Lasting love
Adele Cornish, BSW
Last week we looked three signs of mature love in your relationship:
- Having your partner’s best interests at heart in your decision-making
- Unselfish commitment to helping your partner reach their fullest potential
- Accepting your partner for who they truly are
Today I want to explore another element of love appropriate to your relationship that is often quoted from 1 Corinthians 13v5 at weddings:
Love keeps no record of wrongs
So, we deal with the inevitable issues in our couple relationship that cause us to feel angry, hurt or rejected but choose not to hold our partner’s wrong doing against them. In other words, we let it go.
Do you agree?
Should love keep no record of wrongs? Can you experience the joy of a fulfilling relationship if you choose to keep a mental record of everything you feel your partner does wrong? Or, does this mindset steal your joy?
I’d love your feedback. Please place your response below and remember you can remain anonymous if you wish!
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
Should love keep no record of wrongs? Some wrongs may be hard to forget. But I think the more important issue here is, can you forgive those wrongs? My spouse is not perfect, but neither am I. There are going to be things that we do that the other disagrees with. My wife and I discuss issues when we disagree, and sometimes just accept it’s the other’s way of doing things. Real love is going to get you around those times. Whenever I feel my wife does something wrong, I just look at all the things she does right! I think if you choose to keep a mental record of everything you feel your partner does wrong, it’s just going to get in the way of a long term relationship. And if you dwell on it, it will be hard to forget.
I really needed to hear/read this today, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart but now I feel awful, too….. I am the worst person when it comes to keeping notes of his errors, when I have so many myself. It is so difficult blending this family, I am struggling. Thank you so much for everything you do and write!!!
I know that when you love someone you have to let things go, pick your battles of what is truly important, what i like to think are deal breakers! If you hold on to everything you will become resentful, it only causes more problems to hang on to things you do not see eye to eye on. I believe you have to accept your partner for whom they are, you can’t change people you can only be responsible for you own actions and how you choose to react to the circumstances at hand, things are not going to be perfect all the time. Also when my husband and i are having a disagreement and we are not getting our way one of us says enough, and we agree to disagree. Most of the time it is not important enough to dwell on.
I believe in any relationship you have to be flexible, and if you keep mental notes on everything that ticks you off you will become resentful. It does take the joy away to be keeping score so to speak!
I remember as a kid hearing my parents have disagreements in front of us kids, and yet at night hearing them make love. My dad always told me to never go to bed mad at your mate. In my first marriage, I had a wife that always brought up past issues which would make me shut down. They were done and buried! There was nothing as bad as infidelity or anything like that…it was just stupid disagreements. I also learned a great lesson from my mom who always taught me that to be the forgiver was a more honorable view in GODS eyes. I was always the one giving in, to keep the marriage, but that also I’ve learned that was a mistake because I looked like a whipped husband. My second wife is a wonderful woman(we have our issues too, but she loves me unconditionally as I do her.). I look forward to coming home every night to she her, even if she has had a bad day or visa versa. Katy you are my soul mate and I will love you no matter what happens! Joe
This is also a good point of reflection for me today aswell. It is very hard to not be selfish in a relationship where there are stepchildren. I have been feeling very challenged lately with feeling that I am not the “centre” of my husband’s world, and that there is a feeling of competiveness and jealousy from me towards my step-children.It is hard to balance being assurtive about my own needs and being understanding of others’ needs.The first three points that Adele has made have really resounded with me, and I need to put them into action with much prayer!
Well said. Yes your ability to be flexible will impact how well you do over time!
Thanks for such an honest response Lindy. Yes, it’s certainly easier to point the finger rather than look at our own shortcomings 🙂
I don’t think you can experience the joy of a fulfilling relationship if you choose to keep a mental record of everything you feel your partner does wrong. My spouse and her 2 teen daughters don’t fogive or forget. I grew up in a household that if you have a arguement you evenutally work through it and move on. Not for them. Things said years ago…in the heat of anger in an arguement, are always thrown back at me and my teen daughter. Things I thought we talked out an moved on from. And some of those bb’s have grown into missles over time as what factually happened gets embellished. We are still married but separated right now because of the girls. I have a dim hope we will ever be a blended family. I wish I had found this program before it was to this point…I don’t know if the program would or could help us. If I knew it would end up like this, I would have invested in this program before even becoming a blended family. Hindsight is 20/20. I keep telling mny wife if she is going hang onto everything from the past…you can’t be in the present buildng a better tomorrow…but I think it’s falling of deaf ears. Until she sees she needs to let go…I know I will not experience the joy of a fulfilling relationship.
In a perfect world, yes, but in a fallen world it doesn’t happen. I think we need to seek more tolerance and patience and understand where the other spouse is coming from. And also taking time out helps. My wife and I have a saying ” We love each other – no matter what ” ….seems to work …..
All the previous comments are very assertive and make you realize that as human beings we are not too much different from each other. I have a wonderful husband and for the last 17 years, we have been accepting each just as we are with wonderful strong qualities and many weaknesses and finding common ground in each situation.
It’s sometimes hard to forget when I feel my husband has done the wrong thing or “wronged me”. I have learned to remember that we are all flawed creatures, neither of us is perfect, and he’s probably got just as much he could hold against me! I choose to (try to) let it go. Sometimes I’m better at it than others… whatever happens though, we can’t move forward unless the words “I’m sorry” and “I love you” are spoken.
i can identify with Dianna’s comments !
My wife keeps bringing up the past, my faults etc; so get stuck and our two families do not blend at all…..Then inevitably i start to think the marriage was a big mistake. I am left feeling very sad and in limbo.however in the hard reality of life if one decides to be uncharitable the consequences are dire .
I agree with just about everything stated, I too must be HONEST in that I tend to hold the wrongs up to the light for a longer time than necessary and in doing so I find it hard to trust that the “wrong” won’t happen or happen as frequently. However, when I “trust” over and over and the wrong (be it the same or something different) occurs, I go back to that place of holding it up again, not so much to NOT let it go, but to let them see why I can’t or am having a truly difficult time doing so. When someone does a wrong, admits it and TRIES not to do it again, I find it so much easier to forgive and let it go. It’s when they do wrong, lie or deny, then do something else lie and deny….it makes it almost impossible to let it go, when IT seems to be the wrongdoer’s motivation. Not looking bad or denying the wrongdoing. Sorry, I have had to suck it up on too many occasions, apologize (even when I don’t feel I was solely the wrongdoer) but to keep peace and try to move on…..I humble out and try to keep the peace. When you are dealing with someone who never wants to look bad or denies wrongdoing it leaves a bitterroot in both your heart and head.
I agree with that statement, alhough very hard to do sometimes It is the way to be. How can you ever move forward if you are always looking back and taking count. We should always remember to take responsibility for our own feelings. When we get hurt by something said we should remember not to pick up that offense. Another thing is we think that just because we forgive we are saying what they did was OK. This is not true whether we it was actually right or wrong doesn’t matter what is more important is that we forgive and throw it away and start fresh. After all we would want the same treatment if we messed up right?
LEOV,
Sally
This topic on “keeping no record of wrongs” really hits home for me. I can honestly say that in my past relationships and my last marriage, although the other person had their faults and contribution to the dissolving of those relationships, I can totally see how my own inability at the time to “let go” of hurts and wrongdoings HELD ME BACK from really loving or maturing with that person. I think as a couple we rob ourselves of a deeper kind of love and bond when we keep track of each other’s faults and hurt against us. I think it’s important to talk about those feelings of anger and hurt and find some peace and resolution in them. Once that is done, “let go” I look at it in the same light where Jesus said, “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive and cleanse us of all unrighteousness.” I know it’s easy to quote this scripture and much harder to practise it, however I strive to be that same forgiving person. I was once told that forgiveness is NOT forgetting, but it’s letting yourself be ‘releasd’ from the other persons’ wrongdoings against you. I think if we can strive for this, we can really learn to see the goodness in that person and grow in a loving way. thank you for this great reminder!
Awesome response RV!!
Evening all,
Hanging on to past hurts definatly robs you of your joy. What starts out as a disagreement or misunderstanding if left unattended can infact grow and fester and become like poison growing inside you.
If we arn’t careful after time our pain and hurt can become so big that it clouds the way we see things. Some signs and symptoms to look out for are bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness and depression and these are just a few. If we find ourselves at this stage then we may just need some professional help.
We are to walk in fogiviness but that doesn’t mean we are to be door mats. If an offence has been commited against us which falls into domestic violence or a criminal act then we need to speak out. However we are to still walk in forgiviness and I know from personal experience that this is quite challenging but needs to be done in order for us to be free.
Thankfully as a Christian I know the power of God’s loving forgiviness and therefore I know that I must forgive those who I feel have hurt me.
i also point the finger at my husband and bring up past things after i have done it i feel bad about it but i continue to do it. we have alot of problems with his daughter’s mother who he was with for 3 months she got pregnant to try an trap him but it didnt work now tha i am in the picture she shows her true self i worry about our future
you cannot keep count of the wrongs it will destroy anything the relationship has. Each day needs to started new or if the “wrong” is big enough you need to talk it out. All easy to say but hard to do especially when it has to do with each others children and how to parent them, the main problem we have issues with in our blended family like all others it seems.
It totally steals your joy. I struggle daily to let go of hurts that my husband says to me in regards to mine or his children. Because it’s built up there now is NO joy between us and makes it so hard to let down the walls and rebuild. What is the secret because I’ve lost perspective on the whole relationship because of this very thing.
I wish I could say I always forget but sometimes it can be hard, Do I forgive always because I love my husband and I do want him to be happy. I guess we are always learning and the older I get the better I am becoming at not always looking back keeping score of old hurts and resentments also I am coming realise by letting it go it releases all those built up angry feelings and is allowing me to be happy in the now and more hopeful for the future. We both have our moments and it’s recognising that we are only human and allowing that we can’t be perfect and happy all the time, that’s just not real.Sometimes after one of us have been unreasonable one will say to the other I’m sorry I’m being grumpy and then being able to tell each other what’s really going on knowing that it’s safe because you will be listened to and actually heard and that it will not be thrown back in your face or have old stuff brought out to be hashed over yet again. I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks unfortunately I had to go through all the negative old learnt childhood behaviour in my first marriage to realise this. I’m definately more fogiving in this marriage and having both biological and step children in this family these lessons are a plus we would be up the creek without it.
Definitely resentment can rob your joy.. It can also escalate out of control. My ex husband and I have been divorced for 3 months.. although during this time we have discussed trying to reconcile.. I recently got joint custody of my 12 yr.old daughter. Her bio father had temporary custody, because of the domestic disputes between myself and ex husband. Most of the disputes were over my daughter.. I felt like my heart was completely torn down the middle. I have let so much resentment build up through all this, it will take a long time before I can think about reconciling..I do believe God wants me to reconcile with my ex husband, and he has done some miraculous things already. But if there isn’t complete forgiveness and restoration, there is no way to move forward.
I agree letting go and moving on is HARD. I love my husband and as CS said at the beginning, we need to remember the good to forget the bad. Unfortunately for me that’s hard and I pray everyday for Gods grace to help me overlook the wrongs. I’m always the forgiving one, overlooking the wrongs, the angry words. To move on and to have a peaceful enviroment for my daughter I’m the good wife. I struggle to forget the wrongs as my husband doesn’t use the words “I’m sorry” very often, in fact his entire family is that way. God has helped me move on and forgive…till the next wrong then I have to fight not to remember…We can all but depend on God to help us and guide us each day to be strong and to forgive AND forget!…Imagine if He didn’t forgive us our sins??
No, score counting is counterproductive…no a sign of looking for a scapegoat when it goes pear shape. Instead of point scoring, people should grow up deal with the actual issue, and then move forward together in a positive way. If you have to keep score, then you need to take a good long look at yourself and your role in your first marriage breakdown….as it will likely be the cause of this one.
I can say I am really bad about holding on to my husbands wrong doings, things that had really upset me. Alot of times I have never gotten an apology from him. I can forgive my husband for wrong doings to me but when it comes to my kids is when I have a hard time forgetting. But that comes from him getting after my kids when his are not perfect either and he never gets after them. So I hold that grudge that I need to release because it will never change.
I beleive apologies would help, but I know I should apology more often to. I am not perfect either.
I have a very tough time trying to balance my marriage, I have a child of my own who’s a 9 yr old boy and my wife has 2 which are 11 (boy) and a 9 yr old girl. I feel she puts her kids way before me. I see it on a day to day basis but she tells me I am crazy. So I dish the same treatment back and we end up nowhere. Since I only have one child I find it impossible to do anything one on one with him, her kids get so jealous but yet when there mother does stuff with them there is never a complaint from my son.My stepchildren have no respect for adults and talk back a lot. so when I confront them she always jumps in and defends them. Oh ya I can be the guy who takes them here or there to have fun but if they step out of line, mother hen always comes to the rescue. When it’s my child I let her discipline him…. Very lost.. Frustrated and don’t know what to do…?
I currently am in a situation that a path was chosen by both that took us away from eachother. Myself caught in the roll of provider and took that roll wanting to be able to give all to my family. My spouse to raise our blended family. Now the resentment threatens to tear us apart even though after realizing I was wrong in my attempt at realizing a goal, even with the best of intentions this is dependant on forgiveness for an honest mistake and wanting to provide from home forever moving forward. It truly is in God’s hands now I am afraid.
JJ
I am in the same situation. My husband disciplines my son a lot, sometimes just to much when it isnt anything to be upset about. But I get into trouble if I say what his girls do wrong and they should not do. There is alot of unfair things that go on that we can not even be a family. I have rules for my kids and his girls don’t have any, he is afraid to give them any. I am not aloud to say anything when it comes to disciplining them. Unfortunatly my son ended up going to live with his dad, and I sadly blame my husband for part of it. My son at 8 knew how unfair things were. I don’t know how to fix it, because if I bring anything up my husband gets mad at me and thinks I make a big deal out of it.
Adele,
My husband has used name calling, physical intimidation, and made me feel terrible in order to shut me down. I have been told to defer to him, that he knows best, that his kids will never love me, and made me feel like I could never love him enough to make him feel secure when I have moved moutains to be there for him and the kids. I was left out in the cold on more than one occasion because they were waiting on him; and told that I should not be so selfish for wanting to work out our issues before he left to go spend a weekend with them. I married a man that decided how the kids and I would interact; in order to protect us from each other??. He has excluded my parents who want nothing more than to give to his children. I can go on as to the things that have created resentment between us. How do you let that go – and should you? I can forgive him, but forgetting that is extremely challenging. We have gone through separation, and are trying to work things out with a counselor…but I am afraid that I cannot move past what has happened in order to open up and potentially have children with him. Any suggestions on how I let go of all of that and more?
hi Adele
I have just done an amazing weekend program called the Landmark Forum. In it I discovered just how much I had been mentally criticising my partner and realised that this is exactly what I did to my ex. I was able to give it up completely for a whole day. It has not been so easy since then but at least I can see it much more clearly and apologise more quickly and get on with being loving. We are all much happier in this kind of environment. I can really realte to a lot of the commnets others have left on the blog.
Speaking of wrongs. Wondering if anyone has any suggestions to this problem. Between my husband and I we have 12 children. One of the adult children has had a emotionally difficult last 2-4 years during college and now since gradution. She has chosen to take her anger and hurts out on myself and my husband and been decisive in trying to get other siblings to dislike my husband and claim him to be not a good husband or father. A huge arguement happened on Easter and she has not had any contact with use until recently when she apologized to me but state she did not want a relationship with my husband but wanted to work on our relationship. Now the holidays are coming and my husband says absolutely no to having her at our home with the family for the holiday. I am very confused. He says if I bring her he will leave and if I don’t stay with our family (the young ones left at home) it will be a major mistake for our relationship.
Anyone have any ideas? How many time do we forgive and move on.
Adele HELP!
We are a blended family of 5yrs now. I have two boys and my partner has 1 boy & 1 girl. We are facing a particularly tough time at the moment which has been brewing for sometime now fueled by different causes. We are about to go our separate ways yet have such a lot of love to give each other and our kids. One problem I need help with is dinner time due to my sons not being big on trying new foods whereas my partners children are fantastic eaters which I would hazard a guess is not the norm? My eldest son (10) is a very slow eater and hates veges but is made to eat them which is why it takes so long to finish. We have tried everything to get him to eat quicker and for the two of them to try different food. They are certainly not unhealthy and are active boys. My partner tells me again tonight that I have two unusual kids when it comes to their eating habits. I feel I am at my 10yr old constantly over this (not good for him long term nor our father son relationship) which then leads to my partner & I having an argument because she is sick and tired of listening to this every night. I got to the point sometime ago where it was easier to back off my sons and just let them eat what was put in front of them and if it takes 30-40mins then so be it. Don’t eat it, no desert. Very frustrated and sick of the bribes, timer etc. Any advice would be appreciated PRONTO.
Holding on to wrongs is toxic in any relationship let alone a romantic partnership. It creates resentment and despair. I try my very best not to bring up past wrongs that my partner has done, as I am not perfect myself. But what do you do when your partner continually makes the same mistakes, over and over again? It is very difficult to keep forgiving and “letting go” time and time again. It becomes tiring, disappointing and plain old repetitive. I feel myself becoming angrier and angrier trying very hard to mask it. And what is worse is when you try to bring it up to talk about it and somehow the conversation is turned around on you, making you feel like the bad guy. My partner has a son, who is very young. I feel sometimes “jealous” not over the son, but over the sharing of attention that he gives to not only his son but to the mother of his son. I hate that he complies so much. I hate that she is in the picture because she’s rude and does not care about anyone. Although I love him, I question if I am capable of doing this…
Real love doesn’t keep score and thinks no evil. The Greek word translated thinks no evil is an accounting term that means to count up, to take account of as in a ledger or notebook. The evils referred to are the wrongs or hurts received at the hand of others. The love that thinks no evil is a love that wont keep records of unkindness, hold bitter grudges or allow longstanding resentments against others with the intent of someday getting even, even when the wrongs done against us are real. When we keep track of wrongs with the intent of making others pay, we ourselves pay more than we can afford.
We start off reading in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 4 Love is patient; love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited; 5 does not act improperly; is not selfish; is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrongs; 6 finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends. This is a pure, selfless, giving, forgiving kind of love that focuses on the other person. This is truly a Godly Love.