Are children tearing you apart?
Adele Cornish, BSW
In my last tip I made the point that as a couple, you and your partner need to be 100% committed to making your relationship succeed.
This is particularly important if you feel your children are deliberately trying cause problems and friction within your relationship.
Here’s one reply I received to my tip:
“I totally agree that both adults need to be committed to the success of the relationship to have a chance of it working. As soon as one person tunes out it reduces the success rate. There are always going to be times you are more “plugged in” than others. However you need to recognize that and do something about it! As far as children sabotaging the relationship, I don’t believe they ALL set out to sabotage. I am lucky that my beautiful stepchildren have accepted me from the beginning and comment how much happier they see my husband and I compared to their memories of their parents together.
Do our children still wish that their parents would get back together again after 8 years+ apart? Our 2 youngest do (13 and 12 years old), even though they can both say that they know it is never going to happen. My stepson said that he wants that so he does not have to go from one house to the next. It would make his life a lot easier, and I understand that completely. Children are very perceptive as well as very vulnerable, and we need to help them work through their grief and provide positive role models. They need to know the other parent is still a very important part of their lives and that they don’t have to choose.”
What’s your experience of this? Do you agree? I look forward to your response.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. For help on how to create and sustain a great couple relationship click here
As it is a difficult situation to find happiness wherever to be together with a new partner who has children,of course you will get conflict with the step children,but if your love is strong between both adults then you will stick together and work it out with the children,in the end they need to find out that they are very lucky to have another home to go to and have love and support too.
Cheers Kim
I too agree that both adults need to be on the same page 100% of the time. I currently have the problem of when my step children come over to visit they mainly only address their dad when they are speaking. After conversations with my partner he is now making an effort to ensure the step children address both of us and don’t exclude me. Again I don’t believe its done on purpose but it is best practise to ensure they are referring to the family as a whole.
Yes, children can tear your relationship up. Parents need to get equipped to handle the problems that arise in broken families. Even if you get remarried. The past is there, the other biological parent and other stepparent is still in the lives of children, and the living with two sets of rules in two homes. As much as parents can feel like the relationship is on the brinks from time to time, stand in the child’s shoes and try to see it from their perception – then empower them to help you resolve problems and become a team. Doesn’t always work, and you need to do a relationship check on how it is working.
Ultimately, teens can get out of hand and there are the ones who you cannot regain control without help. But, there is hope and help. Prayer for guidance and love always gives new hope when going through these times.
Cheryl
I think my miss four summed everything up quite nicely “Mummy, I just want everyone to be friends”. Kid’s don’t like conflict, but sometimes the biological parents are so busy disliking each other, they’ve forgotten about their child. My niece quite successfully plays her parents off (she said she’s trying to please both sides), which in turn causes conflict between the step parents. Communication is the key, love, in my opinion cannot solve a problem as effectively as open communication…I could go on, doing a course at the moment to be proactive in our blended family situation.
I think it is always up to the parents to control the situation, but to me the issue is when the parent is not controlling it and keep saying they need time to adjust. What is a reasonable time frame when the child is just simply going home and telling the other parent everything that go on in our home and some things that are not true.
I can attest to the mess that happens when the biological parent is completely blind (even after the police have been involved) to a teen’s games. I have been so angry for so long…I now tell all my friends to NEVER EVER be involved with someone that has kids from a previous relationship. It’s been a nightmare.
Cheers to those of you that are on the same page.
As a step father with no children I experience times when I blame the children for coming between my wife and I. However with close and honest inspection it is more to do with my insecurity as their step father and being jealous and envious at times of the attention they receive from their mother. What has become the norm in our house is whenever the boys want anything they ask mum. Because their mum is pretty easy going and forgiving boundaries are more flexable so they know, ask mum she is easy. When I see them putting one over, or manipulating their mother to get what they want I step in, only to be seen as the big monster that lurks in the back ground waiting to pounce on small things.
The real issue is my wife and I seldom discuss the issues together so the boys never see that she consults with me to make decisions. So they don’t either.
Being a step parent can feel like you are on the outer all the time. Our eldest son has an atitude and is withdrawn most of the time which does not make it easy and the more I attempt to reach out to him the worse it gets. It then becomes an argument between my wife and I and he is in the middle and gets the blame.
There is a triangle and it needs to be broken, only who is bold and game enough to break it. My wife and I are in counselling to work through the issues. That is how we are taking responsibility for our relationship or it will end like both our previous marriages.
What about when the mother has died and you find yourself in a situation of your own kids,and his kids in the same house? And a partner who is totally overwhelmed and not only emotionally but financially as well? What are the odds of that surviving?
It’s when the children put pressure on a weak marriage or a not-yet-solid marriage bond that they can do the most damage.
Or when the biological parent does not want to acknowledge or accept that their dear child is not being very nice to the new step parent.
It feels very violating to not be believed by one’s spouse. It feels very violating to have a child intentionally and repeatedly do the opposite of what you have asked in your own private home and to feel like “even though you are an adult and you live here and this is your only home, you have no right to ask that your private property not be damaged by other people’s children.”
Unfortunately, I think that some biological parents don’t recognize that obligations to children do not excuse them from their obligations to their new marriage (and vice versa). I think the main problem is balancing wants versus needs–and understanding that you cannot please everybody all the time and sometimes you might make people mad.
Marriage takes work–even when there are no kids involved. The fact that you bring kids to a marriage doesn’t entitle you to a “get out of responsibility free” card every time your spouse brings up a marital issue. If one partner is routinely saying “we need to work on this” or “I’m confused by this” or “I’m uncomfortable with this” and so on –trying very hard to engage his or her spouse–and the other partner says “I’m sorry, I’m too busy doing my sacred parent duty to be a spouse to you” — that severely weakens a marriage. Or if the step parent asks a legitimate question: “what do I do when your child doesn’t do what I ask and throws food at me?” and the biological parent’s primary reaction is “my baby would never do that.”
There are days I’ve felt so excluded and lonely in this marriage “family” that I just think it would be far easier to be single.
I don’t mind working at something difficult if I find it satisfying or I have hope for the future.
But why should I get up and work so hard at this marriage every day when my spouse gets up every day and says “I’m to busy to work on this marriage, I have to go be the super parent.”
I think if you go and make a solemn vow to a person that you want to be married to them, you cannot turn around and say to them: “except when I’m too busy being a super parent.”
Of course you need to look out for the basics for your child, but “eternal happiness” is not a basic you ought to be promising the children.
unfortunately I have seen the darker side of this. I love my stepdaughters and they love me. BUT their biological mother repeatedly tells them that if I were gone things would be perfect and Mom and Dad can live in the same house and all can get back to normal. It has been 6 years since the divorce and they don’t remember that normal was MOM never around and never telling them I love you or kissing them goodnight. Now on her visitation she tries to be the cool mom spending money on them to make them love her and telling them god will hate them if they love me or dad more than they love her. It is drastically sad and extremely wrong!!!!!!!!!
I think it is always up to the parents to control the situation, but for me i have two kids 9 and 7,and my soon to be hubby has one and he is 3.. my hubby is only child and doesn’t undrstand that kids are kids and there not aways gnna get along…
I agree with much of what has been written. The issue is very layered for me. There are my children’s feelings about my partner and their dad’s new partner. They have my permission to like his new partner but have never received permission from their dad to like mine. It is hard for us to know how conflicted our children are or what kind of minefield they are having to navigate every time they transition from one house to the other. They have different rules, expectations, everything. My son (who is ten) was actually able to articulate that he wants to be a grown up and live by himself so that he can be totally himself all the time. He feels like a different person in each house and wants that part to end.
Then there is the layer of my own feelings of wanting to be a great parent and always feeling like I am being compared with their other parent and falling short no matter what I do. There is also the issue of my partner’s children who are older than mine and their expectations and rules which are different than how my children have grown up.
Given all the layers, it’s amazing that anyone ever gets along! However, I have found that when I stay calm and really try to listen, to my children, to my partner, to my step-children and also to myself, that I can usually find a way through. It means acknowledging difficult and inconvenient feelings and trying not to blame or shame anyone. On a good day, I can do about half of that, on other days, not so much.
I appreciate John’s thoughtful reflections. So many of these posts are portraits of our life, as well.
We have one twist of which I’ve not heard others describe – a special needs child. My 21 yo step-daughter is mentally ill and has significant cognitive delays. She is officially disabled because of it, yet public services are scant. She is about to “graduate” from a therapeutic school and I’m terrified. She’ll live with her grandmother (mom is out of the picture) so she’ll not be under our roof anymore, but she is extremely needy, in incapable of respecting boundaries and is always in near crisis even with all the outside help she receives (mood disorder with psychotic tendencies).
Before she went away to school 2 years ago, my family was stretched to the limit. My own 2 kids were overwhelmed by living in the same household as her, and my husband and I were barely keeping it together. We have a strong relationship, but even ours had it’s limit. We’re now 2 months away from her returning and I fear what lies ahead (with no end in sight).
I’d love to hear how other families cope with a child who consumes so much energy that there’s little left for the rest. I feel like I need all the help I can get to prepare for her reentry. I don’t want to get to the point again where I’m questioning my ability to stay married to my husband with her in the picture.
Gratefully yours,
Judi
@John: I have a similar situation. though it is His Mine and ours. I consult with my husband on all major decision made with my boys BUT My husband never consults with me when it comes to his precious girls they ask dad and get everything and anything that they want they never get punished no matter what is said or done my boys just the opposite he feels no matter what they do they need punishmetn and ours together 2 and 3 get punished when they do wrong. all the kids from 17 down to 2 see what happens and know what the norm is and his girls brag all the time whether dad is there or not that they can do anything they want and there will never be punishment Can there be any right answer ? Any discussion that won’t end in a fight? I can’t see one. I love my hsuband more than I could ever explain to anyone. I love his daughters I treat them as my own but the feelings aren’t on the other side My boys hate my husband How do I deal with that
Is it unfair on the teenage child to ask them to make contact and receive the ok before turning up on the doorstep? Obviously there is a right to see/be with their parent and a natural desire, but a household with an infant (family number two) is greatly altered by the addition of a teen individual. Especially hard when that teen states they do not come in friendship to the stepparent. Who is out of line? Step for being so private, bioparent for not standing up and saying something, or child for not choosing respectful behaviour?
@Judi: Thanks for sharing everyone, please continue to respond! Can others who also have a special needs child in their blended family, please reply to Judi.
I am the grandfather who loves my only granddaughter the time she was born to my single parent daughter. My daughter married when my granddaughter was 7 years old. I saw the difference of the treatment of my son in law to my granddaughter compared to the new baby they had.
The parents should treat their children the same. My daughter does it but my son in law has a hard time adjusting to it. I read that he has no right to discipline my granddaughter. I would rather have my daughter disciple her.
My granddaughter is a very talented, submissive child.
Its up to the parents to set the tone and example for the family. I am crazy about my husband but we have been separated for 1 yr now because we have 2 teenage daughters one mine one his and blending has been a nightmare. His daughter is disrespectful and lazy, and he treats her much better than my daughter. He insists it is not his responsibility to care for my daughter it is her biological father’s responsibility. He says if he does anything for my daughter its because he wants to not because he has to?? The only problem is the girls are the same age and I resent him and his daughter because of the separate rules /rewards for his child. We are considering moving back in together for financial reasons but nothing has been resolved. I feel like all I can look forward to is misery until the kids leave for college if I can even make it that long. I can’t get through to him that fairness and consistnecy are the way to make our marriage work. I’m at the end of my rope, contemplating divorce if we can’t find a solution soon. Love is just not enough anymore!!.
Can children be blamed, or is it up to you and your partner to take responsibility?
I think in some situtions children are to blame when they are do not even try to accept or fit in after a parent and partner are doing all they can by working together to build a happy blended family for all in the future, by being an understanding, supportive team and being there for each other to achieve the results.
While I am not married, I’ve dated two different men that have children. The first man had 3 children ages, 10, 11 and 12. It was a complete nightmare on so many levels. The children tease and ganged up my 5 year old daughter endlessly! The behavior was addressed but no follow through and nothing was resolved. I was told that I can’t always protect her, etc. I finally left after a year of he!!
I really had no intentions of dating or dating another man that a child/children. First, it started out with hello and small talk, two years later. It’s amazing. We both share the value of being active parents in our childrens lives. We both have one child each, boy and girl who are disciplined and respectful plus know that we love and support them in all that they do. My boyfriend being raised by an abusive stepfather really keeps things in perspective and is very concerned about my daughter’s feelings. My daughter’s father is not involved in her life however my boyfriend’s son’s mother is, while I don’t agree with her lifestyle I respect her as the mother of my b/f’s son. I don’t agree with some of the things that happen between my b/f and his ex however I respect their relationship. (She asks for money, 100.00 here or there, never paying him back while he has full custody of his son) I also know that this is just the person he is, no just to her but to anyone! He’ll give the shirt of his back literally to help someone in need. Does he or we have the money just to give away like that, no but we are starving either. I don’t see it as a battle to fight as I have a decent relationship with her. His ex will have my daughter over at her house when she their son, etc. The two children get along pretty well for the most part minus the tired and hungry moments! I am grateful for my boyfriend and his unconditional love and acceptance of my child and myself.
I once heard, you don’t have to love the children or their mother but respect them. I can say that I honestly really tried the first time around and didn’t work which I knew I had to leave based on that belief. I’m so grateful that I left and found someone with the same values and beliefs.
I have read many of your responses and I agree with you all. It is def the responsibility of both parents, but I believe that kids need to take some of the responsibilty too. I have a 13yr old step son who makes life hell for both myself (I am married to his dad) and his step dad (his mum remarried 4yrs ago) he screams, punches, swears etc and causes both houses to be in total chaos!!! His mother is trying to be strict on him, but obviously the constant screaming and abuse this kid is dishing out is putting so much pressure on them let alone what he does when hes here. His dad (my husband) says “its just teenagers” but really, I do think when one or both of you cant find middle ground with step kids, you are doomed. but really, you always have loyalty to your kids, guilt from your past seperations and I think that muddys up the waters a bit.
Yvette, we have a similar situation and there is no doubt it is very tough, the grieving over the mother’s death is a whole issue as well. Of course the memory of the Mum (my first wife) is that she was pretty perfect.
We have plenty of other issues over the children too. We often don’t get it right. I don’t have advice, but you are not alone and we are hanging in there too, praying hard, its all we can do sometimes.
I think alot of this depends on the ages of the children both my husband and I had children when we met he a son of 7 who is now 9 and I a daugter of 3 now 5 and son of 18 months now 3 the younger two have never placed any pressure on the relationship as I dont think they remember a time when he wasn’t there and as their father decided to have nothing to do with them there is no confusion my husband is daddy and they are happy my step son how ever was a completley different kettle of fish thins started nicely enough he would hug me and tell me I looked nice or my hair was pritty I didn’t think anything of it at first he was just a nice kid but it would seem I couldnt have been more wrong, when theses actions did not result in me giving him sweets and treats and just generally allowing him his own way he changed in to a devil child, at first he was carefull to keep it out of the sight of his father so when I brouhgt it up it seemed I was making mountins out of mole hills but eventually he gave up being carefull and has made life in our house a nightmare, and we get no break as he is with us permenantly, he has tryed everything to get between us, we actually had to put an alarm on our kitchen door so he couldn’t sneek down stairs and steal food (when I say food I mean treats bisuits, cakes, crisps, cooking chocolate no real food.) he always has enough to eat he eats enough for two most of the time and like all kids got the treat things when he behaved like the others he has been denyed the treats for a while after the stealing, so that didn’t work so he started to hit the younger children, he gave up with that when he was confined to his bed when the others were playing, the next thing we knew he was going to school and telling people, teachers and kids I was beating him up all the time, I really thought at this point he might have succeded with his nasty little plan as I was ready to walk at this point, my husband and I talked it out and went in to the school it was eventually delt with and stopped, his latest one has been that he has been telling everyone that I starve him and make him watch the others eat.
I do think that as parents we are responsible for being the “bigger man” but I also think that these children are fully aware of what they are doing and should be made to feel resposible for what they are doing, it is not acceptable to treat someone in this way and it doesn’t help when there are idiots around that turn round with things like “but he’s had a hard life” or “he’s only nine” all of of the kids in our house have had a hard time of it and all he is doing is making sure that it continues for every one.
We are strong as a couple and we make sure that he never causes arguments between us when it all gets a little over heated we leave it untill we can discuss it with less emotional content, he is starting to see there is now way inbetween us and I think he is slowly starting to give in daft thing is he could be so happy and would have alot of what he wanted if he wasn’t being so awfull all the time.
we just hope things will improve and one day we will sit down and have a giggle about all the things that have happend
I agree with most of the replies. My situation just gets uglier and uglier. I have 2 stepsons(17 & 12) and 2 sons (20&18). It’s my house that we live in, he brought nothing into our marriage. His sons stay overnight every wed and every other weekend. They are disrespectful to my house and to my sons. When they come over here are no rules for them, and as their father calls it when (I bit**) about their behavoir or disrespect he starts to point out what my sons do wrong.His kids know and hear this. So when they are here they have the upper hand. His oldest manipulates his Dad in ways that makes my head spin. He has ruined my important events for me for the last 6 yrs, cause he knows his Dad will allow him to behave in any manner he wishes, cause there will be no consequences. My 20 is away at college and hates to come home to his only house he has grown up in, and his reason is cause he hates the way his step brothers act in our home. My stepson constantly brings his gf over during his visits. THey lay all over each other being very inapproiate. I have mentioned this to my husband and he tells me what do you want me to do I have told him over and over not to do that…The girl doesnt leave our house on wed night till midnight..I think it is insane, but nothing is ever done. And when I tell my husband i dis approve of her staying so late and their behaviour he gets angry at me and we have a fight. It has gotten so bad I just ignore the 17ys old when he is here. Why..cause he never speaks to me and treats me like crap. When it was my birthday he wouldnt even join in the dining room to sing happy birthday. I tell my husband if you want to see him go out with him take him for dinner etc. but until he respect me he should not be allowed in our home. Do you think my husband does that NO…so their is no unity between me and my hubby. And his kids know this and go full force with it. They never talk to their father when I am present, they wait till I leave the room However he knows everything that goes on with my kids. My setpson’s gf doesnt even say hi when she walks in the door. I feel used and I know I dont have any support from my husband. His kids can treat my any way they want and he allows it. He is enabling their actions in our home. It is his fault and his kids. They are both responsible for what has happened. Oh and my hubby tells me I need to mend the problem between myself and his 17 yr old. Which I will never do, cause I have over and over and I just get treated more disrespfully. Any ideas,
I, thankfully have not encountered this situation, but know people that have. It is unfortunate, but some stepchildren can act one way when the 2 adults are present and a completely other way when just with the step-parent. If the step-parent is not strong enough to understand where this behaviour is coming from then it can definately sabotage a relationship. My husband and I have conflict over his 3 children sometimes, mostly over discipline issues, but we do manage to talk it through and come up with solutions together
You all have very valid points. I am a stepmother to 2 younger girls, now hitting their teens. They will say whatever their dad wants to hear and do the opposite. We have come close to splitting up over this many times in the last 6 years. I’ve gotten great insight from Adele’s book and her emails. I still have issues of jealousy and they still pull some of the same attention seeking behavior, but now I talk to my husband when they are gone about it and give him suggestions on how we could try working with it so the behavior stops. I think that no matter what, there will always be issues. That’s human nature. We love our own children to a fault and expect a basic stranger to them to love them just as much. That’s rare. My husband and I worked through “The Love Dare” together to bond our relationship closer and that helped us with the communication about the kids. If you provide a strong obvious committment to your new spouse and don’t accept less than at least respectful behavior from your kids to your spouse, you can make it work. It will ALWAYS be a challenge, but can make you grow stronger. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t marry a man with younger kids. But I’m in it and I’m not going anywhere.
Yes, I do believe that children can tear a relationship apart and I also believe that the marriage can last with a lot of work. I have 3 teenage daughters that live with us all the time and he has 2 teenage daughters that lives with us part of the time. We have been married for 8 years now with a lot of ups and downs, including almost being divorced. We are working on making the marriage work as a daily priority even though it feels like 2 separate families living 2 separate lives. For right now, that’s the best that we can do. God will answer my prayers in his time. Making everything work is often too much and too overwhelming, so focus on one thing and make it work!!
Children are never to blame, its how they are raised by their parents that is the blame. I am now going through a divorce with my husband. He has raised his child to believe she has say on who he is aloud to be with. He was never on my side. And I will never blame her. Its too bad he didnt feel that our relationship was worth saving.
I feel that both the children and the parents can tear a relationship apart. I am engaged to someone who has a 19, 17, 15 amd I myself have a 7 and 4 year old. Our relationship is perfect except for when it comes to his children. I have taught my children to be respectful of me and others. His kids have not been taught the same thing. He lives with me so his children come to our home on the weekend. He has the attitude that they are his kids and I have no say as to what goes on in thier lives. His children never address me only their dad and he can’t be out of their sight for more then 5 minutes before they are yellng and screaming for him. There is no discipline at all. Unless you count “Knock it off” as discipline. They yell and swear at him and he says nothing. Being the so called stepparent I don’t feel like its my place to say anything so I keep my mouth shout and usually turn to being very quiet and shut down in my own home. He also acts very different towards me when his children are around. Its like I don’t exist.
Judi, My stepchildren or my children do not have disabilities but I know where you are coming from. My stepchildren are older and are unable to take care of themselves in any way. When they are over my fiance butters their bread cuts their meat. If they are wanting a drink he goes and gets it for them. I have worked with several children over the years with disabilities and I feel like they do better then these children who are mentally physically fine. His youngest (15) consumes all of our energy when she is around. More so then my two younger children. It is all about her, what can we do for her. What are we going to buy her.By sunday night I am exhausted, I feel like I have had a clown suit on all weekend because she needs constant entertainment.
We have talked about getting a bigger home so his children could come and live with us and to tell you the truth I am scared to death if that ever happens. I can’t and shouldn’t have to compete with a 15 year old. I can barely make it through a weekend let alone full time. I love my fiance more then anything but it comes right down to I can’t be set aside all the time for his kids. I want him to treat me like he treats them, so maybe it is insecurity on my part. I make every effort for him as well as go out of my way for his children. I have thrown birthday parties, helped with homework.You name it I have done it.
My fiance claims its to late to try to change the way his children are. I don’t believe so I said we need to tell them the rules of this house. Be respectful, mind your manners, treat others as you would like to be treated. If not there should be consquences. He does not agree.
Do I stay or do I go?
I have 12 year old twins and my new husband has a 20 year old and a 12 year old, ALL BOYS! His 12 year old is treated like a 4 year old yet I am constantly told how “weak minded” my boys are because their dad is VERY laid back (hence the “ex” part) and even lazy and they take after him. All the boys are involved in sports and all are great atheletes by I constantly feel like he holds his boys to such a higher level than mine because they are “tough guys” and if people don’t agree with them, they basically bully or threaten to beat them up! I don’t WANT my boys to be like that! Am I missing something? Will this “comparison” between HIS & MINE ever stop?
I have a stepdaughter who suffers from anxiety, post traumatic stress syndrome, ADHD and behavioral issues, after three years of being with her father and now engaged I am wondering if we will ever walk down the aisle. She is putting A LOT of stress on our relationship because we dont know how to help her and since she still longs for her mothers attention and affection she looks at me like an intruder…i dont think we are going to make it…..
I agree with alot that has been said. I am divorced and my partner has been divorced we both have children however his three are in their teens and mine only nine. We are very good at discussing problems together that may arise with the children. all of them have accepted the other partner however After six years my partner is still saying they need time to adjust. when they “use” him . Everytime we get into a possition where we are ready to move forward into a more committed relationship his teenage children seem to pull this “baby ” act and cry and such and pull him away because the”this is so hard for them”. Thus leaving us torn apart from the next step. How do you move past that? I believe the adults are responsible but so are the children and we are talking about 15, 16 and 21 yr olds who need to grow up and let the dad move on….And a dad ho needs to see what really is going on. ( he just can’t seem to though even after six years). Ulitimately (like the step dad in the previous msgs) I often wish we had more time togather without the children to develope that bond and move forward with out the threat of sabatage.
I believe the couple has to be 100% committed to making the relationship work. Marriage is already difficult. When you combine it with a blended family, it’s really, really complicated. The posts show how complicated and different each situation is.
We have an onion with many layers. My adult son, who is married and out of the house, respects my husband but silently doesn’t prefer his children. He is respectful when in their presense. He has a step mother and step siblings also. I have never told him to like or dislike his father’s family. Although I may have pointed out right from wrong actions, I let him form his own opinions. To that point, two of his step siblings were welcomed in his wedding.
My husband and I live with his teen to young adult daughters. Although my husbande insists on civility in the house where I’m concerned, I find my step-daughters to be passive aggressive and very jealous human beings. I also know it is not all of their fault. They have been told by their mother that they are not permitted to talk to, eat with or like me at all. That would be disrespectful to her. They mock my actions, but it is all behind my back. For the first two years, they would speak to me only if I asked them a question and they had to respond. Although it has improved, they still don’t openly converse with me.
I try to be an example of graciousness and forgiveness, but let’s face it. I’m also a human being with feelings. Their actions are hurtful. That makes some days better than others.
My husband and I try to keep some dating and relationship rituals mixed with spontaneous actions. He listens to me endlessly and wishes things could change. However, we know there are some things out of our control. Although sometimes I wish I did a little more research on the challenges of step parenting, we made a vow and are committed to keeping it.
I do think that the responsibility for the relationship lies in the hands of the couple. Yes, the kids will always pool our legs and try to get our protection but that does not mean that we have to turn agains our partner for that reason. No, we have to find a way to resolve the problems together with our partner. That is why is so important to listen to our partners and children, and acknowledge the mistakes that we or our children make.
It is really tricky when each parent brings a child of his/her own. It seems like the toughest part is to remain calm and unbiased in controversial situations. I am blamed for very quickly jumping into conclusions in given situations with the kids. This looks like a common mistake: once we perceive an image of our stepchildren, it is very difficult to see them out of that picture and we can make reasonable conclusions of what to expect from them in the next moment. However, that narrow image that we have created of them, does not allow room for improvement and change, which we often hope for but not enough. We often condemn our step-children or our own children as lazy, spoiled, crazy, abusive or any other negative label, and cannot see them as whole. That is why I think it is so important to listen and react on time to any good or bad deeds that you see. Have a relationship with your step-child and acknowledge/encourage their good side, do not neglect your child (a mistake I did), talk to your partner and if needed go to counseling. Do everything that is in your power to affect a positive change. I know it is very difficult to do that when you see your partner not making the same effort and caring only for his/her child, but with time we can only hope and pray that he/she will see your positive example and start to warm up toward your child. I hope I am not too hopeful, but what else other than love, faith, and hope we are left with. Nothing else will work.
Yes, you should not allow anything less than respect for your own child and yourself. Do not bend backward to accommodate unfair rules, wrong attitudes, disrespectful behavior, and so forth just to please your partner and your step-child. This is not love, this is abuse. Stand up for yourself and be an example for your children. Otherwise, it will backfire: your own children will grow confused, unappreciated, angry, full of resentment. You, too will go down depression lane or into anger. Why do that to yourself? I am proud of Tara for leaving an abusive relationship and everyone of us should want and expect more for ourselves and more of our new families. Isn’t that why we left our previous marriages. Why settle for less?
On the topic of children with special needs: again, it is critical that the partners are on the same page and think how to support the needy child. It is our responsibility as parents. If you have taken the step-parent role, welcome to the game, now is your responsibility, too. But you need to be strong and confront head on the problems that you are facing; the key is problem solving. That is why it is so important to show concern and support to your partner and listen to each other. Do not think that your problem will miraculously go away. The more you postpone confronting the issues, the deeper in resentment and anger you will go. So, start talking today how you are going to handle the situation and agree only on solutions that you think are fair and you can handle. Remember, if you think compassion, it will be much easier to deal with the whole situation and it will help you strengthen the bonds in your family. God has asked us to love our neighbor, period. He did not say love them only if they are healthy, if they are pretty, if they are good to you, no! We need to love them all. We all need love even when we make a mistake (we need forgiveness), even when we are out of our mind (we need compassion), even more when we are angry, when we are helpless… and it is not easy, I am not saying that it is, but each and everyone of us has to try hard as a parent, step-parent, friend or spouse, to accept the rest just the way they are and to teach them with love, patience, and firmness when someone does wrong. It is our duty as humans. Only that works if we want to preserve the peace and happiness in our families and the health of our children. Think “what am I teaching my child with my/ partner’s behavior?” Is that what I want them to learn? Use each day as an opportunity to help them learn, listen and you would learn in the process as well.
I believe that the parents in any family need to be on the same page and especially in a blended family. The children know when you are not and will use that against you.
History.. Wife – two children, one from divorce, one out of wedlock, both father’s still in picture. Husband – three children, mother died 10 yrs ago when youngest was 2. And 1 child together.
Husbands oldest daughter continues to drive a wedge between her dad and I. Not 100% her fault, dad should be doing something about it. She no longer lives with us. We built a new home and SHE chose not to move with us so dad allowed her to live in the old house (5 bedroom on 1 acre) until she finishes college. NEVER discussed any of it with me. Mortgage much more than if she went to a dorm. Her choice to be on her own yet dad pays 100% of everything. She has no responsibilities for any of her bills. Dad pays for her cell, her brand new car (her 3rd from us), her car gas, cable, new computer, the list is endless. It’s been like this for over a year now. She graduates finally in May. So we need to try to get the house ready to sell but she and her boyfriend (who she moved into the house without asking) are slobs and my husband is also doing nothing about it.
Back a little…my husband travels approx 90% of the time, no exaggeration. The wedge she drives between us started when she realized that I needed to take on a different role. Things were fun until my kids and I moved in and dad and I married. Since my husband travelled all the time my role changed to being in charge of all the kids. The oldest fought this right away. My husband said she needs to adjust. I felt we needed to sit with the kids and explain what we expected from all of them. We never did. One thing they needed to know was that I was never going to be able to replace their mother but I am another person in their lives that cares. My husband gave her a curfew and a list of chores. She very often came home very late and didn’t do her chores. I would let him know. She would tell him I was lying. I felt he didn’t believe me because he just let her do what she wanted. I then found out that she was threatening to leave, move in with an aunt or grandparents and he said that he was not going to lose her (she was 15ish). Instead he continued to allow her to walk all over me and himself. He said he didn’t care if she walked all over him. She would often tell me that she knew exactly how to get what she wanted from her dad….cry, just do it, or bug him until he relents (which doesn’t take long). We’ve had many discussions over her being manipulative and disrespectful in the home and they all just led to me being the one who didn’t understand her feelings and that I didn’t like her. He said that we should be thankful she’s not out drinking, doing drugs and everyone outside the home thinks she’s great so what is my problem.
She has never had to be held accountable for her actions. She totalled my car when she started driving, okay, it happens (and she was not injured) but then he replaced it with a more expensive car for her. Then she had multiple speeding tickets that he paid his lawyer friend to have changed to non-moving violations so as to not have them on her record. He had told her the next time she would have to pay, of course he paid. Same thing with the hundreds of dollars of overages on her cell. From day one he told her that even a penny over she’d have to pay. She went over, he threatened, he paid, she went over, he threatened, he paid, etc. Then the one year she went away to college he gave her our credit card, no limit, just told her it was for school stuff and emergencies. She spent 1000 to 2000 a month. Same pattern…dad would threaten to take it away, she promised not to do it, she did it, he paid, he threatened….etc. I didn’t even spend that much taking care of 5 other children!
The one day that I was hoping my husband would actually have his attention focused on me was our wedding day. Very small, weekday ceremony. Family and a few very close friends. After the ceremony we went to a small hall for dinner. His daughter told him that she was not coming to the ceremony, and she didn’t. And when she showed up at dinner she (and the other kids) sat at the table with us. I had given all the kids the appropriate style flowers (didn’t think the boys wanted a small bouquet 🙂 ) and I had hers sitting at her spot for her. During dinner she went to the bathroom for most of it crying and that’s where dad was for a good part also. He then asked her aunt to help him.
Does it sound like I’m becoming bitter? Yes, I have become resentful but it has not stopped me from being fair and always there when she needed someone. She had day surgery, I was there before and after. She had her wisdom teeth out, I was there holding her hand. When she was ill, I stayed up with her and was there to clean her up and get her what she needed. When she had bad days, I listened and still do. I just don’t say much because the second I disagree with something she gets upset with me.
When dad does (rarely) finally get upset about something and comes down on her a little she breaks out the cards or an email and writes a lengthy, “I’m sorry and I really do appreciate everything you do for me note”. That, of course, pulls on his heartstrings.
Now, is this how it is with the other 2 of his kids. Absolutely not to the extent that it is with his oldest but some what. They are not quite as manipulative but they do seem a little snottier to me when they come back from hanging out with their big sis so I tend to wonder if they won’t soon be filled in on how to work over their dad the way she did/is.
After the long, exhausting, talks/arguments/disagreements I have not seen much improvement. We just don’t agree on how they should be raised. Should I just not raise his children? Okay, how does that work when he’s not around and they have no surviving mother? Should I just be like a babysitter and do as he wishes and then I raise my children differently? I don’t feel that would be right to have his kids rules and my kids rules all under the same roof.
How did I not see that we were so different? I ask myself that all the time. I wouldn’t have become involved if we didn’t discuss these issues and had many of the same views…some how I missed something. I thought we both believed that kids should have responsibility for their actions, consequences. Slowly begin giving them some fiscal responsibilities when they have a job. Not allow the children to use a death or divorce against us or as a way to get something from anyone.
There is so much not right with our family a counselor, psychologist, whatever the title may be, would get exhausted trying to muddle through it all. We actually did attempt to see someone. We went once, my husband didn’t like that it seemed the person agreed with what I thought needs to be done. My husband is extremely smart and though he says he’s not perfect, he appears to think that he doesn’t need to change anything.
So, in regards to parents needing to be on the same page or at least letting the kids think you are, I am it’s biggest proponent. As you can see with all I’ve gushed out here as examples of what happens when parents are not.
There is sooo much more but I do need to actually do something and I’ve already taken enough of your time. Thanks to all who read this, I needed to share/vent with people who understand. And thanks to all of you who shared, strangely, it helps when you don’t feel like you’re all alone. Like Martin said, “we are hanging in there too, praying hard, it’s all we can do sometimes.”
Both. The teen loves to see us argue. It is confirmation that it is not a perfect union in comparison to her mother’s was with him. She refuses to eat the dinners I cook after two years of being together. He is inconsistent in his role of presenting as one about twenty percent of the time, and this gives her a hole to cause a riff.
I see so much in all the posts here which make sense to me! I am a newlywed with two children of my own (16 and 11) and three stepsons who live with us half the time (18,15, 12 yoa). My eldest stepson is insufferable! He is rude, disrespectful and willfully disobidient. He makes fun of me to and his father to our faces and to the other children.
My husband will confront him and the child- who is slick and sly- makes excuses and my husband says “okay” and walks away! No apologies, consequences, etc…. Very frustrating. I have more than once asked him to leave. I love him so much, and he is a great step dad- treats my children like his own. The only issue we have is his ability to both see the behavior and consistently address it. The other two boys of his are doing well. We have made alot of headway in adjusting. At times that they are over without his eldest, things are so much better- although they all have some basic behavioral issues. However, when the eldest shows up, they try to mimic him and quickly become rude and argumentative and hurtful.
I am at a breaking point… as much as I love my husband, my kids were raised differently- I put in the hard work when they were little in order to avoid having this kind of teenager. I find that I no longer want to live this way. I don’t want a house of strain …
My question is this- since he is 18, would it be wrong to tell him he simply cannot come over anymore until he can be respectful and follow the house rules? That is what I think we should do… after all, I wouldn’t let a neighbor/cousin/parent/friend/coworker in the house if they treated me this way! Why do I have to with him??
No, the children aren’t to blame, they didn’t choose this situation and I’m saying this through gritted teeth. A child’s coping mechanism has a lot to do with how they are brought up and the influence of the people around them. Depsite their nature (versus nuture) how they deal with a situation or how their response is ‘managed’ is down to the natural parents. Unfortuantely the step-parent, often the butt, is fairly powerless. Whilst you may think that you share the values of your new partner the words and the actions are not always synchronised. I thought that we had the same values but their interpretation is very different.
The age of the children at separation obviously does have an impact but many unblended families have problems with teenagers. Can we remember when we really did start to understand group dynamics? It is a complication time their personal development made more complex by a demanding situaion when they don’t have the skills to deal with it. Having been through 2 blended families, I found that the first step-daughter was very difficult as a teenager but in her 20s we developed a very close relationship because she merely grew up. Somtimes you have to hang in there but your own relationship has to be very strong to weather the storm.
It is nice to believe that parents being 100% would solve the problem. The problem starts with the existing issue. When both parents agree that an issue exists than they both can work at the 100% effort.
My husband does not want to believe an issue exists and now that he is slowly coming around he is barely addressing the issue if at all. In the meantime his 8yr old daughter continues to be disprespectful, excluding, and spoiled. She seems to relish in the moments when she sees her dad at odds with me. She is growing stronger in her manipulative behaviors. Our relationship ebs and flows. In the eb he has now begun to physically threaten me. This happens only when the arguement is about his daughter. Our arguements get ugly and involve cussing and name calling. We have not yet celebrated our 2nd year of marriage.
I have known them both for 5 years now. I noticed her behaviors and discussed them with her father. He agreed to most and said he would work on them. He is still working on them with very little change. She was better prior to the marriage. She is inclined to co-dependent relationships. My husband has a co-dependent mother. His daughter’s mother exhibits co-dependency with her mother and her daughter. His daughter is in therapy and she has been known to lie to the therapist about her relationship with me, telling the therapist it is fine and I do wonderful things with her on occasion.
I believe my husband is the good man i fell in love with. But he is spiralling out of that person. He will protect his daughter at no ends and does not want her to experience in discomfort that CHANGE might bring about. His daughter is smart and that’s it. She has no character. You do not see her being kind, caring, or responsible outside of this behavior toward her dad. At school the teacher has reported problems with her listening and paying attention and doing what is told. She only does what she wants and has not been challenged to what is right.
Yes a child can tear apart a relationship and prevent it from being 100%.
@Clouded judgement: It is my opinion that a stepchild shouldn’t have to ask for permission or to wait to be asked over to what should be their home!
I have a family of six children which is made up of my 3 children from a previous relationship, my partner’s two children from a previous relationship and our child. Their ages range from 25 to 3 with all but the eldest living at home. Some of them at different times have lived with their other bioparent and just visited us. Now all but one of the five live with us fulltime. We have made it our goal to always ensure that the children regardless of where they have lived know that they have a home with us and that they are always welcome. The older ones come and go as they please (just as they would if both parents were together) with the only rule being if they want feeding at supper time they must let me know in advance or sort themselves out. The one that doesn’t live with us fulltime splits their time equally between both homes.
But most importantly we are a family there has never been a “second family”. And I believe that this “second family” is part of the problem.
I do not feel that the children are capable of “tearing us up” however I can say that unchecked and ex-spouse’s condoning or encouraging disrespectful behavior, or possibly more destructive~~the ex-spouse’s lack of encouragement in a child’s embracing a parents new partner may be even more damaging. Children may feel the need to have “permission” to enjoy this new person in their life so as not to hurt the other parent. So, at least for us, it is the lack of encouragement on the custodial mother’s part that and her lack of respect for his life separate from her their children. She frequently calls with pseudo emergencies at all hours of the day/night, speaks very disrespectfully to him in earshot of the children. She also discloses legal/financial issues to the children, blaming him/us for her lack of financial accountability. She speaks ill of my children (roughly the same (teen) ages and discourages friendships~~sighting us as the “new family”. P.S. Good old Catholic boys take this very hard, even if his ex-spouse was an adulteress. Cathartic, thank you!
@Judi: Judi, I would love to be able to email with you because I’m in a very similar situation. My husband has a teenage special-needs son with a profound physical disability. He is confined to a wheelchair. With the assistance of a “helper” he is able to attend public schools. Mentally he’s sharp. Unfortunately The past 3 years, soon after his father and I started dating, he has developed mental and emotional instabilities culminating in 3 separate admissions to an inpatient psychiatric unit. He has had terrible angry outbursts, terrifying his younger sister and stepsister. He admitted to his counselor that his ultimate plan was to break up the relationship between his father and I. My husband and I went through extensive counseling for about a year to learn coping skills in order to keep our relationship going strong. I could write so much more but I need to run. I’ll visit later..
Yes I do believe the children can tear apart even the strongest relationship or distort it until you can no longer recognize what you started out with. Yes in the beginning you think you will be strong and objective but as time and continued stresses in and out of the marriage go on and on you become less resilient to the constant bombardment. The children and to me the older ones are the ones who seem to have the mind set of a control factor or a contest to see who wins out; they are the ones who will not allow any peace in the family until you don’t even want to come home and deal with another situation after working all day. I say this all because I was literally at the end of my rope and marriage was suffering to the point I thought we could not recover. When the last one Finally left the nest at 23 and with her 2 year old baby in toe- months later I see how much she affected our marriage; because now we are happy and peaceful again and starting to enjoy one another again. I have a sister in law who is maybe not as fortunate as I because her 21 year old step son will probably win out to destroy her marriage as he has set out to do and is obvious to everyone except her husband.
I don’t know WHY these children refuse to see how their natural parents were destroying the family through incapatibility and take it upon theirselves to destroy the second attempt to have a happy family.
I totally believe that children can tear a relationship apart, and that they understand about sabotage. Yes, I’m sure that if a relationship is 100% and the couple talk all the issues through etc, then this can prevent the children doing damage…..
I’m not married, but I’m in a defacto relationship. I was unable to have children of my own, but my partner has 3 teenage boys. The youngest boy is really difficult, and has been since he was very young, according to his mother. My partner apparently didn’t acknowledge that there was an issue, but in the last couple of years he has had to, due to the huge problems occurring. But even still, my partner continues to act like his children are perfect and that any issues are caused by me, or he goes into major defence mode, as if anything that’s not perfect is a reflection on him. This is really difficult, and makes me feel very alone.
We generally have a great time together, but as soon as the boys arrive or his ex-wife contacts him for something, then I’m on the outer. He continues to defend the way he is, and says that it’s my imagination, but even a counsellor once told us that he seemed to be so worried that if he disciplined the boys or didn’t give them what they wanted, they might not love him and come and see him. So I feel like I’m battling with this issue all the time.
The 2 older boys are definitely better, but the youngest boy controls all of us – this includes his mother and her partner. My partner doesn’t want to acknowledge that he knows that he’s playing everyone off and that he is manipulating things, and he says that the boy is just sensitive, so he reacts…. he also then says that we should try not to upset him, as it only ruins the weekend.
We walk constantly on egg shells when the youngest is with us, because we never know what will set him off. A few weeks ago I asked him to empty the dishwasher and he said it was the other boys turn, but they were away so I asked him to do it, and it became a huge tantrum for nearly 5 hours. During this time he was ringing and texting his mum, who as usual then gets in touch with my partner, demanding to know why there is a problem. Of course I got the blame for upsetting him, and that is really hard to deal with. The oldest boy came home and backed me up, which was a first, and he said that these sort of incidents happen at home all the time, and it wasn’t my fault. He also said I wasn’t trying to ‘be their mother’ by asking for a simple thing to be done. The last thing I want is to be their mother….
I find their mother interferes a lot when they are with us, which also makes things very difficult and allows the boys (mainly the youngest) to manipulate things. My partner also still does a lot for her and everytime she wants something done, she just uses the excuse that it’s for the boys, and my partner does it. (for example going over and putting her rubbish bins out, cause she is away on holiday) He says that there’s no reason to be ‘at war’ which I agree with, but I also don’t see why he has to do things for her, and why he allows her to continue sending guilt messages whenever the youngest decides to moan about not getting what he wants.
I have found the comments posted so far, very interesting, and it does help to know I’m not alone with my feelings. And I definitely believe that children get away with far too much and then get the power to destroy what could be a great relationship. I’m trying to hang in there….
Wishing you all well and luck for the future.
Melissa: I think we are dealing with the same “ex-spouse”! lol It is very frustrating to deal with her but I always try to be the “bigger person” by being extremely friendly and nice. However, my patience with this is growing slim. I hear her talking trash about my kids not only to her kids, but to my husband, which he totally chimes in with, thinking that I don’t hear. I am not sure how to deal with the situation or even if there is a way TO deal with it…one that will turn out well anyway.
I have been in this step parenting thing for about 6 years. I wish I had never put myself in the situation because of my children. I have been treated very poorly by my step children, my kids have been accused of stealing from their step siblings, I have been put in the most awkward situations with my husband because of his children, on and on and on. It is the parents responsibilty to keep it together but dream on, when kids manipulate and lie to their dad, one person ends up being the lier and one ends up being the one telling the truth and it is usually the step mother that is accused of not telling the truth. All my step kids ae out of the house and it doesn’t seem to have gotten better. They have nothing to do with me but when a wedding comes us I am a free wedding planner and have to drop everything to make sure they are taken care of. Lots of hard feelings for me towards them…yes, kids do break up a marriage or relationship, dads are loyal to their kids, not to their wife, they can say that they are but they are not.
You have every right to tell the Stepson18 that, ” I may not be your mother but I am an adult in this house. I treat you with respect and I expect the same from you. If you choose to continue to treat me disrespctfully you will not be welcome here”
The trick is that your spouse HAS to be on board or it will blow-up in your face.
You can tell SS18 that you will not tolerate disrespect from him, but it carries weight when Daddy-dearest is standing beside you.
Remember, you mean NOTHING to this child. He does not care if your marriage survives, his only goal is to get his way.
Dot
First marriages STAY together for the kids, second marriages break up BECAUSE of the kids.
I have been in the full time stepparent game for almost 6 years. We have 8 kids total. 4his 4mine.
4 boys and 4 girls. I have read book after book and I still don’t have it right.
Kids (bio or step) will find any chink in your married armor and hack away at it.
Their job is to get what they want, ANYWAY they can. They will run over anything in their path (that’s you)
Remember the game plan and you have a chance.
If you and partner are at odds, forget it.
So interesting to read all of your comments. It can be so hard to make this blended family situation work. Seems like lots of you step parents are waiting for your partners to set boundaries and limits for their kids and you may be waiting a long time…Sounds like lots of the parents are sort of over-compensating for the situation/divorce/death etc. So much guilt involved, it can really screw up the dynamics. I do think that you need to set the rules and boundaries yourself for your home, clarify expectations and consequences for ALL the kids, and be confident and strong about this. You will gain more respect from the kids and from your partner. Easy for me to say, I know, but very difficult to do if you dont have the backup of your partner. Kids are fantastic at dividing and conquering if they notice any sign of weakness or any sign that the marriage/relationship has cracks.
I am at my witts end with my stepson. He is 7 almost 8 and is the most troubled soul, I have ever met. Split personality is all I can think of when talking about him..He tell’s his father I do horible things such as(pulling hair, flipping off, not feeding, calling him names) I now do not have him alone unless my husband is here. He acts afraid of me and then when his dad is not around..He says horrible things to me.This is breaking my family apart and making me angry with him..Is this his goal? Am I crazy? He has gotten his father to question who I am..My stepson has had major problems since he was 5 and was even taken out of kindergarten for it. I believe my relationship will come to an end soon because I cant take it anymore. Very sad.