Are children tearing you apart?
Adele Cornish, BSW
In my last tip I made the point that as a couple, you and your partner need to be 100% committed to making your relationship succeed.
This is particularly important if you feel your children are deliberately trying cause problems and friction within your relationship.
Here’s one reply I received to my tip:
“I totally agree that both adults need to be committed to the success of the relationship to have a chance of it working. As soon as one person tunes out it reduces the success rate. There are always going to be times you are more “plugged in” than others. However you need to recognize that and do something about it! As far as children sabotaging the relationship, I don’t believe they ALL set out to sabotage. I am lucky that my beautiful stepchildren have accepted me from the beginning and comment how much happier they see my husband and I compared to their memories of their parents together.
Do our children still wish that their parents would get back together again after 8 years+ apart? Our 2 youngest do (13 and 12 years old), even though they can both say that they know it is never going to happen. My stepson said that he wants that so he does not have to go from one house to the next. It would make his life a lot easier, and I understand that completely. Children are very perceptive as well as very vulnerable, and we need to help them work through their grief and provide positive role models. They need to know the other parent is still a very important part of their lives and that they don’t have to choose.”
What’s your experience of this? Do you agree? I look forward to your response.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. For help on how to create and sustain a great couple relationship click here
I’m sure that there are some children who could tear the relationship apart- but for the most part it is up to the parents (esp the bioparent) to make or break the situation.
I think the children can be indirectly responsible for the relationship going bad, but that is only because the parents did not have the tools or the strength to use those tools to make things better. I am in a situation where I lost both of my kids. They will not talk ot me or let me know their phone number, etc. Granted, they are older (20 and 25)but it still hurts. I resent my spouse having time with her kids at our expense. Not rational, but it happens. And that resentment manifests itself in our relationship. So the kids are indirectly responsible, but
I am the one who needs to make it work.
Trouble is, it also depends if they are visiting or in your custody. Very different situations: a child in your custody is more likely to meet with a joint, agreed approach. A visiting child really comes to visit the natural parent – how can that but have a damaging impact? Compounded with that is the brainwashing from the natural parent to turn that child against the step-parent, and parental brainwashing is not easily overcome, if at all. So, I would say there’s no use arguing against it: non-custodial step-children do have an adverse impact on the primary relationship, and it’s not, in my view, something which can be overcome. In my case, I find my own amusements. I cannot warm to the child’s personality, do not have any love for her and have been worn out by her atitude.
I am a step mom. Your new partner and YOU have to be on exactly the same page. My step son is 7 years old. His B.M. has tried to do everything possible to split myself and my husband up by using my step son as a go between. The most important thing is for you and your partner to be working in tandem and any grievances about child rearing should be aired offline out of view of the child. Thanks to our hard work the Ex wife now has found someone else and moved in with them. We have one third visitation and she has the rest. Many to and fros between houses every week. Its been real hard but I think we are finally wining through. My step son is so much better to have a stable one third of a home.
Relationships are factually ‘messy’. All the different dynamics, external situations, former partners and everyday stressors, and how we deal with grief all have an impact on the success of the family, not just the marriage.
When my hubby and I made a commitment to one another it was also to each others children. We give expression to that differently. We have had fantastic times together but we’ve also had to make some heartbreaking decisions for the benefit of the child and our family, and ultimately our marriage. We try to consistently demonstrate how valuable each young person is, how important they are to us, how much we love them (even if they’re going through a difficult alien phase we might, for a moment, think about selling them to a slave trader?)… We also recognise differences in each of the kids but endeavour to be consistent and highlight what is acceptable behaviour on the part of the child. As Christians we believe that a ‘3 cord strand is not easily broken’. For us that means when either one of us is a little worn down we’ve always got God as the anchor. In the last 10 years we’ve often reflected on the faithfulness of God getting us through some bizarre times. Our girls are now: 14,22,24,26. The youngest is my daughter who’s chosen to live with her Dad for the past 2.5 years. I’m not the favourite parent on the planet because I have refused to let her leave school and do distance education. she’s struggled with this and contineus to be working her way through it. My youngest is an amazing girl. I don’t believe she’s ever tried to ‘break us up’ but like other contributors have said, the kids feel torn and innocently wish life could be simpler and Dad could live next door….I don’t think so.
Our other 3 ring us daily.The eldest lives a street away, married with two young children.
We’re a family that do life together in its good times and it’s messy times. Our hint …
* “Don’t grow weary in doing good for when you are older you shall reap a harvest” – the kids will turn out okay and your family will srvive!
* Honour your partner, enjoy your marriage, show affection to one another in front of the kids – you know that stolen kiss in the kitchen or the peels of laughter as you stumble around the loungeroom in a pseudo waltz together
* Let your children know that each one of them are valuable – we each writ them te odd card or letter. My husband take his girls out for coffee. My daughter and I have ‘girlie’ nights when my hubby is working.
* Play together as a family
* Establish new traditions
* Give yourself a break & recognise we’ll never be perfect but as Mum’s and Dad’s we too are important in the whole equation and self-care is essential.
And remember.. best is yet to come!
Adele I really enjoy your updates. Thank you for your insight,
Tarran
In short, no, a child can NOT be responsible for breaking a second marriage. It is way too much power to give them and it is unfair to feed that power and energy – literally poison. HOWEVER, can having a step child break a relationship? Absolutely!
I am a part-time step mom, no natural children. I have a wonderful step daughter, natural parents get along just fine and are friendly. Yes, everyone is friends. Therefore, what EVER should be a problem? I can’t put my finger on it but there remains tension. My step-daughter is still a stranger in the house no matter how well we get along. Her mother’s new marriage recently broke up with some blame being on him that they didn’t bond. I don’t even know what that means. He took part in her life at every chance, but yes, with his own personality. I do the same. But this distance remains.
The only thing I can point towards is that step-parenting “bonding” is so very different than bio-parent bonding. You can love, but once the child reaches teen years or young adult hood, it is a different reality – you may not have all the childhood cute memories to pull from, or the unexplainable love parents express. You may have different expectations of how a child is to act in the world, but as step-parents, our ideas are often pushed off (even in love!) as nice but…
So, we struggle to find our place, set our rules and keep a marriage alive. Even under the “best of circumstances” this is very difficult. All I ask is to STOP being asked to treat the child as my own. I do the best I can but she is still a stranger in the house. Every day gets a little easier, but I wonder if it will always feel a little MORE natural on the days she is not here?
I have now been mum/stepmum to five beautiful children between the ages of 4 and 9 years. I have found through my experiences it is not the children breaking up the relationship however the actual problems the family and individuals are experiencing that appear to be putting the most pressure on our situation. The biggest problem is the limited help we receive in the country compared to the larger cities. I have telephoned several help lines/ parenting groups in regards to problems such as jealousy however once you mention you have a blended family, most people do not know how to deal with this therefore our problems remain just that ‘problems’. Our children, through both families, have mainly accepted our new situation however one of our children has behaviour and learning difficulties and during ‘outbursts’, convices himself he wants to go and live full time with his mother (the grass is greener on the other side of the fence scenario), this however is not an option and subsequently we may receive further family disruptions due to this. My point is, our family has experienced it is always outling factors that are the problem and not the actual child not wanting to be with you and it is a matter of working through the problems (no matter how big), without blame. One of my favourite sayings is “I love you but I don’t like that type of behaviour”.
I agree with an earlier comment where it said that the children don’t have that much power in a relationship.
My husband and I are very much in love and we get a long great … in every aspect of our lives, except our children. Collectively we have four children; 14, 13, 11, and 10. Mine being the oldest and the youngest, his two being in the middle. My children live with us full time and they only see their father three times a year as he lives in a different state. We get his boys for one overnight stay three weekends a month. My husband’s blantant double standard when it comes to the two sets of children is where the issue lies. The mother of my step children caters and coddles to those kids’ every need and blames accuses my husband of being a bad father when he doesn’t do the same thing. My children are very independent, self sufficient kids. I have worked full time their entire lives and have encouraged them to be able to care for themselves when I’m not there. His kids can do nothing on their own. His youngest is autistic, which in and of itself is another topic entirely, but he never gets reprimanded for anything. The oldest of his two is angry for having to sacrifice for his autistic brother, for not seeing his father as much as he wants, for having to watch his father be with two other children all the time, among many other things. His mother has medicated him for depression. He’s not depressed. He’s a typical teenager. So now when he does something wrong or behaves badly my husband takes the least confrontational road and brushes it under the rug. When my kids do something wrong or behave badly my husband is quick to correct and discipline. This is what is causing distance between us. It’s not the kids directly, its the treatment and reaction to the kids. My husband has the “divorced dad” syndrome to the Nth degree.
I am learning to accept the fact that his kids will never be held the same standards as my children. That used to make me very angry, but now I see that my children will be better off for it.
I think children whether dealing with an intact family or a blended family are capable of playing one parent against the other. I don’t know that they conciously set out to do it….moreover they are just trying to accomplish what they want by whatever means necessary.
I have some resentment feelings unfortunately toward my stepson but I don’t believe it is his fault.
When two people are in a relationship they need to work hard to deep things in perspective. Sometimes this involves hearing the other person’s feelings and validating them even when you can not necessarily understand why they feel a certain way. All anyone really wants is to be heard and respected. I think when one adult fails to recognize the validity of how the other adult is feeling – over a prolonged period of time it is toxic. It is easy to understand how this can happen in a blended family.
Ok I need some advice. My husband is rather insecure all the way around but always his feeling that I put him on the back burner for my boys is causing some chaos. For example, if I dont answer his phone call because I am on the phone with one of my boys, he takes that very personal and a huge fight will start. How do I approach this without basically telling him to quit being a baby?
My future maybe step kids have tried wholeheartedly to diminish our love. The problem is the lack of discipline, and unfortunately his kids who are teenagers now, were taken from their dad, but also have learned to live a priveledged life. SO they feel entitlement, and jealousy. So, my presence and my 10 yr old daughters have opened up their old wounds, insecurities, and leaves all of us shaking our heads. But, we are the adults. We make the rules. And I have seen that he has none(discipline)… a product of the far away parent guilt… just throw money at at it…it will go away.
How do I deal with being an outsider in my own house and being made to feel 2nd in in my marriage where the stepdaughter is always put first? Dad is pretty spineless when it comes to disipline and is at his 14yr old daughters beck and call 24/7. As I have read in other blogs my comments and suggestions are ignored and yet turmoiland drama is a given every other week that she is with us. It is truly driving a wedge in my relationship with my husband and unfortuneltly he has blinders on. I have given up trying to talk to him as he is quick to defend his daughter which is only natural yet he doesn’t realize how different the relationships are. Help!!!
It’s up to the parents especially the bio parent,children will know what they can get away with,especially if the bio parent doesn’t
do anything to discipline the child,I know first hand,he lets her get away with anything
no united front and you are in trouble.
@Sue: I fully agree with you Sue. I only wish the bio-parent in our household could see the facts of the situation.
im into the very same situation as Cathy & i feel so bad knowing that no matter how much we tried to have a loving family life…its the disrespectful daughter that will always prevail…
I have been married to my husband for 17 years. You would think we had this all figured out by now. His kids were 10, 12, and 16 when we got married and were fairly civil in the beginning. They are now adults and are so very abusive to their father. Two daughters don’t visit but once a year, and my stepson just got fired from working for us for the 3rd time. He lies all the time, is hugely disrespectful to my husband, and pretends I don’t exist when we are in the same room. His wife calls me relentlessly but does very unkind things. She won’t let me hold the babies, she always has something negative to say about everything in my life, and she just acts like she doesn’t like me when she’s in my house. I have three children from this marriage – 7, 9, and 13 – who try very hard to be kind to the grandkids. My granddaughter punches my kids in front of her mom, and she doesn’t say anything to her. My stepson also does not speak to my kids and tries to hurt my son. Enough is enough. And now my husband is walking around in a state of depression after firing his son which would have happened several years ago for any other employee. Help! What am I to do?
Sue, I couldnt agree with you more. I love my stepkids – a girl, 17 and a boy, 24. I have a little girl of my own. They both just would not accept my daughter or me and we are ‘invisible’. My spouse was initially working in tandem with me to discipline and rein in the two stepkids but he eventually got turned around. Now, its stepkids, their mom (extremely manipulative and ridiculous in her demands.) and my spouse vs me and my daughter. Its so sad. Does it make you a bad stepparent when you love but cannot warm up or trust your stepkids? I am about to throw in the towel. I simply cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
If someone has advise for me it would be great. I have been married for 2 yrs and I have 2 children from a previous marriage. 1 is 10 and 1 is 12. I have 3 stepchildren. 18,15 and 12. On a family vacation the oldest stepchild 18 screamed and yelled in my face saying I was the reason they dont like to come around. Now the 15 and 12 come everyother weekend on a regular basic. The 18 does not. There has been no consiquence for her behavior and Im furious. I feel like this was very disrespectful and not just to me, but to my husband too. I am asking for a appoloy before she is allowed in my home again. I dont feel like this request is to much. I dont want to come between the 2, but I do ask to be respected. I have never done anything to his children to ever have them blame me for why they may not come up. I am just at a loss on what to do. There has been no consquenses for her actions and I feel as though I have no support. Help me.
I am in the same boat?? What to do, What to do.
i am in the same boat;;;i know it has got to get better;;;;
I have been with ny boyfriend for almost three years. His son who was 17 came to live with us he didn’t want to b there when he first came and I didn’t want him there either. We went from a time where my boyfriend had to b in the middle. We we disagree with each other rules he states that I don’t like his son. This is not true is are relationship worth saving?
How about adult children with mental disbailities who aren’t getting treatment. I can’t be the only one with this situation. No privacy no hope of any furure privacy. HELP.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years and he has 2 kids from previous r’ship. Girl 10 boy 20. Both come every weekend. Sat night through to sunday evening. I recently moved in (back in May) and never took into consideration the damaging effect it’s having on our relationship.. I’m upset that they come every weekend because I feel I work all week and want some respite.. We also take them on holidays sometimes etc. I can’t say anything to 10 year old daughter as shes ” daddys little princess” (her quote last week) and daddy wears rose tinted glasses. Becoming more and more of an issue and is now turning out to me becoming resentful of them being here every single saturday night… we cant ever go anywhere or do anything. I’m 29 , boyfriend is 39. What to do…..
My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years. We both have children, his children are older, 23, 18, 16. My child is 6. We have been struggling with his 18yr old female. My fiancee & I love eachother very much, My fiancee & I are 20 years apart in age. We have had a issue now since february 2010. So going on a year. His daughter has a attitude that she is the boss, the superior, the “head of all”. Her way or no way kinda deal. It was all amazing for the first 2years , kids and I got along pretty good, not many complaints. But since feb 10′, his daughter decieded to try to be the “adult”, & I basically told her she was the child & i was the adult, to mind her own..She has since not had contact with her father but maybe 5x in this period. Will not come to our home. In my eyes i had the right to be the adult and tell her she was out of place & she was the child. Well, now it is causing our relationship a bit of damage.We recently decieded to start to try to have a baby together, well, my question is; If his grown daughter of now 19 can not accept me as his fiancee and future “step-mother”, how will we start our own family. He has 3 kids total, 4 including my daughter who calls him daddy. The two sons, and my 6yr old are not too judgemental, or ruthless. The daughter has always been put on this pedistel higher than any of the other kids. I am scared that she will tear us apart for the 2cd time in 3 years. She is the type of person who is used to people crumbling down to her every command. Well i will not stand for that. She has done nothing since i met my fiancee but treat him as a “husband” rather than daughter. ALways demanding, or being so self-centered that she can’t see past her nose. It affects my fiancee and I majorly. My 6yr old daughter calls him dad, she adores him. His 2 sons are good kids, basically keep their noses to themselves. She is tearing us apart..HELP. I can not let this happen. He always sticks up for her, puts the world aside. It is hurting not only myself, but my 6yr old. Please advice on what to do to make him see he is a grown man, and she is a adolecent. Please dont let her ruin us, I have thought & thought about this, I dont know what to do. I need some advice. Please any advice on mixed -soon to be- families! And how to handle teenage girls who simply will not grow up & see her fathers happiness.
My 18 year old son just left my fiance and my house to live with his dad. His reasons?
1. When he was 4, and his father and I were already separated, I had a boyfriend who wanted to marry me.
2. His father never wanted a divorce but I left him.
3. I was imposing a curfew on him (he’s a senior in high school).
4. I expected him to help out around the house.
5. And, my favorite, his father says I am faking cancer.
His father and I have been divorced for 16 years. And, that is how long I have been dealing with this nonsense. I’ve been in a committed relationship with my fiance for 7 years now. My son was told by his father that he does not have to listen/respect my fiance because, “He’s not your real dad.” I’ve watched my ex tear our family apart. We have a 16 year old who refuses to go with his dad because of all of this… I’m watching all of this happen and feel completely helpless.
Please someone tell me I’m not alone in this. Am I the only one with step kids that are down right mean. They have tried everything… and I do mean everything to get me out of their house. I grow weary as everyday for the past 11 years is filled with my failure to be liked, appreciated or respected. Their bio parents don’t deal. They simply are in lala land.
Am I alone. After this long it must be true love or I’m not as bright as my mother told me. She had seven husbands so maybe it’s me.
HElp
I know how you feel. My step children, now 22 and 20 live with my partner and I and pay nothing and do no chores. They are constantly harrassing thier mother. Her 22 year old banged on the bedroom door this morning unitl someone woke up to demand an item form our room. My avice is stick to you rvalues now becasue if you allow it, you will continue to be tested and it will only get worse. I always thought that if I cared for them they would show a little respect. Instead they have been allowed to stay as children who are spoiled and unbehaved.
When I read you rcomment I thought someone else who’s life is as crazy as mine. I got one for you. My partner youngest brought his preganant girlfriend home to play house at our house. They fight constinantly. I’m living upstairs now just to avoid them. They pay nothing and do no chores. I heard him tell his mother on the phone that if I don’t leave he will. I’m waiting and hoping. It will never happen. I find comfort int he fact that despite all of this we are still together. I wonder how much richer our lifes would be if we didn’t have to waist so much energy protecting ourselves. We argue daily over these adult children who verballly abuse us. She is paralized to do anything. When it comes to our children we loss all logic. Good luck, your not alone.
My partner has her children and grandchildrewn while I do not but you have identified it and that wil make it managable. It took me years to figure out why I was uncomfortable and sad. It’s not healthy to be envious but human all the same. You can make it work now that you figured that out.
I still feel that way after 10 years. I’ve got used to it. I try everyday to put myslef in her shoes and when we have argues I have sad hurtful things. That only makes matters worse but I get lonley for a partner and am tired of feeling like I’m the one gettign vted out at tribal councel when I’m the one who gets all the firewood.
I can sympathize. My partner and I have 6 children between us. We had both been married before and don’t have any together. Sh eopertes form a sea of guilt for divorceing thier father who decided to not be around after the divorce. My children both live on thier own while hers still live with us and demand everythign be handed to them. I don’t blame the 22 and the 20 year old I blame her for allowing it. One of her son has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which gives him permission to behave anyway he feels like it. The entire 10 years we have been together I ahve done all the domestic work around the house becasue I enjoy it.It also left me to be the one to discover he was using drugs in the home when his mother was out. When I asked him to stop he went outside and did 1,500.00 worth of damage to my car. No consequences. When I tell these stories I wonder how I have managed to stay this long after my family has begged me to leave. I love thier mother and I have amde up my mind to not allow this to break us up but it’s gets tougher everyday. He’s not in treatment. I am for PTSD. Your not alone. Hang in there if you love him.
i have been married to my husband for 5 yrs we dated for 2 1/2 yrs.so we have been together for almost 8yrs..he met my 3 kids six months after we started dating.i didnt meet his only daughter for 2 yrs.he told me the reason that i didnt meet her was he knew she would break us up..well 2 mths after we got married she swore that she would make us get a divorce,..as time has went pasted i have tried very thing to get along with this girl,even kept her kids but i didnt mind that at all i fell in love with them 2 kids,well about 6 to 7 mths has went by now all at once i have done something to hurt the lil one i HAVE NO CLUE what i have done but that is what she told her daddy and they wont tell me what it is that i have supposely done.so that put alot of strain on our marriage,two day after our 5th anver he walks out comes back home 10 days later then not 3wks go by he does the same thing and now he want a divorce bc she told him that it was going to be her and her kids or me..well he picked her,i know in my heart that i did everything that a person could do to try to get along with her,she is just a spoiled and evil stepchild but the kicker is that she is almost 29yrs old that has a live in but she wants her daddy to live with them and does not want him to be with anyone or be happy. i wished i could have had the chose of meeting her when he met my kids cause i do belive i would have not even kept dating him nor i woud have not married him.bc i would have known of how it was going to turn out,it would have saved alot of people heartache and pain.becuase my kids and i has went through hell the pasted few weeks.i have made a promise to myself after we get a divorce i will not date a man that has kids at any age,i know you are asking yourself what about your kids well my kids only want me happy they have told me that if me and my husband got back together it was ok with them cause they only want me happy
@Sue: I agree completly I have 3 biological boys my husband and I have 1 and we both have 2 from previous marriages.I have spent three years giving 110% yet am still not accepted.My and my childrens life is turned upside down on visits as all the weekly rules are changed.We have very different morals.
Every word they speak is a swearword and they are both morbadly obese!We go to counsling and the advice we get is forgotten in there presence.My husband shows me no affection when they are visiting!Any suggestions?
@Jodi: WOW how much is to much?
Ok, I have been remarried for 13 months and am struggling here. 2 of my 3 step children are girls at 15 and 13 and have a very tough time with their father. My wife has asked me to take that role which I agreed to wholeheartedly. I have a 15 year old son, who has strugglled early on in the marriage but has been great lately. My wife also has an 8 year old son who’s dad is involved in his life. When I try to instruct them, my wife see’s it as an attack on her failure as a mother, she feels that I think she is incapable and must “comment” on daily life issues, table manners, disrespect to their mother, etc. My wife and I had a big argument, where I errantly said that the 8 year old boy has now learned table manners and she took that as me expressing to her that she has been a failure and that I had to step in and “fix” her kids. This was not my intent, but she won’t listen to me. 8 year olds need constant affirmation in regards to respect and manners. A couple nights ago, when my folks were over for dinner, her 13 year old daughter was eating like an “animal” and mentioned this to my wife. So, my problem is, now I feel like I want to retreat and not say anything to the kids about anything, throw up my hands and say, fine, you take it from here since I can’t seem to do anything right, but I know that is not the correct course of action. (Yep, the Y chromoson in me is demanding I take action, must fix!) My wife seems to struggle with self esteem which is wht, I believe, she lashes out when I tell her my thoughts toward anything in her world, her business, housework, children, etc. My problem is that I let myself be walked on in my previous marriage for 17 years so I struggle with control issues, in a big way. I am learning that she loves me and is doing what she does in our relationship because she does indeed love me and wants to do for me. HELP!!!!!
I really have to commend you guys on trying to work things out…I wasn’t so lucky. We were the “Brady Bunch” with six teenagers…yes six teenagers and I loved him so much that I moved to a different state and left my nursing job to try to make something of a three year relationship. I never knew his kids to be so cruel but it started immediately. If I wasn’t giving them money or taking them places I was the evil girlfriend. I mean I REALLY love my ex and was so saddened that after four short months and a letter from his youngest that he either get rid of me or he was moving to be with his Mom…The relationship was “too much work”. Now I’m all alone except for my darling boy in a different state trying to start over. Good luck to all of you. I honestly believe we could’ve worked things out if we had stayed strong and remained a team. But he threw in the towel. I hope you all can work things out and share your love with everyone.
@jennifer corrado:
I ask myself that everyday. The line in the sand keeps moving. I don’t beleive in quiting when it gets difficult.
It sounds very mature and responsible to say. “the children can’t or shouldn’t have the power to dissolve a relationship”. It’s lip service when times get hard. There is a line and I’d like to advice others to talk to thier partner about it. Step parents are NOT the biological parents. Everything should follow that cold hard fact. It keeps it in proper perspective. All the love, care and committment will not change that fact. Ignoreing could lead to a lot of pain. Step parents can be wonderful, dependable, lifelong but they are still not thier biological parents. Be careful and communicate clear expectations. A goal without a plan is just a wish…
Good Luck.
I never realised how hard it actually is. I am a parent to one 9 year old child, and I have worked/tried sooo hard to make my family work; my partner is throwing in the towel, and I don’t know what way to go.
My mom used to say men will come and go but your children will always be there. I’m still not sure what that means. I think it means she would always be on our side but what I needed was a untied fornt and anything less gives room for to much confusion.
I thought if I sacraficed enough as step parent it would matter. Now all I am is bitter.
I am step child and a step parent and I love my step dad. I gave him nothing but grieve growing up and now I’m glad he stood up to me. I am stronger for it. We both made mistakes so when I became a step parent I thought it would be the same. I would stand up to them, teach them. I’m still convinced I love them. Now they are older and when the holidays come it’s easier to just do it seperate. That isn’t what I had dreamed. I dreamed they would love me the way I love my step father. I miss my dreams of all being happy.
Now thier mother and I live together but we are really far apart. We can’t talk about her chidlren or mine for that matter. Focus on the present and make a plan.
I hold strong to communicating clearly with your partner what the expectations are.
They say that love isn’t enough… I disagree. Love is everything..
I have baby momma drama and grow baby drama.
They collectively try to interfear in our relationship. Although the baby’s momma is married she has always wanted my fiance and he has never wanted her. They had two dates and after realizing on the second date that she was too ghetto. Three months later he gets a call that she’s preganant. He took very good care of his daughter but her mother gave him hell and now their daught is grown and she still wants to have them together as a family and he can’t stand her mother. Now I’m dealing with his daughter who flat out said that she doesn’t want her dad marrying me. Her mother called upset saying to him I thought you weren’t getting married. They just are determined to continue to make him unhappy and don’t want to see him with anyone. I have a raw deal cause I called myself avoiding this by not getting with him 20 years ago because he was dealing with a ton of drama from his daughters mother back then. Now here I am 20 years later and nothing has really changed. I’m just wondering what would you do. My thought is that I will keep them away from us so we can enjoy our lives.
We live with my daughter age 6 and his two are here 40% of the time. They do not blend nor do they think they have to. Their mother is behind this and their father is unable to balance things out with a firm but fair stance. I moved for him to remain close to his kids and ploughed all my finances into a life with him (2/3 of what we have is mine), securing all a very comfortable home and lifestyle thanks to my job, this also meant I worked from home which is driving me nuts through isolation. In return I get, a father figure for my child (albeit with limitations, so when he is with his, mine is cast aside, separate holidays, separate conversations when we are together, us and them sort of situation), a lot of indirect grief from his older kid, and a devoted husband (who did not want anymore children with me – I did), but is more than happy to showcase how devoted a father he is. Oh I forgot to mention that he took on a child from his previous wife and someone else, as his own, put him on his will equally to his own kids, told me he bonded with that one more and quicker than with mine, and he would have me believe I am the one love of his life, and that our marriage is real and meaningful. Maybe, but what a price I have to pay to have this man in my life. Still finding my ways in this marriage and some hope that things can improve in time. Wish me luck.
Wow, I can basically relate to all of you. Blended family, married 6 years, 7 children, he brought a boy and 3 girls, I had 3 girls. We have always had full custody of all of them, the Biological mother has been in and out of rehab for 1 years now and has had no relationship with the children what so ever. Meanwhile I have been there, cooking, cleaning, shuttling, etc. and all I ever get is grief. Now mostly teenagers and 3 off to college. He has the youngest 2 and they have always gotten all of the attention. I have grown resentful towards them for this. Lots of issues in equality. He always seems to find a way to try and turn the situation on me and have me believe I am crazy and all of our issues are because of me. We had such an amazing love in the beginning and I grieve that now. Spend a lot of time depressed and just sick to my stomach these days. I don’t want another divorce, but this is the hardest thing anyone could ever have to overcome. I will pray once again today for patience, understanding and willingness but have lost much of any sense of hope.
My new husband and 14 year old son hate each other. I feel like I’m in the middle, one pulling on each arm. Why can’t they just get along? My husband thinks I don’t discipline enough and I think he just waits for my kid to screw up, meanwhile overlooking his daughters doing wrong. My son will never feel at home here as long as my husband only cares about rules and not my son. It’s always tense and my son doesn’t even want to be here.
I have a 6 yr old who loves playing with my fiancee’s 11 yr old all the time. However the 11 yr old is now not wanting to give my 6 yr old the time of day unless it is an activity he wants to play. This has caused a lot of tension in our household as my fiancee protects his son to no end and there is no reasoning. I know my son wants to be a shadow and do everything with the 11 yr old wants to do as he admires the 11 yr old so much. And I do respect that he wants his spece but I don’t think my child should always be told no when he asks him to play just because he chooses not too! I find he is told no on purpose as it has become a game. So when everyone is home togehter I find there is extreme tension because I am always looking over the time to give my 6 yr old something else to do to keep him away from the 11 yr old. Sometimes if it is something fun now the 11 yr old will now all the sudden want to play. Anyone have advise as to what to do?
I have a 6 yr old who loves playing with my fiancee’s 11 yr old all the time. However the 11 yr old is now not wanting to give my 6 yr old the time of day unless it is an activity he wants to play. This has caused a lot of tension in our household as my fiancee protects his son to no end and there is no reasoning. I know my son wants to be a shadow and do everything with the 11 yr old wants to do as he admires the 11 yr old so much. And I do respect that he wants his spece but I don’t think my child should always be told no when he asks him to play just because he chooses not too! I find he is told no on purpose as it has become a game. So when everyone is home togehter I find there is extreme tension because I am always looking over the time to give my 6 yr old something else to do to keep him away from the 11 yr old. Sometimes if it is something fun now the 11 yr old will now all the sudden want to play. Anyone have advise as to what to do?
I was told by my partner of 15 years, don’t mind them, I PICKED YOU and that’s that. Beautiful words considering her children have disrespected me at every turn. They are disrespectful to everyone. I found it alot of peace in remembering this is my choice. i don’t have to be here. I have gotten used to it. i have changed my expectations and that alone has given me peace and improved my ability to communicate with my partner. I wanted to beleive that I fell in love with someone who woudl defend thier children as I woudl defend mine. So, watch what you complain about. Would yo rather have someone who doesn’t “love” their children?
i wanted the brady bunch but what I got was not that at tall. Take care, take it easy on your self.
Well it’s great to know we are not alone. I am in a relationship of a couple of years but we’ve known each other since our kids were born. Mine are 4 and 6 and so are his. The kids are weeks apart in age. Esentially, it’s like having two sets of twins. We raise our kids differently. We do things differently with our children. We both have 50% custody and we purposely have the same weekends with kids. It’s chaos around here. I am not sure we’ll ever go through the kids trying to break us apart because they grew up with us together. Our problems lie within the kids. He blames mine, I blame his. His blame mine, mine blame his. They have their moments and they get along…and then they don’t, typical kid stuff. It goes on and on and we end up fighting about it. Normally, it’s us fighting because someone holds a different standard or one kid gets away with murder while the others get trouble. I don’t think the kids are even phased, yet the stupidest of things regarding them all and we fight. The way they behave, manners, no manners, make a mess, don’t clean it up, be rude, get away with it, one won’t share and it goes on and on. I know that it’s hard and it will never be as if all four are equal. He will always think differently about his and me mine. Is there some common ground that can help with making it all work? We likely have to figure that out sooner than later or this is not going to last. Without the kids to fight about, we really are in a relationship that I believe we have waited our whole lives to find. Likely we both have to change quite a bit to make this work and I wonder if that is even possible.
I too am experiencing the same feelings in regards to my fiance’s teenage boys. They are rude and disrespectful and their dad does not see the impact their behaviour has on our relationship when he refuses to discipline them. I feel like they are purposely driving a wedge between us and I dont know how to stop it without sacrificing my own self respect. They are 18 and 16, well aware of rules and responsibilities in our home but choose to constantly ignore them. My daughter is 7 and this is not the way i want to raise her. I dont know what to do anymore and am at the end of my rope.
I feel that maybe I am doing something wrong, but at the same time i wish i had the resepct and support of my fiance. It seems to be a no win situation.