Keeping the Peace
Adele Cornish, BSW
Last week I posed the question, “When others in your blended family are really frustrating you, are you better off keeping the peace by not saying anything?”
Here’s a response I received:
“If I speak with my husband about how I feel and see things we invariably end up arguing. I’m told I am being negative etc when in fact I believe I am being objective. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to keep the peace and let my husband do what he wants to with his children REGARDLESS of how insecure or worried I feel about what he does. I realize that when my husband gets hurt I just have to say nothing and be the shoulder to cry on. It feels better to say what I feel and seems so logical to me but ultimately it is destructive for our relationship. I have to learn how to deal with the emotions I have and let my husband do what he wants to do!”
What are your thoughts on this? Is communicating your feelings destructive in your relationship?
How can or do you share your perspective in a way that’s not destructive? In other words, how do you share your thoughts in a way that ‘keeps the peace’?
I’d love your feedback! Please respond below.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. Blending can be a lonely experience so it’s great to support and encourage each other. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.
p.p.s. You can read the rest of last week’s tip by clicking here
You should speak your opinion with white kitten gloves. A father/mother will most likely always side with their point of view when it comes to their children. If you try to add your opinion it will turn into a fight because they are not your children. It’s nit that he doesn’t respect your opinion, it’s more like he knows his children better than you and maybe isn’t interested in your thoughts. They may be too harsh to him.
I feel that I have been very honest with my husband. He does not discipline his children, there are no consequences in our house. My opinion is that I pay for half of the house, that should give me some right to have a say in house rules (i.e. no drugs, alcohol or candles) and to determine what the consequence is (or that there even is one) when rules are broken. Originally this came from concern and wanting to make sure his kids, who have a Mother who is battling addiction, get the help they need if they do have problems, but now I feel such resentment and insecurity after finding drugs on and off for the past year as well as other issues, that my frustration is all that comes through…
So, this is a long comment, but from my perspective, take some time, know the true intention of your comment before you speak, and try to pose everything in the best light for everyone. If it is just to vent frustrations, it is best to keep to yourself.
I agree with keeping the peace. I have come to understand that there were things that happened before I came into the family that created bonds between my spouse and his children. Some spouses, like mine, were the “protectors” of their children because the former spouse was abusive. Those bonds are especially close. Anything that can remotely be seen as criticism will be seen as such, and then you are on the outside and they are on the inside with the children – protecting them, as they see it. It doesn’t matter how old the children are. In my case, they are all adults. It may take years for trust to be developed in the relationship. We can’t force things in some instances. We just have to be patient.
I have finally, in our last battle, told my partner that he is now responsible for what his child does and doesn’t do. This includes chores that his teenager has been assigned as well as minor things that he has been tasked. He still has not bothered to do anything he’s been asked to do (would rather stay at a friend’s place or his mom’s to avoid chores), but instead of me doing it I have left the owness up to his dad, who has promised he would inforce this. Now his father, my Partner, is seeing what I have had to do to tidy up after his own son, while seeing what i actually enforce my own children to keep up and since my partner has had to keep up his son’s chores on top of what he has to deal with in his work day I think it’s finally kicking in that everyone has their part in making things work and if this is going to work between us this is something he needs to deal with. It’s still a work in progress but in this case I think that since I have told my partner that I will stay out of it and this is his deal, his child might understand it more if it came from his father’s frustration instead of mine.
I think a good marriage requires we share our honest feelings with our spouse. But we need to respect that these thoughts are OURS. Own them, rather than blaming the other person for them. Likewise, we need to be able to hear our spouses thoughts when they share them with us. Many times my spouse and I don’t agree when it comes to my step kids. But if I don’t share my thoughts and feelings, then they just continue to build to a flashpoint. And if she doesn’t share her thoughts and feelings with me, I am not able to support her when a need for discipline or a decision arises.
I am in the other situation, where my my wife does not agree with the way I parent my bio children, and has expressed her dissatisfaction that if our parenting styles are not consistent, then she does not want to be a part of any of it.
This is frustrating to me, in that I believe that I am the best person to know and parent my children, and want the respect to do just that, with suggestions, but not criticism. I do not interfere with her parenting of her children, and would like the same in return.
In another example, my daughter and wife had a “falling out” some years ago, where my daughter refuses to be anywhere that my wife may be, and requires “exclusive” time with just me, excluding my wife.
This is extremely hard, because I want my daughter (now 18) to be a part of the blended family, even if it is only a visit or two from time to time when my wife is there. She however refuses to do this, and my wife has now stated that I must not have any visit with my daughter if she is not also welcomed.
My wife cites the article that I need to ‘have the backbone’ to demand that my daughter grow up and get past things.
What is the right answer here?
Great Trish! I’d love to hear an update on how it goes over the next couple of months.
depends on the situation with the kids. If he is only gets them on visits, then there is one very important thing to remember…that the kids have a more consistent and dominant parent other than your poor husband, and its upsetting enough for him to see how they are without you having to be selfish enough to add salt to his upset. He is not a twit, so don’t treat him like one. You may be right in your observations re the kids, but you are being negative in that what you are saying is rubbing salt into a wound that he cant fix (ie what the other parent does) so of course its destructive to your relationship. Kindness instead of stating the obvious would go a long way. However, if the kids live with you and you have tried to talk and it has fallen on deaf ears, then keep your relationship with him as a husband separate and intimate, and interact with his children on your terms when they are in your care, and on his terms when he is home, and anything negative that happens under his parenting is his responsibility..as discipline is as the bio parent. If he doesn’t insist on respect towards you, then that would lead to deeper questions i would think.
My partner & I have agreed to always express how we’re feeling about a situation so that negative feelings or resentments do not build up. It’s so important we have a strong bond in order to parent as a blended family & be able to cope with situations when it arrives. This is always done with love & we try to understand where each other is coming from so when the other person is expressing how they feel the other person listens. We find this creates an opportunity to discuss our relationship, re-evalue if we’re on the right path & how we can support each other particularly in parenting jointly our lovely 4 children. Blending is a rocky road but delightful journey of twists & turns & ups & downs, laughter & tears but most of all a loving blended family unit when it’s all working.
When I read the response from last week, I could have been me that wrote that. It is exactly how I feel. If I open my mouth about my step children, we always argue so I “TRY” to keep quiet. It is not healthy for our relationship at all. It is a catch 22. If I share my feelings, it is destructive to our relationship but if I don’t share my feelings it is also destructive to our relationship as it causes a lot of resentment. My partner openly says what he likes about my children and I am fine with that however when the shoe is on the other foot, it is a different story. After 11 years together, I still don’t know if we will survive. Keeping the peace is not the answer. My partner needs to stop been so over protective of his children!
In the past I have spoken openly about my opinions towards the behavior of my husbands children. Sometimes we are agreeing with each other but then most times I am the only one voicing what I think we both should be on the same page about but because it’s his children & even though they are misbehaving he still loves them unconditionally & by hearing me say such things about them turns his anger towards me. I built up so much resentment towards him & his children & even the mother of the children in my case. I also felt as if I took on all this burden from that I was so unappreciated & always fighting for myself to be heard that I just caused more dramas in our home with my marriage & our blended family. Then finally a wise friend of mine that I wish I opened up to alot earlier then maybe I wouldn’t have let things get so bad for me… I was told that all I had to do was worry about my husband, our son & myself. Anyone out side of our circle doesn’t matter. So the relationship with my husband & his son, daughter, ex etc they were none of my concerns they are actually his. Understanding this really helped me to find peace & now when I know the children are doing something not right & even though my husband & I have already spoken about what’s exceptable & what’s not I’m not going to say anything but keep loving him. At the end of the day my marriage is the stable haven for my husband to lean on where he knows he can trust me & I’ll always be here for him in everyway. So when his children decide they are upset at him for what ever reason & when they grow up & move on with thier own life I will be here.
All our friends who are in mixed family situations go through extremely similar experiences like this. There is some consulation in that there are many families going through exactly the same thing and so you can be sure that it’s not just you. The above case sounds very familiar.
In our experience I think we naively had some sort of ‘Brady Bunch’ notion in mind when we first brought our children together. In our case it didn’t work. While both of us were consistent in parenting style (and I think it’s a big plus if you are)my ex wife provided a much softer option so it’s been like parenting on quick sand or standing in the tide – you feel you’re making process only to be constantly being eroded or undermined and my daughter chose to live with her Mother. In my case I tried to keep things low key and chose not to get a lawyer involved to set in stone custody arrangements. I now deeply regret not doing this and wish I had got past my perception that the ‘the only ones who benefit from divorce are lawyers’ when in fact with the right one and if at all possible with a non combatant approach may have ‘set the boundaries’ of the parenting arrangement between the to sets of parents thereby creating a strong foundation on which to parent and build.
We both tiptoe around issues such each others parenting style with issues like: Are the children being treated equally, If you criticize mine then the tendency ids to say well your’s are far from perfect to and so on. It’s like parenting in a mine field and we are both mainly on the same page and quite close. All three Children have actively tried to break our relationship and it’s been really hard at times. Now 7 years later we are starting to make some progress SLOWLY and it is alway 2 steps forward one step back. Someone commented recently ‘that biggest problem mixed faimily parents have is unrealistic expectations’they walk into mixed families thinking we can handle it. Most don’t know what they’ve signed up for. The Children are not blood relations and even at a primate level we can unconciously resist I think in our monkey minds what we percieve as foriegn DNA?
If we all knew this stuff at the start we probably all would do things differently.
Personally I find the only way I can handle it is through forgiveness. There have been times when her kids have said ‘I hate you I wish you’d just go’ to me. Naturally that hurt but I said back to them (eventually) ‘you may not like me but I will always be there to support you and be there for you whenever I can’ I found that hate was destroying me and my partner and that only acting out of love started to heal things. We both still get it wrong regularly but I think the answer is to let go of your hurt pride, anger or frustration and just act from your highest self. It’s good to practise at least.
But you know in a generation from now I think they will look back at this generation and say WOW I’m not going there. The real truth is that if we’d all heard about how divorce and mixed families can turn out most of us would be VERY careful about who we originally married in the first place. What needs to happen is this information – our collective experience needs to benefit the next generation so they learn from our mistakes. It’s almost like you need to qualify for marraige only after doing in depth compatibility exams. Maybe that’s the answer?
I have given up trying to mend fences with my stepsons mother who is constantly pinning her child against my husband and I. We have not seen him since May because she cannot seem to grow up and allow us to be a part of his life. We are constantly excluded from activities and are not supposed to “parent” the child when he comes to our house. This I find to be ridiculous, as someone needs to parent this child. He would rather stay at his moms house where there are no rules and he can play and get bad grades with no consequences. I hate to say it but I see the penal system playing a role in this child’s future…
Awesome response Mark!
I can relate to the woman’s concerns. Like the majority of biological parents, myself included, they are sensitive and defensive when they hear anything negative about their children. What I found to be effective is asking my wife’s questions regarding her actions or lack of action thereof and how it will affect their child in the future. I’ve been able to use that successfully. With that said, however, I believe there are some issues she should be willing to fall on her sword for, for example, drug usage, and anything else where a child’s health or safety is at risk. I believe it’s okay to allow her husband to do what he wants to do with his children and let him learn through the school of hard knocks as long as her boundaries are being protected.
Gerardo
I have sadly just separated from my wife of almost nine years after she kicked me out of the family home mostly due to our disagreements on how to manage an unruly teenager (her son) who pressed every button I possessed. We constantly disagreed over how best to manage him and he treated me with massive disrespect. I was told that because reacted badly towards him I had lost all credibility, some in my immediate family they thought he had an agenda to come between me and my wife (I’m unsure of that myself), but I went into this blended family totally raw and with few parenting skills, out was a toug ah call to keep us affect together in such a situation especially when depression & drugs on the teens side
I found introducing the subject of concern via others opinions on this web site has been very effective. We struggled for years with different opinions on how and when to discipline and what if any consequences should/could be enforced. When he was made aware that others had the same problems and how they dealt with it our discussions were more grounded. Unfortunately he still found it hard to put consequences in place and ultimately he and his daughter fall out but it did help us as a couple.
I am having a hard time in this area, because my son who is 18 lives with us; and he is your typical 18 year old who thinks he knows everything. My husband has never raised his kids so I feel like I am the one always stuck in the middle, and if I say anything; then my husband thinks I am siding with my son. It is to the point that I don’t know if it is really worth it.
Good morning,
Love your site.
If I had marry into a blending family all over again, I wouldn’t! Blended families are very diffucult to manage, particularly, if the parent’s parental structure completely clashes with yours. I deal with an ex-wife who lives in La La Land, and believes all the nonesence she thinks and I am the opposite.
The children whom two are already adults, have no concept of resposibility or struture, their mother does everything for them and thus, they go to my house and my husband who is in denial basically does the same thing.
There is no fixing this situation, the only way I have been able to survive is by keeping my distance as much as possible while they are visiting. I keep busy out of the house, until hopefully, they become indenpendent, which if their mother continues dobbiding them, it would be NEVER.
I am an educated person, I have tried everything possible to accept this situation, but there are too many variables, this is intolerable to accept for long periods of time. The only way I will be able to enjoy them is when they become independent and living on their own.
Sorry if I sound negative, but I would be lying otherwise.
I have been able to keep my marriage, by staying quiet, because regardless of what you say, if the kid’s mother is an idiot,things will remain as such.
🙁
Blended families
I do not agree with the way my wife disciplines her kids. When I try to intervene, either directly when she is with them, or afterwards, I am generally ignored. So I have learned to just shut up and not worry about it. I want to help her raise her kids, but they are very protective of each other, regardless of the situation. I juzt figure it’s one less thing I have to worry about.
Maybe I am just not a nice person! I have been telling my husband my opinion about his daughter since shortly after we married. We have her 24/7 (her mom abandoned her) so maybe that makes a difference. For 7 years I have told him that some of her behaviors are not normal and he would respond “not everyone is as perfect as you and your little sisters, SHE is normal, YOUR family is not”. I would speak my mind, we would go two days without talking, and then things would be back to normal. After 7 years of this and her behavior getting worse and worse…he now agrees with me that she has an attachment disorder from being abandoned and is finally going to get her the help she needs. So then he got to hear how I resent him for letting our family deal with this stress for this long when he could have gotten her help years ago…we are now talking again 🙂
I have to say I feel the same way. I feel that my feelings are totally ignored, and that It would be best just to be quiet about issues etc all together.However my role in my blended family differs because I cannnot have an active role in my step daughters life via her mother.Even if my husband has 50/50 custody, to him its easier for”US” to attend functions etc.My husbands reluctance to include me because its simply easier angers me, and makes me feel completely isolated, since he is completely included in my bio daughters life.For instance,I drop off the kids and pick them up from school.However the bio mom was unaware of this.Her being transfered to a public school I asked my husband to inform the school and mom I would be doing so.This was like pulling teeth, when to me it shouldnt be.Its a very hard situation on my part, especially when I have friends whom seem to have it all figured out when blending.Bio mom and dads, step parents all attend school functions etc.
I also understand your feelings completely Thankful AKI.
I know enough about myself that if I do not speak up about something that is bothering me, then I will build up resentment. Eventually I will bring it up, and it’s best if I can discuss the issue before I make it bigger (in my head) than it truly is.
The key, however, is for me to have a positive calm approach. Sometimes I need to wait to discuss something until I can bring it up non-judgementally. I’m learning to wait (usually overnight) before speaking with my husband about a concern. And I must be very careful about how I say it, so that he doesn’t feel judged or criticized!
My daughter before she left for college she did not tell me but she left my husband this letter.
He is her step dad and I found it and am heartbroken. My husband has never made mention of it and there is no real commmunication.
Ever since this letter I feel consumed with guilt that I have stayed with this man and I thought I was able to hide things from my kids which you can’t really do…I never in a million years thought I would be that person that married someone my kids don’t like.
We have been through a lot over the years good and bad. We have become close and I am very thankful for that. I will never forget all the good times we’ve had and I will never forget the day you and mom got married, I can’t tell you how happy I was. I am writing you this letter to tell you how much I will miss you and mom. I do worry though I just want both of you to be happy I know times are hard right now with you not having your job, but mom and I have been here for you and I need you to see that. We have bent over backwards for you and I still look up to you George I always will. Your a great man , but with all my mom has been through rasing two kids alone and having both her parents pass away at an early age she deserves to be happy. I dont know what I would do without my mother or father. So I actually see how strong my mom is. I know you dont get along with your parents but at least they are alive and well and they want whats best for you , and if you need anything you know they are there. I just want to beable to leave and not have to worry about my mom , she has done so much for me and I am also very thankful for that. Alls I am asking is for you to change not who you are but how you treat mom. I know you can be mean a lot and pick out all the negative things she does, but I need to see less of that and I want to see more good times. Mom has given up a lot of thing for you for example her house that was beautiful all to be with you, and we both know she deserves nothing but the best. I love you George, I am not writing this letter to hurt you I am writing it to tell you how I see things. If you don’t change I believe I can influence moms decision in staying here. If you two can’t be happy together than there is no point, I want things to work out for the both of you. I dont doubt you both dont love eachother but sometimes love isnt enough. I absolutely hate seeing mom upset and it is starting to bother me, now I am not blaming it all on you I am just trying to tell you how I feel and what could possibly happen if things dont change. The last thing I want to see is you or mom heart broken you’ve have both been down that road before its not easy or worth it. So with that said I hope when I leave you two have the chance to turn things around, I feel time is running out but I hope I’m wrong. You have done a lot for me over the years and I know you are there for me and I love you for that, I just hope we can all fix this cause were in a little bit of a mess, maybe this will make us stronger. George I know mom loves you with all her heart but I will not sit and watch her stuggle or live unhappy. I have watched her stuggle as we were growing up but I have never watched her give up. She has done her best for my brother and I and I cant thank her enough. I never gave up on mom and I won’t give up on you yet, but if I have to for my mom to be happy I will. I really am going to miss you George, and I wish you all the luck with getting your job back even though you and I haven’t talked much about it. I still look at you the same, its life things happen and it could be worse. But always rememeber who stuck by your side and thank them for that.
Although it may seem (past experiences) that it iS better to just sit back, watch an be supportive, this actually creates resentment that will build up over time, which will ultimately be destructive… It is important to let your husband know that you are not being critical, but you are just expressing your thoughts/feelings. BTW, who’s thoughts/feelings ever hurt anyone? Nobody, unless THEY allow themselves to be hurt! Communication is very important in a relationship and family and if you allow yourselves to cut that off in fear of the other getting upset or hurt, you’re really just setting the stage for disaster to occur! Keep speaking your mind, and let him know that this is all you’re doing, and I hope your relationships continue to grow!
I have found I must keep the peace in the house without saying anything. This only took me 4 years to figure out and my husbands older daughters to already hate me. My husband and I have two different rules in our house for our kids. Actually his have no rules and I have rules for my kids. If I ever voiced my opinion he would get mad at me but he always voiced opinion about my kids and even yell at them, but I can not do that to his. So anymore I just let him parent his and just ignore whatever they do. I know they lie to him alot and sneaky but he only sees they are perfect. The only problem is we have girls about the same age with two different rules. This can make it really difficult.
WOW! This email really hits home today. My step-daughter is doing things that are totally inappropriate for her age, and when I try to discuss these things with my husband, he ends up fighting with me for days. I’ve always been an open person, so it will take a lot of effort to hide the way I feel and keep quiet. But I agree with the responder, if I want a happy marriage, I have to say nothing.
This is a topic that affects us all, no matter which side of the fence we are on. When we get angry we have to realize that all anger stems from fear. Fear that our spouse puts the kids over us, fear that he loves them more, fear that he will be angry if we speak our minds. Personally when I have an issue with something regarding my husband’s children, I take some time alone to think about where my feelings are coming from. Once I have a clear perspective and have calmed down I will speak to him in private and explain my concerns and/or feelings about the situation. What he does with that information is up to him, but at least I don’t keep it all bottled up inside of me. We can only be responsible for ourselves. I think when the kids disrespect anyone including step parents it’s unacceptable. The bio parent needs to realize that they wouldn’t accept the disrespectful behavior with strangers or other people, so why should it be tolerated with you. Your relationship with your spouse needs to be united and strong as “parents”, not as friends to the kids. It’s easy to fall into the friendship trap with kids you only see a few times a month. You always want that time to be picture perfect and it rarely is. When all is said and done your spouse will be who you have to spend your life with. The kids will grow up, leave and get families and lives of their own. Protect your marriage and parent your children. Disrespectful behavior is unacceptable, period. In our society disrespect has gone by the wayside. Treat others like you would want to be treated isn’t even brought up anymore. It’s all about tip-toeing around the kids so they feel safe. This world is not going to tip-toe around them and if you don’t at least try to equip them with basic common courtesy tools when they are under your care, they won’t do it when they are over 18. Parenting sometimes makes you the bad guy at the time, but will have it’s rewards as you watch your children become adults. If they refuse to visit because of your spouse, let them be. That’s just a control thing. Control is an illusion and once you realize that with-holding visits and their affection is temporary you will stand strong. Always communicate your feelings to your spouse, just do so always coming from a place of love in your heart. It’s hard to do when you feel disrespected, but you can’t control that, you can only control yourself. I say speak up, not in front of the kids, come to agreements even if baby-steps and make a pact to stick to them. Kids need boundaries. They need all their “parents” to parent them, that’s how they learn to be good people. And it keeps your spouse feeling valued and respected also.
As a stepmother, I identify with much of what has been written here. I, too, share the frustrations of “co-parenting” with a spouse who has frequently seemed reticent to lay down rules and boundaries for his two sons. In our relationship, discussing rules or the need for them, has almost always backfired; I end up feeling like I am the “cruel” or “mean one” and I find myself inevitably on the outside of a threesome (my husband and his two kids against me.)
How has our marriage survived? I think mostly because my husband got a job in a different state and we moved away from the weekly routine of the blended family. My husband returns frequently to the state where his kids live to see them, but I am not part of these visits. How do I feel about this? Relieved in a sense, but also sad, guilty that I “escaped,” and at times isolated and anxious because of the situation.
When I’m battling these feelings, I try to live by both the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference…) as well as trying day-to-day to live as my best self. This includes acting with love even when I don’t exactly feel loving.
To be honest, I know that I’m guilty of entertaining the fantasy that “this will all be over when the kids grow up.” Unfortunately, I don’t think blending ever ends. The wisdom of the comment above regarding narrowing your focus to your circles of love, makes great sense. But I’m also aware that it can have its pitfalls if those circles become exclusionary due to bitterness, hurt, insecurity, jealousy or hatred.
We’ve all signed up for a long marathon; at least it’s nice to know that we’re not alone. Here’s hoping that we all end up winners on the finish line!
Great response, Mark, and Gerardo and others on drug usage. It’s illegal. Just like a cop, you should have zero tolerance for anything illegal going on under your roof.
I find part of the question itself interesting and telling: “Is communicating your feelings destructive in your relationship?” Communicating your feelings is the very definition of a relationship! You can read Relationships 101 and that is at the very center. If you can’t communicate your feelings, you don’t have a relationship, you have a live-in-the-same-placeship. I think blending families is a nightmare, honestly. The kids can be handled, but the other spouses cannot be, nor can their influence be. I think you have to create a safe zone (as others mentioned) and model a really positive, loving relationship for the kids, set powerful boundaries, “In this house we don’t make fun of people who eat vegetables, we actually eat them because McDonald’s is very bad for you and will make you unhealthy and overweight.” The truth is a good starting point for where to draw the lines. I no longer shy away from saying, “That is how it is done at your mother’s house, and that is fine. You are in our house now and you know how we do it here.” End of story. Kids need to feel safe and rules and boundaries and consistency give them that sense that someone is actually running things. You can hope that by growing up and seeing these two sometimes very different households, they can someday choose the more positive, constructive and healthy lifestyle.
I hope that my 2nd husband and I are providing such a great role model for couplehood to all 5 of our children that someday they can strive to find what we have, and to interact with their spouse as we do toward each other. If we accomplish that, then maybe they will have good marriages of their own and not end up in yet another blended family situation. But…if they do, we have also shown a way to make it work and to survive it!
My common law partner is extremely defensive whenever I bring up problems with his child. He does not believe in giving his child responsibilities, chores, discipline or consequences and lets his child pretty much run him by the nose and spoils him rotten. It drives me nuts and it is not the way I would want to raise a child but I have learned that it is fruitless to keep trying to change anything. It only frustrates me and makes me resentful to them both. If my spouse’s parenting results in problems with his son later, he will have to deal with the consequences himself and I will try and stay out of whatever happens. Unless it is something his child is doing that directly affects me or is dangerous, I try to stay out of the situation.
Well, this is the very thing that broke us up. My husband had 2 older children in their 20’s (dysfunctional) and a 4 year old with another woman when we got together. He and his second x were very much on the same page, too much so, with raising there daughter (most) of the time. However whenever I felt him being manipulated, or disrespected, I came to his side and fought for him. I don’t think this was the mistake, to me the mistake was the unhealthy boundaries i walked into. The children and x’s had more power than the dad. Ultimately, it was me who suffered cause the Dad could do nothing but give them what they wanted regardless of the cost.
I have never left a response to anything before. I figured I’m making things up and learning as I go, I certainly don’t know have the answers, but this issue has struck such a cord with me, so this will be a first.
My husband prides himself on being a VERY easy, go lucky, kind of guy, who has always put his kids first and will go through hell and back to make sure they are happy. The kids rule him and this household. I initially felt that peace at all costs was worth the price and did everything in my power to not make waves. Over time, I realized that those “waves” still existed; I just kept them bottled up inside and because they had no where to go; I was drowning in them. So much so, that my survival instincts kicked in and it became a “fight or flight” situation. I could no longer live under those conditions The price for peace was costing me my sanity, my love and respect for my husband, and denying each of our children the opportunity to see and learn what a healthy relationship is all about. I had a choice to make: I had already learned that flight, in this situation, doesn’t solve anything. I decided that my marriage was worth fighting for. In order for that to happen, I needed to learn to let go, accept and communicate.
It has taken, and continues to take, a lot of soul searching and self refection to decide what issues I can let go of and accept, and which ones I need to address. The ones I decide to let go of, I make sure I actually do by either: accepting it and the consequences, or disengaging so it’s no longer such an issue. Often I have to “let go and accept” the same thing on a regular basis, but each time it gets easier to discard. When I do decide to discuss an issue, I explain to my husband in the very beginning that; in order for me to be the best wife and stepmother I can be, I need to express how I feel, and more than anything, I need him to listen to me and try to see things from my point of view. After I am finished, I promise to do the same for him. There are a few rules: no interrupting, no accusations, and we do our best to approach it from “this is how it makes me feel” and word things so it isn’t confrontational.
I won’t lie, it’s still an exhausting process for me, but I experience more moments of peace, and as a result;it is getting easier to let go of more things. So, for me, the price is worth it.
In the end, all you can do is all you can do. You’re not a super hero with super human powers, and that’s the only way peace without open and honest communication is going to happen. You’re an individual with individual needs. And just like everyone else, the only person who can share those is you. If you don’t, you’re in the relationship alone; and that isn’t a relationship. One thing I have learned and learned the hard way is; that without communication, relationships are doomed to failure. I don’t want to fail yet again.
Plan and simply my husband and I get along fine as long as I keep my mouth shut. Granted he never says anything about my children either. But my children are not inconsiderate selfish manipulative or hateful.
Thanks for sharing Kim, you offer some great encouragement.
Great Joana!
Inevitably if I voice my opinion or question about anything regarding my husbands teenage daughter he will always justify his dicisions or daughters behaviors. I keep my mouth shut alot these days as my concerns are rarely validated.
It’s terrific to hear that it’s helped knowing other’s struggle with the same issues Ruth.
I cannot share with my husband at all. He immediately goes on the defense no matter how I approach it, he will also try to bring some behavior my daughters have that is totally unrelated to the topic into it and so I give up. We have been married since 2006 and we are still at square one when it comes to the kids. He can say whatever he wants about my girls, but, his son is OFF LIMITS!!!
He graduates in 2012 and then he is off to college and I will rejoice like no other stepmother on the planet. He has lied about me, has stolen from me, and so many other things. I just feel so sad about how this turned out, it could have been a wonderful relationship but, he never wanted that, ever and he missed out. I could have been the mom he never had (because his mom has issues galore) but, he never gave me a chance. His dad, my husband thinks things are great, he is in denial, I don’t talk about him to my husband, it isn’t worth the fight.
I spent my whole childhood being told to shut up and be quiet because my opinion didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I feel very much that way now…..how sad is that????
I could have written the same comment word for word. I wish I could meet stepmoms that endure challenges like this face to face so we could help each other. I have found this particular challenge very much at the heart of my 5 years in stepfamily living. We have been through many hardships, escalations… just unhealthy stuff. We always come out wondering how we could possibly still love each other, but we do. We end up looking at what didn’t work and agreeing on changes that might work better. In that, both of you need to feel validated and if you learn to communicate learning healthy conflict dialogue… noone feels threatened and conversation can flow. Ii found it is also imperative that he trusts your motivation is not derived from jeasousies or resent. That will only make him put up a wall. So Respect, timing, trust, love. Remember to always be your best and it will come back to you.
I believe that a couple need to be honest with each other. i am lucky that my husband takes my feelings on board with issues regarding his children. With us, we both share our feelings honestly and respectfully as we realise it affects everybody. In the end, after us both discussing things, he makes the final decision about his children and I make the final decision about my children. At the same time, we listen to each other and discuss things together, taking everybody into account. We both respect each others feelings and opinions as we usually come from a fair position. Do we always agree? No! However, we show each other trust and respect and we have both had to learn to discuss things together and come to an agreement or compromise. This works for us and may sound “pie in the sky” and It’s not always rosey, but respect and consideration and thinking as a unit underpins it all.
It’s great you’ve found a way that works for your family Debbie!
I feel the real question is
How am i to have a good relationship with my step kids if their father will not enforce any rules or back me on what i think, i am so frustrated with my step son because he does not listen to me when i tell him not to do something, i have had to block cable due to him ordering movies without permission, i have had to block all the computers due to adult content, today i came home from work and my step son was in the house with 2 of his friends, he is 12 and friends are 13, he knows the rule about not having anyone in the house unless there is an adult but he does whatever he wants because his dad will not say anything, i checked the history on the computer and sure enough he and his friends were trying to view adult sites with no luck thank god, he makes me the heavy and that is the problem, his son does not respect me no matter what i try to do. I have a son whom is 12 and another step son that is 13 and I enforce the rules for them, they do not try to do anything because they know i will find out and there will be a lecture and consequences. Also my son’s father my ex backs me on my rules and i back him on his rules. I find it much easier to deal with my ex then my husband. I am not sure what to do or how to convince my husband that he is the problem not my step son, i feel if he would just parent then his son would respect authority. I feel like he is really hurting his son by being lazy and not doing what he should be doing. It is very hard to be with someone that does not feel the same when it comes to parenting, i feel like i am fighting a loosing battle, it is just a matter of time and we will end up seperating over this.
It is really good to read others comments and realise that so many other step parents feel the same way and you are not alone in this. I recently got married overseas and we took my daughter and my stepdaughters with us as bridesmaids and for a holiday. Prior to that my partner and I had been living together for 8 years with the girls mostly week on week off but for some time full-time. I spent several years saving up our money for the wedding (and I say “I” because my husband is extravagant and runs up debts so it was a real struggle for me) so that we could afford to go and we didn’t have to spare any expense. I bought all three girls beautiful dresses and jewellery for the wedding and we stayed in the best accommodation at the resort right on the beach. It took a lot of planning and work to arrange everything and my husband actually didn’t help with any of it although that was fine and I was happy to do it. Prior to leaving I also bought all three girls new summer clothes, bikinis etc. From the moment we arrived my oldest stepdaughter who was really excited about where we were staying profusely thanked her father for everything he had done. I held my tongue but then on the night before the wedding, she accused me of being mean. This is fairly typical of what usually happens in our house eg. her ignoring me (she starts every sentence she speaks with “Dad.. do you know what happened etc”) but it was just too much for me not to say something the night before our wedding when emotions were running high – I said “No, you are the one here being mean” and my husband and I ended up having an enormous fight, she went off and had a big hissy fit making it all about her as usual and he went off and conforted her as per usual taking her side – we almost didn’t get married! In the end we did get married and the wedding was beautiful. When we got back I uploaded the photos of the wedding onto Facebook. The next day I noticed my stepdaughter had copied only the photos with the girls and her father in them and labelled them “my holiday….etc”. I spend a lot of my time shutting up about things like this .
Lately I have found the resentment building up and I dread her coming over every other week. In the week that they stay she makes me feel like I am invisible by cutting me out of everything. Like I said she purposely cuts me out of every conversation and then proceeds to tell her father stories of how clever she was this week and then makes some sort of joke about what she perceives are my daughter’s inadequacies in comparison to her brillant self. If there’s is a question, she asks him and if she needs something from me she asks for it through my daughter. The younger daughter is ok and we get on quite well. I try to keep it all in context and keep in mind that they receive a lot of negative stuff from their mother. She and her younger sister continually take up all the space in the lounge in front of the TV where they are allowed to sit for hours on end watching endless drivel. She is also allowed unlimited access on the Computer. I find I have to go to another room to watch anything I want to. I have tried to talk to my husband about rules and excessive time watching TV but he just isn’t interested – in fact he actively encourages them to watch TV for hours on end by copying the programmes their mother won’t let them watch on the week they are not with us! Although it was my house and my husband and daughters moved in with me I feel like I am a stranger there. The house is always in a terrible state by the time I get hone and and on the weekends I find I spend all my time cleaning up, washing and ironing. Life is too short to live like this. I find I can only relax on the weeks they are with their mother. I love my husband – we get on brillantly together when it is just us or just my daughter is with us but as soon as his daughters arrive the whole atmosphere changes and I feel like the outcast.
You try and be an adult about these things but like so many other stepparents I have little hope of things improving. Can I live throught this for another 4 or so years to finally have a life with my husband?
I love reading everyone’s comments, they hit home with me. I completely understand about being left out of conversations. I have 3 step daughters one is 15 and the 2 others are out of the house. I am ignored by all of them when they are around. They only talk to their dad and most of the time wait untill I leave the room to talk to him. I am never told what is going on even my husband forgets to tell me what is all going on. So I am always left out of his family, I won’t go anywhere with him and his kids because I am always the third wheel.
It is encouraging reading these posts. I to have tension in my home. my partner has a 15 yr old daughter living permantly with us and my 5 yr old girl has every other week with us, staying 7 days at our home. We have been living together for only 2 years and plan to marry. I do love him very much and our relationship is very strong until it comes to me addressing issues….(my partner NEVER brings up issues and says he doesnt have them when i ask why he never seems to have concerns)
My partner thinks young children should be disiplined and taught to respect others and respect house rules..however he NEVER has rules for his teenager and she can do what ever she likes or thinks, go out when she wants without saying where or when she be back. Although she is a pretty good teenager and has a close relationship with her dad I find it extremely hard that the teenager has no limits for things like not tidying her room at all other than once every three months, leaving her stuff althrough the house and not asking to help herself to the pantry, or speaking to her dad with such disrespect at times, or letting us know where she is etc. My partners daughter is also very nosey and hungs around listening to ‘adult conversations’ all the time. My partner thinks his daughter is an adult and is ok with her being treated accordingly and her listening to our/others conversations
My partner will tell my daughter off quite harshley if she disrespects anyone, especially if she does it to me.
When I have tried to address my concerns with my partner he gets VERY defensive and tells me how he thinks my daughter will be when she grows up (worse than his teenager). Also if i request that my partner has a talk with his daughter about things she needs to do..like pick up after herself he says…’yes alright already.. i will’ but NEVER EVER does.
If I ask my partner to help me with anything at all I need or if i want to talk he says soon and i wait for sometimes 30 mins until he is ready to stop what he is doing (mostly on facebook all night and during the day of he not working)
I feel like he never addresses any thing with our relationship or concerns I have about his daughter and become quite angry on arriving home at times, knowing the teenager will be there.
When my daughter is home my partner doesnt really engage/spend time with her other than tell her off. Then when ny daughter makes up stories to try get my partner into trouble, my partner gets cross with her and defensive…
Im not sure what to do now I mostly keep the peace as best as I can but I have depression so sometimes depression gets the better of me and i ‘blow’ causing a fight.
HELP..suggestions please
I am the stepmother in a very up and down relationship. We have the children (15 & 8) full time as the mother passed away. I have from the moment we got together, sacrificed everything and all of me to be everything they needed and more. But still, my opinions and help is considered dominating and accusing and we end each of these conversations in argument. I have tried to step back and not interfere but it always seems to end in our family dynamics falling apart and I myself becoming resentful, left out and my partner and I hurt with each other. We have decided not to have any children together and I see this as my only opportunity to have a family. My partner often tells me that I’m not really an experienced parent and “you’ve never lost a mum, so how would you know’? How do I respond to that? How do I help these children grow up and when will I be allowed to love them like I do? Being a parent with my spouse has made me hate being a parent altogether. I have started to really resent this situation and all I’ve done to help him and the children. I just want to be part of the family too and apart of their lives and upbrining like any other family do.
I can understand the dilemma here…however by giving in to your husband and being afraid to voice you concerns you are in fact cheating yourself. These are your thoughts and feelings. They are important to you and your well being. If you are not able to communicate your feelings in your relationship….resentment grows. Of course it needs to be said in a empathic way.
I feel it’s important to communicate how I feel to my spouse on these types of matters. Of coarse I have to pick my battles, but with something that needs his attention, like his kids acting out or misbehaving or being disrespectful, I feel it’s important for him to be involved with these matters. I would like for him to do the same for me. I’ve found that when I write it down in a note, it seems to work better that way. I get my message across better with little to no confrontation. I try not to sound “accusing” or “negative” but I do point out that I am the other parent in this house, just as he is, and we parent together in THIS house, so how I handle situations with the kids, and what I decide, should be supported by him. It is what he wants from me, and it’s helpful that we share the same family values and morals, so he knows I’m not trying to be controling or confrontational when problems arise with one of our kids. Plus, I try to put myself in his shoes so I can be more understanding about how he feels when he has a problem with one of my kids, then I can also use that to my advantage when and if I feel the need, just by pointing out what I did for him, (how I supported him in his decission making) in a similar situation, if one occurs. I think it is very important to communicate to my spouse, and keeping the peace is very important too. It doesn’t always happen, and I find that when we take a “time out” from the issue and come back to it when we have cooled down, we usually find a way to resolve it. If he truly cares for me and my happiness, he will listen, even if it’s something he doesn’t want to deal with, and I will do the same for him. We love each other very much, and we are devoted to OUR family life TOGETHER. I think that is a very important aspect of this kind of relationship, without it, I believe we would fail.