter your name as ‘anonymous’ if you prefer. To protect your privacy your contact details are never shared.
I completely agree by boyfriend and I are having these issues with his bio children. He has so much guilt that he does not punish bad behavior. Everyone around him can see the effect it has had on his children except him. The kids have grown up to be disrespectful only because they know dad has guilt and all they have to say is “mom lets us”. I printed the post about guilt and read it to him, it is him to a T and he see’s it but after 15 years of him letting them get away without and consequences for their actions how do we change it?
All so very true. Not only does guilt prevent our disciplining, but even worse, leads to an over-indulgence, a readiness to let the child (as a teen and a young adult) run the relationship out of guilt for not doing enough to void divorce and out of guilt for the hurt caused. I find in my own case, going back to work and to school (to keep my new teaching job) took so much time away from my daughter that i’s a guilt that never ends. And yet, of course, I had to work and go to school at night to keep my job, because I was our main financial support and my daughter lived with me.
Jewel
Hi Adele,
My wife and I have a blended family with four children from my previous marriage and one from hers. In the four years we have been married, the primary conflict has been regarding our parenting styles. With my four, ages 5, 7, 10 & 12, I run a fairly tight ship with consequences if they present unacceptable behavior. I do not fear them running to the other side because my ex and I see eye to eye on parenting styles. The children will comment that I am more strict than their mom. Ironically, they tend to misbehave more at their mothers than when with me. I believe the hurdle is in the mind of the parent. The children want structure and need to feel your love for them. They know you care when you deliver consequences for bad behavior. I have explained to them what is expected and they know that it is their own fault if they are penalized for breaking the rules. Consequently, I have no behavior problems with my children. My wife on the other hand will profess she is riddled with quilt and becomes almost paralized when her daughter (age 5) misbehaves and knows she needs to give her a time out. When she does discepline her daughter it is without any fear of her daughter wanting to run to the other side. Her father is in fact more strict than my wife in this area. Our conflict develops because of the obvious reasons…I am stepping up and she is stepping down in the parenting arena. To resolve this issue, we have developed a step up, step down plan that involves me stepping down and her stepping up as it relates to her daughter. As the biological parent, she now has to bring herself to enforce the rules with her daughter and I am allowed to develop a relationship with my step-daughter. My wife has yet to resolve her feelings of quilt. Incidently, her daughter used to be a rebel in the family throwing tantrums and many other dysfuntional displays to get her mother’s attention even though it was negative. Now that my wife is stepping up, her daughter’s behavior is more in-line with my 4 kids. Our marriage is stronger and better for it as well. In short, I believe the key is to eliminate any fears by developing a co-parenting plan with your ex, (This gives you the permission you need to discipline your children (if you need it) without the worry) and to press through the quilt until such a time that you can remove it from the equation. My wife has actually been studying the longterm affects of improper parenting which is now helping her to see that she is hurting her daughter more by not parenting than if she does. An interesting and powerful transformation occured once she realized this fact. The key is to see the greater sin in not parenting…
Curt
Oh, boy. Guilt is a powerful motivator. I see it from a stanpoint of having lived through it. I am a single mom. My daughter did not live through a divorce. She was too young to remember her father. I raised her on my own, with the help of my mother. We did everything together. Yes, I felt that horrible guilt many times, when I had to go to work when she was off for the summer. I fell like we missed so much time together. I raised her have manners and to respect adults. She always had chores around the house and they were to be done before she went out.
For the last several years I have been with a man who is the complete opposite. His daughter knows no rules and boundaries. When she is with him for the weekends, he expects my daughter and I to cater to her. From the day we moved in together, he expected us to be a family. There was no adjustment time in his mind. The movies we were to go see every weekend were of his daughters choosing. She was allowed to go into my daughters room without consideration that privacy was important. She does not have to straighten up her room, help with the dog, or do any chores in the house. If I ask her to help, she goes to her father and tells himwhat I said, and he intreprets it as me barking orders at her. She throws utensils ihn the sink and walks away. I have asked her many times to put her dishes in the dishwasher, and her bottles in the grabage and they stay in the sink. She will pile garbage on an already overflowing garbage can and walk away.
Her Dad has told me he feels guilty if he insists she do those things because he does not want to loose her. I have been told not to speak to her. I have been asked though to carry her to and from wherever she wants to go, but I cannot ask her to do anything around the house. We just celebrated Thanksgiving, and she eats and drinks like the food is there for only her to consume. There is no consideration for anyone else but her.
This relationship is over, I am sure….. He will never understand what his guilt has done to all of us.
I can only imagine what the next few years will bring. I am hoping to get out of this unscathed, but I am not sure how at this point.
I have so much guilt I can’t begin to effectively parent or co-parent, I recently broke up a 2 year relationship because it was too frustrating to have him here everyday with my son and myself.
I’m from a divorced family, and from a blended family of 6, the best thing my parents did was let my grandparents who had been married for 50 years, take over the parenting for my brother and myself. That way only one set of children had to be in the new “blended” family setting.
My brother and I were with 2 people who after 50 years had very little to fight about, and the age they were made our house hold very calm and void of the all too often aspects, of drinking to cope, and triangular conversation where no one solves the conflicts. I always felt bad for our step-siblings who remained in the blended household setting with the newly married parents.
So although I sound negative, I believe the more important part to the eqaution is be honest with yourself and is the marriage really worth the turmoil it brings to the children?
I just want to say thank you for all the comments. I am the “step father” in the family, I have no children of my own and have had to stand by and watch as my partner allowed obvious unacceptable behaviour be dismissed because of her guilt. If there was any form of discipline performed as a consequence to behaviour that had reached a point of not acceptable, within 24 hours she would be doing something that would buy back their affection and approval and as I would see it, undermine the discipline.
I just want to say to any parent who may be motivated by guilt, not only does it give mixed messages to your children and give them a gate of escape and a tool to emotionally manipulate, it destroys any chance of the children respecting and having a healthy relationship with their “step parent” because they are going to be perceived as the whistle blower and the one who only sees the unacceptable behaviour.
The subsequent arguments regarding the unacceptable behaviour focus more on who is right or wrong in the disciplining which then allows the behaviour to become a non-issue and the conflict moves from being between the bio parent performing the discipline and the children concerned to the husband and wife. This display of behaviour for the children to see and hear only goes a long way to destroy any healthy respect and relationship with the step parent.
The children look on in amazement and go back to what they were doing while the parent slog it out with verbal exchange. To save the marriage, and to keep the peace, the step parent submits and guilt now reins supreme. Everyone may come out at some point and say sorry, however the damage has been done and the pattern of behaviour is established and sorry carries no weight anymore. It just serves as a shovel to pile on the guilt. The children know what they are doing is unacceptable, they feel a pang of guilt, and probably blame themselves for causing the situation. The bio parent accumulates more guilt for not being able to perform the discipline they know is needed, and guilt for the things said in the heat of debate, and the step parent feels guilt for being to cause of it by pointing out the unacceptable behaviour in the first place and for saying things in the heat of debate.
The children now further distance themselves from the Step Parent, because the step parent is a wake to the manipulations, the bio parent steps in to try and build the bridge of forgiveness for themselves and acts on the step parent behalf, which is hypocritical now given the children see the parents do not agree with each other
The vicious circle goes on and on and time passes and the family unit is destroyed and life becomes a series of avoidance games where no one is willing to speak because beneath the surface is blame, shame, regret and it all equals guilt.
So guilt has its way with everyone now, it is like a virus, it spreads from victim to victim. The only way I can see to stop it, is at its source. Then the healing can begin for the things that have happened over time as a consequence of guilt having its way in the first place.
My one plea with people who read this, do not use what I have written as a way to pile on more guilt. This is not meant to place blame on my partner, however we have to be honest and admit our part that we play in the dynamics. The truth will set you free and then be able to design another way to interact and deal with unacceptable behaviour. Prevention is the best method, so read the signals and the signs and set some boundaries and structure before it is too late.
Bio Parents, please listen to your partner, they are an observer on the outside looking in and can see the very things that guilt will deny.
Raising my 25 year old son (still), makes me angry at him, angry at myself for allowing me to be in this situation. I love my son but he should be taking care of his mother now, not me still taking care of him. Yet I allow him to continue to stay with me, no job, no ambition! He stays up late playing video games and sleeps until 2 or 3pm. I am preparing to move to another state. Once my son has helped me in this move, he is going back to CA. I have to stop worrying that he will be on the street or end up in jail! Yet my guilt is so huge, will I be strong enough to send him back to California??? I really don’t know.
What happened, happened. We owe them a place to live, food, support for school. Anything else is bonus. Yes, I recruit my children: I play with them, give them limits, listen to them. I acknowlege the pain their parents put them through. We have very little credibility with them: We say “forgive” yet we don’t, we say “share” yet we won’t, we say don’t gossip, yet we do, we say tell the truth, then lie. Fortunately, I am forgiving myself, and their mother, so guilt has less of a hold on me, and I have learned that there is no perfect parent anyway.
I married my husband earlier this year, he has 4 children, the youngest is a 5 yr old boy, and he has 3 older teenage sisters. My daughter is 6yrs old, and has bonded very well with her new brother, and they see each other every second weekend, and once a week.
My thoughts on this subject are that guilt is a constant companion of every parent, and is exacerbated when the bio parents split. While my daughter’s father and I are on very good terms, we still struggle with our differing parenting styles. My husband on the other hand is completely estranged from his ex wife, and has less ability to deliver consistant parenting.
We have noticed, that the children are much happier and easier to manage when we enforce simple rules, and resist the urge to “spoil” them with their every wish. We find that after an initial adjustment period when we begin our custodial visits, usually involving incidents around attitude and food, we re-orientate the children to the values that we enourage – respect, kindness, patience, obedience etc. This seems to work, and while we are extremely fortunate that the two young ones get on well, our attempts to discipline, while not always as consistant as we should be, work well when we do.
Absolutely no guilt on my part. The divorce was hard on all of us but I have told my children that it cannot be used as an excuse for bad behaviour or any other mistake made in life. What we can do is learn from our mistakes, count on each other, and move forward. They have threatened to move in with my ex and I say – go right ahead. You must live with him for 1 year. If they truly want to do it, then I support their decision but they are not allowed to use it as blackmail. In the end, after 13 years of raising my children alone, they have never once gone to live with my ex (even with multiple threats). Now that I am getting remarried – and it is a big change for us, they again threatened to move because of the change. That lasted about 1 week. Now we are all adjusting to each other and it is working out the way it is supposed to. My job as a parent is to raise children who will be a solid member of society and who take personal accountability for their actions.
I agree that guilt is a primary factor in how the biological parents parent. My separation and divorce is new and was only a year ago and I have realized that I quit disciplining my daughter because I felt like I had already changed her life so much. My current boyfriend which is a figure in my past that I had a long standing relationship with brought it to my attention and reminded me that yeah I changed my daughters life but that she was happy now and my parents even said that she was much happier. I have realized that I couldnt let my feelings about something that I did for her own well being affect the adult that she will become.
My husband is always yelling at me because I make the kids behave. He claims I am running his kids off. So obviously he doesnt have the capability to raise his kids properly and is doing them quite a disservice. When it comes to my kids he nags and name calls and my kids are much more behaved then his are. It causes many problems in our relationship and at times I am just ready to give up. His kids were abandoned by there mother at 18mts(boy) and 3(girl)——she is now back in their lives but that low self esteem and a host of other dysfunction is in them. I feel they need really fair and firm discipline(as all kids do) even more due to the loss they suffered w/ the mom leaving at such an important age. Lets face it kids are beaten and molested and they STILL love their parents do we really think that being fair yet firm is going to destroy their souls or make them hate us? I think because they are not raised with limits they will end up leaving and making poor choices because they havent been taught how to behave and treat people. When you live out of fear what ends up happening is the fear ends up becoming reality. I have warned my husband that his biggest fears will come true and it will be nobodys fault but his own. I believe children that come from these broken homes are broken and if consistent firm parents are not there to lead, the children will in turn make very poor choices. Im not here to be my childrens buddy. I have a duty to parent them and if I dont do it right they will fail. Easier said then done sometimes i guess. The kids I have seen whose parents let them get away with murder end up hating their parents and not respecting them. Its so hard to be a parent let alone a step parent. If anybody could help me to explain that this style of disciplining doesnt work i welcome your comments!! thanks!
My situation may be a little different here but I too have allowed guilt over past experiences cloud my choice for actions when interacting with my children. My wife passed away 2-years ago from alcohol abuse. For the last 7-years of our marriage she was very harsh to our daughter. Since she has been gone I have been trying to “Make-up” for the difficult life I think she had by overlooking current behaviors. Now that I am in a new relationship and this woman with 2 children also wonders why I look past the many behaviors my kids get away with. And she is right, all I am doing is empowernig my kids to feel the way they do because of what they went through rather than teaching them how to make there world a better place by doing what is right. It’s not easy, swithching tracks. With the help of my partner I can see that what I was doing is empowernig my kids to look at life as a victem. This is not the case, what I do now is ask myself when interacting with my kids is, “How do I control the outcome of this situation to have a positive influence on there lives”. I no longer look at it as my job to make up for what happened but how to make the most of what is happening now.
My husband and I have 4 boys between us. My 2 boys are 20 & 18, they primarly live with us. My oldest is away at college in another state and lives at home during school breaks and summer. My 18 is a sr. in hs. and will also go away to school in August. My husband boys are 12 & 17 they stay over 1 night a wk and every other weekend. We have been married for 3 yrs , living together for 4 yrs and together for 6ys. My husband is ridden with guilt that he is not with his boys 24/7. The guilt is so bad that he allowed his oldest to sleep with him until the day he moved into my house. His oldest wanted to sleep over on wed nights, spending an evening with his Dad just wasnt enough for him. Through guilt my husband allowed it eventhough he wakes the boys up between 4-5 am to drive them back home then off to work. I fing this insane especially during the school year. But I have been told that his son wants this and this is how it is. When he first moved in there were rules for all the boys. I had rules for my boys and when his boys were here they had rules. Then an incident happened during a weekend stay (shortly after he moved into my house) where my husband had to inforce his threat. He followed through, my stepsons didnt like this. So when they got home they told their mother. When he went to pick them up the following wed. His exwife came out and told him the boys didnt want to come over. They were upset about the way he was treating them. She reminded him that my boys are not his kids and he shouldnt treat them better than his own. So out of guilt he has allowed his boys to do whatever they wish when they are with us. This has caused so many problems. A few months after that had happened my youngest and his 2 boys were goofing around and his oldest broke my sons glasses. I punished my son for letting it get out of hand and he didnt even yell at his kids. After that incident my youngest told me why do I always get punished when something involves all of us and they dont even get yelled at. Both of my boys refused to do chores any more due to his oldest one day saying Mom says I dont live here so I dont have to do anything to help around here. So out of guilt my husband allowed his kids not to do any chores at all while they are here. So what do think happened my kids refuse to do any chores. This has caused many upsets through out the house. Especially for me, I constantly have to bark at my boys, and I constantly have to clean up after his kids. My stepsons are very disrespectful to me, my house, my boys and to everything that is in the house. The oldest has manipulated my husband and plays games with his mother that it has ruined important times that my husband and I were suppose to be celebrating. He has done this by maniluation and guilt. One of many incidents that has ruined my relationship with my spouse. Its New yrs eve, It is our last new yrs eve that we will not have any of the boys at home. We decided to go away for the weekend and enjoy this holiday alone. Day after Christmas his exwife calls and tells him he has to take the boys for New yrs eve, because she is visiting her boyfriend (he lived 2 hrs away). My husband told her no, we have plans. 2 days later his oldest calls him and tells him he doesnt want to spend the weekend at his mother’s bf house. He wants to spend it with his Dad. My husband tells me this and I reply” They are playing a game with you and she is maniluating you through her son so she can have another weekend free”. He tells me OH no that is not it at all. I tell him he is not keeping his promise with me and is granting his exwife whatever she wants. He tells me he doesnt see it that way. At the end of our conversation he promises we are going away. The night we are suppose to leave he calls me after wk. He then tells me he will be home shortly after he drops the boys off at his parents house. He had called his mother after our conversation to ask if they can watch them for new yrs weekend. SHe agreed. And I never heard about this till the night we were leaving to go away. I was furious at him for allowing manipulation and guilt to give into her demand. But he promised we were going to be alone. I truly believed him. I was upset because he wasnt honest with me about the situation but let it go cause I was promised a weekend alone with them. Well didnt happen. Here is how I spent that weekend. We leave after he drops off the boys. We were having such a great time. The next day new yrs eve(saturday) we were enjoying ourselves at the hotel party. His son kept on texting him and calling him. About 8pm his son left him a guilt ridden message. Dad-you promised we were going to spend new yrs with you, I dont want to spend it with Grandma and Grandpa. I want to be with you. SO, what do you think happened. We packed our bags and left the hotel which was a couple hrs away. He called his son apologizing and telling him dont worry Im on my way to pick you guys up. I was livid….I cant even discribe how angry I was. Here it was New yrs eve. our last one to be alone and he backed out of his promise to me cause of the guilt his son laid on him and because they are so manipulative. And the son knows it. So he will pull any shot to get his way. I told my husband take me home first, then go pick up your boys. I know the kid’s game. His grandparents dont have cable tv or a computer. He was bored and wanted his way. After he dropped me off at home I unpacked and went to bed and fell asleep. Nice way to bring in the new year. The next day when my boys got home at 5, his boys were still here. Needless to say when my boys saw them here they were very angry at me that they had to spend new yrs eve at their dad’s when they wanted to stay home and go out with friends. I didnt allow my boys to manipulate me and make me feel guilty. Sadly alot of resentment and anger lingered after that incident. THe worse part is he doesnt see that he ruined my weekend. He feels he had to do what he had to do for his boys. This situation only has led into more situations. His son knows that he can manipulate his Dad with guilt to get anything he wants. His sons do not talk to me, they leave their food, drinks, socks, etc everywhere for me to pick up. I ask nicely and I get attitude. When his oldest son is here at the house the tension is unbelievable. He has made up stories to his Dad about me, He is allowed to have his gf over any time he is here. And they lay all over each other, and she stays way past curfew. And my husband doesnt reinforce the rules I set down He tells me I tell the kid what am I suppose to do if he doesnt listen. Geez, He doesnt see what he is doing. He is so blinded by his guilt and his son’s game and manipulation that our marriage is severly at the edge of a breaking and he tells me I need to do something about my attitude with his son. Yet his son walks into the house, not one word to me, not even a hi. It is so stupid that the kid wont even talk to his father in front of me. He calls him into another room and asks him something. I even have heard my husband say go ask Pat. Yet my stepson never does. I am not aknowledged as anything to his sons. I was not allowed at graduations, games etc. He allows his sons to be disrespectful to me and my home. I have no relationship with them at all, even after I have tried numerous times in the past. Now there is so much resentment and hurt on my end that I dont bother anymore all I receive is attitude and sarcasm from his oldest. His son has caused some major problems in our marriage and he has allowed it all to happen! His youngest is a sweetheart to me only when his brother is not around..My marriage will probably end in the near future All due to GUILT! So here I am I have raised 2 sons to be independent men, and to succeed with education. While his son is flunking classes and plays the game with his Dad of being a needy suffering kid.
I am engaged to a man who has sole custody of his 10 year old son. My children are all adults but my soon to be 21 year old daughter lives with me. My fiance does not live with me but does visit every weekend and every other weekend with his son. The subject of discipline and structure is a common topic between us and is a main reason I feel I need to slow down the train before taking the giant leap of getting married and combining families.
As the bio parent he admits to overcompensating due to a nasty custody battle that left his son disoriented, age-regressed and emotional. The son is home schooled and has a nanny who plays the main parenting role. Our conversations revolve around my fiance’s needing to step up and take firm control in parenting (no nannies or home schooling after marriage) as I do not think it is my role as a future step mom. But that’s exactly what seems to be happening. It seems I’m the only one who takes notice and sets the limits (when he’s with me) regarding bed times, showers, manners at the dinner table, chores, etc.) He even gives his son an allowance of $20.00 a week which I think is extreme for a 10 year old.
We obviously have very different parenting styles and although he says he agrees with everything I believe and say, I still always have to play the role of disciplinarian when they are at my house. My rules obviously don’t apply when they are at their house because you often hear “good thing you’re not at her (my) house” because you wouldn’t get away with that. To me the tragedy then becomes that his son now has 3 sets of rules to remember: his house, his mom’s house, and my house.
The boy has adjusted remarkably well and is now a happy and content 10 year old. He and I have bonded very well and despite having to adjust to “my rules”, he is a loving and agreeable child. My concern rests between his father’s parenting style and mine and the effect it will have on the child when he gets older. My own children have done well and have not suffered any ill effects by having structure and discipline in their lives. Two are married with good jobs and own their own homes. I just do not see how that would have happened (easily) without the discipline instilled in their early years. If children don’t learn self discipline and self control from their parents, where will they learn it?
Great question! I am the father of three (son, 16, daughters, 14 and 11). My wife has two boys, ages 18 and 16. We have been living under one roof for over three years. My kids spend half their time with me. They spend the other half at their Mom’s house, which is through the woods, less than 1/4 mile away.
Our blended family had a major meltdown over the weekend. I saw it coming for a long time but my wife feels she was blindsided. During a fight between my 16 year old stepson and my 14 year old daughter, my 16 year old son chimed in, sticking up for his sister. It got pretty ugly to the point that my son and stepmom were yelling at each other and my son told his step brother and stepmom that he truly did not like either of them and wished they would move out. It really shook us up (my wife and I) to the point where we both are very concerned for the future of our family.
Here is where the guilt factor (my own) comes in: My ex wife has a temper. She flies off the handle frequently and says very hurtful things to those closest to her. She still does it with my kids while at her house. I was victim to this while married and as a result, do not respect my ex-wife’s parenting style. She overreacts, constantly blames others and does not hold herself accountable for her actions. Nor does she apologize for her actions.
Despite this, she and I speak daily about our kids, but I am leery when it comes to getting the true story when it comes to our kids. My kids know this and most likely manipulate me at times. As a result, I think my guilt sets in. When they are with me, I want them to have a more positive experience and probably bend too much the other way and let things slide. It sometime seems like my kids have to go thru “DeTox” when they leave their Mom’s house and come to my house. From my persective, I rarely have any serious discipline issues with my kids. There is a tremendous amount of love and mutual respect that we show each other.
However, my wife and son have never really bonded. They both claim to have tried to build a relationship. My wife is a schoolteacher; conservative and disciplined. She does not feel my son is considerate or respectful to her, especially while I’m gone. My son thinks she is too straight laced and does not accept him and thinks he’s a second class citizen compared to her boys. I have noticed and “felt” the tension between the two of them, almost from day one. The friction is exacerbated because of the differences in personalities of the three boys.
My wife is extremely sensitive to being disrespected and not considered, which makes my son’s behavior or lack thereof, more difficult to assess. I’m feeling tremendous guilt because I’m truly not sure how hard to come down on my son. My wife perceives it as me not backing her up. As a result, I feel like I’m not handling things properly and may be letting our family fall apart.
I have struggled with guilt every now and then, but I don’t think it has affected how I discipline the kids. My ex and I are pretty close in how we raise them, so I usually have no worries. But I have seen each of my kids, especially the youngest, try to manipulate a situation to their favor. In times like those, I can feel the guilt rise up, but I just remind myself that I have nothing to feel guilty of except wanting to be happy for myself and happiness for my kids. Me not parenting them is going to cause nothing but misery down the road.
I do feel I have a close relationship with my kids, where I can discuss just about anything with them, but not using them as my “friends” when I need to talk. I think honesty plays a big part in all of this also. My youngest was very young when we got divorced and now he is just seeming to realize what exactly has happened to our family. To me, I feel he has acted out recently, he does seem angry. He even will ask me why I don’t live with his father. I give a good neutral answer, and he seems to be ok with that. Again this is where the guilt can creep back in, but I know I am happier in my life, thus the kids will be happier also.
One of my favorite things to say to my kids is that life can be cruel and unfair many times. (makes me cringe because I sound just like MY parents, LOL) But I stress that as long as you have people who love you, such as me and their father, things will always work out for the best, no matter what happens.
As someone stated before, kids yearn for structure. They may complain and test you when you lay the rules down, but in their minds and heart they know you love them so much. I feel bad for parents who think that letting their kids do anything, anytime is showing love for their kids. It think it actually shows the kids that they are not worth your time (in my opinion)
Thanks for letting me here, and thanks to the others for sharing also….. I find these are so very helpful.
Happy Holidays to everyone!
Wow…I have read and these posts and Thank you John (your reply on: December 2, 2009 at 3:23 pm). You are the step parent without any children of your own with very insightful truth to your words. And your comment “Bio Parents, please listen to your partner, they are an observer on the outside looking in and can see the very things that guilt will deny.” Yes this is true.
Listening is the key here. I am the bio parent of a 20 yr old male with Aspergers and a 16 yr old female with control issues. But what house is “so called normal”? My spouse has no children either.
I have learned in the 3 years of this blended marriage and talking to others as well these things. Please if you do not read anything else…read this.
1. Pick your battles. Which one is more important? ex: the length of his hair to you as his (step or bio) parent image – or the fact that he does not pick up after himself and you are always having to go behind him.
A. The “other” bio parent will be just as guilty as we are on this one. They may allow this…but wont allow that.
2. Respect each other as parent and child. Start in small steps. She had a myspace account, “we” had rules. 1. No one you dont know on there and we will monitor from time to time, she broke it. “We” took down the account over two years ago. STICK together on morals and values.
A. The other bio parent may allow it without restrictions, but that would not be the COMPLETE reason for leaving.
3. Trust. I spent 2 years literally doing everything possible to change my soon to be 17 yr old daughters mind about a boy that broke her heart and my trust once before. I found out she was still talking to him. So I knew he was bad and I knew I was not getting through with every known tatic I had. So I let go with one rule. “If he really loves you and you love him then ask him to prove himself in 90 days by stopping the bad things and trying harder.” It took her 3 weeks after two years to come to me and say “I cant believe it Mom, I thought I could change him bc we wanted this for so long and he wont change” She HAD to see for herself.
A. The grass is always greener but then it grows thin. At the age of 14, 15, and 16 I stood up and said “I will pack your bags for you if thats what you want and I mean it” It took that fear out of my mind. They may go and they may not but neither of mine went yet and I ask family members if they want one from time to time in joking but also to remind my kids I meant what I said. Neither have pushed my guilt button.
4. DO NOT think a divorce does not affect your children as mentally as you. Last week my parents have admitted they are going through a divorce after 44 years of marriage, 4 grown kids, 18 grandkids, and both are 65 years of age. It hurts beyond all hurt to see my bio-parents hurt. I would trade my legs for her pain in her heart. That tells me something VERY SIGNIFICANT….Even at 39 years old….my parents happiness is everything to me as well as my kids. But it is earned….not given.
Much love, Wendy
First of all, I don’t feel guilty for divorcing my children’s father. We had a good run, made beautiful children, but our ability to be good for each other ran out. No fault, no blame. That’s a huge chunk of the problem. My second husband and I are raising 3 of mine and 2 of his ranging from 7-17 “From Printing to Pot” as we jokingly refer to the range of issues. My husband’s ex recently got married and claimed that the kids were having difficulty with her remarriage BECAUSE of her initial divorce from my husband. That’s a long time to string something out. So her remarriage is my husband’s fault for divorcing her in the first place. When you carry around that type of distorted thinking and blame, it’s impossible to parent properly.
I agree with Anonymous. Boundaries, rules, limitations—just like the Dog Whisperer says! I often quote him on this website because I agree with his ‘energy’ theories. All of our kids are so happy and relieved to come to our house. They know they can relax because SOMEONE IS IN CHARGE. Not them. That is a lot of stress on a child to believe that they have all of the control—-which comes when parents aren’t in control. Our kids know that they have limits and, after an initial settling down period, (which can be rough) they are awesome.
I can’t speak for my husband, but guilt doesn’t play a part in my disciplining. I am stricter with my kids than with my step-kids, but I don’t feel like that’s a bad thing. If guilt crops up it will be because I think I have been more affectionate with one or the other–my kids out of normal mothering, or my step-kids in an effort to not make them feel left out. I have this weird sense that my step-daughter can feel that my hug is different than the one I give my bio daughter! How’s that for guilt?!
With all of the kids, the discipline and control in the ‘other’ house is so random that we have started looking at it as a good example for all of the kids as what NOT to do, what kind of parent NOT to be themselves when they grow up and look back. I have to think that the chaos in the other house can serve some useful purpose…someday!
My husband and I married about 3 years ago. I have 3 daughters, ages 17 (twins) and 19, and my husband’s daughter is 11 years old now. I should point out that my husband raised his daughter alone for 8 years prior to us meeting. Her mother is not interested in parenting my step-daughter or her half-sister, who lives with an aunt. I have been divorced from my daughters’ father for 13 years. I have NEVER felt guilt when disciplining my daughters – not that they haven’t tried to get me to feel guilty! It is my job as a responsible parent to discipline them, to teach them right from wrong and to help them grow up to be responsible, respected adults, all with lots and lots of love. I had a lot of trouble with my 19 year old, from ages 15 to 18 she rebelled. She is now responsible and respectful. Her sisters (twins) are distinguished honor roll students and are well respected amongst their peers as well as adults. Yes, of course, I stumbled along the way, don’t most parents? There is NO parent who is perfect, but I think I’ve learned from my parenting mistakes.
My husband feels much guilt because his daughter was raised w/o the benefit of a mother’s love. He has never SAID he feels guilty, but it is quite obvious when he does not discipline his daughter and everyone sees this, even teachers – but not my husband. For the past 3 years I have tried to raise my step-daughter employing the parenting skills I used to raise my own daughters. My husband treats me as the enemy, the wicked step-mother. My husband accuses me of picking on his daughter. He has treated me disrespectfully in front of her and has told me that he married me ONLY to have a mother for his daughter (probably should have rode out on the horse I rode in on at that point – but I persevere). As time has progressed I’ve been told to “leave her the “f*ck alone” (in front of the child). He has told me that he married me NOT to PARENT her, but to teach her how to be a girl! She is determined to be like her father – so that isn’t working!! Even with 4 women in the house!! I asked him what’s his Plan B! LOL Anyway, last night at dinner she was eating her steak in huge hunks. Her father ASKED her to cut her meat, even offered to cut it for her. She told him no and continued snarfling up her meat. I said, “…, your father asked you to cut your meat,” she said “yeah” (I hadn’t been asking a question!). I said, “so I guess you just don’t want to,” – she said that’s right and laughed her head off. He just sat there not saying a word. His reluctance to discipline her, to rock her boat, and his disrespect for me (which his daughter mimics) is draining (has drained) all my love and respect for him. He allows her to wear make-up to school (I feel she is too young AND she goes to Catholic school, which surprises me they would allow it!). One morning she had on WAY too much make-up. I told her that was too much make-up for a young girl to wear – she said “so!” Luckily for her the bus was already at the end of the driveway. I told her next time, bus or no bus, she will be toning the make-up down before walking out the door. Apparently, that afternoon she told her father I had picked on her. I explained to him that I don’t think it is necessary for an 11 year old to wear that much make-up, and that she was disrespectful to me. She, of course, proceeded to lie and told him she never said “so!” He knows she lied, but he told me I was the one lying and to leave her alone. The amount of make-up – the original conversation- was not discussed after that.
I wish I could talk with my husband about all this – w/o his constant hostility towards me when it comes to his daughter. He makes excuses for her behavior, and she is doing the same at home and at school. He has taught her well! The teacher told us of a bullying incident my step-daughter was involved in. My step-daughter’s excuse for her behavior was that her mother is a drug addict (which IS true). I just looked at the teacher thinking there must be more to this…nope, that’s her excuse for bullying a classmate – her mother is a drug addict. What does one have to do with the other? And there were no consequences for her behavior at school, either. My step-daughter has seen a counselor at school (at the prodding of other childrens’ parents), but my husband feels the counselor CONVINCED his daughter that she is having problems because he doesn’t believe in “quacks!”
I feel that if my husband and I were able to work together disciplining the children, our relationship, and my relationship with my step-daughter, would improve greatly. The kids are so much happier and agreeable when my husband and I are happy and getting along. His guilt is eating him alive and killing “us.”
Regarding her blatant disregard for anything I say, I have given up. Whatever she needs, she will have to ask her father. This is VERY difficult for me. I cannot live in a household with an 11 year old child who needs guidance and discipline, when I am not allowed to be her parent. I cannot talk to my husband about how I feel because my feelings are “ridiculous” and “I am crazy and making things up.” I try to just let it all roll off my back, say nothing and ignore situations concerning her, but it is extremely difficult. How can I be a responsible PERSON (forget being a parent), and not try to guide this child? My children are grown and ready to leave the nest for college next year, so do I stick it out and hope my husband will overcome his feelings of guilt and start parenting his child (although I sincerely feel in my heart that nothing is going to change), or abandon ship and suffer MY OWN GUILT forever??
John You hit the nail right on the head.
My Husband has 2 kids 24 and 26. They were raised in a marriage that stayed together for the kids. The parents slept in seperate beds, took the kids on seperate vacations, etc. The parents were so busy trying to buy the kids love and keep the kids loyality that they were not parenting.
The kids learned to use their parents guilt to the max. It worked for the kids and still does.
These two young adults still throw temper tantrums like 3 year olds. And not a week goes by that they don’t say to their Dad ” Don’t worry about it I just get Mom and her new husband to buy it or do it for me.”
That is all it takes for them to get Dad to jump though their hoop.
The result of this guilt.
Two Kids that are verbally abusive to their Father, have no respect for him at all. They are master minipulators.
Quote from the son ” All I have to do is say what I want and when I want it and I will get it.” Nothing is ever said to either of them because the parents are so afraid that they will then give their loyality and love to the other parent. No one else is allowed to say anything to them because it might hurt their feelings and drive them away. Guilt is power to them and they Love the power that guilt has given them.
The 24 year old boy graduates from college in 2 weeks. He has never worked at a job. He has never paid for anything himself. It has all been handed to him by two guilt ridden parents who try to out bid each other.
He want and expects a CEO job that pays 6 figures where he only works 15 hours a week and retires at 30.
He and his parents cannot understand why the line has not formed at his door of employers who would be honored and lucky to have him grace them. So, he will wait until this jobs fall from the sky into his lap. While his parents continue to provide for his very upscale standard of living that he is entitled to.If they dare try to forget about their guilt. He will make sure that he is right there to remind them. His Dad believes that some employer will understand that he needs to make alot of money but they will need to not expect much from him.
These two parents cannot understand why people do not worship these two children they way they do. I am expected to
turn the other check when he is verbally abusive. I am not allowed to say anything as it might hurt his feeling and drive him into his mothers arms. He can speak how every he wishes about my children all of whom work and go to school and pay most of their own expenses. We all just have to understand.
The sad part for my husbands kids. They are not happy. Their God is Money. The only thing that matters to them. They have no friends. They have never had a dating relationship. They will never be satisfied. They can never have enough material goods in their eyes. They always want more or better. Love to them is what you buy them. They will go through life expecting people to worship them as their parents do. They will never let their parents forget this guilt as they would lose their power to control.
All this in the name of Guilt.
Agree with many points from previous entry. My parenting style is less relaxed than my partner’s and my son lives with us whilst his children (same age group 13-16) come on alternate weekends and holidays. Our semi-blended situation causes a problem in itself in that my son is being brought up by me prdominantly but my partner’s sons are here for a relatively short period to see their Father. As they are the same age there has to be a degree of consistency and my son is in his normal environment whereas my partner’s are here for a ‘treat’ and are cut a lot of slack as he considers that their Mother’s parenting style is too strict, more akin to mine. This has resulted in me being more relaxed with my own – sometimes against my better judgement but trying to keep a workable peace – but not at the expense of spoiling him. My partner wants his children to want to continue to come and see him and feels that if he lets them do whatever they want then that will be the case as they are not ‘hasseled’ here. They are very receptive children and do adhere to my suggestions but i feel that I’m the one who has to be the ‘baddy’ all the time – even if it is just to load the dishwasher! This issue causes more problems between my partner and myself than between me and his boys. It has taken me quite some time to realise this as I used to think that my problem was with his boys but as they are used as a stick with which to beat me it has taken me a long time not to resent the stick but address the issue of the person weilding it.
I’m not so sure I am guilty, or at least not so much that is could be considered detrimental, but I know my fiance is. He felt so much guilt over divorcing his childrens mother, and leaving their home, breaking up the family that he kind of lets his kids schedule his time with them. They won’t stay the night ever (he lives just down the road from them) unless dad is taking them hunting which leads to it being too late to go to nana’s house. His mother is guilty as well, allowing the children not only to practically live with her, but to also sleep with her or together. It is a boy and a girl, ages 11 (girl) and 7 (boy), which leads to part of the reason why they don’t stay over often. Yet, come Saturday morning, they are blowing up the phones for him to come pick them up, then 9 or 10 that night, they are ready to go, and he takes them wherever they want to stay that night. When he does decide to make them stay, which isn’t consistently, he allows them to sleep together, which I feel is totally inappropriate. We can’t make plans to do alone activities, or have date night becuz he feels guilty about taking them to his mothers for that reason, but not if he wants to go hunting without the children, then he’s running them right over there. He says it makes him feel guilty for taking time with them to give it to me. So, on we go, haha. Thanks for letting me vent.
Hi I know you were addressing this to bio parents but as a step parent I have found myself having the same feelings. In the beginning of my relationship with my step daughter I found myself putting up with very negative behaviour from her and was really afraid of setting boundaries for fear that she wouldn’t like me, but as time went on I realised for her sake and mine it was my job as a step parent to teach and guide her as much as it was her dad’s job too. Today we have a really loving relationship and we both respect each other I found that the more effort I put in and the more I showed her that I cared about what happened to her and taught and guided her in her life the better she responded what she really wanted to know was that I cared enough about her to take the time and make an effort.
Guilt can be a strong hold if a person allows it to be. My daughters father left in front of her and lied to her that he ws not leaving he was just getting “rid of some things”. He drove off in his car and never came back. Needless to say I divorced him for several reasons. I told my new husband that he has to give her time to adjust. Our son told him the same thing. When we got together and moved into the house he started inspecting every little thing and found something wrong. I got fed up and called him a nag! I taught my children how to clean up and be respectable towards adults. But it seem that nothing my daughter did was good enough. She was working a part time job and in high school. He got her a cell phone and agreed to pay the bill as long as she worked. This was HIS rule not mine. My rule is different education is first. I told her if her grades slip she could only work weekends but it did not work out like that she ended quiting her job. He took the phone and I got her one and I pay the bill and I told her when she finds another job she will pay her portion of the bill. He later told me that he git her the phone to show her that she does not have to want for anything. I told him that I raised my children to be humble not to be materialistic. You can not buy my children’s love. If its there it is there if it is not there its not there.
I thank my father for that little grain of gold. He always use to say “A woman can not buy my affection” and “A man can not buy a womans affection.” I passed this on to my own children adn it seems to be working.
Since the incident with the phone I told my husband that he was pushing the children away by being overly critical about every little thing. Since I told him this things have been much calmer. It is going to take some time for this blended family to work itself out but it will. I can’t get frustrated and I am glad that I found this website and I prayer ALOT.
Frances Ruby C. (my grandmother 89 years old)
Many years ago before modern medicine when women passed away during childbirth or shortly after for another reason, their widowed spouses found another wife to care for his children. My mamaw just a month ago was talking to me about my blended family and asked me if my kids liked him and vice versa. I said yeah its a lot of give and take though. She said and I quote “I hated my stepmother and she was good to us. I never gave her a chance because she took my daddy away from me. He was a good daddy and she was a good woman, I just hated her and now I regret it cause we could’ve had a better relationship.” And when my daughter visited Mamaw later she told my daughter the exact same thing.
I thought that was worth making a comment.
Discpline seems to be a bad word in our household — as least as far as my boyfriend is concerned. I don’t agree with the way he wants to “discpline” my child because the way he does it is very negative and damages my child’s self-esteem. He uses cruel words and makes my child feel like he’s “stupid” or “unworthy.” Therefore, I don’t allow my boyfriend to say anything negative to my son. For example, if my son leaves a candy wrapper on the table without throwing it away, my boyfriend will use a why question. “Why is the wrapper on the table?” While this isn’t horrible at first glance, a repetition of why statements, to me, is asking “why are you so dumb that you couldn’t throw this away?” My response to my son’s neglect of throwing away his wrapper is to enforce a consequence directly related to the problem, instead of negative the reasons. Why is the sky blue? Because it is. Why didn’t you throw away your candy wrapper? Well . . . how would you answer that one? The point is to get him throwing away his garbage, not undermining is character. On the other side of the coin, when my boyfriend’s kids are here, I see him following them around and taking care of their candy wrappers and other “garbage” laying around. He doesn’t say anything to them and it really makes me mad. I understand that they don’t live with us and he doesn’t want to “ruin” his weekend with them, however, my son sees it as a personal offense and that he just doesn’t like him and his kids get away with everything. I don’t let my son get away with a lot as I know the importance of learning good behavior early. I prefer he makes mistakes now rather than later, so that he learns from the consequences before the consequences turn more serious, as with breaking a law. If he learns there are consequences for bad behavior now, then he will know in the future that the more serious and the older he gets, the worse the consequence will be. He will also learn to think about his actions, making him wonder what the consequence might be. Also, if I don’t have an immediate response to a problem, I do let him know that I am thinking of a discpline action and will get back to him. Instead of lashing out in anger or disgust, thereby damaging his self-esteem and character, he worries more about the results of his actions and not that he is a “bad” person. The result is that it is connected to his actions and not himself. I do get mad when my boyfriend’s kids are here and if they don’t clean up after themselves or follow the rules of the house, then my boyfriend wants ME to say something. I think he should discipline his own children because the relationship between steps is already a fragile one. An action on the part of the bio parent doesn’t seem to be taken as an offense, but by the step, it seems to put the stepchild in defensive mode.
I think when it comes to my step children they dont like discipline from the different parent,so I use different phrases and techniquies on how I say things so I dont hurt them I am starting to learn myself on how to say a simple thing for eg to get them to do a task and to them its not such a big deal in the end,make it fun,etc,they havent come to the drinking age yet but it will come,we try the parenting controls on the computers and that seems to be working so using tacticks helps alot.
Adele,
I’ve been wanting to chime in on this one as I too believe that fear and guilt play huge roles in how we tend to overlook unfavourable behaviour in our biological children. From my experience I can offer a slightly different perpective. I found myself being fearful of conflicts that would often arise between my spouse and my children. I always expected there to be differences of opinion but my spouse would often really lose her cool if the kids offered their opinions, my kids would become sullen and try to avoid her and I would try to make peace. It was always difficult when my wife was critical of the kids’ mother in front of them. This only made them resent her. In time as my kids got older they tended to avoid my wife who became very resentful and spiteful. Eventually my wife and I separated as she wanted me to make a choice between her (and the son we had together) and my two older children. It has been a very difficult experience but I think that we have different parenting styles and its difficult to use a tough love approach when the opposite approach has worked so well.
Bernie
My husband has allowed his daughter (now 23) to get away with anything and everything without consequences or boundaries since his separation 13 years ago. Her disrespectful manipulative behaviour has got worse and worse over the years culminating in a recent event where she manipulated him into buying her a car, she crashed it and then wanted him to fix it. She has a graduate position earning £27k per year (Yes he applied for it on her behalf grr) and she still expects him to pay her phone and fund a car for her without putting one red penny aside for it herself. When he finally stood his ground and said enough is enough you need to stand on your own two feet financially she spat the dummy big time. Got so verbally abusive (foul language and threats of violence on both him and I) and still expected us to pick up the tab! (Daddy always did if she went off on one) but this time she went too far and he is finally standing his ground. I just hope he has the courage to continue to do so. Now she is off getting a guy that obviously fancies her to fix her car for free! She has turned into a nasty manipulative little witch and he may well have sentenced her to a series of unhappy relationships by not making her a more considerate and less self absorbed person. I really pity her husband/partner
Our situation is a little different. My step-daughter’s mother and my husband were never married. They never lived in a combined household. The child (11) has only ever known a two-home situation. My husband and I a more traditional/”old school” with regards to discipline, boundaries, responsibility, manners etc, and have no issues with providing that guidance. However, the mother is complete opposite – it’s all about having the child “feel good about themselves”, which entails giving them latitude to do whatever they want, say whatever they want, no direction, no boundaries etc. As a result the child is becoming more disrespectful, insolent and refuses to listen to reason. The latest being “teachers don’t know anything”!!!! It’s a very frustrating situation. Mother is impossible to deal with – completely irrational, control freak and manipulator. She also uses the legal system to make false accusations against my husband (has filed charges against him for violence, molestation etc)- although he’s been found completely no guilty of anything – we still have to go through all the pain and suffering of fighting this abuse, not to mention the financial burden it has put on us. How on earth are we supposed to deal with this?
My husband’s children came to live with us SUDDENLY. The oldest is a girl and was used to taking care of her mom and her other siblings. Grocery shopping, budgets, preparing meals, making sure kids did homework, making sure kids got to and from school, etc.. Their mother has a drug addiction and was out of it most of the time, so the kids pretty much did what they wanted to most of the time. When they came to live with us the oldest was wanting to run our home. She was not happy when she was not successful. She ignored me, talked over me, was majorly disrespectful to me, would not complete any task given to her, and lied to my husband about things I did or said to her. My husband has guilt that these children were left with a drug addict, which the courts in this country gave the children to the bio-mom. Hard to imagine but yes true. My husband did not tell the oldest to treat me with respect nor did he correct the behavior when it was right in front of him. He even would call her by my name, often. When I would ask him later about an event he would have an excuse and say next time it would be different. Next was never different. I feel like he treats her on an emotionally more intimate level than one would expect a parent to interact with a child. To me it feels like she is on wife status and it feels wrong. I have told my husband on many occassions that he must deal with the guilt and change his behavior towards her. Only then will her behavior change. This daughter also saw a psychiatrist for quite a long time. The psychiatrist told us, my husband and myself, that he needs to put the daughter down to the child level or he feard I would leave. This is without me saying a word, only by what the daughter told the psychiatrist.
To this day, years later oldest daughter still disrespects me- actually said she would like to bash me in the head with a metal candlestick holder….. repeatedly. My husband still has nothing to say to her. Weird. I would never let my child treat my spouse in this manner, not ever. The stepmother books all say to love the child as your own, to be the adult, to do things special with the child, to allow time for the child and the bioparent, to remember what the poor child has been through. Well, did all of those to the nth degree and what I have is a husband that has failed to do his part as a parent. Very sad that this household has transpired to this.
I have been wondering if my boyfriend is parenting out of guilt. My situation is different we don’t live together but have been seeing each other for a year and a half. My dilemma is he does not want me or my daughter to be around when he has his son .. Not at all. I understand he doesn’t see him as much as he would like and give them there one on one time. We are planing at some point and time to move in together and I don’t see how living what seems to be seperate lives we will ever reach that point. He says he has to change what him and his son are doing ifs and my daughter are there. It has come to the point where I am just ready to throw in the towel and would like any advice I can recieve
I’m in a relationship with a divorced man who has a 5-year-old son. I don’t have any kids of my own and have never been in a relationship with anyone with kids. This is very different for me and has been very difficult. My boyfriend has guilt about his divorce, so he feels the need to buy his son’s love and lacks disciplining him a lot of the time because he feels bad. I don’t agree with that at all and don’t understand it, which makes this very difficult for me. I’m the outsider and feel it’s not my place to say anything or discipline his son, even though my boyfriend tells me he wants me to discipline him. When I say anything about his son’s behavior, my boyfriend gets very defensive and gets mad at me. My boyfriend is constantly buying things for his son. Whatever his son wants, his son gets. If his son does something bad in school (gets a bad color), there’s not much discipline. He’ll take away a Lego or the Wii for the night, but sometimes he’ll say he’s going to do that and doesn’t do it. But if his son gets a good color, he’ll drive right to 7-11 to get him a Slurpee. Sometimes I can’t keep my feelings in and end up telling him how I feel and what worries me about how he’s raising his child, which usually causes a fight. It’s hard for me to see him give into his son all of the time. He has his son three nights a week. One week we had to drop his son off at his mother’s because we were having renovations done at home and the place was a mess. My boyfriend felt bad that he was missing one of “his” nights that he told his son he’d buy him a toy. That to me is ridiculous. And what’s more ridiculous is the fact that he bought him an $80 toy!! I have such a hard time with that. I find I dread the days we have his son and my whole mood changes when I know we’re going to have him. His son doesn’t say “hello,” “good morning,” “please,” “thank you” unless told to. I’ll say hi, good morning, etc. and he doesn’t even look at me or say anything back. He does it to everyone. He doesn’t acknowledge people when they’re talking to him. He doesn’t listen either. If you ask him something, he won’t answer. You have to ask him several times in order to get an answer from him. My boyfriend babies him. His son doesn’t get in and out of the car himself. My boyfriend will get out of the car, walk around to the other side of the car just to open the door for his son and unbuckle his seatbelt for him. So I’m stuck doing the same thing for him even though I don’t agree with it! He’s five-years-old so I’m not sure what they’re “supposed” to be doing for themselves at that age, but he’s capable of opening the car door, so I feel he should be getting in and out himself. Another thing is I feel we’re held back from doing things we want/need to do when we have his son. We like to do our food shopping on Sundays because that’s really the only day we have to do it. We find ourselves rushing around early Sunday morning trying to get it done before we get his son (at 10:30 a.m.) because if we have his son, we’ll have to hear “I want to go home. I don’t want to go to the store” the whole time. Also, we don’t go out to dinner because his son doesn’t like to eat out. He doesn’t like to eat period. If we have to go to the store for something, we usually don’t because his son won’t want to go. I feel we can’t do things because his son doesn’t want to do them. What he should say to his son is “too bad!” Life isn’t always about fun and you’re not always going to be somewhere you want to be. Deal with it. If we’re home and his son wants to play video games, we have to turn off what we’re watching so he can play. And if he’s told no, he’ll pout and talk about how sad he is because he can’t play his game, etc. until his dad gives in and lets him. It’s so frustrating. I try telling my boyfriend that he’s not doing his son any favors and he’s going to grow up and not appreciate anything. He’s going to expect everything to be handed to him. He’s creating a lazy monster. I wish it would sink in. I love my boyfriend and we talk about marriage all of the time and having a child of our own, but if we have different parenting styles, how will it ever work?