Feelings of resentment
Adele Cornish, BSW
I recently received an email from a stepmother who is wondering if other people have experienced similar feelings she has been having regarding her stepdaughter. She wants your help. Here’s what she says:
“I love my step daughter and have always worked very hard to have a good relationship with her. This year I had my first child and we were all very excited but ever since my daughter has been born I find myself resenting my step child. I am surprised and confused by these feelings. I love her and I feel so ashamed I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. When my husband talks about how our child is just like her sister I find myself feeling angry that our child is not recognised in her own right. When I hear “Oh you’re just like your sister or your sister was exactly the same or you look just like your sister” I feel irritated. I never imagined that I would have these feelings. I am hoping this will pass and I just wondered if anyone else has had this happen to them or what they did to overcome it. I want my family to be a loving good place for both of our children to grow up in. Any advice would be welcome.”
To offer some help and encouragement, please reply below. You can remain annonymous if you prefer.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. Thanks for taking the time to offer your support during what can be a lonely experience.
UPDATE!
Find out what this stepmother thought of these reponses by clicking here
p.p.s. Remember to enter your name and email to receive tips and advice for yourself!
My opinion is you are feeling like your husband isn’t validating you as being part of your own child, as no matter how much you try, your step daughter isn’t yours. However; for your husband both of the children are his, he loves them absolutely dearly, purely innocently and rightly he is showing unconditional love to both.
I would recommend talking about this with your dr., depending on how young your daughter is, it could be your hormones, lack of sleep etc making you a little bit more sensitive.
Hi, I have certainly felt these feelings so please don’t feel alone on this. I have a 13 year old step child and two children of my own to my step childs father and as was fine with his child until I got pregnant with my child then all of a sudden I was thinking that my step child was a inconvenience, that my child also wasnt getting recognition. I also heard his grandmother say that my child was exactly like my step child and I was so mad about that!!! All I can advise is that in time you find a way to incorporate the step child into the structure some way. It may not be in the way it used to be, but I try to remind myself that the step child is also going through a transition stage and has conficting emotions. It isnt easy -trust me!!!!!!!! I know I didnt offer anything constructive but just wanted you to know that your not alone and its something I still struggle with 🙂
I know exactly how you’re feeling. I e perienced the exact same feelings when I had my first child. I didn’t get as many references to my step-son and step-daughter resembling my newborn baby boy, but internally I was very upset. It’s been 4 years and I also have a second child. I think I can co fidently look back at that time and say my feelings of resentment towards my step children were largely based in my own expectations. I married a man with children. When I had my own child I expected my feelings of competition with my step-children to go away. I expected that my child would be the center of attention for once. Something I felt like I had been short-changed by marrying a man with kids. I was never the center of his world. I wanted at least that much for my child(ren). Now I have come to realize that this problem was all mine. No one knew what was in my head and I had a very hard time explaining my feelings. Time definetly helps, so don’t give up. If your husband is treating all children equally then try to relax. Let yourself feel the resentment, but try not to take it out on your husband or the kids. Over time, hopefully, you’ll see how wonderful all of the kids get along and you’ll feel more confident in yourself and your own childs worth, regardless of what anyone says or does! I really hope your situation turns out similar to mine. It really is wonderful to see your chidren have so many people, including their half-siblings, care and love them so much. It really can be better than an ‘intact’ family. Best of luck! I hope it helps!
You say you love your step daughter so I don’t understand your resentment. You probably still adjusting to the birth of biological daughter and the dynamics of the new situation. Your husband is equally proud of you all and his new family
It sounds like you are a fantastic step-mum, and you should feel very proud of the loving relationship you have with your step-daughter. As step parents, I think those of us who develop strong bonds with our step-kids can be overly hard on ourselves when we don’t always feel the kind of “unconditional” love that we feel for our biological children. I have come to accept that the feelings we have for our step-kids are not supposed to be the same as those we have for our biological children. Your step-daughter has a mum and a dad who have the same unconditioanl love for her as you have for your little daughter. Your step-daughter also has the bonus of a loving step-mum who has a genuine desire to be a positive influence in her life, without pretending to be her mother. I’m guessing your husband doesn’t have step-children, and so he doesn’t have first hand experience with the different types of “love” that you feel for a bilogical child and a step-child. The fact that he sees you as one family is a credit to you and your quality as a step-mum. Whether you raise these feeling with your husband or not is up to you. Either way though, the feelings you have are entirely normal. Congratulations on the strong blended family you have built and I wish you all the best.
i think your feelings, while surprising to you, are absolutely valid. don’t forget that there are always two sides to our feelings/emotions, but we don’t always acknowledge that. just because you love someone does not mean that there are never negative associations! especially if this is YOUR first child, it makes sense that you would be irritated by associations to the step daughter since you were not involved in her life that early so you cannot understand the comparisons. in a way, you may feel you and your daughter are being deprived of the wonder of your “firsts”. your husband is NOT doing this intentionally, because both girls are his. i think your feelings are quite normal, but because you love your husband and step-daughter, it’s “not OK” in your mind to have these thoughts. that is why you feel ashamed, BUT YOU ARE NOT A BAD WIFE/MOTHER/STEP-MOM FOR FEELING THIS WAY!!! hopefully you have a good friend who you can share this with (maybe even your hubby). and know that your family and friends will be able to help you bask in the glow of “firsts” with you and your baby…while still loving your step-daughter.
I do understand your feelings. As step parents quite often we feel like we don’t have anyone who is solely ours. No matter how much we love this child he/she will always be someone else’s child and we will always be the step parent. When we finally have a child of our own we want and need a period of celebrating this momentous event. Yes, it seems terrible when we think about the fact that we’re upset because we don’t feel like our child (and probably ourselves) is going to ever get the chance to be celebrated solely for being our child – but it’s not terrible – it’s natural. The greatest part of this is once you recognize it, discuss it with your husband and together with your husband celebrate your child with no comparisons to detract from the excitement – you won’t need it anymore.
Give yourself a break and know that your feelings are natural. If you’re like most step parents you’re the one who compromises the most so it’s completely natural that you would want one time that you don’t have anything or anyone detracting from your joy.
I would only worry if it continues for a great amount of time AFTER you talk to your husband and you work out ways for you to celebrate your new child for a while without comparisons.
I have a step son he was 7 when i had my 1st child . My daughter is 6 now. I had the exact same feeling as you after she was born I had people saing she look like her brother and stuff like that and it really made me mad . I felt like how can she have a brother when she is my only child. Now that she is 6 years old my feeling hasnt changed . You have to talk to your husband and let him know how you feel otherwise it will break up your marrage. You have to let him know how you feel and to remind him that his child is not yours. Also you have to spend time alone with your husband and your baby with his child interfering , your need to bond with your own child. Your step daughter is a half sister to your child not a sister , there is a big difference, My step son is 15 now so he is starting to have his own life now and is less defendant on my wife ,so its becoming easier for me to deal with now.
In all honesty the feeling never goes away you just have to talk to your husband and deal with it.
Try not to worry about it just concentrate on bringing up your own child in a good way and keep the family together. You dont want your own child in a broken home also.
Hi – I really admire the relationship you seem to have built with your step daughter – this is not an easy task at all ( I am trying so hard with my own step daughter and step son) and that is wonderful …however I do feel you may possibly need to acknowledge that your own child even though it is your first does have a sister regardless of who her actual mother is then you would not be upset by comments – ‘you are like your sister’..your daughter is the first child for you but not however the first for your husband..it sounds like your husband is providing unconditional love to both of them and not placing one ahead of the other – that mentality in itself is great….no child is then the favoured one (as that can set up other very nasty rivalry issues later) ….
My father encouraged all of us – as 3 children from two separate marriages – that we are family and we do help each other etc regardless of who the parent is.
I saw my own (2nd) step mother go through this when my little half brother was born – she wanted her only child to be considered ‘the only one’ – then it felt like the children form the previous marriage were almost discounted by her as we were not hers – her son was always the priority – this hurt us alot……and to rationalise her actions – I guess my own brother and myself from my fathers first marriage could possibly impact on anything her son may or may not inherit later.
This attitude all softened once we grew up – thank goodness and as siblings we are tight – we have a fab relationship!!!!!
I think we all underestimate the primate part of our psyche. The parts of our nature that reacts instinctively to nurture and develop your own pure offspring a dna relection of ourselves that perhaps we bond with via pheromones and the like. It is probably very normal for you to have these feelings as they are probably part of the drive to ensure the survival of you own offspring. While growing up on a sheep station in Central Otago NZ I would frequently witness lambs rejected by other mothers if the lambs mother had died. To fool the mother we sometimes had to take the pelt of a dead lamb and layer it like a jacket onto the lamb we hoped to graft to another mother so that the mother was tricked into smelling and accepting the lamb as there. own. At a certain level perhaps we underestimate power of this natural bond. But with one big difference. We are human and we have a choice. By educating ourselves and being aware of our own natural tendencies we can choose not to knee jerk react without really knowing why we’re doing it and choose to put those feelings aside (not always easy) and love the kids equally. Hope these thoughts help.
I THINK THAT MAYBE BECAUSE THE STEPCHILD DOES NOT HAVE THE SAME PARENTS IT OFFENDS YOU THAT HE WOULD SAY THEY LOOK ALIKE AND YOU DON’T WANT YOUR BABY LINKED WITH THE EX-WIFE. HE DOES LOVE THEM BOTH. YOU WANT YOUR BABY TO BE YOURS AND HIS.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your feelings are valid. The best thing to happen to me so far as a step-mother was for me to read a book by Wednesday Marten called Stepmonster. Sounds awful, but trust me…it was a very liberating experience. Order it today! Your baby is yours and although the girls share a father, they don’t share a mother and this comment isn’t flattering to a stepmother, nor does it acknowledge that they were conceived from completely different unions. I know I try to separate myself from his past in many ways and this comment does not allow you to do that. Inside you are screaming, ‘She doesn’t look anything like her!’ (I’ve been there)
I do agree. I have my own (2) now teengers (their father passed) now starting over with new father and twins now 3. It is different when children are not your own. some people handle it differently some more sensitive than others. I feel as long as everyone feels they are part of the family and loved is #1, together each family can make it together, day to day may be a struggle but there must be love, for each person in each family.
It is hard but all efforts will pay off in the long run. Good luck and pray each day.
As I read your message it was almost as though I had written it myself! I also have the same issue. My daughter is 14 months now and I don’t know how to get past the resentment. I know its crazy but it just happens. I am not sure how to overcome the feelings. Lately I have also noticed that I am trying to fault my step daughter. I generally feel tense when she is at our house and relaxed when she is at her mothers. I don’t like the way I feel sometimes and I don’t know what else to do.
Very reaffirming to know that these feelings are natural and experienced by many. I love my stepkids heaps but have struggled to come to a balance between my one and bump on way and different needs of the older kids. Don’t feel too guilty – if anything we make more of an effort when feeling like this to show the stepkids we value them. Blended families have such different issues than normal families but great to feel that we can talk and discuss these issues.
You are not alone, and I think your feelings are valid! when my son was born, my husband’s daughter was very resentful and it took many months for her to finally accept her little brother. But she always pointed out that he was ONLY A HALF BROTHER. And as they got older she still treated him in mean and selfish way. I was the one who actually tried to make connections between the visual or behavioral resemblances to try to get her accept him as her brother. After many years ( she is 23 and he is 14) they have become friends and even siblings. Her dad and I could not stay together due to many problems but I am glad that the two siblings have eachother. I dont think you need to talk to your daughter about this, but do try to communicate with your hubby. You are a fortunate step-mom if you actually feel love toward your step daughter and you are probably a good parent and good person. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband and it will work itself out.
There are negative sides to having stepchildren. After 20 years, I love my stepchildren. My husband and I have a daughter of our own who is 12 years old. When I die someday, she will be spending the remainder of her life with her stepsiblings and she’ll have someone to reminisce with about her father and I and I want her to feel like she is completely a part of them and she is not alone. I want her to celebrate that she has these wonderful people (siblings) that were brought about by the tragedy that is divorce. She is 12 and has 4 nephews and 1 niece already. My husband is 12 years older than me and had 4 children from a previous marriage. Everything your feeling is, to me, normal. Just remember to do what is right and just, regardless of what you feel. What if your child were the stepchild? How would you want his/her stepmother to treat them? All that stepchild is – is one more person to adore your child. My daughter is on a trip right now and she is miserable with one of the people on the trip. Her consolation prize that is keeping her going? A visit with her stepsister (who, by the way, talked with her on the phone last night and made her feel much better) and her 4 year old son to the movies when she gets back.
Being a stepparent is very hard work. Having a newborn is very hard work. Give yourself some time to adjust, but please celebrate that your little baby already has a special bond with another child. I bet your stepchild is going to tell him/her all about the day he/she was born, first did this and that. How cute will that be?? I guess sometimes my situation has been so upsetting for me that I did my best to see all the positives in it for my daughter and it’s been a 50/50. 50 percent of the positives have happened that I hoped for. The other 50 percent? Well, I just keep on praying:)
I also know exactly how you are feeling- the only difference being I have always felt resentful towards my step-daughter! And it makes me feel like I am an awful person.
Since having my own daughter, the feelings of resentment have subsided somewhat as our weekends do not now purely revolve around her, but also revolve around my 9 month old. Her step-sister is also good with her.
But like the last writer, I have found myself getting more tense when she is around and relieved when she leaves.
I do not love her, but like her. I love my daughter more than anything in the world. It is a natural love than requires no effort. Feel more than ‘like’ for my step-child is an effort.
I feel guilty about this but its the truth. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to remove the feelings I have. I wish I could offer you some advice.
All I can say it, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!
I can so relate. I feel so much guilt because I can’t love my step child. Infact I struggle to even like her some days. She is 4yrs and not at fault in any of this however I feel she is an inconvienience and she is my partner’s past but somehow my future. I don’t have any advice but would like you to know when I hear people say they love their step children I wonder how they do it. I have 2 children of my own who I love so deeply. I just can;t love another women’s child the same. I wish it was possible I don’t think it is. Good luck.
I can relate to how your feeling. There is so much to cope with when you have a new baby that you get easily wound up by these sorts of comments. I found it hard being told that my baby looked just like my step son when he was a baby. Also, I just wanted more time for my baby to spend with just myself and partner. These feelings have passed and I’m happy that my baby has a big brother who cares for her very much.
Oh bless your heart! Firstly congratulations on the birth of your first child, a baby girl how wonderful!
I do understand your feelings as a parent and a step parent. My Partner and I have six children between us, I have three from earlier and he has two. Together we have one. All the children are still living at home with us apart from the eldest who has gone off to start her own family. When our little one was born the first thing my partner said was that she looked just like her older brother, his son! We then went home and my partner’s family arrived on mass to meet the new arrival and all said she was just like her brother. My family arrived and guess what; they all said she looked just like my partners son! I was not happy – not that I showed it. I didn’t want my baby compared to his children any more than I guess he would have wanted her compared to mine. And there lies the answer. She is our first but she is also our sixth (his third and my forth). Our daughter is almost 4 and she is like all of her siblings in so many ways, the little looks she gives sometimes, her mannerisms, her hands and feet. Our older girls (both his and mine) now say did I do that or I remember doing just that. And whilst our daughter may take after my partners side of the family in looks (and I do see his ex wife in his children). Our daughter is a complete mix of US. The bits we compare are OUR genetic roots the bits WE have passed on. So my advice is embrace the comparisons between your daughter and your stepdaughter they are your husband’s share of their gene pool. And whilst there will be similarities both girls are unique, wonderful and special just as they were intended to be. And as for loving the children, I do – but I do not love my stepchildren in the same way. A parent’s love for their child is unconditional. The act of loving someone else is something we must learn and choose to do every day.
Clare
It is very helpful to read your comments. I am in the same situation. I have 2 step children, teenagers & a 2 year old daughter with my husband. I do care, deeply about my step children, however I do not love them the same way I do my own daughter. I do not feel bad about this as I do not expect them to love me the same way they do their own mother. They do not care about me in the same way, that they do their mother, which is natural.
I don’t feel resentful towards my step children as they are a big part of who my husband is but I do explain to my husband that i need my own family time. As long as the 3 of us have some special family time, it is then easier for me when the step children visit.
I also like Julie’s comments. My step daughter adores my daughter and I do think as they both grow older there could be a special bond especially if we only have one child.
However I am having a nightmare with my step son, 18 years old. He can be rude, grumpy & unsociable. When he gets into one of his moods, I ignore him, but this seems to make things worse. When I have spoken to other friends, with teenager boys, they say, they are all like this. But my step son is only like this with me and after a recent incident we are no longer talking which is causing my husband stress. If you have any advise on how to handle teenager step sons, please let me know !!
I know exactly how you feel. I loved my step-daughter. When I got pregnant with my first child I started to resent both her and her dad. My pregnancy was so exciting and so important to me…and my husband had already shared that exciting, intimate experience with someone else. I was angry we weren’t learning to be parents together. I don’t think I stopped loving my step-daughter after the baby was born, I just realized that my love for my step-daughter could never be as strong as for my own flesh and blood. You cannot have the same emotional connection with a step-child, I honestly do not think it is possible. I still loved my step-daughter, but when my baby was 4 months old, she started to verbally abuse her (screaming in her face). As my daughter has gotten older, the verbal abuse has now also become physical abuse. My step-daughter pushes my daughter down, trips her, pinches, hits, etc. She has not severely hurt my daughter, but I fear she may some day so I can never let them out of my sight…and we have my step-daughter 24/7! I can now honestly say I no longer love my step-daughter. After seeing her hurt my innocent baby, it is not possible for me. I resent her for being so mean. I resent her for hurting my baby, I resent her for being an inconvenience and I resent her for her issues that she takes out on me and my daughter. Now I also have a baby boy and the situation with my step-daughter only continues to worsen. I’m sorry her mom doesn’t want her, I’m sorry she has to share her dad with me, I’m sorry she isn’t the only child anymore, I’m sorry she has problems…but I am tired of her problems being my problems so I have distanced myself from her. I no longer parent her, I make my husband do it himself. I parented her for 6 years when her own mom didn’t want her and she still purposely won’t even tell me happy birthday. I am done, I don’t like her and I never will. I have decided it is easier to accept my feelings than feel ashamed of them. They are what they are. I hope your step-daughter doesn’t abuse your kids like mine does.
I had more or less the same problem, I was having huge issues with my step daughter rejecting my daughter when she was born, this was creating annomosity and recentment between us.
For years I battled this feeling, I would do whatver I could to avoid her since I felt my marriage was being compromised from her behavior. I just couldn’t take her insensitivy and rejection any longer.
If your step daughter geniuinely loves your daugther, that is all that matters. It is a great sense of relieve to know that your daughter will not be alone when you are no longer in this word.
No matter how much you want to, you can never love your step children the same as your own, it is impossible, they have a mother and are raised differently , but you can be their friend and eventually develop a love for them.
The rest is nonsense, if you think about it, they are all your husband’s children and he sees and loves them all the same. Of course, he will see his gene pool in them and remark accordingly, your step daughter is the only benchmark. Focus of on the blessings you have and the gift you have been provided.
Don’t let jelously and possesiveness ruin your relationship with your step daughter, at the end, you will acknowledge how insignificant this issue was and regret your actions.
Respect and have a love for her, make sure the girls love each other and the rest will follow.
I was told recently that “being a step parent is a thankless job”.. You do and do for children and do not receive the satisfaction of doing for your child and they won’t show you appreciation until they are older. I have three small children and my husband one small child. I think that this touches on your issue because the bond and love that you have developed with your step child will never compare to how you will love and bond with a natural child …. and it is not your fault or her fault, it is just the way nature is…. As a mother you have a natural instinct to protect and shelter your child and on some level the step child takes away some of the love and security from your child as she shares the father — I don’t think any of this is conscious — I believe it is all subliminal… I know how I feel myself whenever I think my husband is favoring his daughter — it poses as a direct threat to my children’s emotional life and I usually go right to their rescue because “I am their Mom” and I am not my step daughter’s Mom and never will be. As cold as it sounds, at least when you face the reality then you can realize that you can have a different type of love for her — and that “that is OK” — these issues are in every blended family to some extent …. I think in order for these blended families to survive “guarding the feelings of your spouse as a commitment to him (or her) is crucial” I know it is selfless and I am not saying to repress or deny your feelings because they are what they are — and that is OK but it is how you handle them that is the crucial step. First – your husband loves you, his daughter and now your new daughter — wouldn’t it hurt him if he thought that you resented his daughter? Wouldn’t it tear him apart? Wouldn’t it shatter his hopes for a family together ? If the answer is yes or probably then you can still communicate your feelings to him but in a way that gives him hope like “Wow, I never knew how it would feel to be a mother — the feelings I have of protecting my child and the love that runs so deep is something I have never experienced before” — He may say “well you love my step daughter too, right?” And you can respond “Of course, but in different way which surprises me — I suppose it will take a little time to recognize the difference but I know I can do it and can realize the different types of love their are because my commitment to you and this family is the most important thing in the world to me and I would never jeapardize it ”
This way you get it out there that your feelings are different but that you are working towards reconciling those differences in your mind so as to overcome them for the betterment of the family” Finally, try to see your husband in your step daughter — this is what I do with my step daughter and it helps me to tolerate her more and try to gain feelings for her past her “being someone elses kid”. Hope this is helpful!
I would like to hear what a professional thinks about this. Based on their studies and research – is this a typical response? It seems to me it would be typical. It seems to me that the BIO parent of the two children should be making more of an effort to celebrate the new life that two NEW people made and not attribute it to the existing. Sure it’s great the bio parent loves both unconditionally, but the bio parent also needs to tend to the new without makeing the existing members feel unimportant. Think about it, in a fully bio family a new child often brings jealousy of siblings and the parents show special attention while simultaneously assuring the existing family. the same needs to be performed here. There is too much attention being placed on whether the existing family is ok without tending to the new family. This is a new life! Rejoice in the new life and how it was brought about by two people. Emphasis should be on how the new baby looks like the new parents – not like the sibling. The new baby is new! not a copy of what exists! This is a joyous experience for the new parents – it isn’t supposed to be focused on the existing children – however the existing children should be made to feel that nothing has changed in regards to love, since the new baby arrive.
I couldn’t agree more with the above writer! I am a mother and step-mother. My fiance and I have two of our own from previous marriages and one of our own..YES! That makes 5 children in our blended family. It is always a hard days work but in the end a unique experience of love and family bond. If we all loved unconditionally, the world would be a better place and personally, I think divorce wouldn’t be “a tragedy” yet another experience we can find positive in and hold onto. The Mind is a powerful thing and our EGO can ruin anything in it’s way..don’t let that be the outcome.
I’ve always made a point to “treat others the way I would want to be treated”. You don’t always get the positive outcome from doing this but don’t give up or change because someone else chooses “the EGO” over what’s right. As well, even though I grew up in a “nuclear family”..I always consider how it must feel to my children and my step children to be where they are..they most likely have no choice. We most likely always do! There’s no perfect science..just don’t give up and always communicate!
I totally know what you are feeling. I also had feelings of resentment and dislike towards my step-daughters when I was pregnant and after our son was born. I didn’t know why and I wanted the feelings to stop, but couldn’t. My son is now 4 and my step-daughters are 5 and 7. I am still struggling with my feelings and have sought personal and family therapy to sort them out, which has helped. I think a lot has to do with my past personally. I did not have a good relationship w/ my mother growing up. I am not sure of your past, but as I sort out those problems of my own childhood, it helps me to be a better step-mom, mom, and wife.
I don’t have any children of my own yet but can only imagien how i will feel when the day comes. I can identify in my step children what i consider to be my partners attributes/ features. I expect children we will have together will have some of his attributes after all our children will be both mine and his and obviously they will never completely look like me more than they will completely look like him. I understand this works the same way with my step children. while i can identify his features in them i can also identify features in them which features are definately their mother (as we see her all the time), i do not think i will ever see these features in any children i have with my partner.
I think it would hurt a little to have people say that our children looked like or was like my step children but in a way it will also be kinda nice. i think it would make my step children accept the child easier as their own sibling if they can see or notice a resemblence. and also this means that his children are more like him then their mother which makes me resent them less. i know my step daughter really wants me to have a baby girl and my step son (only 5) is open to talking about the idea of having a baby brother or sister however i know it will not be as simple as it seems. they will need to adjust to the attention not being fully on them when they visit just as much as i will have to adjust to them being a sister and brother to my child even though i am not their biological parent.
deep down it will always bother me that my first experience as a mother will not be my husbands first experience as a father and while he is apologetic for taking that right away from me as his wife, he also is excited at the opportunity to be the dad to our child that he always wanted to be and always saw himself being to his other children before problems with his ex resulted in them not being together.
so in someway his experience as a father with our child will be different. he missed out on most of the firsts for his children and is excited at the prospect of being a full time dad instead of a fortnightly one.
perhaps your partner isn’t the same parent to your child that he was or wanted to be and yet none the less he stills tries to treat them the same. this must take a lot of effort on his behalf. i would explain to him why you feel the way you do and maybe he might open up about he feels. perhaps he tries to link the children together for his own purposes, so that he feels you are all connected and not strangers living together.
i dont believe loving your step child can ever be the same as loving your own child. loving your own child implies that unconditional love that is never ending and ever lasting. loving your step child means you have choosen to work at loving someone and this takes much more determination and understanding. i think you are lucky and a great person for doing that.
If you encourage them to love and always be there for each other then you have acheived everything you should hope to acheive for them as a mother and step- parent. i encourage my step children to love and support their little brother at their mothers every visit we have so that one day they will love and support any other siblings they have
I am not a stepfather but I know how you feel.Many problems crop up in the family because members of that family do not know the GOd who ordained marriage.Hence my advice is that all of you should start reading the bible together and pray together and ask the Holy Spirit to take absolute control for without Him you can do nothing (John15;1-5)Remain blessed
Dear writer ~
Wow! What great feedback! I think that the most important message in all the responses is to know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.
I have found in my experience as a mother of three, stepmother of two, as a counsellor and wife that the most important notion of all parties in this mixed tribe situation that we have created through the separation of families ie divorce, is that we all want primarily to belong. When I hear families identifying the similarities even in an unbroken biological family, I hear the recognition of belonging. I believe that this is children’s greatest struggle in divorce: Who do I belong to now?
How wonderful that you have a loving bond to your husband’s child – he and she and you are blessed through that bond. And now, with the arrival of your own child, a different bond will be born. Just think of it like that. Different and unique in its own right.
I wonder whether it would be healing for you and your step-daughter if at some quiet moment, you sit with her and let her hold her half-sister and talk to your daughter and let her know how lucky she is to have an elder sister like your step-daughter and voice her strengths so she can hear how you see her and hear your trust in her.
This will encourage the development of her own bond with her half-sister and reinforce the fact that she has not lost her position in your hearts.
Most important in this moment will be that both your ‘daughters’ will hear from you that they both belong to yours and your husbands ‘tribe’ in their own unique ways.
I wish you all the best and most of all love – these girls are so blessed to have a mother who is able to acknowledge and be aware of her thoughts and feelings and care enough about the relationship to reach out for support!
Stay in touch and let us all know how things go for you!
Gini
I have the same feelings when it comes to my step kids. My husband is ALWAYS comparing our two boys we have together to his other four kids and that bothers me so much. Not so much that their my step kids or anything like that, its just they are their own people and their own personalies. I dont think he does it to tick me off or anthing, I think its more guilt about it not working out with their mom and trying to include them in everything even when they are not here. I just breath and TRY to understand that not matter what hes in a hard place…
Soooo good to read these comments. I am struggling right now with being a stepmom to two kids – almost teens. I also have a beautiful little boy who is 17 months old. I love him more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. My husband gets upset when I don’t make a huge effort all the time with my stepkids, but quite frankly, chasing after a toddler takes a lot of time. When I do leave my son to do something with my stepkids I feel awful and resent the time I am spending away from him. Good for those people who can write that they are happ yto be part of a blended family and can get past all the problems that go with it. I am not there yet. I’m hanging in there, but many days am envious of my friends who don’t have to deal with being a stepmom and I am so relieved when they go back to their mom’s house and I can pretend to be part of a “normal” family. I’m hoping I evolve enough as a human to survive the blended family part. We’ll see. Thanks for this blog so I can know I’m not alone in my feelings.
Lots of useful comments and I can see some similarities in all of them to my own experience. I have 2 older teenage children, my wife has 3 older shildren and we have one little girl – aged 2. My eldest daughter left home a year to live with her mother and it broke my heart as we had always been so close. Since my little daughter arrived there has been tension between my daughter and my wife, which led to several upsets and eventually my older daughter moving out. It is a very tricky suject to discuss with your partner – but try you must and hopefully resolve the issues!