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Adele Cornish, BSW

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Lasting love

Last week we looked three signs of mature love in your relationship:

• Having your partner’s best interests at heart in your decision-making
• Unselfish commitment to helping your partner reach their fullest potential
• Accepting your partner for who they truly are

Today I want to explore another element of love appropriate to your relationship that is often quoted from 1 Corinthians 13v5 at weddings:

Love keeps no record of wrongs

So, we deal with the inevitable issues in our couple relationship that cause us to feel angry, hurt or rejected but choose not to hold our partner’s wrong doing against them.  In other words, we let it go.

Do you agree?

Should love keep no record of wrongs?  Can you experience the joy of a fulfilling relationship if you choose to keep a mental record of everything you feel your partner does wrong? Or, does this mindset steal your joy?

I’d love your feedback.   Please place your response below and remember you can remain anonymous if you wish!

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

Stepparenting and discipline

Who’s got it tougher; a stepfather or stepmother? Children can more readily accept a stepfather figure in their life in comparison to a stepmother. Are children therefore more accepting of a stepfather disciplining them over and above a stepmother? What’s your experience?

Read more...

Different parent, different rules: Does it work?

Mike and I have been running a lot of seminars lately and we always enjoy seeing couples connecting with other parents/stepparents in a blended family; it helps them feel not so ‘alone’ in their experience. So, instead of giving you one of my regular tips today, I’d love for you to share with others from your own wisdom and experience in response to this question:

Do you and your partner have different rules for each other’s children?

Some couples manage to negotiate and eventually agree on rules/expectations and consequences with their partner however many find this very difficult to say the least. Here’s what one couple has done in this case:

“Due to the fact that our parenting styles differ vastly, I’m strict and my husband is very lenient, we have had to decide to discipline separately. While we will discuss the discipline ultimately the bio parent will discipline the bio child. This has freed us to appreciate each other and love one another with our differences.”

Sometimes parents have one set of rules for their own children while their partner’s children have another. For example, your children might be allowed 1 hour TV per day while your partner’s children catch watch it anytime they like.

If you have tried this approach, would recommend it to others?

Please answer below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor

p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer!

p.p.s. For specific information on how to negotiate discipline issues, please click here

A child’s experience of blending…

As a child, did you live in a blended family?

I want to help parents in a blended family become better equipped to understand and support their children through the blending process.

If you lived in a blended family at any point during your childhood or teenage years, I’d be extremely grateful if you could take a moment to answer the questions below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.

Please think back to what it was like when you were growing up:

1. As a child, what seemed to work well in your blended family?
2. What did you find difficult?
3. What did your biological parent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)?
4. What did your stepparent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)?

Feelings of resentment

I recently received an email from a stepmother who is wondering if other people have experienced similar feelings she has been having regarding her stepdaughter.  She wants your help.  Here’s what she says:

“I love my step daughter and have always worked very hard to have a good relationship with her.  This year I had my first child and we were all very excited but ever since my daughter has been born I find myself resenting my step child.  I am surprised and confused by these feelings. I love her and I feel so ashamed I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. When my husband talks about how our child is just like her sister I find myself feeling angry that our child is not recognised in her own right. When I hear “Oh you’re just like your sister or your sister was exactly the same or you look just like your sister” I feel irritated. I never imagined that I would have these feelings. I am hoping this will pass and I just wondered if anyone else has had this happen to them or what they did to overcome it. I want my family to be a loving good place for both of our children to grow up in. Any advice would be welcome.”

To offer some help and encouragement, please reply below.  You can remain annonymous if you prefer.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. Thanks for taking the time to offer your support during what can be a lonely experience.

UPDATE!

Find out what this stepmother thought of these reponses by clicking here

p.p.s. Remember to enter your name and email to receive tips and advice for yourself!

Blending after the death of a parent

Blended families evolve after the death of a parent or a parent’s divorce/separation.  Here I’d like to focus on those who have repartnered with children after the death of a spouse/partner.  The following tips are for those with children/stepchildren whose parent has died.

• Talk openly about the death; it helps children understand that grief is natural
• Accept and respect their feelings and allow them to express emotion
• Encourage them to ask questions; do not worry about having all the answers but focus on letting them know that you care.  Questions help children understand and adjust.

This blog is for those with children whose parent has died  and is based on the following question:

What is the issue you’ve most struggled with and what have you found that’s helped?

To share with others in a similar position please respond below

Warm regards

Adele Cornish BSW

Blended Family Advisor

Experiences of a stepmother

‘Part of the parcel’ of divorce is that eventually children of divorce get to an age where they want to choose who they live with. But what happens when it’s NOT you they choose.

I recently started a blog for fathers whose children had made the decision not to live with them.

I asked men how this affected their relationship with their partner and children. A HUGE thank you to those who responded. You can check out the responses by clicking here

The issue of blame arose so I will touch on this briefly.

It is normal to grieve the loss or diminished contact with your children if they choose to live with their other parent. Part of the grieving process includes anger and stemming from this, blame. Although deep down people can blame themselves, it can also be tempting to blame stepmothers; according to research, children more readily accept a stepfather figure as opposed to a stepmother. The thing about blame is that it serves no useful purpose and builds further resentments so one needs to move beyond this natural part of the grieving process.

I promised stepmothers the opportunity to share how this issue has impacted your blended family. Please write how you worked through this experience as a couple to maintain a strong relationship.

Warm regards
Adele Cornish

Fathers: Losing your children

This blog is specifically for fathers in a blended family whose children have chosen to live apart from them.

See if you identify with this comment:

I lost both of my kids. They will not talk to me etc. Granted, they are older (20 and 25) but it still hurts.

Blended families all have one thing in common: children from a previous relationship.

In the case of divorce, it’s typical for mother’s to receive custody of their children however joint custody arrangements and fathers gaining custody is now more common.   ‘Part of the parcel’ of divorce is that eventually children of divorce get to an age where they want to choose who they live with.  But what happens when it’s NOT you they choose?  If you are a biological father in a blended family who has experienced this, how did you react? How did it affect your relationship with your partner?  What did you do to maintain your relationship with your children?

Men, here’s your chance to offer some encouragement to other men struggling with this issue.  Please share your response below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. In your response please don’t focus on what your children or ex have done.  Be specific about what YOU have done to get through this.

p.p.s You can remain anonymous if you wish

p.p.p.s Stepmothers:  keep your eye out for my upcoming blog where you can share how this issue has impacted your blended family.

Are children tearing you apart?

In my last tip I made the point that as a couple, you and your partner need to be 100% committed to making your relationship succeed.

This is particularly important if you feel your children are deliberately trying cause problems and friction within your relationship.

Here’s one reply I received to my tip:
“I totally agree that both adults need to be committed to the success of the relationship to have a chance of it working. As soon as one person tunes out it reduces the success rate. There are always going to be times you are more “plugged in” than others. However you need to recognize that and do something about it! As far as children sabotaging the relationship, I don’t believe they ALL set out to sabotage. I am lucky that my beautiful stepchildren have accepted me from the beginning and comment how much happier they see my husband and I compared to their memories of their parents together.

Do our children still wish that their parents would get back together again after 8 years+ apart? Our 2 youngest do (13 and 12 years old), even though they can both say that they know it is never going to happen. My stepson said that he wants that so he does not have to go from one house to the next. It would make his life a lot easier, and I understand that completely. Children are very perceptive as well as very vulnerable, and we need to help them work through their grief and provide positive role models. They need to know the other parent is still a very important part of their lives and that they don’t have to choose.”

What’s your experience of this?  Do you agree?  I look forward to your response.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. For help on how to create and sustain a great couple relationship click here

Stepparenting: Why do it?

Stepparenting is hard work and can at times feel rather unrewarding.  If you are a stepparent, what motivates you to try your best at this challenging task?  Is it…

*for the sake and benefit of your couple relationship?
*to use the opportunity to feed positively into your stepchild’s life?
*to develop within you the type of personal traits such as patience, perseverance and grace that only grow through times of trial?

What are your thoughts on this?

Warm regards