Experiences of a stepmother
Adele Cornish, BSW
‘Part of the parcel’ of divorce is that eventually children of divorce get to an age where they want to choose who they live with. But what happens when it’s NOT you they choose.
I recently started a blog for fathers whose children had made the decision not to live with them.
I asked men how this affected their relationship with their partner and children. A HUGE thank you to those who responded. You can check out the responses by clicking here
The issue of blame arose so I will touch on this briefly.
It is normal to grieve the loss or diminished contact with your children if they choose to live with their other parent. Part of the grieving process includes anger and stemming from this, blame. Although deep down people can blame themselves, it can also be tempting to blame stepmothers; according to research, children more readily accept a stepfather figure as opposed to a stepmother. The thing about blame is that it serves no useful purpose and builds further resentments so one needs to move beyond this natural part of the grieving process.
I promised stepmothers the opportunity to share how this issue has impacted your blended family. Please write how you worked through this experience as a couple to maintain a strong relationship.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
As a stepmother to be, I am worried for the day my stepchildren decide who they want to live with. They are already siding with their mother because there are no house rules, and nothing to promote health or wellbeing. Perhaps when they get older they will see what my partner and I are doing to maintain their health and ultimately save them pain and money. In the meantime, be consistent and loving. Try and refrain from resentment and anger. Being consistent and loving shows your children that you accept them and are, and have always been, there for them. Refraining from resentment and anger allows you to be free, to not buy in to any games your ex might be playing.
I have former stepchildren and a daughter of my own, my H has a former stepchild and 2 of his own. I have never before had the difficulties I am/have experienced with my H concerning blending families. When his daughter decided to live with her bio mother my H not only turned blame, anger, etc… towards me, he became abusive to the extent that I had to file for divorce. We’re reconciling and only now, 4 yrs after the onset of the blending families strife, is my H beginning to catch up with my experience and exposure with blending families. Of course his children now are over 18 yrs old. He has not finished the program we ordered from Adele, his 2 children are now out of the house at ages 23 & 20 yrs old this coming summer. The daughter, 20yrs old, had joined the Army, and it was my fault she’s in the Army. Yet all the while during our marriage I was isolated from most contact with my bio daughter and her 2 daughters. They live 3 hrs away because my H insisted that I move where we are now living. Needless to say I feel/know he still has alot of growing up to do. Oddly, we discussed pretty much Everything prior to our marriage because I already knew about blending, and at the time we were on the same page – until his daughter began the usual interference, and tried to get my H with her bio mother, etc… This was not my house, he was not my husband, it was very ugly. Since the daughter has joined the Army she has grown up queit a bit. So our visits are not near as horrible.
P.S. My H’s ex was playing games as well, not only with the children, with my H’s family members. And of course his family members went along with it because they know very little if anything concerning blending families and do not appreciate or respect my H’s and my history of 34 years.
As a stepmother to be, my step children to be are still young, 7 and 10. As of right now, I am not really sure where they stand on their feelings. They tell me they love me and it feels nice. But their actions tell a different story at times. I feel as though they are at a place where they feel as though they have to choose between me and their mother and she is always going to win. What I mean is that I feel they are in round about ways being taught that they are only allowed to love their mother and no me. I have been accused of many things, such as, doing to many mommy things, not doing enough, stuff like that. She has even told me that I am nothing and she doesn’t want the kids spending time with me, she is afraid that I will try to turn them against her and when they are older they will want to live with us instead of her. I have not a clue as to why or where this is coming from. I feel she not doing her part on the quality time part, where I do and it is making her think the worst. I have never said anything bad about her to them, if any thing, I have defended her to the kids. I understand it has to be hard with another woman wanting to be there for their children, but one would think that they would be happy that the woman wants to be there and loves them. It is just still after 4 years, a difficult situation. She acts as though she is all alone in the raising and doing part of the children when we are both there to help, but she won’t ask, she just wants to play the poor me card. I just don’t understand and guessing I probably never will. I just know that I won’t ever give up on the kids. As for the game playing, yes, we go through it all the time, with so much of it, it is really hard not to buy into it. I still ask myself, why?
We have not seen one of my fiance’s children in 2 months. Everyday we both struggle with anger, disbelief, or helplessness. We can’t decide who is actually at fault, the mother or the child. It is hard to believe that and eleven year old girl would have so much animosity and boldness to the only father she has ever known, especially when we have pages and pages of pictures and cards she has given him over the years and one week prior to her not wanting to come over anymore. It’s very confusing and heartbreaking to us both. We are seeing a counselor and we still make attempts to call or text to tell her we love her and miss her. She never responds but we are truly trying not to give up. It’s very difficult because everytime she doesn’t answer her phone or text us back it breaks her father’s heart. To protect himself he just wants to stop all together but he can’t. Pray for our family because rejection from someone you love and have given your life too hurts deeply. Also pray for her, she is a very confused little girl right now.
Im a step mom to be as well. The children are extremely angry and dad is a push over. I dont want to be stuck being the bad guy and being the only one enforcing rules. My kids are used to my rules, my husband to be doesnt have many and he has two teenage girls so they know how to work him. We are having a hard time agreeing on what consequences should be for all.
I am a step mom who’s decided to remove myself from the whole experience. My husband’s son would come every other weekend, and all I heard was how “wonderful” his mother was! The minute he’d arrive here he’d want to phone her. I’d have to bite my tongue because I know what she’s really like. Pregnant 3 times by 3 different guys (only once by someone she married), drinking, partying, etc. And the language she’d use in front of her son was totally inappropriate. My husband would move heaven and earth to do what he needed for his son, but if I asked for a bit of help, forget it. So I emotionally removed myself from his son, and to a degree, from him. When the boy was visiting us regularly, I was angry, confused, and hurt all the time. Since the visits have stopped, I’m happy and my life is once again content. My husband sees him whenever he wants, he just knows I want no part of it.
My experience of step-mothering has been overall a positive one. My step sons were 5, 8 and 10 years when I first met them, and they are now 13, 16 and 18! I feel it was a definite benefit to my partners and my relationship that the boys have always lived with their bio mother despite this being an extremely difficult thing for my husband to live with, especially early on. For my part, I have always tried to be a friend figure and never a mother figure. The goal posts seem to change every time they step into our house (i.e. they seem to need different things from me each time – sometimes less and sometimes more), so it’s always a challenge to try to read where they are at and modify how I interact with them accordingly. As for my husband, he has never imparted blame on me for his children not living with us, however dealing with his changing moods (especially after a visit from the children) has always been a bit tricky, but HAS gotten easier with time. For him, I try to allow him some quiet space after any separation which allows him to reflect on his time with the kids and grieve their leaving HIS way. This took me a long time to work out too! I only understand how difficult this process must have been for him since we had our own little girl together. I know I would be a total mess if I was all of a sudden told I couldn’t see her every day.
Thanks Deb, you show great insight!
I am not even a year into my step mother role. He has 2 girls aged 5 & 6 and a previous step daughter 12 years, who has grown as his own. From the start it has been awkward for me to say the least. I have never been with someone with kids before and having no kids of my own I have felt jealousy and anger, all kinds of emotions. We only get them a weekend every fortnight so it has been very hard to form a bond. I do however believe that I am starting to bond well with them and myself and my partner both take the time to disipline the children if needed. They are young and they need their Dad and sometimes the behaviour problems have been unbearable, but the important thing is that my partner and I support and love each other and love the kids. From the beginning we did have a hard time even getting the girls mum to agree letting the girls stay with us, but now she is extremely okay with it and the kids seem more open to the possibility of loving me now. Life has improved for us so far and I even feel protective of them now. My man loves them so much and having my support I can see now means everything to him. He is my world and they are part of that now and for any new step mums out there just keep up support and love. It can be better. We can all try to be better. I still have a long road ahead of me, but with all we have been through already we still have love.
Hi Kymberly,
wow your story is almost identical to mine except I have only been with my partner for a year. If you want to be in conact to help support each other feel free to email me.
🙂
Melissa
My experience as a stepmum has been a roller coaster to say the very least. I have my own children as well. My son left to live with his father when he was 12 and has decided he wont come back because he cant cope with having the youngest stepbrother around. This has made it really hard for me to grow to even really like this child. But I am trying for my husbands sake. I havent been able to tell my husband that this is the case because he dotes on this child and it would be the end i would think. His 2 children live with us every 2nd week. I am struggling to get on with the little one and I have little support from his father when it comes to discipline. I have pretty much learnt to ignore the child and get on with my day. But it makes for some definite awkward moments. I probably sound very cold hearted but i guess its just a matter of time. Things will work themselves out?
Women seem to bear the brunt of children’s (and society’s) anger and resentment in spite of the fact that we are often not the cause, maybe this is because we are seen as an easier target. I have been married twice and a step mother twice and even with a lot of insight the second time it is still the same, I have to take the lateral violence. My step-daughter behaves like her mother’s guided missile.
I have been a step mom for going on 3 years now and it to has had its good and bad times. The ex plays a big part of the bad times. All I can say is ask God to help you be loving and forgiving of the bad times and love the children as much as you can for you and your spouses sake. Adjusting is just a matter of time, sometimes it takes longer than you would want it to so please be patient and kind and God will help you.
My partner has 3 children, aged 10, 13 and 16. When she was nearly 12, the oldest girl decided to live full time with her mother (4 years ago). All this despite the fact that bio mum had walked out on the kids due to alcoholism and new boyfriend, and my partner had done all the parenting alone (and done a great job). My step daughter stated that her reasons were all due to me, not liking my rules, not liking the way I treated her, etc. She told my partner that she would visit, but only when I was not there. He stood strong and told her that this was our home, and that it was not appropriate for me to be forced out of it when she wanted to visit. He was really supportive to me because he knew that the things she had said about me were not true, and that I had treated his daughter really well. This meant that she no longer speaks to him and feels he has chosen me over her. It makes him really sad but at the same time also disappointed because of the way she acted towards me – he thought he had raised her better than that. Her reasons for not liking me were all fabricated (but of course that’s her mum’s infuence) and he hoped that in time she would realise that I am actually a good person. Unfortunately 4 years later she still doesn’t see her dad despite many attempts from him to reach out to her. I have learned not to even speak her name because he becomes moody and closes up when anyone mentions her, but I know that it plays on her mind. All I can do is remain loving and supporting and hope that his daughter one day realises that I am here to stay, and that I make her dad and her siblings happy.
One of the other things I realised over the 6 years of being a stepmum is that you can’t control others actions. You can only control your own reaction to them. There’s no point becoming angry or upset about how your partner’s ex treats you or speaks about you – it used to drive me nuts but I realised that I was the only one losing sleep over it. Now I just think that she is a sad person and that’s why she does it. I know I’m happy so I just ignore the games and silly comments etc. It’s hard to do at first but believe me it will become easier and will give you so much peace in your own heart and mind.
My H and I have been married a little over a year. I have 4 kids (2 @ home) and he has 3 (2 bio and 1 step). It has been an interesting year to say the least. It started out great. His kids visited every once in a while. Then, when summer arrived, they stayed for 3 weeks. Everyone was cordial and handled themselves well except we had issues with assigning chores. Then as the holidays rolled around, the kids wanted to be with their dad for every school break and every weekend leaving no “we” time and then school activities and the mom not wanting to take them to their functions just got to be a bit much. Eventually, between that strain and some other things, I got fed up and we had a temporary separation. I just found out the other day that now, the ex won’t let the kids come over anymore so if H wants to see them, he has to go over there. Since I just found this out, I have very mixed feelings. I wanted us to reduce the visits because it seemed that everywhere I turned there were kids and I was beginning to feel like a maid. But, on the other hand, my hubby loves his kids and wants them to be around all the time and how could I deny him that. I just feel left out whenever they’re around and my kids also feel left out when his kids are around… We’re still trying to get used to all of this and sometimes I just have to throw my hands up!
I have been a stepmom for 3 1/2 years, we have had some good times and a lot of not so good times. I also have 2 bio children of my own whom I receive a substantial amount of child support for. My husband did not request his sons mother to pay child support and this has caused a lot of resentment from me. Now that the kids are driving age, I used my child support to purchase my child a car. That sparked a lot of jealousy because I am now expected to buy my step son a car and I am not in agreement. I feel as though his mother should be responsible for something, after all she gets all the love and respect and I get nothing yet I am the one providing for him.
Great comment Rebecca!
I can appreciate all of the comments I read here. My heart goes out. I am a Mom and Step-Mom – 2 were mine and 2 were his – now they are all ours, and live with us full time. The youngest just turned 13. We certainly have our share of issues: on any given day, there are claims of favoritism. Some of them may even be true. It’s hard to love them all equally every day. But it does all seem to balance out in the end. Mine have been given the option to live with their dad, but choose to live with me. The two that are my husband’s have not been given a choice – their mother is not in their life, though she would like to be. It’s safer for all concerned. At the end of the day, it all comes down to keeping our priorities – God first, my husband and I second, the children third, and everything else comes after that. It isn’t perfect, and there are days … But I have faith in our marriage, and each other, and in God. I am where I am supposed to be, and it will all work out.
I’ve got good news and bad news! After thinking that Christmas was a wonderful time and we’ve have finally bonded as a true family. How I was soooo wrong. The common denominator is my husband. Father to his 2 older daughters, 18 and 20. Their bio mom died in 2004. He is also father to my 2 children, 1 and 5. The 18 year old is a freshman in college and is loving and kind and knows that I’d do anything for her. The 20 year old is in college. Weeks ago she told me to remove her information and family pictures with her in them from my facebook page. She said that I’m not her mother. She stated that she didn’t want to be associated with me because of the sites that I’ve joined. I’m suffering from fibromyalgia and depression. She said it will hurt her chances of getting into graduate school. Thats such a load of crap. I told my husband what she had done. I removed her from my facebook page and blocked her from my site. Then I told my husband that if she’s coming home for the summer – I’m not gonna live here with her.
I have been a step mum for 3 years to 2 girls.Not having kids myself …. what a learning curve. I had to go to the library to find some books to help me understand ‘the blended’ family. What a difference these books made for me. Our biggest problem is the ex and we are still trying to figure how to deal with this one. She is now turning the 2 girls against their dad, which is breaking his heart. Not sure when we will see them again. We can only be there for when they return back to us for their fortnightly visits
@Debbie: Hi Debbie, My story is very similar to yours. I have NO contact with my fiance’s two daughters. When I met him over four years ago they liked me as they would just meeting any new lady friend. But as time went on and we obviously were in a serious relationship whereas I was not going away, his daughters and ex-wife became increasingly angry towards me and jealous of everything (gifts, time spent). Eventually bio-mom lost the girls to my fiance’ due to neglect & drug use, they lived with us for a year and a half…it was a nightmare, I was blamed for everything, whenever their dad disciplined them I was blamed for controlling his thoughts and his feelings towrds them. Their mom was telling them I was the reason why their dad left her (I didn’t even know him then. The oldest one was abusive to me, my two teens, my house, our dog…I finally asked him to move out of my house with his girls into an apartment, it almost destroyed our realtionship. I cut off all communication with them…bio-mom got her act together and got custody back, but my fiance’ keeps the apartment so when he has his girls they have a place to stay, I want nothing to do with them anymore! It’s sad and I feel guilty about it because I love their dad so much, but they crossed my personal boundries and I don’t feel like they can be trusted any longer!
@Deb: Hey I would love to talk to you via email. I am pregnant with me and my husbands first together. I have 2 stepchildren 13 and 16. We have been married for 8 years. How did your stepchildren handle the news of a new little one and how is it going? I would love any advise. Thanks, Alison
I am so excited to hear from all of you. I have been looking for a step mom chat group. I’ve been a step mom for 4 years. No children of my own. Kids are 18 and 22. One has moved out but we hold his room. I feel like charging him rent for storage. I am completely hands off. I encourage my H to have a father and daughter night every week – just for him. She has not accepted his remarriage well…or me. I understand and am reading a wonderful book called between Two Worlds – on Amazon. Best book I ever read and best therapy for a step mom who doesn’t understand feelings of a child of divorce. I’m available as needed for rides, shopping trips, and cooking occasional dinners. Love my husband very much. He disciplines and forges the way when there is a problem some where. Really works for us.
I have been married a year but with my husband for 3. We have two children together and he has a daughter 12 and a son 10. I can say it has been very difficult dealing with being a stepmother. The kids at first were very open and loving and the more serious our relationship got the nastier his ex became and the more she would influence the children against us. There is a lot of manipulation going on, on her part and it is very sad. The kids have made several FALSE allegations propted by her and we werent allowed visitation for awhile. That was hard. It was hard not to blame these children for trying to please their mother, yet it was ruining our lives. It has all since been resolved and the kids are with us again 50% of the time but its hard to trust them or their mother. My husband and I just always make sure we communicate and we back eachother up 100% of the time. We make our relationship priority and everything else falls into place from there. United we geth through everything, blaming will only divide you and then your marriage and then your life so that youll be even worse off. Keep strong you cant control others only your own reaction to things. Dont get caught up in the games because thats exactly what the ex wants, you to be as miserable as they are.
My husband and I have been together for 4 years now, and things have been crazy to say the least. I am step mom to two boys, aged 12 and 16 and mom to two boys aged 14 and 21. Both of us had been single a long time, me for 10 years and him for 6, so marriage in itself was an adjustment, but my ex has not been involved since my youngest son was an infant, and his ex still lives here in the same town. She acts like I came along and broke them up and it is a conflict all the time. We have my boys full time and his oldest has lived with us for the past year, after hitting his bio mom and cutting her with a knife. The younger child is starting to do the same thing, with the violence and hitting. My boys are stressed out, and my youngest wants to live with my mom because he doesn’t get along with the other boys, and I am constantly stressed because there are no boundaries or rules or consequences for the step children. I try really hard to not be too critical, but some days it’s really hard, and I just lose it. I feel like the evil stepmother when I remind the kids to brush their teeth or put their toys away. All his boys want to do is play video games all day long. I believe in limits. I feel like his children only use him and don’t really care for him at all. And the ex hasn’t worked in months. Since we have had the older child, she still expects him to pay the same child support as before, and if I say anything about it, he says I only care about money. The 16 year old wrecked my husband’s car a month ago, and nothing was ever said to him at all. No punishment, no consequences, no respect. Sometimes I feel like I have had it! But I love my husband and my boys love him too. He’s the only dad they have ever known. We went to counseling before we got married and I think we need to return, because I really don’t know how much more I can take.
Sorry to vent…Just a little frustrated.
@Deb: @Deb: @deb: Hi Deb,I got little goosebumps reading your post as I felt like you were telling my story! I am step-mum to 3 boys also who were 2, 5 and 9 when my DP (husband to be in two months) first got together, they are now 7, 11 and 14. My experience has also been very positive. Lots of ups and downs particularly navigating with the ex/BM but I have been so lucky and I get genuine love and affection from the boys and I adore them. I too used to struggle with my DP’s moods after the boys left us as he would get quite down and I only really got it after we had our child (a little girl too!) together. Also, my DP seemed to be able to cope better after we had our daughter and I guess that because he is more distracted now having another child to focus on. We are currently trying to negotiate a week about arrangement with the care of the boys which the BM is not at all in agreement with but hopefully we will be able to work something out without it becoming to traumatic. My stepsons are wonderful with my little girl and this must makes me love them even more.
Look forward to hearing more on this forum.
My experience as a step mum has been a long & difficult road. My partner has 3 boys, which in the beginning were coming to stay with us 5 nights per f/n. We had structure & routine, their homework was always done & as we lived on a farm they all had chores to do and things seemed to work well. Their Bio mother had no structure, allowed them to do whatever they wanted and spoilt them rotten with the money she received from the divorce settlement. Over time, my partner thought I was doing such a great job!!! with the children that it became entirely my responsibility to do everything for them, despite the fact that I worked and had 2 children of my own. Their Bio mother found out through the children and things started to fall apart. I tried to explain that his children came to stay to see HIM not me and I slowly began to back away & try & make him more of a participant in their life. The boys basically no longer speak to their father. Their mothers words are poison and they dont even acknowledge I exist. The hardest thing was not having a “defined” role in the children’s life. It is so hard & confusing and has put a rift in our relationship that appears irreparable. Unfortunately , my partner has no relationship with his children, he uses me as his sole support system and he blames me for the lot. If I leave….. he has no one. Step families are soul destroying as a mother
I am soon to be a stepmom, we are getting married next year, but we have been living together for 3 years. We have been thru crazy stuff together thank to his ex and her crazy games. Well about the questions asked, I do worry about what the boys will choose someday. Their mother has them geared already in choosing her. They are only 7 and 3 I might add, but she has the eldest warped already into picking sides already! And of course the little one just says what his brother says. She has put us thru the child support, the custody, and we have always came out with joint in everything, cause bottom line is she strayed in relationship and left her child behind. But now, she has became more of a mother like figure, I do commend her on that. She recently started accepting homework I send home with him to complete on her week because he is falling behind in school, and I, being a teacher’s assistant, right away took the reins on his school work thanks to my future husband handing me the task. The eldest, Nathaniel, struggled a lot with me at first when we met, cause his mother scared the daylights out of him, with telling him that I was going to replace her, and that she wasn’t his mom anymore, and to be mean to me. Just awful things, but now, after 3 years, he and I are so great, and we are always together, just like the little one. They are my life, and they know it. But of course, the questions is what is going to happen in couple of years…. well she is coaching already…. the boys at her house have all the latest games and electronic systems as soon as they come out in stores. Movies galore, toys, whatever they want. But ask them if they have books over there, or puzzles???? Nope. At our house, they already know, we have no video games, all we got is their own library, puzzles, arts and crafts, movies, educational activities, outdoor soccer and fuzz ball table, balls galore, and bikes. We try to make sure they are always entertained, and doing something that will benefit them, but the thing is, they want to be plopped in front of tv with some video games like they do at their moms, since the boyfriend is all about video games as well. Im scared, the boys are my fiancee’s life, and I know it would hurt him bad if they ever had to choose. I hope she gets over the whole coaching thing, but as from what I’ve seen of her, I doubt it highly. So as she coaches, what can I do? I know the boys benefit from being with us, in school, and discipline wise. Even Nathaniel’s teachers always seem to know when its her week vs. our week. THey always note it in report cards and everything, its no secret their behavior with us vs. over there. They get to run a muck with her, and with us, they get to have fun, but also know the rules. What can I do? Sometimes, I feel like giving into buying them electronic systems, but always say no, cause maybe what we have is enough? I just know the way she is coaching is hurting them and their relationship with their dad. What can a stepmom do to help? Or what can we do as a couple to help keep the boys? I see nothing wrong with joint custody, equal time with the boys, but I know as they get older, not always the easiest and usually not the most realistic. But I know her and her coaching, and to her its all about the future big bucks in child support.
I am the stepmother of 2 ages 23 and 25. Bio mother of 3 ages 18,22,23. H and I have been together for 5 years married 4 months. I thought it would be easier because of the childrens ages. It is not. The thing that gets to me is the double standard. My 22 year old son lives with us and is not working he is trying to find a job. H 23 year old son graduated from college in december. Lives with his mother. Has no job. He is waiting for the perfect job to fall into his lap. So, H wants my son completely cut off. And to move out of the house. He says it is time for him to grow up and take responsibility for himself. Step son has everything paid for him and has never held a job. His rent in the town he went to college is still being paid by his parents because he signed a year lease. He doesn’t live there he lives with his mother. His every expense is paid. He is not expected to settle for a job that does not meet his requirements.
My kids Dad died 9 years ago. So the games with the stepkids go on. Fathers day is coming up. 25 year old stepdaughter will not allow my kids to celebrate fathers day with H because he is not their father. So H expects me to spend the day with his kids and leave mine behind. Even though this day is hard for them. I told him that he should just spend the day with his kids I will spend the day with mine.
Then he says I am not being fair to his kids.
It does not get easier as they get older the games just get more complex.
I am a step mom to be of 4 kids ages 11, 9 two 5s and my bio daughter is 3. Everything was going really well until last night the oldest daughter told her bio mom she didn’t want to come over anymore. I think it’s because we have rules and at her mom’s she can hide in her bedroom (even at dinnertime) and she has no rules or structure. It is breaking her dad’s heart that she doesn’t want to be here. Her mom told her she can choose who she wants to live with at age 12, which is not true. I don’t know how to handle this as it’s probably going to happen at least once with all kids since both ex parents have no boundaries, rules or structure. We are hoping family counseling will help, but it’s not going to help with the competition and game playing by the exes.
I wish i could say that my experience was a positive one – unfortunately as time has gone on it has become more and more negative. I am ‘wicked stepmother’ to 3 teenage girls (15,17,20) to begin with the eldest and youngest were fine with me, apart from the lack of respect at times, generally we got on ok. Miss 17 has never really been over the moon with me, but doesn’t seem to have close relationships with anyone other than her mother and her mothers side of the family. But i do know where i stand with her and always have. The youngest i have never really had a problem with – it is almost like she comes from a different family! Over the 6 years that i have been in their life there has been a lot of game playing which i truly believe stems from their mother. My partner and I have never bad mouthed their mother and have always supported decisions she has made when the kids have whinged about it – letting them know that we wont get into playing off each side. I do not beleive that we have had the same courtesy from their mother. As time has gone on, the eldest and i have had more and more issues to the point that i have now not seen her for some months and have refused to have anything to do with her poisonous behaviour of guilt trips, lying and game playing. Unfortunately i do blame my partner for some of what has happened as he has never put a stop to it and never really openly supported me in front of the kids (if they are rude or disrespectful to me) and will not even dare defend himself against the way that they speak and treat him. Like many others here, i have no children of my own. I do not think that general manners and respect should not apply just because kids have come from a divorced family. I have come from a divorced family and would never have dared speak to or treat my parents or step parents the way these children have spoken to and treated us over the years. How do i get my partner to understand that this is so wrong and give him the strength to stand up to them? Enough is enough.
Good day all! I have 2 step children (6,8) my husband brought into our marriage and I have 2 children (15,18) that I brought. The children get along fabulously. They have since day 1. My husband and i have been together 3 1/2 years. The problem comes in with the jealous, nosy ex. Everything that goes on in our lives she tries to make negative to the kids. Our new home, our wedding, vacations etc. She will actually upset her kids to try to hurt us. The only thing we do is continue to love the children and never say bad things about her or her new husband. Kids are smarter that we think. They see everything and know what she is doing.. Stay strong, love the step children as you would your own and at the end if they pick to live with the other parent, you and your spouse can feel comfortable knowing you didn’t play games to hurt the children and when they get older and build their families they will remember your unconditional love! Be strong ..
Hello Everyone,
I have taken much pleasure in reading your post. They have provided much needed answers to my current situation. However, I would say mine is slightly different and I could use some helpful tips and strategies. My husband and I have been married since 2004, in Fall of 08′ I found out that he fathered another child to go along with the 5 he already had. To add insult to injury 3 of those children came to spend the summer with us in 09′ and two were forced to stay with us and are currently living with us. I have had the most difficult time in dealing with everything and trying not to feel angry and resentful towards the kids and my husband. The bonding has not gone as well as planned as these kids have been forced on me and my “H” won’t let things happen on their own, but with his constant nagging about doing things a certain way “his way”. I don’t believe there is respect or even a glimpse of love. Although things have gotten better between the kids and me, I am beginning to lose love for their dad. He never dealt with the issues of his infidelity let alone the issues of bringing his kids into our home. I don’t have kids of my own and his kids have always been distant from me by his Ex’s choice. He is clueless as to how to blend a family and I have shouldered the blame for things not working as smoothly as they should. Any help or advice would be GREATLY appreciated.
As a stepmother for the past two years, here is what I have concluded. No matter what the real mother is trying to do, even if she is trying to tear your household down…. never get upset at the children for her actions. To maintain a healthy relationship between the children and their father, let them have quality time together and be willing to step aside (once per week or whatever works best for your family). Hence, if you have children as well it allows you to focus on them during this special time. Also, may I add that prayer is the most essential tool during this transition?
@Lori: Lori, I can say I understand why you feel this way, it has taken me some time to overcome some of those feelings as well. I may have some suggestions that may help. First and foremost; when you took your vows on your wedding day, I believe you are accepting everything that life will throw at you, and you are to love your husband unconditionally (I know it’s hard when it’s not something you agree with). Also, I elieve our duty as wives, we are to submit to our husbands, whether we like it or not. I have been transitioning with submitting to my husband, and yes it is hard. We are created to be in submission to our husbands, even when he may be making the wrong decisions. The book I am reading the second time through to help me is “A Woman After God’s Own Heart” by Elizabeth George. One thing we did to help discuss daily issues is to schedule a weekly meeting to discuss such issues. Try using words such as I feel, and state that way you feel. Avoid using the words you never or you always. Try to lovingly express your concerns without placing blame. Next, after you can talk about some issues, it is SOOOO important that you and your husband get quality time together. Whether it’s after the kids go to bed, or schedule lunch dates throughout the week, or a date night (have family watch the kids). These are my tips that have helped my husband and I in the past 2 years.
My partners children and I got on fine at the start, seven and nine year old girls. Once we became engaged things turned really nasty with their mother filling their heads with all sorts of rubbish about me and their father. This has been really difficult to the point that he wasn’t able to see them as she always had other plans and the kids simply didn’t want to be with me. Well two weeks ago the girls mother died unexpectantly, two days after my fathers unexpected death. I don’t want to sound selfish but I’m still dealing with my own grief and now they are coming to live with us. I know this will be a difficult time for all of us and I have to be the adult in this. I just don’t know how I’m going to cope raising to grieving kids that treat me with contempt and deal with my own loss. If anyone has any ideas or has been through something like this I would be glad to read your comments.
@Rebecca – one thing in your first post really rang true for me: “he was really supportive to me.” That’s the key. My partner’s daughter is 23 going on 15 and very manipulative and diva-like but her dad doesn’t ‘get it’ and doesn’t put our relationship first. The opposite of supportive when she’s disrespectful of me. Good for you. For me – an ongoing challenge!
I am soon to be a stepmom, we are getting married next year, but we have been living together for 3 years. We have been thru crazy stuff together thank to his ex and her crazy games. Well about the questions asked, I do worry about what the boys will choose someday. Their mother has them geared already in choosing her. They are only 7 and 3 I might add, but she has the eldest warped already into picking sides already! And of course the little one just says what his brother says. She has put us thru the child support, the custody, and we have always came out with joint in everything, cause bottom line is she strayed in relationship and left her child behind. But now, she has became more of a mother like figure, I do commend her on that. She recently started accepting homework I send home with him to complete on her week because he is falling behind in school, and I, being a teacher’s assistant, right away took the reins on his school work thanks to my future husband handing me the task. The eldest, struggled a lot with me at first when we met, cause his mother scared the daylights out of him, with telling him that I was going to replace her, and that she wasn’t his mom anymore, and to be mean to me. Just awful things, but now, after 3 years, he and I are so great, and we are always together, just like the little one. They are my life, and they know it. But of course, the questions is what is going to happen in couple of years…. well she is coaching already…. the boys at her house have all the latest games and electronic systems as soon as they come out in stores. Movies galore, toys, whatever they want. But ask them if they have books over there, or puzzles???? Nope. At our house, they already know, we have no video games, all we got is their own library, puzzles, arts and crafts, movies, educational activities, outdoor soccer and fuzz ball table, balls galore, and bikes. We try to make sure they are always entertained, and doing something that will benefit them, but the thing is, they want to be plopped in front of tv with some video games like they do at their moms, since the boyfriend is all about video games as well. Im scared, the boys are my fiancee’s life, and I know it would hurt him bad if they ever had to choose. I hope she gets over the whole coaching thing, but as from what I’ve seen of her, I doubt it highly. So as she coaches, what can I do? I know the boys benefit from being with us, in school, and discipline wise. Even the teachers always seem to know when its her week vs. our week. THey always note it in report cards and everything, its no secret their behavior with us vs. over there. They get to run a muck with her, and with us, they get to have fun, but also know the rules. What can I do? Sometimes, I feel like giving into buying them electronic systems, but always say no, cause maybe what we have is enough? I just know the way she is coaching is hurting them and their relationship with their dad. What can a stepmom do to help? Or what can we do as a couple to help keep the boys? I see nothing wrong with joint custody, equal time with the boys, but I know as they get older, not always the easiest and usually not the most realistic. But I know her and her coaching, and to her its all about the future big bucks in child support.
Hi to all,
My experience is slightly different I suppose from some. My partner has two children who initially lived with their mother. When my partner and I moved into together the children came week about. Three years ago when approaching teenage years I came home from work to find their bags and gear in the middle of the room. The long shot of it is their mother and stepfather had had enough of the daughters behaviour and had brought them around to live with us.
Since having them move in with us on a permanent basis I have had terrible guilt and resentment. I propably sound uncaring, but if I had thought the kids would live with us on a permanent basis I would not have moved in with my partner. I do not love my stepkids I like them. I have always been clear to my partner right from when we moved in together that I did not want to take on the role of ‘parent’ to his children, I have three children of my own who have all left home, and have a commitment to them.
We have incredible differences in parenting which cause alot of disruption to our relationship and he now expects me to be a ‘parent’ to the children. I have tried extremely hard to be fair and a friend to them but do not want to parent them.
Sometimes it is extremely hard and I wonder if it is all worth it.
Hi everyone,
I am 4 years into my second marriage and am 42 years old. My first marriage I had 4 kids who are now 25, 20, 18 & 17. My present husband has 3 children who were 1, 4 & 6 when we got together. We now have a 2 year old together. His wife passed away when his youngest child was 10 months old. My 18 year old lives with us, his 3 live with us and our 2 year old son. The childrens Mum had problems herself & never got the kids medical help & was neglectfull with their meals, so when I got with my now hubby his kids were all very unwell with upper respiratory problems that involved many visits to Specialists & hospitals. They were all underweight and had various other issues that could have been prevented early on. All of his 3 kids to his former wife have mild aspergers and the youngest is also profoundly deaf in one ear & has Waardenburg Syndrome. The middle child is ADD and mildly Autistic and the oldest the daughter is mild Autism. We have been together 6 years next month and life is very very hard. If I had of seen what life had in store for me taking on 3 stepkids full time I would have never chosen this road. I love my husband dearly and we have an amazing connection but the price to have him has been high! I feel like I have lost myself. I feel nothing for his children except irritation & feel like I am just chief maid & cook & driver to doctors. I am resenting the workload that they cause me & literally wish they didn;t exist. I know that sounds awful but I am being brutally honest. I had our son thinking that it would help things and he is a dear little fellow but all it has achieved is that the other 3 are in my face 24/7 & I have no escape cause they love to play with him. Which is lovely but doesnlt help me at all. His daughter who is 12 has a big mouth & backchats me alot. She is also an eyeroller which I find very offensive. She doesn’t do it in front of her Dad but he doesnt doubt me for a second that she does it. I find her the most difficult to deal with. The youngest has eating issues & can take up to 2 hours to eat his meals (just cause he doesn;t like it). Due to his health problems we have had 6 years of mealtime dramas due to his antics. There real Mum fed them a diet of 2 minute noodles for most meal. Dad worked away so was unaware of alot of things that were happening until she passed away & he was main carer. I had a professional career when I met my hubby and resigned from that due to his youngest son being so ill & I stayed at home and cared for him. We now have our own business and work in that together every day. Somewhere in all of this I have lost myself! Hubby and I can talk about anything & he knows how I feel & how badly I am struggeling. Even to the point that I have asked him if he wants us to break up so he can find someone who wants to be a Mother to his kids. He was unhappy in his former marriage as they werent compatible at all & his wife was very untidy & had obsessive compulsive disorder, bi-polar & autism. He is very happy with me as we both believe we are soulmates there is just the children issue. Which is a HUGE issue I know. I battle guilt every day about all of this and how his kids deserve to have a Mum who wants them & loves them. I have spoken with a Psychologist also to no avail & pray ALOT. I know that the attitude change has to come from within me and I am finding that impossible. To the point that last week I was considering leaving. I’m not a bad person at all I just think I took on more than I could handle and 6 years down the track I am done in & have hit the wall. Our son who is 2 has never been a sleeper and has the same respiratory problems that the other kids have so that hasen;t helped at all! He go’s to daycare Mon to Fri and still breastfeeds morning and nite and thru the night. I think I am just exhausted! My hubby loves all of my kids and is very close to my 18 year old. The big kids and the little kids all get along (due to the age differance I think) so we don;t have those problems. It kills me to think of leaving him and also the reality of taking our son away from his family and being on my own with a 2 year old at 42! I am generally a very strong person but I find myself crying all the time & am drinking at night to make myself be happy when his kids are around me. I use to do that in my old marriage to cope with a verbally abusive husband so it upsets me that I am finding myself resorting to old unhealthy methods to cope. I question myself as to why I tore my own 1st family apart 7 years ago to then enter a 2nd marriage & find myself in a worst place. When I left my first husband I had depression & went on medication for 6 months to help with that. I wonder if maybe I should go back on medication to cope with his kids?? Then I get upset to think that I have to resort to that over them. It does my head in trying to find the answers. There is so much more I could say about why it’s all so hard but I think you will get the general picture. Thankyou for taking the time to read this.
Wow do I finally feel among friends. I think we all feel is it worth it. I am honest with my friends and I don’t reccommend remarriage for a couple who both have kids. Its too hard!! There is always one who creates the chaos and the other who has to deal with it. I, like many of you have to tolerate stuff that just shouldn’t be. I, again like you, just start to compartmentalize my feelings and thoughts about the stepkids. My SS and girlfriend ruined my first year of my marriage and after 3yrs broke up. My H should have and still doesn’t see that he better knock off the my kids are so perfect and make no mistakes. Or he will lose another relationship. His ex is a real nut case, was about to lose to child support so she quits her job and claims no income so our 275 child support goes up to 1000 for one kid whom we have 50% of time and pay everything from health insurance to computer on line classes for. Meanwhile I can’t get the support I am due for mine. It never ends and it never will that is what no one tells you. Its hard to decide what to do with all of it. Its hardest when you feel alone and you H is mister nice guy to everyone bc he knows everyone because you(I) had to move to his town. frustrating!
Thank you all for your inspiring strength and courage. After reading your stories I don’t feel so alone in the chaos my step son causes with his mother. Hugs ladies!
First of all I believe it takes a village to raise a chld. Meaning there are mothers,fathers,granmothers, grandfathers,aunts and uncles and unfortunatly yes there are step parents. For waht ever reasons when a relationship/marriage fails there are usually a lot of hard feelings,anger and resentment. It is our duty as parents and adults to make sure that these do NOT spill over on the children.Unfortunatly all to often this is not the case, the mother is full of resentment and angry and doesn’t want to share her children with another woman.This can happen for some men as well, although I have noticed that more often than not it’s the women who have these battles. So because of these hurt , angry feelings they want to control what and who is involved with their children and yes as a way to still control their ex to some extent. They don’t want their children to like let alone love this new woman so they say and do things to try to make her look bad in the childrens eyes not relaizing that they are only hurting and confusing the child. Instead they should be grateful if they are lucky enough for their exs to have chosen someone good who will love and cherish their children. Someone who will work with them in raising the children, because that’s how it should be, you should all be adults and be able to work together to raise the chilren. See, it shouldn’t be about you and your ex, it should be about the children and whats best for them and as long as the step mom is loveing and careing and cherishing those children and not abusing them then there should be no problem. The mother just needs to take out all the hurt,anger and resentment, get rid of her feelings and self righteousness and focus on her kids. Give your children the benefit of the doubt, let them make up their own mind on wether or not they like the new “step parent” they are smart they will eventually see through tricks and wrongness no matter who is delving it out. Wouldn’t you rather your children see all the adults working together to raise and love them? See all the sdults putting their own evil plots and their own feelings of justification aside !!! A good movie on this subject is Step Mom. It’s a great movie very emotional but has good points on this stuff.
I am currently in the middle of this situation. The childs father and mother where never married and he never had any intention of marrying her,they where only casualy dating, he made that clear to her in the begining. she snuck around and got pregnant on purpose to try and trap him. Yes I know it takes two to do the actual deed. Anyway,That was 3 years ago I have been in the picture for 1 1/2 years now. That woman (the childs mother) is very vindictive and resentful she is constanly demanding I not be around her shild that I have no rights to be, that I not answer the phone when she calls and on and on !! That she have my fiances schedule and know where he is at all times when her child is with us and that the child never be with me and if he can not be home with her at all tiems then he not get her and when we have her she demands to call every night and the list just goes on, and she says it will never change, that I have no say and no right to her child !! Anyway all of this is rediculous, I live there I will be the childs step mother we get her every other week end and holidays and vacations and extended summer vacations. The child is only 3 and she is already saying my mommy doesn’t like you do you like my mommy !!! This is horrible and sad. We never talk about her mother we are always polite when she calls and we always speak positive in re to the childs mother. when she says my mommy doesn;t like you and you dont like my mommy I just say it’s ok if she doesn’t like me she doesnt have to but I like her. The child and I have such a great relationship we have fun together she loves me she tells me she loves me. I do worry sometimes the effect her mother and her mothers shinaigans have on her or will have on her the older she gets. But, all we can do is love her and continue with the loving structure and guidance she has while in our home. My fiance and I stick togehter in setting boundries for the childs mother ( not that she abides by them but, we continue to try) and how we should deal with her line of assult but it’s hard some days, it just wears us down but, what can you do there is no real legal defense against her demands and harrasment. The whole thing is just frustrating and sad. All we are doing is loving this child and trying to be the best parents we can be for her and raise her with loving guidance and structure. In saying all this I want to close with Please, Please all you parents and step parents Please keep the focus on whom and where it should be. ” The Children”
Just a note
I am a mother whos children ahve step parents and I myself had step parents.
My fiance and I have been living together for over three years and he has 2 children from his first marriage. We have had his daughter week on/week off for the entirity and it has had moments of heaven and hell. At 11 almost twelve, she was VERY emotionally needy for female attention, constantly clinging to me, following me everywhere around the house, talking my ear off, and just needing positive attention. I gave it to her without compromising the expectations and standards of behavior I had for her (things like “please”, “thank you”, doing chores, being respectful to her dad AND her mother, homework before TV, junk food as a treat, etc) It was fine at first but now at 14 almost 15 I’m ready to throw it all in.
My fiance, being filled in on the stuff his daughter has been talking to me about (the rude behavior, how she admits to guilting her mother into buying her whatever she wants and letting her do whatever she wants, etc.) admitted to not wanting to know any of that and leaving the child raising to me.
This child now wants to live with her mother full time, doesn’t think she should have to do chores, throws temper tantrums if we don’t buy her whatever she asks for, and is just awful to me.
It is such a struggle to be the adult in the situation and not put her in her place. It’s hard to step back and disassociate, leaving everything to him, because I still wind up doing all the cooking, cleaning, parenting, and correcting the rudeness. I don’t know what to do anymore…… I’m not an evil stepmother. I love her but i certainly don’t like her very much and am very close to paying her mother child support (she makes 3X more a year than I do) to keep her devil’s spawn of a teenager with the emotional maturity of a 2 year old.