Keeping the Peace
Adele Cornish, BSW
Last week I posed the question, “When others in your blended family are really frustrating you, are you better off keeping the peace by not saying anything?”
Here’s a response I received:
“If I speak with my husband about how I feel and see things we invariably end up arguing. I’m told I am being negative etc when in fact I believe I am being objective. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to keep the peace and let my husband do what he wants to with his children REGARDLESS of how insecure or worried I feel about what he does. I realize that when my husband gets hurt I just have to say nothing and be the shoulder to cry on. It feels better to say what I feel and seems so logical to me but ultimately it is destructive for our relationship. I have to learn how to deal with the emotions I have and let my husband do what he wants to do!”
What are your thoughts on this? Is communicating your feelings destructive in your relationship?
How can or do you share your perspective in a way that’s not destructive? In other words, how do you share your thoughts in a way that ‘keeps the peace’?
I’d love your feedback! Please respond below.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. Blending can be a lonely experience so it’s great to support and encourage each other. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.
p.p.s. You can read the rest of last week’s tip by clicking here
After almost 7 years of being the “other mom” some things have changed and others of course have not. We live together, but not married. I try to keep his kids on the same rules as mine, but it never seems to be that way. We have argued over this for years. Keeping the peace in the household is really hard. How do I get him on the same page with that? Or will it ever happen? My son (who lives with us), does dishes after meals and such, why shouldn’t his son too? He just says well he doesn’t live with us, so he shouldn’t have chores at the house…I do not agree at all on this. There is nothing wrong with him pitching in here and there. Afterall when he comes to visit, I cook, clean and do his laundry, the least he can do is help here and there. Maybe I’m wrong??? But keeping the peace on this situation is really hard, I’m tired of biting my tongue.
I was on my way to divorce court this week over the fact that my husband doesn’t want to have anything to do with my 18yr old son. That is a very difficult situation, and I told him that I just need him to support me in my decisions; even if he doesn’t agree with them. He has the ball in his court now to see if he can live with that…if not, it saddens me; but I will continue to file. I love him, but heis filled with years of past hurts and anger, and he just can’t let go.
After reading all of these comments, I appreciate what I have. My husband has 3 boys and I have a boy and a girl. No, we don’t always agree, and I do see both of us siding with our bio children from time to time. I think that is very common. The only thing I really know to do is to overlook it when it happens. My husband and I are very spiritual people and look to God for help when these problems arise. It does help. We pray about it. I don’t think we’d be together without Him in our lives. My suggestion is to have God in your everyday life. I can say so much more, but I won’t bore you guys. All I know is I’m very happily married now for 5 years and have been around my step-kids for 7 years now. Not perfect, but we are all happy. 🙂
This is the biggest problem in our marriage. If I make a comment about the way his son disrespects me, he changes the subject or blames it on the ex or on me. Then he nit picks everything that my daughter does and trys to make it into the same thing. I would never allow my child to treat him the way his child is allowed to treat me. Not only that, but he also has an entirely different set of rules. He is not required to do anything and is allowed to play video games all the time. Everything my daughter does is nit picked and exagerated. She (4 mos older) goes to bed an hour earlier and is expected to clean all the time, is not allowed to learn how to run the riding mower or dive the 4 wheeler like his son is. We can’t even talk about this stuff. It feel like it is always about he and his son being better than we are. I work my butt off and just as hard as he does. Then I come home and do everything here, I make good money and my kid is kind, respectful and bright. It’s nothing but put downs or being ignored for us though. He doesn’t appreciate eigher of us. It’s all about him and his son. I feel like a maid.
i feel how the lady feels in her situation. i am pretty much the negative one, when in fact i am trying to prove my point. So, I pretty much let her vent without my input. I love her but this is going a little to far now. there should be two sides to every conversation not just one side and that is her side that can’t take criticism. Or should i say objectivity.
Keeping quiet and not communicating feelings (mine and other family members) will definitely not help. Sweeping hurt feelings and frustrations under the carpet leaves an obvious ‘hump’ of unresolved issues – a time-bomb waiting to explode.
Also, it eats into your personality feeling a lack of self-respect and confidence; Eventually, resentment sets in and you become a bitter person. Very unhealthy to physical and mental health.
I agree with not sweeping important issues under the rug. How is that healthy if it only buys time “keeping the peace” for a moment but allows ammunition to build in a mental storage just waiting for the right spark to set it off. Now keep in mind that as parents and partners we have to choose our battles and it really does help to not sweat the small stuff. However, what is the underlying importance? Peace in the home and respect for each other? Contributing to the functioning success of the family? The home should be a haven of happiness everyone has the privilege to enjoy. But there are always responsibilities & contributions before privileges right…yep that goes for everyone, living there or not. So start there. If important aspects of the family functioning are set and understood by all, then each issue addressed is really brought to light because it drains from the goals of the family. Granted, it is very hard for the parent of a child who seems to less often toe the line, to hear feedback from the parent of one who more often stays on track. So temper those conversations with love and understanding not silence…
I can relate to Dawn in so many ways and i feel for her and the situation, my feelings are just this, we cant change the way any of our kids are, they are family and we have to accept them for who they are , the good and the bad, it is what it is! I have learned this by being with my husband now and our blended family, i do feel that since the son is 18 he should be asked to move out since he is not abiding by the house rules, bringing in drugs and stealing is unacceptable and he is old enough as long as he is out of school to make it on his own, and the grandparents are enableing him to continue to fail. If he were on his own he would have to figure it out and that is what he needs, if he continues to live at home and dissrepect the house rules it will come between Dawn and her husband and ruin there relationship, take it from me i have been there.
Sincerely
Alaska MOM