Blending after the death of a parent
Adele Cornish, BSW
Blended families evolve after the death of a parent or a parent’s divorce/separation. Here I’d like to focus on those who have repartnered with children after the death of a spouse/partner. The following tips are for those with children/stepchildren whose parent has died.
- Talk openly about the death; it helps children understand that grief is natural
- Accept and respect their feelings and allow them to express emotion
- Encourage them to ask questions; do not worry about having all the answers but focus on letting them know that you care. Questions help children understand and adjust.
This blog is for those with children whose parent has died and is based on the following question:
What is the issue you’ve most struggled with and what have you found that’s helped?
To share with others in a similar position please respond below
Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor
My partner and I have been together for 4 yrs,I have 2 girls aged 7 and 11. He has 16 yr old twins,boy girl and an 11 yr old daughter.We moved in together and got engaged almost 2 yrs ago and 4 days later,his ex wife told us she had cancer.She died last May and the kids moved in with us full time.There are so many things to feel bitter about,Idont know where to start. I gave up my house to move to a bigger one,my precious time with my own girls,lots and lots of money,the grief in the house and everywhere else was overwhelming. I was constantly at school with his youngest,helping her to deal with the grief,crying with her and trying to work and run a house for 7 people,which is a mission on its own. My partner couldnt handle the situation and asked me and my girls to move out a few months later,so we are no longer engaged. We try to see each other once or twice a week but it is near impossible and is pretty much all over but for the words. I cant explain clearly how much pain we have all gone through and how much anger and guilt for the anger I carry around with me. We are unfortunately not in a position to stay together,financially or otherwise.His youngest daughter is selfish and mean and my children have suffered greatly,and as I write that Im again struck with guilt,because she lost her mum. I lost my own to cancer not 3 yrs ago so Im familiar with the pain from an adults perspective. We lost the battle and I would be interested to know if anyone can actually survive it.
THANK YOU, Adele, for addressing this area. I have found it difficult to find support out there as most information deals with divorce situations, not death.
My situation was 2 fold. The normal “anger” associated with the healing processes of death, doubled with guilt as the 2 older children (then 18 & 22) did not get along with their mom at all and felt relief after she died 🙁 ….which lead to guilt.
My husband did a lot of over compensating because he felt guilty for their pain and loss, which created spoiled, lazy, socially awkward adults. Neither of them can make or keep friends, have ever had a date, or can hold a job. They, like their late mother, are very critical and judgemental. She was bi-polar and very hard on them, so it is learned behavior they pass on to me. The now 26 year old daughter is also clinically depressed with many psychotic tendencies (medicated since 6th grade). They don’t want to grow up after an all expense paid college educations. They still expect every one else to support them because they are “victims”, especially the daughter.
I have to keep reminding myself that the daughter is mentally ill and that she constantly needs grace and understanding, just as with any other illness or disease. I often feel inept in dealing with her illness, as I understand it so little.
I moved from Orlando to Illinois to marry for my first time at 48, after meeting my husband on a Christian website. It was difficult leaving my church and support system and to move into another womans home. I did not initially change her country decorations, though I disliked it greatly, because I did not want the children to feel I was replacing her. I kept her picture up for the first year to honor her and conveyed to them she would always be a part of our lives. I even bought an angel plaque for her for Mothers Day about “families” that we hang by our front door. Nothing seemed to help.
The 26 year old daughter fortunetly lives in Oklahoma, but still, after nearly 5 years, for the most part will not speak to me (which is much more comfortable than when she does have something to say!!!). She is no longer allowed to come home with lists of everything that is wrong with me. The 21 year old son spends summers and weekends with us from college. The 16 year old son is the love of my life. He was only 6 when his mom got cancer and died when he was 11. He was starved for a mom and has been kind and accepting of me since day 1.
The only advice I can give is “love anyway”. It is very hard and is a daily crucifiction of flesh. The Lord reminded me that it is easy to love those who love me, but greater love is to love your enemy and those who persecute me. Without His perfect love, I could not handle it. Some days, I have not handled it well at all, but I dust it off and seek His help for the next day. I send care packages, Easter baskets, cards for every occasion (Valentine’s, Easter, Birthday, etc)encouraging emails, only to be spit at, but with my husbands support and love, I give anyway. NOT because I want to or because they deserve it, but because I love Jesus and am in Covenant with Jesus and my husband in marriage.
We have been married over 2 years now, and we think the “adult” children are realizing that they can’t run me off, as hard as they tried. I am not going anywhere. My husband is VERY supportive, though I live with many double standards. But he lets the adult children know how happy he is and he wishes they would be happy for him past their own selfishness. They have made comments (to him) that they see how happy their baby brother is…. the 21 year old son now speaks to me as of this past Christmas. He even wrote me a letter asking me to forgive him for how harshly he has treated me, and THANKED me for all the care packages!!!! The very first time my tears represented joy with these children.
Without my husbands attempt to support me, I could not have remained here. I would never divorce, but often wanted to move back to Florida until his kids emotionally grew up and became more independent in thier own lives. For now, we just need to limit the amount of time they spend at home with us.
My husband also loves Jesus and we both desire to honor Him in our lives and in our home. THAT is the only way it can work~we have a Higher accountibility and we seek His help and strength together, daily. This is the best we can show the children for their future relationships. It is a challenge for my husband to put me ahead of his kids but he understands God’s Word that WE are ONE FLESH, not his children. Biological parents MUST do this to make a marriage work, and step parents must be willing to sacrifice and serve the children to honor and respect their spouse to make the marriage work. It is a lot of work, but when you know you are in God’s will, you can do anything!
I still cry, I still hurt, but for this~I have Jesus….and a man I love very much.
My wife of 26 years had a 10 year battle with a brain tumor. The last 4 years was a series of surgery,chemotherapy, radiation, natural chemotherapy treatment out of country and experimental chemotherapy treatments. We did everything humanly possible to extend her life with dignity. God answered our prayer for healing by taking her home a little over 2 years ago. Our five sons were ages 11 to 23 at her passing and all living at home. I am now engaged to be married to another wonderful woman who will bring another son into our home (aged between my #4 and #5 son). (We are building a new house for our family) Two of my older sons are also getting married and starting their new lives with their bride. A third is graduating college and moving on. If I could state briefly my experience with my sons (and their girl friends/future brides); the word would be SILENCE. They expected me to continue to grieve over the lose of my wife, their mother, for years and years and seemed to want me to pretend everything was just like before she passed away. They have been silent and distant with only glimmers of acceptance. They could progress in their lives but I was not supported in my decision to move on with my life and love again. So they became and continue to be silent and distant toward me and my future bride. The whole topic of “step mother” and “Step brother and sister” is rejected. It has at times been more stressful trying to move on with a new life than it was to go through years of unsuccessful treatments and deal with the sorrow of losing a loving wife. My wife and I had (and I continue to have)a strong faith in God and we attempted to pass that faith unto our children. That faith brought us great comfort and joy through our 10 year battle. (There is way too much to discuss in a short comment.) I understand they loved and continue to love their mother and miss her dearly. Sadly, they don’t show much love or support to the parent that is still alive. They at times accept my decision because they can’t change it but they are not supportive if that makes sense. I just keep trying to love them the best I can, try to talk to them and let them all know that life, love and joy and family must continue for us all.
My fiance and I have been together just a little over 3 years. Approximately 1 month after he moved out of the home he shared with his former wife and filed for a divorce, she suddenly passed away from a heart attack.
His three children, a SS, now 19, a SD, now 16 and a SD, now 12 came to live with him and then us right away. I have a daughter, now 13.
His oldest daughter has never accepted the fact that her dad left her mom and that their marriage was over. She blames both me and her Dad for her Mom’s death, with the egging on from her maternal grandmother.
Things were horrible in our household until last March, when his oldest daughter decided that she would not live by our rules anymore, threatened to kill herself and ran off to her maternal grandmother’s home. Shortly after, his son followed her. They both made the decision to remain with her after begged by their father to return home.
The maternal grandmother makes a huge stink about us and the children’s social security money and is constantly telling lies about us to anyone who will listen.
Our household, with my DD13 and SD12 is good. We all love each other and it is evident. The girls are a delight (well, most of the time, they are hormonal teenage girls) and my DF and I are planning our wedding.
Unfortunately, I don’t believe that our relationship would have lasted had his oldest children stayed in our household. They were destructive, refused to follow house rules and could not be left alone. We could not trust either one of them; they lie constantly still.
I don’t really have any advice. It was very, very hard in our situation because their father had already moved on and the divorce was in the process, and then she abruptly died. His oldest daughter is not receiving the grief counseling that she needs to help her through this. She is resting on blaming her Dad and I and she is unstable.
Unless the death has occurred many, many years before, I don’t know if this kind of relationship can work. It is very difficult.
My experiences are so similar. My partner and I started living together 5 and a half years ago. He left his wife for me, which brought huge guilt and anger from all around us. But then, 2 months after he moved in with me, his ex-wife told him she had cancer. I wanted him to move back with her, I couldn’t bear the guilt that he’d left her and then she was facing such a battle. But he insisted it would be for the wrong reason and he’d be better supporting her as the father of their children, and not live the pretence of being her husband. She felt the same way and so we muddled through during her chemo, him spending his time between her home and mine. She recovered for a short while but the cancer came back with a vengence and she died a few months later. After she died, their children, then aged 6 and 9, moved in with us. I’d only been allowed to spend a total of 10 days with them before they moved in with us. It was a huge shock for all of us.
Four years on, I have a wonderful relationship with my SD who is now ten. We have since had a daughter, who is loved by all of us but my SS, who is now 12, has created so much stress. He has had a lot of counselling but he blames himself and his dad for his mother’s death and just cannot behave himself. I have tried for four years to love him, and to live with his problems. he’s been excluded from school; he’s lit matches in his bedroom and lit fires in our garden; he lies, he steals, he sometimes bullies and he constantly seeks attention. It’s exhausting. I can’t continue to feel guilty for how our relationship started, because I’ve taken on responsibility for 2 children and have spent night after night mopping up their tears and talking about their mum with them. But their mother’s family still blame me for everything that’s happened.
I have reached a point with my stepson that I do not know if we will survive the teenage years – things are so stressful now. We’ve talked about living in separate houses, me with the girls, my partner with his son. I cannot bear to lose the little girl I have brought up as my own, and I just wish I had the same bond with her brother.
I have a different situation. My husband was killed in Russia 7 years ago. My kids were 14 and 4 then. Now I am happily remarried and live in Canada. My husband treats my kids very well. They still can complain once in a while that he is not their real Dad but I never support their complains and I always tell them how lucky we are and that maybe it is because the God and their Dad are taking care of us we are so happy. I told them that their Dad loves them so much and he would like to see them happy and smiling not crying and sad. They do believe that if their Dad can see us from Heaven he is happy for us. My husband respect our believes and memories. I don’t hang my first husband pictures on walls we keep the small pictures in our Bibles and My Daughter wants her Dad’s picture in her bedroom.
my wife died when my daughter was 2 from brain cancer i waited 3 year before i started dating and took it very slow i meet a women with 2 kids and after 1.5 years we decide to move in and get ingaged her kids lived with us every othier week.
we had are ups and downs blending the faimly together but over time her daughter became jealuos of the relationship her mom built with my daughter and started telling lies aboat me and became very vendictave of my daughter. after 4 years together they moved out and my x wants to spend time with my daughter with out her kids around.I put a stop to it but know my daughter is mad at me and is going thru a nother loss in her life. this is a big loss in her life my x was the only women figure she has ever known but i dont feel its right for her not to address her own kid and her own problems and think it ok to still have my daughter in her life
I met a wonderful man a year after his wife died in a tragic car accident, leaving him with a 3 year old son,11 year old daughter and alot of personal issues
.
After 8 months of getting to know him and his children, we moved in together to form our own wee family.
Until this time, our relationship was quickly going from strength to strength with us both feeling positive about the future.
I quickly became constantly critised and unaprecciated as I was not doing things the same or as well has his former wife. As I have no children of my own, I was constantly put down for not having a authentic motherly bond and failing to provide a full mothers role and love.
Since taking on this family, their personal issues from the trauma of the loss of their mother and wife, I have done nothing by give this family 100% of myself to help them through this time and financially support them all.
I have forged a loving and strong bond with both children who love me in return. I have spent the time to get to know them, their needs, wants and dreams.
After a rocky three years, I am now hugely in debt, living in my parents home whilst they live in our house, with all my things and putting money in his account to keep them afloat. We took a step back to be able to take a step forward but how do I compete against a dead woman on a glorified pedistal?
How long are you supposed to keep trying before you give up?
I’m tired. I’m lost and I’m heart broken.
He’s still in love with his wife…
Adele, Thank you so much for starting this blog. I have struggled to find support on being married to a widower with children. We have 4 girls: mine were 19 and 14 when we married and his were 13 and 6.
We will be married 3 years this August. Although it hasn’t all been bliss, we love each other very much. That is what makes it all worth while.
All biggest struggle has been his wife’s parents. We came back from our honeymoon to find his girl’s and the shared bathroom repainted and decorated. They had come into our house while we were gone and done this. Needless to say my daughter who was also living with us at the time was and felt totally left out.
The weekends the girls spent with them (which was every other weekend) consisted of shopping sprees. When they came home they would have all kinds of new stuff. Again, this had a negative impact on my daughter. What really hurt is that this all stopped when my daughter moved back to our hometown to live.
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t expect them to include her. However, I did expect them to consider and respect who this would make a child feel.
My husbands family hasn’t been much better. As an example his sister always acknowledged and sent a gift to his girls for their birthdays…never mine.
Since then my daughter has moved home to live with her sister. This was very devastating for me and still at times makes me feel as though I have failed and abandoned my children. I adopted his younger daughter as my own, which has been another issue with my youngest daughter. I have respected the desire of his oldest daughter’s wish not to be adopted. I have let her know I am always going to be willing should she change her mind.
Again, I thank you for starting a blog that will help many of us with issues that are different from the normal issues of step-parenting.
Marion
What great timing to have come across this blog, thank you.
My sons lost their Dad to suicide in March of this year, only those that have been through this can understand the hurt that comes along with that. It was a surprise to say the least. We had been apart for ten years and continued to parent the boys together. I feel like I have been left with all the responsibility. Our sons are 21 & 23, to young to be without their Dad, whom they continued to have a strong relationship with.
In my new marriage of 2 years, following being together for 3 years, I have two daughters. They are very rude & disrespecftful to their Dad, which of course, even before my ex-husbands death drove my sons crazy. I hurt for my new husband most days in the treatment he recieves form his children.This is further challenged by a ex-wife that often forgets she isn’t married to him anymore, and still tries to run our life.
On a positive note, even though I feel my sons had a bond with my new husband, there is certainly alot more hugs, and less hand shakes. My new husband openly says he feels far more comfortable with my sons, than he does his own children. I hope one day that will change. In the meantime, I hope we can continue to draw on our strenght and love in each other.
I lost my mother when I was five and my father remarried when I was 11. We had many issues in our family, which to some extent tore it apart, though things are much better now. My relationship with my stepmother caused me so many conflicting emotions. I wanted a mother figure desperately, but also wanted to be loyal to my own dead mother. The thing that made me most unhappy was that I didn’t feel I could trust her. I couldn’t rely on her to behave rationally and consistently. She was a large and frightening figure in our lives whose mood swings ruled our existence. It was a very stressful existence and we were made to feel guilty for wanting time with our dad.
Now, as a stepmother myself, I have much better insight into the difficulties she faced. I see what an emotional nightmare it is! I also see how easy it can be to become resentful and spiteful and to try to gain petty victories. I don’t know the answers and take each day as it comes with my stepson, but I rate consistent, calm behaviour; humour; giving the bio-relationship space and reaching out at opportune moments with genuine kindness.
Looks like there are no easy answers. We must just all try to be “like Christ” in every situation. I tire of failing at it, but with His help, grace, and forgiveness, won’t give up. He is the author of relationships, and if we honor Him in Holiness in them, He will honor and bless our marriages. Forgive me, but I am rather shocked how many people just live together and expect God to bless their relationships? They are hard enough on their own, but entering into one without the Lord’s blessing would be near impossible!?!
hello Its been a struggle since the divorce 18 years ago. i got remarried 14 years ago. my wife has 2 sons. and i have one daughter. my poor daughter . has been brainwashed by just the mothers side. i have had to fight most of the time to see her. she still cant call me on her own. or talk much especially around her mother.my wife and i had a good relationship with her sister. now that cant happen anymore. she emailed and said my sister is very upset because you talk to me. she cant handle the stress. she is now out of the picture. to me i dont think her family knows half the stuff she has done to me my wife and daughter. i must have 100 letters. i think of it was her own insecuritiesalso.yes i do call my daughter. i still think she is afraid to hurt her mother. is that true? how can i get her to stop. and yes she has remarried. and he has nothing good to say about anyone.i tried to be there for my daughter but.. she always drove me and my family away. she is still doing it to this day.will she ever move on!
It’s sad to say but I am glad I am not the only one in a complex situation. Here is the rundown.
My Fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years and will be married next week. I have a 3 yr old son from a previous relationship (father is not involved) My Fiance has a 18 yr old daughter (Mother is not involved), and a 6 yr old daughter from his ex wife (not biological but he’s been there from day 1 – They split for a few months and she got pregnant then they got back together. April this year my youngest SD mother passed away from Ovarian cancer after a short battle of only 5 months. She had also had another daughter from her current boyfriend at the time age 2. Since then it has been a rocky road. My SD maternal side of the family have caused nothing but grief and insults and court battles left right and centre (we had to go as far as picking her up from daycare and hiding her for a few days to be able to get proper documentation of my Fiance’s sole custody after they picked her up for a visit)I have been bombarded with emails and phone calls saying that we are not keeping her mothers memory alive and that we are no good for her and that we are not blood and they are so they would be better people to raise her. I have had social services walk into my home because they were unsuccessful after the 3rd attempt in court to take my Fiance’s (and now mine)custody away. Another tough thing we are dealing with is the fact that during those 2 wks of in my opinion kidnapping, they fed her all this stuff about myself not being her mom and that she doesn’t have to listen to me, that she should live with them. She has wanted to be with us from day one. Shall i remind everyone that she is only 6. This poor little girl is so confused, hurt, missing her mommy and wanting everything to go back to the way it was before. I have been playing diplomatic spokesperson and protector of this lil girl. I have been called names by her maternal grandmother in front of all the children. I have even had to call the police once to have her leave our home. I have had aunts barging in saying that I have nothing to do with her and that I have no say, and saying that my fiance isnt her real dad either so hes nothing. Sigh, its starting to become a strain on our marriage, but the family isn’t whats causing it – it’s the blending of families. My SD will come up and want my fiances attention when we are speaking, and my son will do the same. They fight constantly and bug each other immensely. My SD has started lying, not listening, hitting my son, getting my son into trouble with her dad over something we find out later that he didn’t even do, or something that was instigated by her. There has also been some favourtism from her dad to her and being treated differently. Thats made me feel, I hate to say it, but resentful. BUT we are still trying very hard to keep things together and in harmony.
Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with all these very complex issues?
I have been engaged to a widower for 1 1/2 years. He has 2 children 8 and 10. I have a 6 year old. We started dating a few months after his wife passed, and have been trying hard to blend families.
The kids get a long great, but I find myself becoming more depressed. I feel as though I will never be an equal in the relationship. He puts his kids above the relationship, even though I try to be supportive and lay out healthy structure for the kids. I feel like my roll is not being respected and that I am the “bad guy” when I try to bring up issues of where we need to put our attention. He gets mad at me, and takes it personally. He then get protective of the kids like I’m doing something wrong. He has made it clear that I will never be as important as the kids to him and I am finding it hard to be positive about anything long term. He stated that he had a difficult marriage with his late wife, yet she had all the respect of a parent. It’s painful.
I don’t know if this is a normal situation, but the feeling of not ever being equal is making me question if I should continue to invest. I feel unappreciated, lonely, isolated, and feel like I am looked at as “the bad guy.” It doesn’t feel like blending. It is incredibly painful and my needs are not being met.
As of this point, I am loosing hope and don’t know if I should continue. It breaks my heart because I care about and love him and the kids. However, I am finding that feeling left out is numbing my feelings of hope. I can tell that I am shutting down so that I don’t have to feel the pain of the criticism anymore. Has anyone been through this stage before? Should I give up or be patient that it will change? I am really sad.
Catheryn,
Your feelings are more normal than you realize. REALITY? You will never be a Priority until the kids are grown and married with their own families…it is one of the sole casues of divorce in second marriages…the children. You are not the bad guy, though I know we are made to feel that way. I often feel like I only matter for cooking, cleaning, carpool…slave; but have no say in rearing, discipline, character development, etc….It is very painful, very difficult. KNOW that you are in God’s will or it will NEVER work. With His help, if He is the one leading you in this direction, it can be a success. But it still comes with many arguments, tears, and sleepless nights.
@Catheryn
Hi Annie,
Wow what a great site! I am coming accross this for the first time..I was in a blended family growing up and now have a blended family.My mom in my eyes as me being the youngest was always very hard on my step brother and sister and very controlling,now I have ended up here in a blended family of my own ,and my step kids mom is no longer living. I find myself understanding the difficulty and the issues we face everyday. I try my best to be fair..we have 5 boys that live with us.16,11,10,9,9..2boys are his and 3 are mine.I also have one older 22,on his own. My husband goes through bouts of telling me I am too hard on his 10 year old and i should give him a break because he lost his mom, his way of so called protecting him. I call it parental avoidance. My spouse favors his 1st son over his 2nd. It’s never that bad when the older boy puches the younger one, but god help the younger one if he does it..I see this alot. My husband respects me and listens to what I have to say. But I will say for us we are trying to find a middle but, We have fought over this. Parenting is hard but parenting someone elses child is even harder. My advice to you is this…get counceling -if that doesnt work..get out..I am a firm beleiver on happiness and living through struggles and overcoming them..however,God doesn’t want us to just give up, he wants us to learn from our mistakes and still be happy.If your husband doesn’t respect you enough to correct the children then you don’t have a voice as a partner. A marriage is a partnership and your their step parent.I have this saying of mine..”Character of a person is seen at their weakest moments, whether the crawl up or fall into the pit” Know the pit..
GOOD LUCK
Hi,
I am looking for guidence, opinions and sugguestions. I am 33 with 2 kids 15 and 14 and am dating a wonderful man (he’s 34) whose wife died of leukemia when their daughter was 8 months. She is now 2 1/2. My children are 100% supportive with me becoming this little ones only mother-figure she will ever know. My question is,, as she views me as her mother, loves me as her mother (I have loved her from the moment I met her) Do we allow her to call me “mom”? Which in my eyes, would be a true honor, and so would my children. But a part of me feels this would be a huge disrespect to her biological mother.(even tho she is deceased)And when do we talk to her about what a wonderful woman her real mother was and the fight she fought to battle her cancer. I didnt personally know her, but in my heart, I know I would have loved her. Also, can you suggest any books of raising a child (or I guess step-child,,which makes me cringe even calling her that)whose parent has deceased. I really want to be the best co-parent in this little girls life 🙂
Kelly, i lost my husband when my kids were 1and 3 from an accident. My son and daughter call my new husband by his first name. My daughter will call him her dad when she speaks of him, my son refers to him as his step dad when he refers to him. They have a strong bond and i do believe the facts that my husband speaks frequently and openly of their dad really helps. He does not show signs of jealousy instead he honours my late husband’s memories. I think in your situation you speak of the mom and her decide what she is comfortable in calling you. She can only respect you if you honour her mother.
I meant a man after his wife passed away from cancer with kids age 4,7, and 14. I have brought there mom into everything I don’t want them to forget her. The 14 year had always gotten what he wanted from his mom and dad. Needless to say he was spoiled he has no respcet for anyone he wants what he wants with no regard to how it effects othere poeple. While his mom was ill his dad worked, cooked and took care of them all by himself. He gave him what he wanted so he didn;t have to deal with it. His mom did buy her medcine so he could get xbox games. The 14 year is so addicted to xbox. He has no respect for me he tells me so shut up and f you and says you are nothing to me. I have told him I will never replace your mom. His dad and I are now married for 2 months now and this is causing effects on us. I just don’t know what to do anymore. We ground him and he sneakes around and does what we ground him from.