Different parent, different rules: Does it work?
Adele Cornish, BSW
Mike and I have been running a lot of seminars lately and we always enjoy seeing couples connecting with other parents/stepparents in a blended family; it helps them feel not so ‘alone’ in their experience. So, instead of giving you one of my regular tips today, I’d love for you to share with others from your own wisdom and experience in response to this question:
Do you and your partner have different rules for each other’s children?
Some couples manage to negotiate and eventually agree on rules/expectations and consequences with their partner however many find this very difficult to say the least. Here’s what one couple has done in this case:
“Due to the fact that our parenting styles differ vastly, I’m strict and my husband is very lenient, we have had to decide to discipline separately. While we will discuss the discipline ultimately the bio parent will discipline the bio child. This has freed us to appreciate each other and love one another with our differences.”
Sometimes parents have one set of rules for their own children while their partner’s children have another. For example, your children might be allowed 1 hour TV per day while your partner’s children catch watch it anytime they like.
If you have tried this approach, would recommend it to others?
Please answer below.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor
p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer!
p.p.s. For specific information on how to negotiate discipline issues, please click here
Yes we too find this a very hard thing to agree totally on, so discipline our own bio children when it comes down to the crunch. we both agree that so long as both our children are respectful towards both of us as parents then the rest will follow. It really seems to work and I get on so much better with my partners teenager as does my partner with my daughter. Its not easy being a ‘step parent’ so to speak but at the end of the day the most important thing is our love and relationship with each other as a couple
I wish having two styles of parenting worked but it didn’t for my partner and I. We have been together 6 years and lived together twice with teenage children. My style is consistant and firm from when the kids were little and as teenagers have had no problems. My partner is inconsistant and whatever. It’s been so difficult as his children now have so many issues as young adults that he has had to go back and re-parent them at 18 and 19. And I have had to move out and let him try and deal with it himself because I don’t believe he would have backed me up if I contributed my knowledge and experience. He didn’t want to listen to me in the past and I believe it is too late now to step in. I don’t believe he would support me %100 and his kids know how to work their father’s guilt. I really don’t understand why father’s have this guilt and can’t let it go.The kids have got his attention and have now got him to themselves. A waste of 6 years for me as I thought things with the kids would improve as they got older. Unfortunately this has cause a great deal of pain and distress for my partner and I.
I am amazed that anyone would think it was OK to treat children in the same house differently! What is that teaching them? My partner has always been really soft on his kids while I am fair but firm on mine. As a result my kids have had to stand by and watch his get away with blue murder and boy has that built up a mountain of resentment. His kids have never learnt how to budget and are constantly demanding we put our hands in our pockets even now they are grown and there is still very much the ‘us and them’ thing going on. How can anyone call that blending!
We had complete different parenting styles. Eventually it led to my having to compromise my beliefs and rules to his leniency in every area because of the influence of his children on mine, and I was not happy with that.
I think it builds resentment amongst the step-siblings. I have seen it happen in my house. We have been married for four years, living together for six and there are still issues. My children feel that his kids can do whatever they please, while they have stricter rules and consequences. I have tried to explain that their father and I have higher standards and expectations for them. I did not have much influence on my stepkids younger years, they were 8 and 10 when we met. My kids were 8 and 5. Although, ideally, it sounds like a good plan for the adults, it could and does breed resentment amongst the children.
We are learning so much about rules. My husband had none yet I had many. Without the same rules the kids from each bio parent begin resenting the other kids “special treatment.” With the same rules they see parents that support each other even if they don’t agree with every detail of a rule. Kids want to see parents support each other.
What a load of garbage. I was in a relationship for 9 years with a blended family and I could not even imagine having different rules for my child vs his children. That would have created such discord not only among the kids but between me and my partner. Question, when you live in a household with both adults working full time on different schedules, how would it be possible for only the bioparent to preform the discipline if they aren’t there?
We are beginning down this path. I was on my own with my girls for 14 years before I remarried. My children are not used to a father-figure and while they definitely respect him, he entered a house with a triangle of women that know each other very well. My discipline style is more on tuning into what is going on underneath and addressing those issues and his is more of a traditional disciplinarian. In some cases, he is absolutely correct. But when I don’t discipline the way he wants me to, we argue. Because sometimes I know that there is something else going on and what I’m seeing is a cry for help. In the end, we are learning to discipline separately and it is difficult to accept. When his children are around, I do not discipline. If I see a time when discipline is needed, I will speak to my husband in private, but this is a rare occurrence because his children are not with us every day.
While we both have different ways of parenting our 3 each different girls(mine 14 and 11) (his 8) I find it hard to explain to my older mature girls why she is treated different and they have to live to a higher standard of maturity. They resent her and her dad. How can I help them understand we are a family but I expect them to live to their best potential regardless of what they see with their younger step sister? Big struggle for 5 yrs and getting oh so old and harder to deal with. Her dad is super sensitive to the fact she is ADD ADHD and can really be hard to keep up with at times. Sincerely, Step Mom wanting to be fair and Mom who keeps respect for her own daughters.
The problem I have is that my wife is more lenient than I am. She has two children, a 17yo girl and 15yo boy. Both with ADHD and some other issues. Too many times I feel my wife is allowing her children to manipulate her. However, we have decided that she needs to be the disciplinarian with her kids. This is very hard for me to sit back and watch when the kids are disrespecting her. In the end, I believe when two couples blend, it’s ok for the step parent to become the disciplinarian as well, both both parents (bio and step) need to stand behind or support the other.
Most definitely not! This “different parent, different rules” system encourages more division in the family. One parent cannot play an independent role. Remember, you are blending a family. It’s not yours or mine but ours. You have to work out your differences and find common grounds. The biological and stepparent both decide on house rules (roles, chores, family manners,discipline, etc.). Couples sit down and determine conflicts, agree how to resolve it, from there parents craft the rules in a positive form (use do’s not don’ts) and present it at a family meeting. Encourage the children to participate by allowing them to present their ideas. However, their suggestions are subject to parent approval. Good manners are practiced at every family meetings. It takes a lot of work and time but as the old saying goes, the family that works together stays together. After almost 3 years now, our blended family is still a work in progress but at least there is progress 😉
I do not recommend having different rules for different blended children- one set for one spouses bio children and another set for the other spouses bio children.
I am married and have three biological children, 6, 6, and 8 and my spouse has a daughter that is 7. If one of us so much as is more lenient or tough on our children then they will cry that it is unjust and unfair and in the cases where my husband is less stringent with his daughter with whom he only sees twice week, they simply think she is “treated better” and that they are subordinate and inferior to her because the same rules do not apply to her — It has caused an unbelievable amount of strain and sense of unfairness with my children. For example, if one of my children brings a drink into the living room they will immediately get scolded that that is against the rules — whereas if my spouses daughter brings a drink in the living room she is usually allowed to sit there and drink it and she is an age that is right in the middle of my children. My children are irate when they see this claiming that they should have the same opportunities ans my spouses daughter, that she is just treated better and on a higher lever etc.
Because of this, I simply will not tolerate my husband bending the rules for his daughter at least when I am around and/or the children are around — Because of the damage it ensues on my children — that they are some how “less then” his daughter. I get absolutely irate if I see my spouse inflict this emotional damage on my children and simply will not tolerate it. We have rules in the house for the children and all children are subject to the same set of rules, regardless of who is the biological child or not. Without this uniformity one side of the children will feel less then, inferior, not as special etc. I have tried both ways and in my opinion different rules for different children DOES NOT WORK!!
I love separate parenting, but the rules should always be fair. The bio parent being the “nagger” and disciplinarian definitely keeps the stress off the step parent. Rules of the house should be the same for all, although we all know this doesn’t happen for all sorts of reasons…when it does, blending will have truly happened!
This does not work…. too many times, no matter how you explain it, one child will have a rebellious flair.
When in a “family” atmosphere, I believe the family should have a firm set of rules, then they can set individual rules as deemed necessary for the circumstances.
This way, no one child is left confused, and if 1 parent should be away, the other parent will know exactly the right answer to give in situations.
My step-daughter has been in numerous manipulation tactics against me, and has made her life a complete mess due to “no clear boundaries” set by my husband. Her life is not what he or she anticipated, and now she is dealing with the severe consequences.
My child had boundaries. And when my husband was away, my rules were handed to his daughter as well. My child had complete honesty by me as to why and why not. His daughter did not like rules as “my daddy lets me do it” attitude. My son has has prospered into “real life” situations and is more equipped to handle anything. The step-daughter has been left with a “I deserve” and “it all about me” syndrome…. Real Life finally hit her…. however her continued manipulation and “use” of anyone she has not burned a bridge yet is still her way of life…. Her father finally saw the light, but not until we were almost divorced be cause of her lies.
Ultimately, all children under one roof should have a base set of rules, so as not to manipulate the adults that live there too! Everyone on the same page.
Having different sets of rules can create a whole set of problems. For example if one parent allows the child to watch only 1 hour of TV but the other parent allows his own child to watch TV anytime then how do you properly explain the difference to the children involved? how do you keep it fair? I think there needs to be an equal agreement between the parents in situations like this. Having a blended family is EXTREMELY difficult in so many aspects. It is a constant challenge that I feel requires constant attention and re-adjusting on both parents and sometimes that doesn’t happen and further complicates issues.
Unfortunately we have not come to a decision on this, but I have to say we are getting closer. Our situation is a little different in that my son has no father figure except my new husband and he lives with us 100%. While his children have their mother in their lives and go between houses 50/50. With that my husband finds it very difficult to leave all the discipline to me with regards to my son, even when that is what I am most comfortable with. We now seem to most of the time have a conversation or many times an argument over proper discipline and then he will most of the time leave it to me, but if he does not like it I hear about it for several days.As for his children he says I can discipline them and sometimes that is ok but he really has a blind spot with them because he doesn’t want them to not “like” our house and he has a hard time seeing that some of their behavior is not except able to me. So yes there are different rules for the children and that has come to be difficult for my son to understand and I can’t say that I blame him.
My husband and I don’t necessarily have different rules as much as we have different expectations for how the rules are followed and communicated to our 4 children. For example, going to bed at night. We will ask the kids to get ready for bed and his kids will immediately go and mine will linger a while and I may have to ask 2 or 3 times more before it’s done. Then our issue becomes why did I let them act that way. Often times it comes down to our individual value systems of what is more important. I value academics and homework and my husband values hard work and follow through on everything. We aren’t the best at communicating our frustrations with each other however we are trying to appreciate our differences and place value on how we are pleased with our childrens maturity and uniqueness. It’s hard work that’s for sure!
I think that approach in general could solve many complications though if the non-bio parent is going to be an active parent and only resides with the step-children, it become more difficult. I am the “strict” non-bio parent and my wife is the “enabler” which is usually a diffcult combination. My wife tend to “discipline” only when she is overt angry vs. my self-reported consistently, “strict” appoach tending to focus simply on the basic of the step-children’s responsibilities. Many times my wife tends to view my style as bias even though my bio son lives at his college and has never lived with us over a week straight though is over for the weekends on occasion. I often am frustrated by the fact that I was the same parent to my son when he lived with me though my wife thinks I am “strict” only to my step-children because they are step-children. I have attempted to convince her that I would be the same parent to any child who I had any responsibility to. Even as a mental health professional, I really had no idea how complicated a blended family system truly is until I became actively involved. I knew the theory, but the practice seems to be at least, a once a week struggle!
After many different attempts, we also came to this solution. It was the best option and worked the best. It was the only method that was peaceful for parents and the children accepted and could also agree with (all teen years).
Our family has different parenting styles. I am more strict and my husband is very laid back with his discipline. Since we have different rules/consequences my children feelings are hurt and they don’t think it is fair. So in our family this has not been a positive solution. We have 4 girls and 3 are teenagers.
It is interesting to read everyone’s postings. My husband is more lenient with his children but since blending we are trying to have consistent rules for all 5 children. I can’t personally imagine having separate rules for each group of children – as said above it would be a breeding ground for resentment amongst parents and children.
There doesn’t appear to be any ‘support-type groups’ in Auckland for blended families / step parents. Anyone interested in meeting for a wine to discuss relevant blending issues, say once a month?
I tend to disagree. In our case, we are trying to show my partner’s children that they need to have respect for us and our property/rules but when we try to enforce it on them they start to rebel. However, if we show leniency ANYWHERE, whether it towards my children or his we’re seeing that if we give an inch they WILL take a mile and it backfires in a very negative way all around. It should be same rules, no exceptions, for everybody. It’s the only way to show consistency.
We have this problem as well. I am more strict with my children than he is with his. I have 3 children and he has 2 that live with us. He really favors his one child and the other is more like my child than his. The 4 children would constantly complain about the leniency’s and different treatment that this other child gets. My husband and I would argue and argue…and still do to an extent. Finally it got bad enough and I was so tired of all of the children coming to me and complaining. And I was to tired of always being mad at my husband and completely resenting this child. That is exactly what this does is creates resentment for the one that gets the “special treatment” So I sat all of the children down with the exception of the one child that is very much favored by his dad. And I explained to them. Children…we can go on with our lives and get upset or mad everyday when these little small things happen or we think he gets better treatment or away with more or his dad does everything for him and makes him have no responsibilities…Or we can sit back and watch it, We aren’t going to change him or his dad. But we can change the way it makes the rest of us feel. And just know that while it isn’t always fair, that life isn’t always fair and I’m always here to defend the rest of us when need be. But with these minor things..let’s just let it go. And we will all sit back one day and have a huge laugh when the rest of you are respectable and sucessful adults and the other child is 40 something and still living here at home with no job and his daddy doing everything for him. Then you will be able to look back and say WOW…I’m so glad that mom was strict with us kids and really taught us how to be and I’m glad that we were raised learning all of the things it takes to be an adult and live in an adult world. Now I realize this doesn’t solve any problems. But little by little my husband slowly realizes what he is doing. And in the mean time the rest of us just sit back and roll our eyes.
We have only been married two years & didn’t live together before hand. We have 7 children between us & all children live with us permantly. The first year was extremely hard with lots of resentment as my husbands children liked just having dad as they pretty well ran the house. All aged under 14. I brought into the family house two daughters that weren’t used to having younger children let alone 5 of them around. I tended to be the stricter parent & struggled with the lack of discipline from my husband. It was a hard time for all. But with God’s help & a determination on both our parts we have got thru it so far. It is too hard to think that the bio parent does the disciplining when parents work. The parent that is home with the children has to be able to discipline all children. As yes there will be resentment. The last thing the other parent wants is to come home to a complaining husband/wife & to be told their child did this did that so now you need to sort it out. Not a nice feeling to walk into. And if the parent doesn’t discipline then there again is resentment. I agree there has to be rules the same for all children & also consequences that are for all children. I am so thankful for the Lord’s help & a husband that is determined to work thru issues. we may not agree on all things, but we are getting there. Hang in there everyone. If you want your blended family to work it means everyone has to work at it. Not just the parents. When we got married in the vowels were promises made by the children too. Not just the parents. The children too have to try to make things work.
WOW! What stories! Thanks Sharon, it’s encouraging. I’m married 4 years and my 12yo daughter lives with us. My husbands kids(12,16 & 18) live with their mom. My husband now wants both sons to live with us but I cannot agree. The younger son yes as he idolizes his dad and his mom has more time for the older kids. The 16yo son is rude, disrespectful, arrogant,the list goes on. The times they’ve been with us my husband would discipline my daughter and younger son but cannot discipline the older kids. He feel he’s an absent dad and they play on his guilt! I cannot trust my husband to support me if the older son lives with us. Many of you would think I’m unfair but being belittled by your stepkids infront of others and then having to explain to your own daughter to ignore what’s happening and expect her to continue respecting my husband is hard. I am however blessed with an understanding child. Although I do not know what the future holds for me I know God will guide me through it all. Well done to those of you who have persevered. Personally I believe one set of rules for ALL kids. Too much resentment with kids and spouses.
~each child is a unique individual and must be disciplined according to “their” history, character, and their respective influences~
me and my wife found its better to have one set of rules and if thay change its by age and conducked
I think that you may have two different ways that you parent but you both need to compromise and agree on that for each child no matter whose they are.
We have tried all approaches to our children and yet have not reached one that seems to do the trick. When we just applied to our own children, well then the arguing of not being fair, so we applied to all and well we are now stuck in the whole, your not my parent ordeal. We have tried to support eachother and stand up for ones actions in front of the children (while talking on the side of course about how to handle such and such and coming up with an agreement), yet this does not seem to work at ALL. We are now to the point where we almost can’t stand one anothers kids and are beginning to resent our relationship, yet i do pride on we have continued to treat our youngest (ours together) complete and fair. Our children have become very rude on occasions and well just straight out defient. Please any comments as we are LOSING our family. We are on 4 yrs now and have put VERY much effort into our marriage and our children yet we are completely falling apart. It just seems as the best thing would be to split apart yet how do i take away our little girl from her FULL family and i would feel horrible as i do love my family (HIS KIDS TOO), we just really are not working. What to do????? I like the last statement by Cory, each child is unique and should be disciplined according to them, i believe their should be an overall guidline but individual to that child. This just does not happen in our home. Hubby and I are on two different ends when it comes to the kids now and dont know where to go from here. God Bless.
Wow – how interesting to read all of these comments. I am a step-mother to two girls – 161/2 and 18 – and have been doing this for 13 years with my husband. We have a son together who is 10 1/2. I feel the parenting has become more difficult as the step-children have got older – and the differences between my upbringing and my husband’s has become more pronounced. My upbringing was strict and that is how I work, and my husband’s was less strict and he tends to follow that model. I know that we need to meet in the middle with this so it is a work in progress. OUr issue is that my husband and I don’t disagree on the actual issue at hand, but how we deal with the issue. He tends to be very calm and I tend to raise my voice – and this really bothers my husband. Whereas, I believe that he needs to deal with the issues in a more firm way. When this happens, I then feel that he chooses his daughters over me, and my opinion doesn’t get considered. Again, the rationale truth probably lies in the middle of that. We don’t have these issues with our son as yet – we seem to be on the same page with him…
This is a great concern as I love my husband very much – should I be the one to change my behaviour with dealing with this? Am I in the wrong? Would love some feed back.
wow, freaky when you read through these and realise one of the posts is from your wife! (I love you Sharon 🙂 )
I agree that in general the rules have to be the same at each age/maturity level for all children. This is very hard to put into practice when there is a sudden change from something being ok with one parent to now it’s not ok in the blended family – all of a sudden the boundaries (and the enforcement of those boundaries in my case) have changed leading to confusion amongst the children and resentment.
However as parents it is our job to train them up in the way that they should go on, so as hard as it may be, we have to persevere.
It’s been a bitter pill for me to swallow at times, to realise that the parenting of my children has not been the best. I think it requires both parents to be humble about our areas of weakness, and be prepared to look at the children’s behaviour and attitudes objectively. It is very easy to become focussed on the negative and difficult aspects of the blanding process, but that isn’t going to achieve anything positive, so instead we need to make sure we still look for the good and have a laugh along the way.
At the end of the day all of the children will leave home, so I want to make sure I protect my primary relationship with my wife – it’s just that it can be a delicate balancing act at times!
Different discipline does not work, especially when the kids are close to the same age. My husband has two children (8 and 10 when we met 4 years ago), and I had a 6yo boy.
My child is with us full time and discipline from me was firm, fair and consistant. My husband rarely disciplined his children,who were with us 3 days per week. They are now with us for the full week, every 2nd week and as they are getting older he is finding he’s had to start to discipline. He has given me minimal support with trying to discipline his children.
This has led to me parenting my own children (we now have a 16mo girl together and another on the way in 2 months) and my husband to parent his own children. The children’s mother has done nothing to help our situation and his children show little resect for anyone or anything. As they have no respect, I now refuse to mind his children, and he has had to put in some hard parenting yards to do it himself.
This has caused friction between our children, in our marriage and in our relationship with each other’s children.
He has the idea that the kids will grow out of most of the issues on their own. I just hope that we can get through the damage done to our relationship in the mean time.
My SD has no rules when she comes over and was allowed to get away with everything. My kids have rules and are made to abide by them and my DH makes sure they do. He is in constant demand of them while his daughter is free to do as she pleases. My kids then had to clean up after her when she would leave bc who else would?! She has destroyed our personal belongings, stolen our personal belongings, wears my girls clothes without asking and she does NOT get anything said to her yet my girls do!! She lies about everything………and since I make these things known to my DH and he does nothing about it, he will take off and leave with her bc she is soooo miserable and go stay somewhere else, usually at his moms until she moved away. She has not come to visit for the past 3-4 years, except as punishment a couple of times, and I have gotten the blame as I have for everything else she has lied to everyone about. My DH blames me for everything and is in denial of the type of person his daughter has become and thinks she does no wrong!! It is constantly thrown up in my face.
All I can say is ” blood stays thicker than water”. No matter what you try, you will alwas be the stepmom. I tend to think that girls are the problem when it comes to any family as soon as they reach teenage. You know nothing in life, Church is for the old and boring etc ect…respect for any other person is impossible in their vocabulary. The stigma of daddy’s little girl is something all stepmoms have to live with untill on day she kicks you in the guts and more so her whole family and moves in with a 40year old man as a 18year old !!! Surprize!!!!!!!!!!.
My husband has left me to parent his three children and my own children and does not back up my discipline or rules and positively undermines them at times. He has wanted to be a friend to his children. The result? Two terribly behaved children, two confused children and one indifferent – and an unhappy marriage. It has to be both together with the focus on the relationship. You can’t be friends with your children unless you are a parent first.
I hate to see that I’m not alone in this issue but again, it’s kinda reassuring to know I’m not just being a “bitch” in my household. I am a mom of 3, 2 boys ages 7 & 6 and 1 girl, age 3. My partner has 1 stepson, age 8 and 2 bio kids, 1 girl age 5 and 1 boy age 2. So all together, that’s 6 kids from 2-8! I am very anal about having a nice, clean house and expect my kids to keep their rooms, bathroom, laundry, etc. picked up in a decent manner everyday! They don’t do the laundry, they just know where to put their dirty and clean clothes. Anyway, my partner doesn’t have ANY structure for his kids who only live with us every other week. They come to our house for a week at a time, leave dirty clothes, some peed in, wet towels, toys, etc. laying all over our house and he says absolutely NOTHING to them unless I bitch about it. My stress level is through the roof because I’m having to clean up more after his kids than I do my own. He is a terrible housekeeper himself and that makes me want to keep up the house even less. We are thankfully not married yet and the more time that passes, the less likely it is that we will get married unless he decides to have some structure in his and his kids lives! I don’t agree at all with the “you do your kids and I’ll do mine”…either we’re all in this together, or none at all!
Wow, I agree with the one who mentioned it is sad to see so many struggling. We have a similar situation to mast with the exception that kids range from middle school to adults. My wife has 2 and I 4.I am not one to live beyond my means however if my wife’s college age kids whimper she is there with credit card in hand. It is over compensation for a dad who doesn’t treat them equal. Of course my (younger kids) get a lecture about responsibility when they ask for name brands. The double standards are so bad my kids see and are developing resentment. It has put tremendous stress of the marriage and makes things like the holidays a miserable experience. I am not sure how to proceed from here but I would encourage all to find common ground and work from there. I have been at it for 3 years and haven’t found much to stand on.
When my partner’s only daughter (24) grew up his wife did the discipline and he supported her in whatever she wanted to do and still does. I have three grown ups (25,21 &21). The 21yr olds are paying off their cars and finding out about life the hard way. He took out a loan for her car. I am finding it intolerable that his daughter was meant to be paying off her car and is not. He is also paying her an “allowance” at her age. He is always praising everything that she does even though she is talking about starting up her own business and does not intend to pay it back. I see that it is going to be a bottomless pit this “allowance” and it makes me feel that I’m going to resent that my three do not get the same, eventhough I know that they will grow up knowing about life.