How to get along with your stepchildren
Adele Cornish, BSW
After receiving some emails lately from stepparents who are really struggling with not liking their stepchildren I’ve started a blog on the topic of ‘How to get along with your stepchildren’.
Stepparents going through this difficult stage need encouragement from those who have lived through it and reaped the rewards.
The thing is, it’s easy to focus on a problem and allow it to become all consuming at the expense of your couple relationship. In other words you find the kids so difficult that at this point you just want to escape it all. You’re prepared to quit and sacrifice the long-term wellbeing of your couple relationship because of the children.
There’s a saying that goes ‘You will never possess what you’re unwilling to pursue.’
If you want to enjoy great relationships you have to push on through the tough stages and pursue them. Some of you have done this so here’s your chance to share how you got through the issue of not wanting or liking your stepchildren.
Please let these stepparents see that it is possible!
Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor
p.s. Remember you can keep your response anonymous if you wish.
p.p.s. If you would like professional guidance and support on how to get through this difficult issue, please click here
How do you know when it is time to throw in the towel. My significant others daughter has been a nightmare since she has been eight. She is now 13 and things are even worse. She has no respect for adults and her father does not discipline her and only makes excuses for her behavior. When is enough, enough?
Hi Adele,
I have read your emails for months, and found it so imformative. The problem in my blended family is that my two step-sons, do not speak to me at all! Not even please or thank you unless my spouse asks them to. This has gone on for six years and has been very diifficult for me. Ihave tried evrything, but to no avail. The mother has greatly influenced the boys and has been jealous of my relationship with my husband. Just letting you know I’ve lost hope. My house is divided and its painful.
Best Regards,
Kat
I get on with my 4 step boys very well and it all started on the first day. Their father (now my husband) layed down the law and said I am to be respected, if they don’t, they won’t get respect back. There have been times where I have had to implement this and they do realise, yes it is true.
The boys appreciates that their father is in love and happy compared to single and sad. Also my husband fully supports & helps me in all aspects of caring for the boys which makes a world of difference.
hi Kat
this link has helped me and my partner undersatnd where his children are coming from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201106/why-its-easier-love-stepfather-stepmother.
However I am greatly helped by their father’s insistence that they respect me; none of us is perfect and I still do feel taken for granted sometimes. My partner does also insist on my own sons respecting me which is relaly good for all of us.
It is very important to determine if it is a ‘kid’ problem or a parent problem, and I fear that often stepfamily issues are the latter. The biological parent sets the tone and determines how the children will treat the step-parent. If the bio parent isn’t going to protect and uphold the integrity of the step-parent, then there is little chance that the kids will do all the heavy lifting on their own. You cannot pin on kids behavior that isn’t shaped by their biological parent.
If the child is simply unappealing or boring or unlikeable on its own, then the problem is the step-parents. I am an educator and I teach teachers. The one question they always ask me is, “What do you do if you don’t like a kid?” My response is, “It isn’t your job to like or dislike them. It is your job to teach them. You are the adult, act like it. There is always SOMETHING to like about any person. It is your job to find that saving grace and focus on it.” I think the same is true of step-parenting.
Your responsibility is to act like an adult and parent this step-child to the best of your ability. Take a class, read a book, educate yourself on what good parents act like, and then do the same. It’s not all about how you feel. You are grown and raised; these kids don’t have a choice as to who raises them and you have a responsibility to take care of them, feed, them, keep them safe from harm, and be a kind human being.
You may never really like them, but again, that’s hardly the point. You have sworn to uphold your promise as a step-parent. Do the best job you can, stay positive, and feel good about your role as a ‘parent.’ Set a good example and act with dignity and kindness.
And you never know, you may end up liking them! Just try sometimes to do less emotion and more action.
Mixed feelings on this one…if the bio parent is prepared to ‘lay down the law’ as Sandra mention then great your halfway there. However if the Bio parent is full of guilt and excuses then your in for a difficult time.
After 2+yrs of horrific behaviour from my step son, countless hours of counselling, I had to draw a line in the sand.
Me or Him!!!
Thankfully my husband reluctantly picked me and sent his son back to the mother. Life is so much calmer and hubby has had to deal with the resentment of being forced to make a choice. You see Hubby never believe my cries for help. Even when I ended up spending a month is a pshyc hospital because my anxiety and fears for my safety caused a breakdown, hubby still sided with his son. Both my children were fearful of the boy because he had threated to do stuff to them. Even after all this hubby still chose to blame me for his son’s disgusting behaviour and made so many excuses for said teenagers behaviour. My vindication came when the teen in question was kicked out of his fancy private High School, for violent behaviour towards younger students.
My advise is do all you can to rectify things and when all avenues have been exausted then it’s time to draw a line in the sand.
I wish that I could be the barer of good news also, but after nearly 14 years of parenting two girls with my husband, their father, my relationship with my step daughters is really at an all-time low. There is much resentment on both sides with my husband squarely in the middle. The resentment from my side has come from years of rejection from my stepdaughters (now 19 and 17&1/2), constantly doing all the work of their mother, but getting nothing back – in fact – they have expected me to do it. Much of the problem can be attributed to their biological mother poisoning them again me, and them also feeling guilty about showing any sort of affection towards me – in fact – it has been easier for them to reject me. That has resulted in me now being very critical of their bad habits as well as me feeling much jealously with their relationship with their father. At times, I feel that their father takes their side and indeed, blames me for many of the walls that are now between myself and my stepdaughters. My husband and I have a 12 year old son, and the interesting thing is that we are very “together” with his parenting – which shows that there is something else at play with the step-relationship. It has just actually reached a crisis point and causing problems with my relationship with my husband. I believe that the important thing at the moment is to protect my relationship with my husband and with our son. In so doing, I have pulled right away from my stepdaughters, and just trying to be civil, not nag, not expect any help or care from them at this point. It is very sad, as I have worked very hard to try to forge a path with them.
Wow – just wanted to thank Cheryl B for her comments – given me much to think about, and such sound advice, and very important to remember as a stepparent.
I have two stepchildren. My stepson just turned 18(14 when I met him) and a stepdaughter now 15(11 when I met her), at first I was sure I had entered hell and it became a whole lot worse before it got better. A month after I got married to their father their mother (whom I was sure was the devil in female form) moved back to town and proceeded to try to turn my stepchildren againts their father and I. My stepson became angry, argumenative and violent especially toward my biological son (five years his junior) to include threatening with a knife and choking him. Finally my husband agreed to let my stepson stay fulltime with his mother and only visit us on agreed upon times when his father was around just in case he became violent again. This started a downhill progression for my stepson into depression, and resentful anger that eventually lead to him dropping out of highschool. That in turn made my husband resentful at me for asking that we allow him to move out. My husband and I are just now starting to move forward from all of the turmoil that was caused by my stepson and his mother and it has been almost four years. My stepdaughter was not as bad as her brother since she was not her mothers favorite child and was not treated as well as her bother. After years of individual and family counseling and loving kindness my stepdaughter and I have become very close. My stepdaughter still has times where her mother tries to manipulate her against us, but with the help of a wonderful christian therapist she gets through each episode faster than the time before.
Can we get through the years with stepchildren, manipulated by spiteful ex-spouses?
When the kids are grown will any of this still matter?
When the kids are grown will we be able to put all of this hurt, disappointment and resentment behind us and pursue happiness?
The kids grow up and move on but what if the marriage has suffered to many wounds during the “early blending years” to remember why you married in the fist place?
What are we fighting for then?
This is my question…
First of all I grew up in a blended family. My mum remarried when I was 5 and my sister 10. Straighht away I got on with my step dad but my sister did not. In fact she hated him and disrespected him at every chance she could. I am not exaggerating when I say this went on for 13 years! She had a lot of hurt and it wasn’t until she became an adult that she realised the sacrifices our step dad made. We both adore him now and could cry at how awful we were. He showed us endless forgiveness and unconditional love and today as a 28 year old and 32 year old we are grateful to who he was and is and couldn’t ask for a better man.
Ironically I am now a step parent and go to him for advice ALL THE TIME! I struggle with feelings of hate but I have to keep coming back to loving the kids unconditionally and forgiving them and myself many times a day. I ask for help from family and most importantly asking God to give me strength daily. I think being a step parent is the hardest thing in terms of selflessness and nothing tests your character quite like it.
I was up against three very angry girls who were 5, 12, and 13 at the time. They made it very clear from the beginning that they wanted nothing to do with me. I could understand that they felt I was trying to replace their mom, so I could not approach them with anger. It was so hard some days I would just lock myself in my room and cry. But the love my husband and I have for each other keeped us moving forward a day at a time. Pretty soon the girls started to open their hearts up and realized I had love to give and my intentions were good. And after dealing with their mom who only had awful things to say, she pretty much walked away from them and the girls came to live with us. They are now going on12, 19 and 20 and all still live at home with us. They are amazing , and I love them like my own. What helped me was lots of PATIENCE and love. I also could not have done it without our faith, lots of prayers were said and still are. Everyone has a different story to tell this is mine. We now have our own baby together, which makes a total of 6 girls since I came into the marriage with my 2 girls.
I have tried everything i can think of with my stepson, my problem is he is one way infront of me and another behind my back, it is a trust thing and to be honest i do not feel the problem is his, i blame his parents for the way he is, both of his parents do not discipline, they do not make him accountable for his actions, therefore he is sneaky and acts perfect infront of adults and lies and is a bully to my son. So that is where the problem lies with me, my husband is very defensive anytime i try to let him know or make sugestions on discipline, it is not even steven in my house with our sons at all, and the rules i try to make go out the door as soon as i am not around. So that causes anger and resentment between myself and my husband. I feel like i am fighting a loosing battle. Our sons are the same age and i can trust my son to tell me the truth and my stepson to always lie about anything he does not want to be responsible for. Our sons are so different, my son is a big kid for his age and a softy, not agreesive at all, my husbands son is small and overly agressive, a know it all type and show off, I try to just ignore most everything, i feel i do not have a choice. I just focus all my energy on trying to be the best mom i can with my son and let go of the rest, it is out of my control. At this point it is really taking a toll on my relationship, I am hoping my marriage does not end up in Divorce over this.
I so agree with what Cheryl B. and Carolyn said. I would like to add that if you are having frustrations or difficulties, remember that not everyone in life may like you and you may not like everyone all the time or someone most of the time. If it so happens to be your stepchildren, it is what it is and it doesn’t make you a bad person. They are people, too and, you didnt raise them. Bad behavior is bad behavior and isn’t meant to be liked. Don’t take any of it personally. They are growing, have their own ponderings and adolescent/teen issues that are normal for them at this time. Of course there should be clear boundaries upheld. Yet, for some reason we expect that when we treat people with respect and with the intention of accepting, liking and loving them, that they will do the same in return without reservation. Else, we walk away and respect their space. It is not wrong to do that in your home. It is your home, too and needs to be your haven, also. Make it beautiful. Walk around like you respect yourself. It is not wrong not to care so much that it hurts you and makes you miserable, insecure and angry all the time. It is not wrong to quit expending your energy where it exhausts you with no return. There are those people that won’t return your thoughtfulness and the harder you try, the more frustrated you get. Those people have their own issues. Stepchildren are not the exception to that just because they’re kids and belong to your spouse.; they are people as well. Their seeming hatred or disregard may have no more to do with you than if anyone else didn’t like you. In any case, why dwell on it if it makes you unhappy? Your life and your time are worth more than that. This is your life, too. If you’re gonna give, give because you want to, because it’s you. Not because you have to, but because you choose to. Ultimately it is toward God and He will reward your right heart. That’s not saying be a doormat. Respect yourself. Set the tone for yourself in your own life and it will spill over into everything you do and to everyone you interact with or are around. Would you really sweat it if someone other than your stepkids didn’t like you? You survived before them and you will survive now and regardless of what happens. Your character, personality and integrity didn’t begin with them and it won’t die with them nor because of them, either. You didn’t give them power before you met them, why would you give them power now? Know yourself. You are a whole person. You know who your friends and family are. You know who your God is. You know what healthy and respectful attitudes and relationships are. You still have the ability to make friends and have good relationships and to enjoy your own hobbies and interests. You are still a good, kind, smart, loving person. No one can take any of that away from you. And they may not want to, so don’t focus on that. Just be yourself. Be real. Take care of yourself, too and first. Of course if you’re going to eat, make sure they get fed, too, for example. Take a few hours off/away for a bit every so often. Have time to yourself every day to relax and just be you. Pray. Read inspirational quotes every day and focus on the positive and good in every day, even if you really have to look around in your life to find it today. You are in charge of your life. You are the adult. You can create your life and make it beautiful. You can share and laugh with those who care to share and laugh with you. And yes your husbands should be a united, caring and unmanipulatable front with you that everyone is treated with respect in your home. If it’s not the warmest, closest, most fun relationship that you imagined with your stepchildren, there is room in your life for those kind of relationships. The ones with your stepchildren may or may not ever be that way, and you have to be ok with that. They have a right to choose and reasons that they don’t choose, and a lot of it (if any of it) has nothing to do with you. Just be the best you can be and live your best life, regardless of whether the stepkids are there or not. They do not own your time nor your existence nor your mind, so don’t act like they do. If you’re paralyzed, you chose to be and only you can wake yourself up. These are the things I have learned. You are not alone.
I remarried and became a stepmother 10 years ago. We have 5 children together, 2 boys and 3 girls. The majority of the problems between my stepchildren and myself have come from my husband’s ex-wife and her unwillingness to allow her children to love me. It’s unfortunate because they need love to overcome the trauma from their broken home. When I get depressed or angry about how my step children treat me, I focus instead on their brokeness. I don’t have a clue what it’s like to be put in the middle where they have to chose. I can tell you that I’ve wanted to get in their faces and tell them exactly the way I felt and on more than one occasion.
Over time, I’ve developed a strong bond with my stepson which I thought would never happen. My stepdaughters are now in college and have left home. I think they too are begining to see a different side of the story. When they are around me, I shower them with hugs and I tell them I love them. I also have apologized on numerous occasions for the times when I blew it and my hurt came out through angry words or unkind actions.
God loves them and they are not to blame for the break up of their parents marriage but they do have to live with the consequences of that decision.
I’ve come to understand that their anger comes from their inability to put their family back together. I ask my own children what it’s like to be from a broken home and they have shed a different perspective on how I view each and everyone of them.
Patience is a virtue but more importantly, it’s a quality God wants us to grow into.
Love is patient, love is kind,…….
Thank you everyone, for your input. I had an appointment with a divorce lawyer. I just cancelled it. It is my life and what I make of it is up to me. I need to be a better teacher for my 7 year-old daughter. We all deserve to be happy and respected and there are ways to get there! Thank you for the inspiration!!
I have two step children an 11yr old oh and a 13yr old girl. Our relationship has been very complex since the beginning. It definitely got worse before it got better. But the one thing I have to remember is that the kids have a mother who fills their heads with non-sense and even though their behavior has been hurtful and at times disgusting I know it’s to make their mother happy. I will never win that battle. I have had to lower my expectations… I thought we could be one jig happy blended family loving each other as families do. Don’t get me wrong I do love my step children but when my step daughter doesn’t want to come home on our half of the week, I stopped getting upset about it. I focus on the fact my step son want to come and he likes being part of our family. My 2 sons his half brothers love him and also love having him around. My step daughter is a lost cause at this point and I won’t stress about it anymore. My husband has always been supportive and that has been key. I tell him T the end of the day it’s about us ALL the kids are going to grow up and leave and we are left with each other. It also helps that th bio mom has backed off because we are paying her more in child support. I don’t even mind because it at least gives us peace input lives! You’d be amazed what money can do to fix the relationship with exs! It’s sad but true. So my advice make your situation work for you and keep your relationship with your partner a priority! We are healthy and stronger that ever going on five years!
Alison that’s awesome! I agree, there are some very inspiring experiences!
Alison, wow, awesome! You deserve it all, girl! And Deb, what a great story. I can identify and I think you are right on. Thanks.
After reading all the comments above, I can relate to all of them. I have 4 stepchildren, 10, 12, 14 and 16, all of whom lived week about with their dad and I, until August last year.
My husband has always backed me up with regards to anything to do with his kids, which has been a total blessing, as for a number of reasons over the past 4 years, I have frequently been the only adult around to interact with the kids over everyday issues. We agreed that I would stay away from actively disciplining the kids, but that I had the right to set standards of behaviour in our home and re-enforce house rules and basic consequences.
From May last year, just after my husband and I got engaged, very clearly at the behest of his bio-mum, the 14 y.o. agitated to live with her full-time and behaved so badly towards us and his siblings when he was at our house, in the end we said “Your choice where you live”, and he promptly and unceremoniously moved out to his mum’s. He has gradually re-instated contact with us, but his attitude runs hot and cold, depending on who knows what. I continue to treat him respectfully, but firmly, reminding him of chores he needs to help with when he visits. However, I do not set myself up for disappointment by expecting a lot back from him at this stage, as I know he’s been subjected to all sorts of manipulation from his bio-mum.
Late last year, my husband took a great job across town from our home, which involves living on-site as a ranger at a national park. We discussed the options with all his kids, including plans to have them catch a rural school bus to their existing school on the weeks they were with us in our new home on the park. All was good until Christmas time, just before our wedding date, when the complaints started from the kids and their mum about how unreasonable and selfish our move was and that they didn’t think they could cope with the bus journey every day etc. In short, the kids decided to move in full-time with their bio-mum, and visit us every second weekend.
While this whole change has been quite fraught for everyone, we know that the kids are just being manipulated, so we try to make their visits a fun family time, going on picnics, waterslides etc, and not putting any pressure or expectations on them, other than very basic chores. Funny thing, they are now starting to invite friends over for the weekend and planning to spend their next holidays at our place.
We now have a peaceful household, more time together as a couple to simply enjoy one another’s company, and my husband has never been healthier or happier in his work. When the kids arrive, we both are much more available to be with them, without as many of the stresses we experienced in previous years.
I am sure that in time, as the children grow up, they will better appreciate what has gone on, and they will form their own conclusions about their parents’ behaviours and characters.
The journey of step-parenting is a selfless choice, frequently under-recognised and definitely under-rewarded in our society; however step-children, (like myself), eventually grow-up and finally mature, and have the opportunity to fully recognise their own step-parents for the contribution they’ve made. My step-mum of 25 years was uncertain about whether she should be part of the formal aspects of our recent wedding ceremony. I stamped my feet and insisted that she was, as she has contributed hugely to my dad’s wonderful retirement years, and by virtue of that, to my life. It was a very moving thing to have my mum, dad and step-mum all sitting together in the front row at our wedding.
My advice to step- and bio-parents who are struggling with the issues discussed here: live your own life with integrity and honesty, create and maintain firm boundaries with your kids, do not give into feelings of resentment, jealously or revenge (however tempting!), nurture your partnership, and above all else, back each other up to the hilt – together we stand, divided we fall!
i have a step daughter that is now 3 yrs old me and her dad have been together since she was 4 months old. It is hard when the bio-mom has jealousy issues, when ever me and my step daughter do anything it is bad, and the bio-mom tells her that it does not make her happy. My step daughter has become standoffish where i’m concerned wont give me hugs anymore and when i make cookies or homemade treats for her and my son she says she cant eat them becouse her mom told her they are not good and it would not make her happy. reading everyone’s blog helps to know that i am not the only on going through this. about a month ago i was at my wits end and was thinking of leaving my husband but i have to always stop and think that it is not his fault these things happen and it is not my step daughters fault either she is just listening to her mom. it can be a really hard spot to be in. im just hoping as she gets older she learns the truth that im not bad and not trying to hurt her like her mom says.
I liked your story, Rachel. Thank you. Very encouraging 🙂
Genia, you are not bad so don’t even spend your time considering it. Don’t let that woman or her daughter’s confusion and natural allegiance define nor confuse you, nor steal from you the beauty of your life; it is God-given.. Be yourself regardless of the spot she is in (either of them)! 🙂 Have fun and do the things that make you happy, even if it’s baking cookies for the kids. And have fun doing things for people who appreciate it now, that give and take, also,. Because you need that. And these kids will remember later, even if they don’t think to say it now, with everything else going on in their heads regardless of this situation:-). Don’t let the kids current reactions, nor speculations about the mother’s behavior define or ruin your life, nor your day. Be the even keel. Its not always easy, but you need it and they will appreciate it. Getting back on course is like driving a car, a boat, or flying a plane: constant little adjustments that ultimately get you to your destination. Its never a straight line. Go to the One Who is alway stable, sane, wise, loving, and just and see yourself and your actions through his eyes instead. He knows where your heart is and that is where your sucess is: in Him. In Someone higher and bigger, wiser, more loving, more sane, something bigger than all the mess going on down here at any given moment. Love, peace, freedom and wisdom I wish and pray for you, as for all of us. Have a lovely day, today!
thank you so much Lagainas for your insight and wisdom. 🙂 I have struggled over the last few years with my 14 yr old stepchild’s actions. He has continuously lied, stolen from me and my husband and done other things not aligned to our values. I am really trying to focus on the positive’s in him and focus on my marriage. I do feel like being a step parent is a no win situation a lot of the time.
Lagainas, thank you for your inspiring words. I do look at god for alot of answers in this and know that he has not put more on my plate than what i can handle it took me a bit to get to this point, but i am there now and no turning back. i love my husband and my step daughter if others cant handle that then that is there problem not mine. when i am a very stronge willed person and my husband is not and i believe that god put us together becouse we needed each other. thank you
I do have my down times, too, ladies. I just want to give you the best of my good days to hold onto :-). I get tested also. Genia, that’s a great attitude. And Jen, for that kid’s sake and you and your husband’s peace, there’s got to be good boundaries, rules, consequences and discipline. Else when you only praise the good and don’t address what’s not, the kid thinks its all good to do. I don’t mean to sound bossy but we deal with issues also and I wish the best for you. Get all the support you need. Things can get better over time. Just try your best to get stronger and be consistent. That kid needs it and so do you. You all deserve more and better. You deserve peace and to be able to trust. That kid deserves to function beautifully in life and not to be a pain in the backside to those around him, as do the ones who will experience him one way or another. You all can win at this! Love, just another girl finding her way.
My problem isn’t the stepchild: my problem is my new husband and the baby mama. Mikaela is 16 years old and lies and manipulates her dad just like her mom does – she is the exact image of her mother! When I try to explain to baby mama how her lack of parenting effects us in our home, she says she understand, will begin disciplining her, and then doesn’t do ANYTHING but buys her a new $200 phone, $40 fingernails every week and lets her do whatever she wants. My husband/her father is passive and doesnt do anything about her awful behavior unless I put my foot down. This kid is failing in 4 classes, her teachers and coaches complain about her horrible attitude, talking back and ghettto acting ways – but her parents do nothing and act like they don’t care. And then she comes into MY home and tries to act the same way. How can I survive with 2 parents who stink at parenting their own child??? HELP!
I believe that the paterns in any family need to be on the same page and especially in a blended family. The children know when you are not and will use that against you.History.. Wife two children, one from divorce, one out of wedlock, both father’s still in picture. Husband three children, mother died 10 yrs ago when youngest was 2. And 1 child together. Husbands oldest daughter continues to drive a wedge between her dad and I. Not 100% her fault, dad should be doing something about it. She no longer lives with us. We built a new home and SHE chose not to move with us so dad allowed her to live in the old house (5 bedroom on 1 acre) until she finishes college. NEVER discussed any of it with me. Mortgage much more than if she went to a dorm. Her choice to be on her own yet dad pays 100% of everything. She has no responsibilities for any of her bills. Dad pays for her cell, her brand new car (her 3rd from us), her car gas, cable, new computer, the list is endless. It’s been like this for over a year now. She graduates finally in May. So we need to try to get the house ready to sell but she and her boyfriend (who she moved into the house without asking) are slobs and my husband is also doing nothing about it.Back a little my husband travels approx 90% of the time, no exaggeration. The wedge she drives between us started when she realized that I needed to take on a different role. Things were fun until my kids and I moved in and dad and I married. Since my husband travelled all the time my role changed to being in charge of all the kids. The oldest fought this right away. My husband said she needs to adjust. I felt we needed to sit with the kids and explain what we expected from all of them. We never did. One thing they needed to know was that I was never going to be able to replace their mother but I am another person in their lives that cares. My husband gave her a curfew and a list of chores. She very often came home very late and didn’t do her chores. I would let him know. She would tell him I was lying. I felt he didn’t believe me because he just let her do what she wanted. I then found out that she was threatening to leave, move in with an aunt or grandpaterns and he said that he was not going to lose her (she was 15ish). Instead he continued to allow her to walk all over me and himself. He said he didn’t care if she walked all over him. She would often tell me that she knew exactly how to get what she wanted from her dad .cry, just do it, or bug him until he relents (which doesn’t take long). We’ve had many discussions over her being manipulative and disrespectful in the home and they all just led to me being the one who didn’t understand her feelings and that I didn’t like her. He said that we should be thankful she’s not out drinking, doing drugs and everyone outside the home thinks she’s great so what is my problem. She has never had to be held accountable for her actions. She totalled my car when she started driving, okay, it happens (and she was not injured) but then he replaced it with a more expensive car for her. Then she had multiple speeding tickets that he paid his lawyer friend to have changed to non-moving violations so as to not have them on her record. He had told her the next time she would have to pay, of course he paid. Same thing with the hundreds of dollars of overages on her cell. From day one he told her that even a penny over she’d have to pay. She went over, he threatened, he paid, she went over, he threatened, he paid, etc. Then the one year she went away to college he gave her our credit card, no limit, just told her it was for school stuff and emergencies. She spent 1000 to 2000 a month. Same pattern dad would threaten to take it away, she promised not to do it, she did it, he paid, he threatened .etc. I didn’t even spend that much taking care of 5 other children!The one day that I was hoping my husband would actually have his attention focused on me was our wedding day. Very small, weekday ceremony. Family and a few very close friends. After the ceremony we went to a small hall for dinner. His daughter told him that she was not coming to the ceremony, and she didn’t. And when she showed up at dinner she (and the other kids) sat at the table with us. I had given all the kids the appropriate style flowers (didn’t think the boys wanted a small bouquet ) and I had hers sitting at her spot for her. During dinner she went to the bathroom for most of it crying and that’s where dad was for a good part also. He then asked her aunt to help him.Does it sound like I’m becoming bitter? Yes, I have become resentful but it has not stopped me from being fair and always there when she needed someone. She had day surgery, I was there before and after. She had her wisdom teeth out, I was there holding her hand. When she was ill, I stayed up with her and was there to clean her up and get her what she needed. When she had bad days, I listened and still do. I just don’t say much because the second I disagree with something she gets upset with me.When dad does (rarely) finally get upset about something and comes down on her a little she breaks out the cards or an email and writes a lengthy, I’m sorry and I really do appreciate everything you do for me note . That, of course, pulls on his heartstrings.Now, is this how it is with the other 2 of his kids. Absolutely not to the extent that it is with his oldest but some what. They are not quite as manipulative but they do seem a little snottier to me when they come back from hanging out with their big sis so I tend to wonder if they won’t soon be filled in on how to work over their dad the way she did/is.After the long, exhausting, talks/arguments/disagreements I have not seen much improvement. We just don’t agree on how they should be raised. Should I just not raise his children? Okay, how does that work when he’s not around and they have no surviving mother? Should I just be like a babysitter and do as he wishes and then I raise my children differently? I don’t feel that would be right to have his kids rules and my kids rules all under the same roof. How did I not see that we were so different? I ask myself that all the time. I wouldn’t have become involved if we didn’t discuss these issues and had many of the same views some how I missed something. I thought we both believed that kids should have responsibility for their actions, consequences. Slowly begin giving them some fiscal responsibilities when they have a job. Not allow the children to use a death or divorce against us or as a way to get something from anyone.There is so much not right with our family a counselor, psychologist, whatever the title may be, would get exhausted trying to muddle through it all. We actually did attempt to see someone. We went once, my husband didn’t like that it seemed the person agreed with what I thought needs to be done. My husband is extremely smart and though he says he’s not perfect, he appears to think that he doesn’t need to change anything.So, in regards to paterns needing to be on the same page or at least letting the kids think you are, I am it’s biggest proponent. As you can see with all I’ve gushed out here as examples of what happens when paterns are not.There is sooo much more but I do need to actually do something and I’ve already taken enough of your time. Thanks to all who read this, I needed to share/vent with people who understand. And thanks to all of you who shared, strangely, it helps when you don’t feel like you’re all alone. Like Martin said, we are hanging in there too, praying hard, it’s all we can do sometimes. Reply
THANK YOU, Adele, for addressing this area. I have found it dficifult to find support out there as most information deals with divorce situations, not death.My situation was 2 fold. The normal anger associated with the healing processes of death, doubled with guilt as the 2 older children (then 18 & 22) did not get along with their mom at all and felt relief after she died .which lead to guilt.My husband did a lot of over compensating because he felt guilty for their pain and loss, which created spoiled, lazy, socially awkward adults. Neither of them can make or keep friends, have ever had a date, or can hold a job. They, like their late mother, are very critical and judgemental. She was bi-polar and very hard on them, so it is learned behavior they pass on to me. The now 26 year old daughter is also clinically depressed with many psychotic tendencies (medicated since 6th grade). They don’t want to grow up after an all expense paid college educations. They still expect every one else to support them because they are victims , especially the daughter. I have to keep reminding myself that the daughter is mentally ill and that she constantly needs grace and understanding, just as with any other illness or disease. I often feel inept in dealing with her illness, as I understand it so little.I moved from Orlando to Illinois to marry for my first time at 48, after meeting my husband on a Christian website. It was dficifult leaving my church and support system and to move into another womans home. I did not initially change her country decorations, though I disliked it greatly, because I did not want the children to feel I was replacing her. I kept her picture up for the first year to honor her and conveyed to them she would always be a part of our lives. I even bought an angel plaque for her for Mothers Day about families that we hang by our front door. Nothing seemed to help. The 26 year old daughter fortunetly lives in Oklahoma, but still, after nearly 5 years, for the most part will not speak to me (which is much more comfortable than when she does have something to say!!!). She is no longer allowed to come home with lists of everything that is wrong with me. The 21 year old son spends summers and weekends with us from college. The 16 year old son is the love of my life. He was only 6 when his mom got cancer and died when he was 11. He was starved for a mom and has been kind and accepting of me since day 1.The only advice I can give is love anyway . It is very hard and is a daily crucifiction of flesh. The Lord reminded me that it is easy to love those who love me, but greater love is to love your enemy and those who persecute me. Without His perfect love, I could not handle it. Some days, I have not handled it well at all, but I dust it off and seek His help for the next day. I send care packages, Easter baskets, cards for every occasion (Valentine’s, Easter, Birthday, etc)encouraging emails, only to be spit at, but with my husbands support and love, I give anyway. NOT because I want to or because they deserve it, but because I love Jesus and am in Covenant with Jesus and my husband in marriage. We have been married over 2 years now, and we think the adult children are realizing that they can’t run me off, as hard as they tried. I am not going anywhere. My husband is VERY supportive, though I live with many double standards. But he lets the adult children know how happy he is and he wishes they would be happy for him past their own selfishness. They have made comments (to him) that they see how happy their baby brother is . the 21 year old son now speaks to me as of this past Christmas. He even wrote me a letter asking me to forgive him for how harshly he has treated me, and THANKED me for all the care packages!!!! The very first time my tears represented joy with these children.Without my husbands attempt to support me, I could not have remained here. I would never divorce, but often wanted to move back to Florida until his kids emotionally grew up and became more independent in thier own lives. For now, we just need to limit the amount of time they spend at home with us. My husband also loves Jesus and we both desire to honor Him in our lives and in our home. THAT is the only way it can work~we have a Higher accountibility and we seek His help and strength together, daily. This is the best we can show the children for their future relationships. It is a challenge for my husband to put me ahead of his kids but he understands God’s Word that WE are ONE FLESH, not his children. Biological parents MUST do this to make a marriage work, and step parents must be willing to sacrifice and serve the children to honor and respect their spouse to make the marriage work. It is a lot of work, but when you know you are in God’s will, you can do anything!I still cry, I still hurt, but for this~I have Jesus .and a man I love very much.Reply
Thank you. I really appreciated reading all of the comments and especially what Lagainas says on March 20. I printed it so I can reread when I am discouraged about being a stepparent. I have two stepdaughters, ages 18 and 16. Their mom passed away when they were 4 and 6. I have one daughter 18. The 16 year old steals from my daughter and from me. IT is very hurtful and has ruined their relationship. My daughter can’t wait to get out of the house, which makes me really sad. I know I have to forgive my stepdaughter, and I have. Though when the stealing has happened time and again, I don’t want a restored relationship with her. I have my guard up. My husband is really sweet to his girls right now cause they are leaving home too, but he is snappy at me. I can’t change other people only myself and enjoy my life. I am trying.
I divorced a year ago and had a step daughter (now 17) and a biological son (age 18). I have been in a relationship for over a year with my best guy friend, who has 3 boys – ages 6, 7, and 12. Two days ago I asked my boyfriend to leave so I can clear my head, as I am frustrated with his boys! I raised my ex-stepdaughter for 11 years and now she doesn’t even talk to me since the divorce with her dad; it really hurt! Could this be why I can’t stand my current boyfriends boys? They irritate me, I have panic attacks knowing they are coming for the weekend, and they are so full of energy (they all have ADHD). I feel downright aweful that I broke my boyfriend’s heart, but I can’t be a stepparent again (I dont think) and raise these boys. There are two separate mothers in my situation. One mother (for age 12) allows her boy to do whatever he wants, whenever and with whoever; no rules. The other mother (for ages 6 & 7) doesn’t spend any time with her boys; these boys have been allowed to do whatever they want. All 3 of these boys disrespect my house and my belongings; their dad (my boyfriend) disciplines them on that but it is so hard! Am I just running scared…or should I really commit to this relationship?
Valerie you might like to check this out if you’re unsure whether this relationship is right for you: http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/preparing-to-blend-part-2/ It looks at the basis of your commitment and helps you assess how well the two of you can work together to meet not only each other’s needs, but the needs of the children brought into your relatioship.
I have a 5 year old step-daughter that I can’t get along with.. everything she does drives me up the wall.. i think i might have some resentment to her she has kicked my 10 month old in the head and tried to suffocate him and has done the same to my nephew countless times… She never leaves anyone alone not even for a few moments.. another thing that really gets under my skin.. I have her 6 days a week.. which i think is totally unfair i don’t even think i agreed to watch her all this time but now im stuck doing it.. I don’t want the responsibility of her all the time. Her bio mom only takes her one day a week even though her daughter wants to go more..I just want to run away and dont know what to do anymore
This morning, after getting into yet another argument with my step-son (18), I decided to look on the Internet and see if I could find some advice. I stumbled on this site and all the posts that have been made. I am fortunate that I don’t have a bio- mom in the picture as his mom has been in prison most of his life, however, this does add a new level of issues. I’ve been told that he doesn’t know what it is like to have a mom and that he is just use to his dad. We have been married for 6 years. My husband and I get along great with the exception of the issues with his son. Over the past 6 years, my step-son has stolen from me, lied to me countless times, has brought drugs into my home and much more. My husbands mom and grandmother have been a thorn in my side from day one, coddling him because he is a poor boy with no mommy! I’m thankful that I found all these posts because it made me realize at the heart of all these issues are hurting kids! I could not imagine losing a parent to death or prison or dealing with an insecure mother who feels the need to manipulate children so that she can feel better about herself! Most days I do not like my step-son, can’t stand the sight of him, but I love him! I’ll be honest, when you are in the middle of a situation, it is very hard to step back and always be the patient, loving “adult” but we ARE the adults and we need to remember that they are kids with fears and anger and hurt that some people won’t experience in a life time. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in this and that is very comforting. Raising someone else’s kids is probably the hardest job on this earth and I am not certain how it will end but I have to remember compassion, patience and a love that can only come from God are the best resources I have right now! I have to set an example to my step-son and my 2 kids that will last their lifetime. Good luck everyone and remember we are not alone!
Awesome attitude Dawn! People have shared some very encouraging experiences.
All I can say is that our husbands/bio parents have not just an equal but a greater responsibility to discipline the children, to set boundaries, revoke privileges for a time, and to stop doing things that enable bad behavior and that put the family in an uproar or causes lots of stress and hardship. Your home is to be a haven of safety, peace and love. Not perfection, but not one that launches these kids into the world behaving badly. And it all starts at home. Other people will have to deal with them and it will be more confusing and difficult for them and other unsuspecting people. The kids may be hurting or confused, and boundaries that are enforced will give them the safety, direction, and loving and firm guidance that they need to navigate all of this and life in the future. Which will affect you and your husbands life in the future as well. Their energy is all over the place and this is the time to insist on respect and better choices while they are at home, or when they come to your home. You can only deal with what happens in your home or affects your home, and you have every right to. You and your husband have a right to peace, and the kids deserve loving boundaries that will bring the family (or at least your home) into harmony. If they are older and choose not to participate, that is their problem/choice and maybe their loss, but the door is always open in/for love and mutual respect, not for bad behavior. The husbands may be at a loss as to where to begin, or how, and how it will help rather than cause them to “lose” their kids. Well, right now, if things are in an uproar and you’re in hell, everyone is losing! Start anywhere and build from there, start having discussions and plans of action for the next time something happens if you were caught off guard. Have a family discussion (as scary as it may seem). I found that what my husband needed, was a plan. He even told me so and felt so much better when he knew what to do and why, by making a plan and seeing the bigger picture and how things weren’t working, after being “in the weeds” for so long. The weeds were blocking his clear view, which can be so easy of a situation to work oneself into as a parent. The principles are the same: everyone gets treated with respect and no one abuses anyone in any way. Everyone takes responsibility for their own behavior. The goal is the same: peace, harmony, respect, and good behavior for their own future. Don’t even make the goal to be good feelings, or love from them; those things can’t come until a lot of the garbage is unallowed and the kids learn to toss it out and make better choices. Remember any bright moments and praise them to your husband, and it will help open his eyes and lighten the load and energize him (and you) for the future. Momentum. Helping him see that he will probably get push back and even manipulation and blame from the kids at first on any issue, because they are used to things “operating” in a certain way and with them being more in control. But yall are the adults, y’all pay the bills, and probably everything they own is because you gave it to them. There are many or certain things they are not to be in control of, like the tone of your home and your finances, for instance. Their focus of control needs to be on their OWN behavior, their own interactions and their own finances and any other responsibilities that you should not carry or have to bear at some appropriate point. The goal is how to make them responsible adults for their future and respectful people now, and they will see how everything works better and feels better that way; you just have to stick to your guns. Boundaries say what is yours and not yours, what you will and won’t do or allow, and keeps your rights in mind also, and says it’s not
alright for them to trample them, nor for you to trample their responsibilities. We’re there as
“Steps,” to support and help parent more behind the scenes. It all works when husband and wife make their relationship not just a priority, but first before the kids, and just under our relationship with God. THAT is “honoring our marriage.”..to listen, to discuss, to plan, to not just take your heart into consideration, but to make it a priority. You are not there to be used or abused or even ignored. Set THAT boundary with all of them, everyone, now. You are worth it. You’re all worth better, even if it’s hard to see how it will get better right now, but it will. Take care of you, first. You can’t have clarity, peace or energy without it. You can’t reduce damages until you take control of what is yours, and that is you, your life, your health, your sanity, your needs, your peace. Then, it will spill out and affect other things and your interactions.
I hope any of this helps. Much love.
“Give love anyway.”. I like that, Liz!!! 😀
Hello and thank you for all the information I’ve gotten off this web site but I think we need more help. Can I get some kind of a contact phone number so that we can get more of the help we need to try to fix the problems we are having???
I have been married to my husband for over a month. We blended my three kids and his 2 daughters together making us a family of 7! Actually, it’s been awesome 97% of the time and the only problem is his 12 year old daughter. The bio-mother of his girls left them all 10 years ago, she lives an hour away, only sees them about once every 3 months (hasn’t seen the oldest since Christmas), never attends anything at school or ball games, didn’t call on birthdays, or attend a surgery (or even call) the oldest had. His oldest has accepted her mom is not to be counted on and is just fine living w/ my husband and I as her parents. However, the 12 year old is constantly negative and moody. She spends a lot of time being reprimanded by her father because of her bad attitude. She is always eager to participate in the “fun stuff” but is never grateful or appreciative of anything I do for her. We treat all 5 kids equally and fairly and have the same expectations, discipline style, and rules all across the board. She refuses to accept her mother is a looser (for lack of a better word) therefor she is missing out on the family she does have. I am at a loss…
Hi Jeff, for more information, confidential and professional support you can check out the Blending Lives Program here: https://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/details2/
My adult step son has major issues…been in and out of jail, lies, steals. We have other children between us and he has been our only issue the past 15 years. His dad raised him after the divorce and the bio mom took the other kids out of state. He was always a handful, in and out of juvenile hall and in trouble at school. We didn’t marry until he was over 18 and at the time, we were fine. Then, he became angry and verbally abusive toward me. I told him I wasn’t trying to be his mom and that we needed to be cordial for his dad’s sake. He told me no we didn’t and that I would do something to p@@s him off so all ties were essentially broken. His dad is very protective over him since he didn’t grow up with a mom and overcompensates. Again, he is in and out of jail and has never had a healthy relationship of his own. I think he is bipolar and needs therapy but he refuses. I know I shouldn’t make his dad choose between us, but it is hard when someone is so mean and hurtful to most family members. Plus, he is in his late 20’s so he should deal with his anger issues before he ends up in jail for life.
I don’t really have anything to complain about like everyone on here. I have a beautiful family, and no ex’s in the background to muddle everything up. The kids do fine with us, and we are loved by each. I do have a 12 year old boy, matched with a 4 year old girl however (which is a big difference to begin with), and my boy is Autistic and has never had a kid around him before. He has no problems with adults at all, but has no idea how to behave around kids. She has absolutely no problem with him at all, but it is hard to work with him on putting them in the same room, or on outings. This is a situation that I have never seen yet, and have no idea how to work through it. I’m lucky, I know, don’t get me wrong. I just would like to know how to get a 4 year old and a 12 year old to be able to work together.
Hello All…I have come to what I think is my breaking point today! I am a young married mother of 2 and step-mother to 1. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, in the relationship for 7. My step-son was not in the best situation when we first got together (he was 5). Mother was a drunk and barely took care of him and her other daughter. He had to repeat the 1st grade due to her lack of parenting. He has made it to the 7th grade even though he failed all his classes all year long. His father and I took responsibility and had my step-son move in with us. Now that bio-mother has shipped off her daughter to live with my husbands aunt (weird/ridiculously supportive; really blows my mind. All ties should have been cut out of respect for our new relationship/family but, I’m not mad not) I guess the bio-mother was lonely and now has 3 children 2 with no fathers but, she only has to financially support the one which she receives state funding to take care of. In the beginning she completely disrespected me in front of my step-son (at her house) all the time. I think now that he is older he feels he doesn’t have to respect me it hurts to know that but, we live peacefully for the most part no big issues other thank attitude/grades. I have a different issue than the ones listed…My husband does not express respect of the time and energy I put into this childs life nor does the bio-mother thus the step-child doesn’t either. I have pointed this out numerous times over the last couple of years only to be shut-down. I feel like I am in my own little bubble and my children that I gave birth to suffer because of it. I don’t want to divorce. I love my husband, he is my soulmate, my everything. I wish the whole situation would go away. Since we can’t kick him out I feel forced to leave in order to get away from this but, not being with my husband would depress me more. I am udderly and completely torn. I have already tried disconnecting myself from the child but, that incurred more problems. Stay or go? I need to know if I am fighting a loosing battle or if this is something I can conquer- HELP! I can’t take it anymore!!!!
Wow… Reading all these posts are overwhelming.
My story is a little strange, I have been with my man for almost 4 years now. I did not go through a divorce my husband passed away 6 years ago. The man I am with now, was man from my past. We dated as teenagers.
He dated a woman and she got pregnant they stayed together for the daughter and when she was 8 they got married. Their marriage lasted for 4 years . The daughter and my man had a great relationship always spending time together.
When we got together I didn’t introduce my 4 kids to him until he was committed to me. We have gotten engaged and share a home together.
The ex wife tried to bash my fiancee to me but he is very different with me. He respects me plain and simple.
Things started to go down hill after the daughter n my kids were getting disciplined differently. There would b rules to follow at our house. But when the daughter went to her mothers for the weekend all the rules we agreed upon the three of us went out the window. The ex would call to see if she could change the punishment and would make us out to be the bad people. My kids don’t have another place to go on alternate weekends. When you get in trouble you have to be responsible for your own actions.
This went on for months. Now the daughter is a college student and has isolated her father and hasnt been to our house in over a year. She is now trashing my children. Bullying them and trashing them on all social media. She hates us. Blames us for her lack of vacations. The mother moved to the adjacent state while the daughter still attended hs n allowed her to live with her boyfriends parents.
I could go on and on with examples of the disrespect that has been tolerated. Respect is one of the traits I insist upon. My children have been raised to respect themselves and others.
I think her father and I have been a yin/yan with raising them. Where I fall short he picks up. We talk about raising our children with ease is raising our kids out of guilt for the short comings in their lives. We all are guilty of that. We can’t be their friends while parenting them. Grounding the kids hurt me more than them at times but they need to learn right from wrong.
At this point I don’t know what to do . He is crushed not having her around. Depressed and subdued.
Where did we/I go wrong ?? Will anything be repaired ? What’s the next step ?
My 14 year son and boy friend constantly bump heads. My son doesnt care about bounderies and my boy friend doesn’t know when to stop with the bantering. Sometimes I feel that my son is sabotaging my relationship with my boy friend whom we are planning to marry in the future. My boy friend is a strong will person and so is my son. My boy friend can not let things go. He will come back and re-approach a conversation that I thought was done hours ago. My son who thinks he can say what he wants and thinks he can have the last word doesn’t respect the boundaries. I am in constant battle with both of them. I am divorced from my sons father and he has never had a father figure in his life. It seems like when someone comes in my life that can fulfill this missing link he is very resistant. I try to neutral and fair to both sides but I feel like I am failing and any relationship that I may have with anyone will fail because of him. Please advise.
Hi my first husband passed away when my son was 2. When my son was 4 I meet my current husband and we moved in together after 6 months and married 4 years leater. My son and my husband get along great and my son considers him dad. My husband had a son of his own when we meet from a first marriage and he’s son was 18 when we meet. I have always gotten along well with him and I still do sometimes. The problem is my husbands son married 4 years ago and they have 2 children together now his wife had been so disrespectful to me and has tried in so many ways to have my husband spend more time with them and break up my marriage. She has come on to my husband and when I tell her how disrespectful she is to me she tells me that i’m being rude to her and mean and she runs to her husband which in turn tells my husband his dad that she is so sensitive and she can’t take me being mean to her.When we go out to dinner she only talks to my husband and not me , when she comes over to my house I have to turn into cinderella and watch her kids while she sits and chit chats with her husband and mine.It seems that whenever she comes over her back gets stiff and she needs to strech on the floor in front of my husband with verry short shorts on and spread her legs in front of him to show him her goods. Once she war wearing a so very low cut blouse and she fell asleep on my sofa in front of my husband and while she was sleeping one of her breasts just happened to pop out of her shirt. My step son tells his dad that if I ever have a problem with her to tell her but every time I do then her husband gets involved and she doesn’t speak to me for weeks and nor does my step son. By the way she hates my stepson’s mom my husbands ex wife so I know its not coming from there.She feels that we should give a lot of gifts and monetary gifts to her children and I feel that we should give what we can and as much as it’s realistic for grandparents to give. I don;t feel we owe my stepson anything since when my husband married me his son was like 24 years old and when hid dad got divorced from hos mom he left him a huge home 10 acres of land cars and all sorts of 4 wheelers. I feel that we should take care of my son now until hes 18 when he can get his inheretance from my first husband and then when he has kids treat both sets of grandkids the same and worry about us me and my husband and do things we want to do take trips and see some of the world and let our kids take care of their own kids and just do the grandparent thing. But how do I deal with this step daughter in law she is stressing me out so bad and
I’m ready to walk away from this marriage and let them be one happy family. Please give advice on what to do. She insults me she wount eat food I cook I’m not included in any family pictures with the grandkids she puts me down ans just abusive constantly. Thank you
Wow am I thankful to find this thread. I am so overwhelmed but let me start by saying I am engaged to a man with 4 from 1st wife. I badly wanted my own but seems after my last surgery this will not happen, so I do try to treat them as if they are my own but cautiously. The dad and I have been together 6 Years they are now 13 15 17 19 and two of each. We live in a different state and have them at various times. Over the summer we had the 2 girls one i get a long with great she likes to call me mom, the other is off and on and always competing for dad s. attention. I try to ignore it, but one she looks just like her mom and two she always does the dad remember when you and me and mom thing?? I give them space respect and love but when they go home don’t bother with me at all. Now we have the son living with us he is very sweet but hard to get close to. Also recently my fiances grandmother passed i desperately wanted to go but could only afford for him to go, next thing I know there is photos on facebook with him his daughters and ex wife, like why would they post those they live right there and never bothered with the family. Now not only did I feel bad for no being able to go but let’s have some respect right? A lot of them are divorced and in other marriages and I would not post pics of them and their exes. I know at One time she knew them but never close, I’ve been the one going for th last 6 years. But I did not say a word. The girls also postin pics of mom and dad together. How are you expected to feel. I want to be the one to comfort him and he’s miles away. Now the oldest daughter want to move with dad when she graduates she tried this before too saying she just wanted to live with dad alone and I let them but it didn’t last long she wanted to go back home. Mainly I want them to know they can try if they want but I love him and can give him what no one else can and I make him happy, but he also has a hard time telling them our love is different from theirs. He is 40 I am 32 I really want this to work I keep saying only a few more years and they’ll be grown and out but until then please reply
Interesting read .. all of the above. My query is more in light of the adult kids. I’ve been dating my man for 3 years. I’m 50, he’s 55. My girls are 18 and 21 and adore him. His kids are 19, 31 and 34 – and (as I’ve read in the above), are disrespectful, rude, ignore me and my kids etc. My ex, his new wife and I communicate alright. My boyfriend has been divorced for over 18 years, and I know that has alot to do with why his kids don’t like me. I take away his time from their every wish being granted. His daughter wrote me a letter calling me every name under the sun. Dad quit speaking with her for a month, but now she’s back in his life and all as it was before. I too, am thinking about walking away, I love him very much. But his parenting of his adult kids, well, it’s not. I’m at a loss. I know I can only control my own reactions and actions, have tried live and let live, have tried TOO hard, and now don’t try at all..these are ADULTS. The disfunction was there way before me.. but again, I do love this man and would like to spend the rest of my life with him. Is there anyway, to teach his kids to respect his choices as a man? I know that seeing one’s dad in light of a ‘man’, isn’t easy. I went through this exact thing myself. My dad remarried a woman I didn’t care for, and same with my mom’s new partner. But they are adults, and I will respect their choices. … any ideas?
Hi. I need some advice ASAP. I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years and Me and my 10 year old Daughter moved in his home 2 years ago with him and his 23 year old son. His son does work but does nothing else. His room is filthy, dirty plates everywhere, I’ve had to buy 2 new sets of forks since I’ve got here. My cups and played disappear. He sleeps all day and plays video games on his days off and blows thru his money like nothing. Pays no rent, does not do any chores. My boyfriend will even do his laundry and says its to save money on the water bill. He has his 23 year old girlfriend here ALL THE TIME. They sit in his bedroom for days in the basement. I have argued with my boyfriend many times that he needs to start getting his son ready to get out on his own and he’s not helping him by ignoring the fact that he’s doing nothing. I am at my wits end. I’ve been told its not my place since I do not pay any household bills here ( only my own and I work and support my daughter) but I don’t pay household bills. I do take very good care of ” our” home. I purchase things for it, buy food and have made it a very cozy lovely home. My boyfriend says he doesn’t want any money from me when I have offered. I don’t know if I have the right to push the issue with his son since I don’t pay anything either what are my rights? We are eventually planning to marry but he says he isn’t ready. He’s a great man to me and is great to my daughter. His son is the only problem. I’m tired of the way he lives and has no respect for us. He doesn’t say hello when he walk in. Him and his dad have no relationship. It’s like he stays in the basement and its become an out of sight out of mind situation. I’m tired of seeing the scum in his room. I’m tired of his girlfriend being here all the time. Things have to change. Am I wrong to be concerned? Should I have a say so ? Someone help!
Wow the questions running through my head reading some of these are, while you are professing you love this guy so much, is he loving you? The fact that he is allowing anyone to treat you rudely (to say the least) does not say so to me. Why are you making him your world if he allows that? If you had a home “of your own,” would you allow people to treat you that way in it, or show them the door? Boundaries, people. You’re not the nanny nor the maid. Where’s your dignity; where’s your strength? It doesn’t come from this guy who gives you some attention and puts a roof over your head; stop being grateful for that you are not a child nor an alley dog. If you work and/or make a home, you don’t need some guy, some guy like this, to make it valid. Yeah you may feel bad for not standing your ground and making your life better and letting him make his choices that were ultimately running you into the ground and sucking the life out of you, but guilt or fear is not a basis/foundation for a relationship under any circumstance. Nor is confusion and constant pain and disrespect.
My dad and Mom divorced when I was under a year old. My dad and my stepmother and my stepsister drove two and half hours every other weekend until I was around thirteen to come see my brothers and i. It stopped when as teenagers…we didnt want to do it anymore. My dad and stepsister and stepmother and my brothers and I always had our Christmas on Christmas eve when we were children. I moved out here when… I was 18. I am fourty two. We have kept the Christmas tradition of Christmas Eve is our Christmas. My mother still lived in the same state we grew up on. Its two and half hours a way. She came every other weekend as my father did when we were children to come see us. She came on Christmas Day to spend her Christmas with us… She like my dad and stepmother and bonnie spent her holiday driveing.. I am fourty two.. She has been doing this for.. 24 years? So.. she has actually done it longer than my dad did. My stepmother insist that Christmas Eve is THEIRS They did it when we were kids.. She has basically insinuated that no christmas for you if you dont come to our house on Christmas eve. Im disabled and financiallly dependednt on both sets of parents. My thinking is…. twenty four is more than 18.. and as children we had no imput on the arrangement… they also were seeing my Grandparents and Aunt those Christmas Eves… It wasnt totally a sacrifice just for us. How do i put the guilt trips to a final end. If I go to their Christmas Eve… I do not see my mother on CHristmas.. not on the eve not on the day.. My mother NEVER pulled that… What do i say?
By the way.. the whole no Christams for you… Eye Roll.. Its my mother… I just thought that was a very childish and empty threat… so what??? My mother is worth more than any gift.