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Adele Cornish, BSW

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What Does ‘Love’ Mean to You

In my last tip we looked at what love is; an ‘action’ to be learned, rather than just a ‘feeling’ to be felt.  We’re now at the end of January which is typically known as the break-up month so here’s your chance to share what keeps you and your partner together.

What does love mean to you?  What does love in action look like?

In your blended family you and your partner have the awesome opportunity to model to your children how a healthy couple relationship works.  So what does the ‘love’ you and your partner have for each other, look like to them? Or, how should it look?

Please share your thoughts below; you can remain anonymous if you wish.

Kindest regards

Adele x

p.s. Blended families experience many pressures that test a couple’s love.  If you want to enjoy a lasting relationship, Click Here to find everything you need to know.

Blending with special needs children

Blending is seldom a smooth journey but for those coping with children who have special needs, the pressures can be intensified.

Good support and information is crucial in assisting couples to navigate the hurdles and remain committed to succeeding.

Hearing from others who have traveled the road is hugely valuable and this is where you can help.

If you have experience raising children with physical, mental or mood disorders in a blended family, please share what you have learnt in order to encourage others in a similar situation.

Thanks for responding, I appreciate your time!

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. For ideas on how to quickly and easily gain dramatic improvement in an ADHD child please click here

Discipline: Are your children treated unfairly?

In response to last week’s tip I received an email from a mother saying her own children are treated unfairly because they have to abide by the rules and are disciplined while her stepson has no rules or discipline:

“My kids get disciplined by me and my husband. My husband disciplines my kids for things HIS kid does all of the time and he doesn’t discipline his kid for the EXACT same things.  That’s the unfair part – NOT THE SAME RULES APPLY TO EVERYONE in the house.”

If you can relate to this, I’d appreciate your feedback to the following questions:

1.       What do you believe discipline does for children; what is the purpose of boundaries/discipline?

2.       Which child is better off:

A.      One raised with a parent who has firm, fair and consistent boundaries

B.      One raised without boundaries/discipline

3. Based on your response to the questions above, which child is therefore treated unfairly:

A.      One raised with a parent who has firm, fair and consistent boundaries

B.      One raised without boundaries/discipline

Please take one minute to respond below in three sentences maximum. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this!

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. For more essential skills, advice and strategies on this topic, please click here

Respect: Is it crucial to success…

Men need respect, women need love. If respect is so important, it’s important we know what it means and how to show it. How do you define respect? Can you still respect your partner even if you disagree with some of their decisions or behaviour?

Read more...

Faults and all

“You can’t fight for a place in someone’s life because no matter how hard you try to keep your place they’ll put you where they want to even if it’s not where you should be.”

It might be that you want your partner to make your needs a priority but they aren’t. When you met you may have really admired their commitment to being a great parent and now their children take precedence over you, this same commitment is the thing that most frustrates you. It might be work or other interests that take priority, regardless of the reason, many people who marry do so expecting that they can change their partner.  This is seldom possible so the choice is then over to you; will you choose to continue to love them despite their faults?

Your love for each other needs to move beyond a ‘feeling’ if your relationship is to succeed.  There will be times during your relationship that love must become an action; a choice to stay committed to each other, look for the best in each other, letting go of resentments and choosing to forgive.  So while you can’t change your partner, you can change your expectations and attitude in order to succeed.

What’s your experience?

I love to hear from those of you who have worked through the issue of having to accept your partner’s imperfections to offer some hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.

Please respond below.  You can remain anonymous if you wish.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

Forgiveness: What’s the cost

Thank you for sharing your response on whether you believe forgiveness is a necessary part of every relationship.  Remember you can remain anonymous if you prefer.

Questions to consider:

• How important is forgiveness to you?
• Can a relationship survive if one person chooses to hold unforgiveness against the other?
• Can you forgive a person even when they don’t apologize?
• Have you ever needed to ask for forgiveness?  What’s it like when you’ve received forgiveness or it’s been withheld?
• What’s the cost to you personally if you choose to forgive or not?
• What do you hope your couple relationship teaches the children in your family?

Your response to one or two of theses questions would be greatly appreciated!

Warmest regards

Adele

p.s. You can read more on forgiveness by clicking here

How to get along with your stepchildren

After receiving some emails lately from stepparents who are really struggling with not liking their stepchildren I’ve started a blog on the topic of ‘How to get along with your stepchildren’.

Stepparents going through this difficult stage need encouragement from those who have lived through it and reaped the rewards.

The thing is, it’s easy to focus on a problem and allow it to become all consuming at the expense of your couple relationship.  In other words you find the kids so difficult that at this point you just want to escape it all.  You’re prepared to quit and sacrifice the long-term wellbeing of your couple relationship because of the children.

There’s a saying that goes ‘You will never possess what you’re unwilling to pursue.’

If you want to enjoy great relationships you have to push on through the tough stages and pursue them.  Some of you have done this so here’s your chance to share how you got through the issue of not wanting or liking your stepchildren.

Please let these stepparents see that it is possible!

Warm regards

Adele Cornish BSW

Blended Family Advisor

p.s. Remember you can keep your response anonymous if you wish.

p.p.s. If you would like professional guidance  and support on how to get through this difficult issue, please click here

Commitment

How faithful or committed are you to your relationship?

The thing is, every relationship goes through both good and tough times. Tough times or conflict does not mean you need to throw in the towel but have a plan for working through them. If you don’t, you’ll risk continuing in a succession of failed relationships.

A number of years ago (before I had a blog) I asked for your feedback on a question which relates to this. Now an update is needed and this time you can post your answer for others to read. Here’s the question:

If you don’t “feel” love for your partner, should you stay in the relationship?

Should you let your “feelings” influence your long-term commitment?  Please share your thoughts below!

Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor

p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.

p.p.s. If you’re feeling hopeless about your relationship, don’t let everything you’ve worked towards be lost by throwing in the towel. Give your relationship every opporunity to succeed.  Chances are some things will need to change to get it back on track.  I’d love to help you so if you want to find out more please click here

Gentleness: Does it work?

Ever find yourself tempted to let rip verbally at someone in your blended family?

Have you given into that temptation?

If you’re nodding yes then you and I share something in common.  We think that by ‘ripping in’ they’ll change their attitude or behavior right?  The thing about ripping in is that it seldom effects a long-term change in someone else AND can sabotage our relationship with them.  So is there another way?

Well you could try the opposite approach.  I have and to be honest, it takes self control and I don’t always get it right.  This approach can be summed up in one word; gentleness.

Here are a couple of descriptions of it from thefreedictionary.com:

1. Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender.

2. Not harsh or severe; mild and soft

Gentleness is a trait that gets a lot of bad press. It’s often perceived as a weakness but it’s actually controlled strength. You can be bossy and demanding to get your own way or, use gentle words to make your point.  But does it work?

What’s your experience of using this approach?

Do people respect a gentle word or is a harsh one more effective?  Please place your feedback below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. Thanks for contributing to this blog.  It’s great to both learn from and support each other!

p.p.s. For more indepth advice on blended family struggles please click here

Keeping the Peace

Last week I posed the question, “When others in your blended family are really frustrating you, are you better off keeping the peace by not saying anything?”

Here’s a response I received:

“If I speak with my husband about how I feel and see things we invariably end up arguing. I’m told I am being negative etc when in fact I believe I am being objective. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to keep the peace and let my husband do what he wants to with his children REGARDLESS of how insecure or worried I feel about what he does.  I realize that when my husband gets hurt I just have to say nothing and be the shoulder to cry on. It feels better to say what I feel and seems so logical to me but ultimately it is destructive for our relationship. I have to learn how to deal with the emotions I have and let my husband do what he wants to do!”

What are your thoughts on this?  Is communicating your feelings destructive in your relationship?

How can or do you share your perspective in a way that’s not destructive? In other words, how do you share your thoughts in a way that ‘keeps the peace’?

I’d love your feedback!  Please respond below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. Blending can be a lonely experience so it’s great to support and encourage each other.  You can remain anonymous if you prefer.

p.p.s. You can read the rest of last week’s tip by clicking here