How to get along with your stepchildren
Adele Cornish, BSW
After receiving some emails lately from stepparents who are really struggling with not liking their stepchildren I’ve started a blog on the topic of ‘How to get along with your stepchildren’.
Stepparents going through this difficult stage need encouragement from those who have lived through it and reaped the rewards.
The thing is, it’s easy to focus on a problem and allow it to become all consuming at the expense of your couple relationship. In other words you find the kids so difficult that at this point you just want to escape it all. You’re prepared to quit and sacrifice the long-term wellbeing of your couple relationship because of the children.
There’s a saying that goes ‘You will never possess what you’re unwilling to pursue.’
If you want to enjoy great relationships you have to push on through the tough stages and pursue them. Some of you have done this so here’s your chance to share how you got through the issue of not wanting or liking your stepchildren.
Please let these stepparents see that it is possible!
Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor
p.s. Remember you can keep your response anonymous if you wish.
p.p.s. If you would like professional guidance and support on how to get through this difficult issue, please click here
I need help. I have 3 stepkids. 2 girls and 1 boy and have 2 kids myself. I’ve been trying and trying and I won’t stop trying but the 8 year old boy is driving me crazy. The girls I’m completely close to and love very much but the boy is a different story. I have a 10 year old son as well and he has issues and has for years. He has a disability and doesn’t have many friends and home should be a loving place for him. Well my fiancés son is a total turd. He is mean to my son and is very rude to me. Especially when his dad isn’t around. For one thing I will not take crap off a 8 year old child or any other child in my own home and two I don’t want him mistreating my son. My son has enough problems at school and shouldn’t have to deal with the bs at home. I resent my soon to be step son and how rude he is and how he goes undisciplined most of the time. I do not want to feel this way at all an have been on the Internet for 2 days trying to figure out how to change this. Pls help
Dear Stacy, I am not an expert but give this a try. Usually kids act up when they do not get enough attention right? Well, what if you give this kid some quality time and turn him around. He is probably mad because kids want someone to blame for thier pain…right now that is you as well (as your son who is easy prey right now.) Reward his Good behavior and Ignore his bad. Tell your son to ignore his bad behavior too. But when he does the slightest thing right…validate him. GOOOOOD JOOOOB! Give little food or money rewards when he exhibts the slightest bit of kindness. Give him attention for positive not negative…he just wants attention they all do. Hope that helps. Also, validate him by saying something like “bet it is hard for you right now having to share your Dad with so many people, I am sorry that it is hard for you and I will do the best I can to help you get through this….hug…etc.
I am going through almost the same thing as Stacy above. I have 3 kids of my own (16, 15, and 10); my 8 year old step daughter and a 1 year old with my husband. My step daughter is down right disrespectful to me and my kids even when it is just her and I. My daughter tries to play with her and its her way or the highway. She tells me that her mom says she does not have to listen to me. We have tried talking to her mom and her mom denies ever saying that. There are no rules at mom’s. There are no chores at mom’s. Mom tells us that my step daughter is her only child and she will let her do what she wants whether we like it or not and that she will not give her chores because my step daughter is not her slave. My husband and I believe there ned to be rules and having chores teaches the kids responsibility. I am at my witts end. I am looking at starting counseling because I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I cry all the way home from work when she is over because I don’t know what I will have to deal with when I get home. This has been going on for 2 1/2 years. My husband is just now understanding and starting to discipline her for her behavior.
so I have a 2 year old n my husband has a 8 year old daughter. she is such a brat toward me n my child. she has pinched my son kicked him she constently teases him and anytime i ask her a question she ignores me. i have put her in time out a few times and used the proper techique one minute per year age n set timer n evrythin n gave her hugs n all n she still is always giving my problems. my husband works third so im the one who is up w the kids pretty much all day. so im in charge of discipline. we do spend quality time w her when we can but even doing that she still is a bratty kid.. i feel like im always gettin bossed around n backtalked by a 8 year old n im so sick of it all. im not gonna be treated like this from a child. shes so spoiled by her mother n grandma but then we try n lay ground rules n its a war zone. shes mouthed me off n mumbled im a bitch n says mean things like me nor my son matter.. i just feel so done with it all i dread her even being at our house for 2 days on the weekends. i need help please 🙁 im at my whits end with her attitude
I have a 12 y/o step-son that has been a part of my life for 8 years. He is entering that teenage state of mind and has a very smart mouth and has become disrespectful toward myself and my husband. I spanked him the other night due to his smart mouth and not doing as he was told and stated I was going to takeing his games away if he did it again. He called his mother that night and told her that I beat him. She has since threatened my husband that if I ever touch him again that she was turning me into DHS. Now remember I have been with my step-son for 8 years and have been spanking him on occasion as needed for discipline. Now this spanking consist of my bare hand on his bottom and he weighs more than me. His dad was present when this occured. I am very hurt by this action my step-son has chosen. I have a 3 y/o daughter and need to know of what I can or should do?
When I decided to marry my husband I also decided to take on two boys. A five and eight year old (now seven and ten). I have no children of my own.
This is my story…
Parenting came like a flash flood into my life. Although I had experience with kids nothing could prepare me for a 24/7 parenting life.There were moments when I thought to myself, “….did I just take a bigger bite than I could chew?” I was choking.
Background: Their biological mother had never given them any kind of discipline or introduced them to the healthy world of chores. This was a problem getting the boys to see a women take on the role of discipline later on. Their father took on all the responsibility of house chores and as the disciplinary. He also worked full time.
When we became engaged, their dad gave me permission to discipline as well. He did this by literally telling the boys that if I said something it goes as if he said it. I won’t lie. These boys were angels when Dad was around. When it was just me, OH, did they test me. It took “Dad” being consistent in his support to me (being a part of the kids life as a disciplinary role and as a soon to be co-parent) to make a change in their behavior. Not to mention, carrying through with consequences of not listening to me. I know that sounds tough, but it really made a huge difference having my (then) fiancé respect me and demanding that same kindness and respect coming from the boys.
Once married, one of the hardest adjustments for me jumping in to an already established family was the ex spouse. It took a while before she could accept a new person in the children’s lives and a new person in her ex husband’s life. This was so even though she had a boyfriend and a new baby on the way. She was able to make life difficult for us. My Husband saw the toll it was taking on us and quickly acted on learning healthy boundaries. My husband was able to make me feel like the only women in his life while still treating his ex spouse with respect, but, not letting her interfere with our lives. Thankfully, I was blessed to see a change in her actions and behavior as time went by. I think she did a lot of growing up on her own. I do still hold back on being too friendly because of her past actions.
Another hard jump in my new life was going from being a completely independent, workaholic, gal.. not to mention, being my own boss, to a dependent wife, homemaker, and mom. It was difficult letting go of my past life and living it the way I wanted to sharing it. Granted, we both operated at a full time schedule and thank each other for their part in it. Whether, it was to bring in the dough or bake the dough, we were making it work. But I was still waking up some days thinking to myself, what the heck am I doing??? Do I really want this? Do I know how to be a wife or much more a MOM? It helps tremendously when my husband and I talk things openly without judgment. All our doubts, fears and hopes. Sadly, to get rid of some doubt that I felt, it took us to clear the table of past dreams and make new ones together that we wanted for us in our present life and situation. It was no longer just me or just him and the boys. It was us. It was our family. I was learning how to become a mom and, believe it or not, a wife too. It took a long time before tantrums from both of the boys could be neutralized by me alone. It took even longer before I came to terms with me being a stay at home wife and homemaker. I do get along with one of the boys personalities better than the other’s. For a while it did cloud my judge and I ended up disciplining the other a little more harshly. My husband pointed it out and I have since opened my eyes. I am still working at treating both boys equally. It’s hard work. I fear that although I like the boys very very much, I may not get that bond mothers have with their children that makes them great moms. It’s hard to describe. I want to do special things with them but I sometimes feel myself pushing away from them after a rough day. Personally, I find that getting together with moms that have been there done that or have mixed families helps more than I could have ever imagined. It reminds me I’m not alone and that some feelings are common to many. But we mange to push through and love better. Writing this reminds me to thank my husband for his wonderful patience with me and his great capacity to understand what I feel is not always fact but it sure feels real at the moment and is still very important to me. I wish all the co-parents the best in their journeys and more than anything… much love in their hearts.
I am the stepmom to an almost 15 year old girl with no bio kids of my own. I have been in her life almost 3 years. She comes here twice a month and I hate to admit that I dread these visits. While she has the typical teen traits of extreme laziness, back talking, lying and playing her mom and dad off each other and acts more like a 10 year old than a someone in highschool. Her dad works on Saturdays so it is just her and I till he gets home. She has a few chores to do in the morning as well as doing her homework (which is always a struggle) before she is allowed to watch tv. A few times I have let that rule slide..saying that as long as everything was done before her dad got home it was fine. I would leave the room while she watched her tween shows to work on the computer or watch tv in my bedroom. Last visit she was in a bad mood all weekend and while I was out she told her dad that I ignore her when he’s at work. When I got home I was greeted at the door by him with a ‘Do you have a problem with my daughter?’. When I found out what she had said I was so hurt and angry at both of them..at her for her lies and at him for not waiting to talk to me before verbally attacking me at the door. It turned into a screaming match (This is the first time I have ever reaised my voice at her) and now that the whole truth is out, he has apologised to me and she and I are very tense around each other. I can honestly say I can’t stand the sight of her these days and have to pretend that we are fine just to keep the peace. It doesn’t help that her dad doesn’t think she should be left alone…and I don’t just mean alone in the house, but alone IN THE ROOM so she doesn’t feel ‘neglected’. She is so clingy and needy and whiny and I’m just about at the end of my rope.
I have 3 daughters and my Fiance has one son. She and I are the disciplinary parents and My ex and Her ex are the “Disney Parents”. My girls give is a hard time occasionally but they are old enough to know that they are being spoiled at their Moms house. The bigger issue is that the Boy is getting spoiled at his fathers house and when he comes home he hates it and lashes out at his mother all the time. She is trying her best to keep him happy but also not bending to give him everything he wants. It is not like we dont do anything fun. We play games, he has loads of toys, and we act like a true family. But when he does not get what he wants or does not listen and gets in trouble, he lashes out and says that he wants to leave and go be with his father. What can we do to keep our sanity and raise a happy boy?
My problem is quite minor compared to most but it still poses an issue. My step daughter and her mom moved an hour away and now we only see her every other weekend. My husband has a traveling job and therefore I’m left to take care of my son, my husband and I daughter and then his daughter. In the past I have had a preference of when the best time is for her to come, but my husband has chewed me out because of that so I just kept my mouth chut. Just recently I was diagnosed with cancer and have to undergo treatment every 21 days. Since my husband doesn’t want to listen to me and since his x and I are cool with one another, I took it upon myself to contact her and schedule the right time for her to come. When we did that, his daughter called him crying about not being able to come, which caused tension between he and his x. She was doing me a favor. She knows what it’s like to take care of a cancer patient and felt like when I was up to watching her that’s when we schedule her to come. Now here it is, time for school to end and I’m expecting her to come on Friday, Memorial Day Weekend. Here comes to me before he goes on his business trip, she coming today, is that okay. I tell him, I thought she was coming on Friday. I was expecting her to come on Friday, and. Would prefer for her to come on Friday, that’s when my son is out of school, but he couldnt understand what my son being out of school had to do with anything. I over hear him yelling at his x stating that m baby wants to come today she is going to come, which makes wonder if his x even knew she was coming today. I was going to call his x to ask her if she could bring her on Friday, but he was telling to be sure his x didn’t talk me out of it. I know that his daughter plays us against one another. If his x and I make a decision about when she is going to come, she goes and runs to her dad crying about not being able to come. So then I’m chewed out and so is his x, but his x doesn’t live with him, so she can just hang up the phone. Am I wrong for wanting her to come certain days?
I have 3 kids of my own 17, 15, and 8. I raised them to have respect for their elders, and to do chores and not to be spoiled. As a single mom for a few years I couldn’t give them a lot but when I could they appreciated it.
I moved another state to be with my fiancée. Hr has 2 kids 16 and 5. The 16 year old girl o adore she is respectful and pleasant to be around. The 5 yr old he shares with a different woman than his 16 yr old. This woman is a monster she had alternative sex session’s for a living she brings a variety of men around her house in her daughters presence also she tries to meet with my fiancée alone in which I had to put my foot down
His daughter throws massive tantrums has an iPad since she was 3. And does whatever she wants. She still can’t wipe herself and sucks her thumb. She constantly eats is overweight and is very disrespectful to me and my children
Any discipline with timeouts gets overridden by her mom. She has pinched and bitten my 8 year old for no reason and that was witnessed she’s only sorry cause she got caught afterwards she is back to the same. She has to constantly be supervised cause she kicks the dogs leaving me my kids and his oldest daughter ignored.
I am so frustrated someone help
I have I have 15yr old stepson and he refuses to listen to me and his father is letting him. He trampled down my flower bed and bashed the side of the trailer in. And his father said to me, did you see him do it? Of course not and nobody else was there to do it. And I asked him to get me a grocery cart and goes and stole a grocery card from a old lady, took all of her things and set them down and then gave me the cart, the lady was so mad!! I had no idea what he had done. I gave her back the cart but she didn’t want it. And the child went out to the car and sat because he got mad at me when I asked him why? why did he do it? And he said nothing to me and got mad!! And his dad said did you see him do it? I said no that the old lady was throwing a fit!! And I heard her, that’s how I knew he did. His dad says I’m just picking on him. Please help me or I’m gonna throw them both out of my house!!
Im a stepmom to my 7 year old step daughter. She lived with her mom before, and I and her father would get her on the weekends. Two months ago she moved in fulltime with me and her father. Her mother didnt have time for her so she decided to have her live with us. What a sad reason as a so called mom to just give your child up like that. So my stepdaughter has really progressed with us because when she lived with her mom she was bad. Her mom still sees her once or twice a week which is pretty sad. But after she goes with her mom and then comes back home shes bad and.angry and has attitude. Even when she talks to her mom on the phone she is very disrespectful with her and when she hangs up she has attitude with me and says to me that im not her mom and that she doesnt want to live with us and just acts up. Im new to being a stepmom and just feel so lost because i take care of her and take her places and do things with her. Yet she is like that towards me only after she has contact with her mom. Please any advice would help me because I love her like my own and dont know why she gets like that.
I have an 8yr old stepson plus an 11yr old, 9yr old and a 2yr old… Now I was brought up to respect all elders and so have my other 3 children… Yet my Ss is completely the opposite! He is evil and completely rude… My kids clean there rooms help with tea and whatever else they can help with… (Without me asking) Ss on the other hand thinks I’m a bitch cos I ask him to help clean or even just to put his clothes away…( I don’t ask him to wash or fold them just put them away) I have spoken to his mother about this ( and yes we do get along) but she has basically said I am asking too much of him… What is too much??? My 2yr old is toilet trained his 8yr old isn’t…. But am I still asking too much… I don’t class myself as a bad parent but maybe I am…. I try and treat all my babies the same if they have chores then so should he! I have never asked him to call me mum and when he has I have corrected him as I know I’m not his mum and never will be…. Just find it hard to have rules for 3 children and not for the other as the others can see that he gets treated differently and that’s when they start to act up! Really feeling like crap…. Sorry guys had to vent
I have three step children tow boys ten and seven and a daughter eleven. I have been in there lives for 3and a half years, my question is what am I doing wrong they won’t listen to me and they don’t respect me. there birth mother left them for drugs and I feel they are lost because they were not wanted. I have rules and chores and they disregard all of my rules. they think my two year old gets treated special but I punish him more then I have seen their father punish them. I treat them equaly I’m with them 24/7 and their father is gone on the ocean alot.
the rules are in place so thay nothing gets broken and no one gets hurt. I have them stand in the corner and that doesn’t seem to work. when I say good job or apprase them for good behavior they seem to get worse. I’m always doing things with them so its not because I don’t spend time with them.
I don’t know how or what I’m doing wrong or how to make life good for everyone in the house. if there father doesn’t agree with my parenting does that feed into the kids acting out when I take care of them.
please help I can’t do this alone.