Discipline: Speaking from experience…
Adele Cornish, BSW
Here’s some advice I received from a women regarding her experience of how discipline works in her blended family:
“A counselor told me my children are mine to discipline and to raise. If there should be any issues, my spouse should bring them to me and we should discuss them and come to a resolve before we change anything or discuss issues with my kids. At times, I was so frustrated because I felt like I was alone in raising my kids but in end this style was right on. My spouse did not discipline my children, I did. He did not make changes and demands on my children, I did. This way he was never the “bad step-parent”. I know at times this is hard for my new current spouse but it truly has helped in the transition of becoming a blended family. My step-children do not know my frustration, changes in the home or how I feel over certain situations. This enables us to have a better relationship.”
What are your thoughts on this approach? Have you tried it? Do you agree with it? I look forward to your response.
Warm regards
Blended Family Advisor
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We have tried this but the kids know it comes from me, because their father will come home and discipline them about things that happened while they were home alone with me. They then see me as a “dobber” which I think they hate more than if I had just disciplined them myself.
Yes, we have tried this too but it doesn’t seem to work in our household. The children need to know that my husband & I are on a united front. I am alone with the children for most of the day & there is no way that I could wait until he came home before discipline was enforced.
I suggested this to my spouse but she didn’t agree with the idea and continues to discipline whenever she feels that it’s needed. I don’t agree with her and she is not willing to compromise.
So I really like the “idea” of this, but what if my spouse doesnt generally discipline? He is a very very relaxed father, and doesnt expect much of anything out of his daughter and on the other hand I have expectations for mine… so it leaves me in a bad position because she has to behave and somebody has to say something. I have also been the one who “tells” on certain actions that happen when he is not home and then not only am I a tattle tale in her eyes, I am also “picking” on her in her dads eyes
In my situation, I have become the disciplinarian because my new wife will not. I discipline my son and hers and often at her request. I am fair to both. But, it must be realized that like bio parents, blended parents will bring different strengths to the table. And, if you love and trust each other, you can defer a role to the other. Each situation will have diffent factors for success.
I have mixed feels also on this idea. My husband has never really disaplined his 3 girls or had household chores…than I come along and have standards, which are not too high-but requires respect. I find we disagree on how they should pick up after themselves or what I can say to them. I think he is afraid they will not want to stay with us with some rules, because bio mom does not have any either. These girls are teenagers they can have responsibilities. They need to see both of us united. I am open to even have bio mom apart of our family, but she is too threaten by me.
I have tried this but find myself in the same respect as the others as to being alone with the children so they know when i “tattled” on them and have been accused of trying to come between them and have regretted saying anything at all. On the other hand I will say something to my kid when he comes home with grades that don’t reach my expectations (D) and i ask him not to say anything ‘I have it under control”. The step-parent will step in and take over. If his children come home with grades not up to par (D & F) I am told to stay out of it by both the bio mom and dad. They need to see us as one looking forward to their future but in the end it is the opposite.
Currently my partner and I both discipline his kids as we see fit and he totally backs me up.
I do really worry about how the kids see it though. When he tells them off, they probably think ‘oh Dad’s really mad at us, we must have been naughty’ but if I do I expect they probably think ‘man, XXX is nasty’.
Thats the struggle we have – we can easlity be seen as the bad guy.
My boyfriend and are are struggling with our blended family. Things have gotten so bad that I am thinking about leaving the relationship. I am feeling guilty of putting my children (2 boys-15 & 13) in a unhappy stressful household. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years, but have only lived together for the past 4 years. He has a daughter who is 16 and he shares joint custody with her mother. I have my boys most of the time except every other weekend. Currently I do most of all the discipline of my 2 sons, but my style doesn’t seem to be the same as my boyfriends and he lets me know it constantly of how I parent wrong. I feel defensive all the time to protect my kids. My boyfriend and I don’t communicate well, and we fight way to much. My children can tell that most of my discipline comes from being forced by my boyfriend. What bothers me the most is what we fight about. Most seem trivial to me like: my kids such as shoes being messy in the mud-room, showers being more than 5 minutes or that my 15 year son wants to take a shower everyday, doing home-work on the sofa, having a snack or using the ice-machine after 8:30 at night. My kids are good kids, they play sports and make honor-roll in school and they don’t usually talk back. These are teenage boys, they tend to have attitudes, they tend to try get away without doing some chores or tend to have a mouth every now and again. I just feel that my boyfriend acts more like a child at times them my own children. He currently doesn’t even talk to my 15 year old son. My son isn’t always easy to live with and he can be very demanding at times, and self centered, but what teenager isn’t? When my boyfriends daughter comes over, he changes. He becomes more talkative and outgoing and seems happier to be around. My boys have seen this for the past 4 years? What does that do to them? They can sense the disappointment in my boyfriend, how they feel they can never do anything right. My boyfriend is very vocal to me when they do something wrong, but hardly ever acknowledges them when they do many things right. What is a mother to do? I have to choose my kids well being over my boyfriend and my relationship. I never thought it would be like this, end up like this, but I am so lost and in the middle and I feel my kids are paying the price.
I have found that my partner says he wants to treat my children the same as his boys (who are two and three times older than my children). We have many disagreements over the amount and style of discipline he carries out with my children. I feel as though he is constantly looking for things to “pick on”with my children, and to make things worse, my mum and sister have seen this behaviour and don’t agree with it at all. When I try to address the issue, my partner gets extremely defensive and an arguement ensues. I feel that I have to walk around biting my tongue constantly when it comes to disciplining his two boys (one teenager and the other twenty) and yet I am supposed to sit back and watch my children (10 and7) be ripped to shreds. I am afraid my children will want to leave me and go live with their father if something doesn’t change soon. I feel totally helpless as to what to do or who to turn to. I have been in this blended situation for two years, and have nearly called it quits on two occassions. After the last time, I made the decision that my relationship with my partner(as difficult as it can be at times) was worth fighting for. I am just terrified of losing my children in the process. I know my partner loves me dearly, but I feel as though he merely tollerates my children. The atmoshpere in the house is completely different when my children go to their father’s. The minute they come home, he is again, looking for something to criticise or pick on my children. I feel like I have to constantly defend and protect them which causes even more problems when my partner believes he’s done nothing wrong. I feel as if life is becoming such a daily struggle and I end up disciplining my children or become harder on them myself to try and fend off my partner’s actions. I just never thought it could be this difficult. If only I knew how to approach my partner to discuss my feelings without him becoming so defensive. I would appreciate any suggestions or advice.
I so feel your pain. Reading your story I thought I was reading mine. I myself feel hopeless in the middle and have the fear of losing my children to their father. I thought I was trying to provide a happy safe caring home. I’ve come to realize that it’s not a happy home at all, it’s a home of trying to get through the day. My oldest son who is 15 broke down yesterday and told me how much he hates living at our house, how hard and unfair it is, and how he hates to be around my boyfriend. I know the time has come for me to face reality that we will never be the family I thought we can and could be. I don’t think my boyfriend can change, he is who he is. I thought my relationship was worth fighting for, but I am finding out that my children will be the one to lose, and I can’t deal with that and I won’t accept that. I will not choose my relationship over my children, in a good happy healthy relationship a mother shouldn’t have to choose.
I have to agree with the counselor about the discipline. We tried being a team about the discipline but he was to harsh with his punishments. I remember one situation this summer that he wanted to take my daughters phone because she left a frying pan in the sink. I did not see that as a reason to take the phone and there was no reasoning with him because he stated he paid the phone bill. But she ended up getting the phone back. Now I got her a phone on my line because I am the biological parent and I know her better than he does. This is a different era the children are growing up into with gangs, and drive-bys. My daughter needs her phone for safety purposes. He sees this a children being in his pocket but I do not they are children. My daughter also understands that when she get a job it will be her responsibilty to pay for her phone bill. I later told my husband that he was to overly critical when it came to her and the way she does things.(He wanted things his way and there was no other way. Both me and my daugher told him that he was not God.) I have to admit that since this conversation has taken place there has been peace in our home. He now sees that he was trying to hard and it blew up in his face. The two barely say anything to each other but I told him to give it time and everything will work itself out.
I am SO GLAD that I found this website and blog because it really helps me to stay focused along with praying and going to church. I can really see that other people are going through the same thing and there is help out there.
I met one of my step-sons in person. (They are grown and I talk to the other one on the phone sometime) He is 20 years old and wants to go to college. His father said that the 20 year can’t afford to go to college. I suggested the military because they will pay for his education. It went in one ear and out the other. I’m not going to force the issue but if the step-son comes to me and talk about it I will bring it to his attention. Afterall he is grown but still needs guidance.
I’m just learning that my husband was physically abused by his parents and he wanted to do the same thing to the children. I told him that abuse begets abuse the cycle has to be broken. He sees that he has been abused but I guess he does not know how to break it. I broke some of my cycles that was in my family and children are just fine.
I subscribe to this website because like all of you, I have a blended family. My son is 16 and my BF’s daughters are 16 and 15 and his son is 12. I should be writing on this page about how neither of us take part in disciplining each other’s kids but after reading the comments from all of these women I feel compelled to give you all a wake up call.
I am first a child of divorce at 9 and my mother re-married when I was 12. She asked me if it was ok with me to marry him first. I lied because even at that young age I wanted my mom to be happy since my dad had left her for another woman and had devastated her. My step father then in his early 30’s was terrible to me growing up. I was picked on, ridiculed and worse, when I was in trouble my mother allowed him to do the disciplining. This man was nothing like my docile father and he terrified me most of the time. I was an only child and a very good girl up until then, but he made me feel like the black sheep of the family constantly. By 15, 16 after many altercations, yelling matches, and some physical fights, I despised my step father. When I would complain to my mother, she would almost dismiss me and instruct me to do whatever it takes to “keep the peace”. He accused me of things I didn’t do and lying so I just started rebelling in high school. In Grade 9 I moved out of their house and lived with my bio father for a year. My step mom turned out to be a worse drinker than my step father and also had physical violence tendencies. My mother would briefly seperate from my step father but it would be short lived. Their relationship was the most unhealthiest I had ever seen and it turned me into a scared, insecure little girl. With no self esteem at home, I turned to boys at 13 and drugs at 14. At 17, I quit high school so I could work and move out of my mom and step dad’s house. I ruined my own future because living there was HELL and all I could think about was leaving BOTH OF THEM. Every time my mom said she was going to leave him because of his at times horrible ill treatment of her, I would feel elated. She never did. I moved out at 17. I never wanted to return to their home as I had lost ALL respect for my mother. It took until I was nearly 40 to learn to find a form of respect for her again.
My POINT is, if your children’s welfare and happiness is as important to you as you profess on this blog… if your child is telling you they are not happy in YOUR home because of who YOU have chosen to live with… if you know in your heart your child is not exagerating their situation to suit their own selfish needs…. then you need to LISTEN. if you can’t find a way to turn the situation around for YOUR CHILD then you need to LEAVE!!! I would have held my mother in the highest of high regards if she’d had enough SELF ESTEEM to leave my jerk step father when she was in her 30’s. In my opinion my mother did not have enough self worth for herself to leave him.. first bad example as children ARE products of their environment; she did not place my happiness a priority over my step-father’s which made me feel like I was not as important to her as he was – even though I CAME FIRST!
I am now 46 and my mom is still married to my step-father. It took me having a child to develop a better relationship with my step-father… because he idolizes his grandson. Had it not been for that, I would not have cared a less if he lived or died.
Your kids will inevitably think ill towards YOU in the end, not the step parent if you stay in an unhealthy relationship because they will BLAME YOU for not leaving and sparing your child of the anguish when you could have done something about it. Actions always speak louder than words and kids…are always more perceptive than we give them credit for. Please take heed to my story and reflect on what you are doing and if you can’t fix things, what you need to do.
And since I wrote to this page, I should elaborate the obvious. I do not allow my live in boyfriend of 5 years to discipline my child. Like all of you I feel he picks at my son through me over stupid things that will mean nothing in five years. I think he feels his kids can do no wrong and he feels his way of parenting is better than mine. Because of my step father and the negative impact he had on my life, I vowed I would NEVER live with a man that my son did not like or get along with. I do not let my boyfriend co-parent my son with me [even though my son’s bio father died when he was 2] because I am probably over terrified that my son never develops feelings of hatred towards his step father. Due to my hatred of my step father every time he disciplined me, whether warranted or not, I never wanted to my son to experience those feelings of hatred to someone that lives in HIS home. The method is probably not the best way, but it is how it has to work for me since I’ve raised him alone mostly since 2 yrs old. With his father passing away, I knew I was the only one on this planet that would PROTECT him and guard him, not just as his mother but as his father also. At 16, he is an average teenager but still a very good boy. He doesn’t mouth me off, he does what I ask [by the second request of course], he plays hockey and I feel very lucky. But I knew it could have turned out so differently if I had chosen to stay with someone that my son resented or disliked. I guess I created an environment for my son, where he alway liked his step father by not letting my boyfriend submit his opinion. It has kept them as buddies which is alot better than what I had so I am happy with that.
Michelle, thank you very much for your story. It is truly an eye opener. I only wish to all of us in this blog to have enough courage and self esteem to stand up for our kids, so their step-parent treats them right and to never let our kids be hurt emotionally or physically. This is a great example. Thank you. I also wonder when Adele will give her expert opinion and advice in these blogs. I have been reading and find my problems so similar to the ones you are all sharing, it is amazing. But we need not only talk, we need a constructive advice, to do something that works, something that would improve our lives and end our daily struggles, especially when it comes to discipline children.
In my opinion, the rules and incentives should be the same, the spendings as well, and the parents should enforce what is agreed on when they are alone, not only when the other parent is there. Fairness seems to be the toughest part and also how to discipline a step-child without getting the other parent in a defense or offense mode. Adele, please, help out here. Should we just shut up in the presence of the other parent or make sure the rules are enforced as agreed?
@Yoanna: Great question. Unless you are completely certain your partner, the bio parent will back you (the stepparent) up if an issue arises, then I would advise to proceed cautiously. If you don’t have their support and children sense there’s no unity, they will side with their bio parent which ultimately causes more friction. There’s no harm in taking ‘time out’ as a couple to discuss and decide on the best course of action before addressing it with the child/children concerned. For more information on how to form a behavior plan that you both agree on, check out session 3 of the Blending Lives Program here https://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com//details2/
I am grateful for all who have shared their story. I realize that as mothers living in a man’s world we still have so much to deal with that works against us even in the 21st century. How many men feel the fear of losing their kids? How many men are stuck in a situation because they cant afford to move out? I had not realized that this is as much a feminist issue as it is step parenting issue. But I have to agree with Melanie, there is no relationship that is worth sacrificing our children for. A mother shouldn’t have to choose between a happy relationship and losing her kids. Any man that makes you choose will probably not bring you happiness anyway. As for the discipline, I have tried to encourage a joint decision but with the bio parent communicating the result. I say try, because in the end my partner usually backs out and let’s his kids do as they please even after we have agreed on a decision. And it seems like men are always harder on boys and push-overs for girls. My first husband had a daughter from his first marriage and she had total control of our lives. I left after 2 years. Now my fiance has a daughter and son and I watch how unfair he treats our boys and allows his daughter to do as she pleases. It is becoming clear to me that this is not what I want in my life and certainly not what I want for my son.
Hi guys….I have just read Zelda and Michelle’s comments and I was in tears. My story is similar to Zelda’s that I have only one daughter, 11years, and she’s an angel. Yes, she’s growing and I get the odd ‘backchat’ but she’s very well behaved as I’m very strict on discipline. My husbund is also very strict but tends to be harsher on her and lately I have really considered leaving him as I’m tired of his harsh moods. An example of what I’m talking about..he got upset with her for going out(he told her to go with her friends as she’s always home) and not doing her chores(they had just come home from school so she didn’t have time to do it) and greeting him when she gets up in the morning(he wants her to go looking for him before she even goes to the loo!). He has 3 kids..17, 15 and 11. They live in another country and I thought this would help as they were VERY rude to my daughter and myself and his family, including my husband made it clear that they not my kids to discipline when rude. The son is coming to live with us and rules have been laid down. My daughter and I don’t mind as we hope this would change his harshness! His eldest has written him a letter stating that he’s not her father any longer. He was very upset and we supported him. I even phoned his daughter to ask if I could help and ‘apologise’ if I had hurt her. She was very nice and polite over the phone. However when she spoke to the family the little minx turned everything around and said I had said bad things to her!
Reading all your comments I feel I should try discipling my daughter alone. It might cause a ‘stir’ as we are together so long now.
I just spoke to my daughter over the phone and she’s in such a panic as she’s being collected and my husband has not even given her lunch.
Sometimes small things sound petty but my daughter suffers and as Michelle said we need to think of our kids first!
Hello- I just quickly wanted to give another side to some of the stories I’m reading here. It sounds like all of you raising your own children in a blended situation have really good kids- so maybe this doesn’t apply to you- but when really listening to your children i urge you to try and understand when your children are manipulating to get their way. Mty step son begged his father not to marry me- he said things weren’t “fun” at the house anymore, that I am too controling, and that he liked it at mom’s better. I admit, I have some control issues that I work on- but my step son was manipulating his father. He was on drugs, getting in trouble at school, and bullying his little sisters. I opened a diolouge between his mother, myself, and my husband- and we all decided how best to help him and how they could better dicipline him. I am so proud to say that he has now gone from straight F’s to A’s, B’s and C’s- he is off drugs, he no longer gets into trouble at school, he’s much more respectful around the house- he’s just a brand new kid. If my husband had “listened” to him and been taken in by him ( he almost was)my step son would still be controling the household.
I have to agree with the counselor about the discipline. We tried being a team about the discipline but he was to harsh with his punishments. I remember one situation this summer that he wanted to take my daughters phone because she left a frying pan in the sink. I did not see that as a reason to take the phone and there was no reasoning with him because he stated he paid the phone bill. But she ended up getting the phone back. Now I got her a phone on my line because I am the biological parent and I know her better than he does. This is a different era the children are growing up into with gangs, and drive-bys. My daughter needs her phone for safety purposes. He sees this a children being in his pocket but I do not they are children. My daughter also understands that when she get a job it will be her responsibilty to pay for her phone bill. I later told my husband that he was to overly critical when it came to her and the way she does things.(He wanted things his way and there was no other way. Both me and my daugher told him that he was not God.) I have to admit that since this conversation has taken place there has been peace in our home. He now sees that he was trying to hard and it blew up in his face. The two barely say anything to each other but I told him to give it time and everything will work itself out.
I am SO GLAD that I found this website and blog because it really helps me to stay focused along with praying and going to church. I can really see that other people are going through the same thing and there is help out there.
I met one of my step-sons in person. (They are grown and I talk to the other one on the phone sometime) He is 20 years old and wants to go to college. His father said that the 20 year can’t afford to go to college. I suggested the military because they will pay for his education. It went in one ear and out the other. I’m not going to force the issue but if the step-son comes to me and talk about it I will bring it to his attention. Afterall he is grown but still needs guidance.
I’m just learning that my husband was physically abused by his parents and he wanted to do the same thing to the children. I told him that abuse begets abuse the cycle has to be broken. He sees that he has been abused but I guess he does not know how to break it. I broke some of my cycles that was in my family and children are just fine.
@anonymous: @anonymous: I have the same problem. My wife doesn’t like the fact that I say something to her daughter who is 9 and ADHD. Granted she has this condition and I understand the hyperactivity but this doesn’t give the daughter a reason to just do things just to be doing them. For example I have a sone and a daughter my son 13 and daughter 10 now my son lives with me and daughter comes weekends. Her daughter will do things to my son such as see him playing his psp and sit it down while he goes and gets a drink and pick it up and start messing with it or this one time he had a sunburn and she just started slapping it and wouldnt stop after he asked her to please dont cause it hurt, or she will spray her body spray on him and he gets tired of it. Now when I say something to my wife about it she says oh everything is her fault or she will get mad and storm off and end up sleeping in another room all because she is mad I said something. now with my daughter she is the type who likes to watch cartoons and play with toys, so when she is down visiting she ddoes that and Im totally fine with that. She is a quiet kid very respectful and kind but when it comes to playing with her step sister she does but when the step sister starts trying to boss her and say things like I want that toy or come play with me while she is watching a show my wife gets mad about that all because my daughter is watching a cartoon and not wanting to play at that time. I need answers cause its almost impossible to talk to my wife about it without her getting defensive and giving the whoa is my daughter getting the blame for everything when thats not true , now she does alot of things like talk back to her mom and call her stupid say stuff just to try and make her mom feel bad so she will giver her what she wants.
OUCH! She sounds like me. I get upset often about these types of things. I storm off or end up yelling “why do you treat him that way”? Perhaps your SD needs more attention and affection from YOU! Sometimes they act like this to get attention and children with ADHD have a greater need for genuine love and affection.
@Melanie: I am going through the almost exact same thing. Now we are expecting a child together, so the thought of ending this relationship is even harder! Wish I had some advice, but it’s not working on my end either. Take care!
I have tried so hard to get along with my husband’s children. He has (2) girls & (1)boy. We just went to the wedding reception on Sunday for his son & new wife. It went ok but my stepson barely spoke to me, danced with his Mom , did not include me or even my husband to dance with his wife, and also the girls were very abrupt with me? I get along with his ex but have noticed my stepson especially does nothing to throw kindness my way, I invite them for different things, he may come but still very aloof with me, I did not cause the divorce . They were divorced for about 2 years before we met. I don’t know how or if we can get closer. Any ideas? Thanks Beverly!
I think a blended family is just different from a intact , become of the way its formed. depending on how people go about can give different out comes also everyone different in their situation , but what everyone has in common weather intact or blended . they all have one thing in common their is husband and wife and children and everyone needs to feel equally loved regardless what their relationships are.
I believe weather children follow a adult commitment or if their were children their first. its takes a strong commitment between the adults to make it work , love and respect loyalty and communication is not only what makes or breaks the marriage but the whole family.
Children need that foundation to feel secure.
marriage is first proity cant not run a house hold regardless of how it is ran if the adults can not work together as a team.
children depend on that for everything that’s in their life they depend on their step/bio relationship.
cant not fix discipline issues unless both parents are in it together.nothing segregates afaimly more than segregated adults runing the house hold.
first, and foremost i don’t think children are receptive to discipline when if the bond and love isnt close with the one who disciplines , this to me apply to both bio or step.
A step parent takes a long time to build a relationship with the step kid this should be done before any such discipline should take place.They will resent and loath a step parent other wise so they older the kid is less likely discipline will be that effective from a step parent.
In those cases i agree bio should be the one to carry out the discipline however parents should appear as united front always . to show that you both fully support the rules inside and out side the home. but consequences and rules should be given from bio parent so the teenager knows bio is serious.If step parent is left alone with stepp kids the need to be able to keep them under control if its something that cannot wait till parent gets home , bio parent should make it very clear that the rules apply to them ,that the step parent is the ADULT IN CHARGE and that they are to mind them while they are not present.
the consequences should be the same and consistent. nothing should change unless bio parent changes it . another words , step and bio decide it first then bio communicates to the child while step p is present.
children need to know what ROLE their step parent plays in their family .and understand it clearly .they need to know that as astep parent they due have a say in how things go,they need to know that the bio parent has the final say.
Just tonight my wife went to bed and let her son, (14). Stay up in his room, playing online video games, past his bedtime, I was down stairs watching TV, her son was so loud with his laughing and yelling, (because he was also talking to friends, via headset, ), that I coulnt believe it, after about 25 minutes I went into our bedroom to check if wife was asleep, she asked me to tell him to settle down, making me the bad guy, I told her she let him stay up past his bedtime, she has to do it, was that the write thing for me to say?