Stepparenting and discipline
Adele Cornish, BSW
Who’s got it tougher; a stepfather or stepmother?
Research shows that children can more readily accept a stepfather figure in comparison to a stepmother. Some of you won’t be surprised to learn that stepmothers are more likely to be rejected due in part to the negative influence of their stepchild’s biological mother. Children can pick up on their mother’s resentments and blame surrounding the divorce AND her negative feelings towards their father repartnering. So, I’d like to look at how this trend impacts a blended family on a daily basis by reflecting on the following question:
Are children more accepting of a stepfather disciplining them over and above a stepmother?
Here’s where I need your help. What’s your experience? Do you think a stepmother has a harder time trying to discipline her stepchildren compared to a stepfather? Perhaps they are resistant to both or open to both playing an authoritarian role. I’ m interested to hear your experience.
Please answer below.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor
p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer!
I can’t say who has it worse, b/c I’m sure we all think “my life is the hardest”. On the outside, we have it GREAT! I was introduced to my husband by his ex-wife (yes, they were already divorced). I get along with my step-daughter. She was in our wedding and for the most part all is good. And, now she is a teen. I totally disagree with how her mother AND father (my husband) set down rules. It’s lazy, there is no follow through and they seem to think “well, she’s a smart child, I don’t want to give her a hard time…”
So, we’ve been cut out of her social media, have no clue what goes on, don’t know her friends or what she does. There is the expectation that she will share with Dad what she shared with Mom. NOT TRUE!
But, Dad doesn’t want “to ruin their little time together” and Mom is “overwhelmed at just trying to keep up with all these changes”. I’m not in the position to enforce any rules so I just watch and wonder. My relationship with my step-daughter grows more and more distant b/c I don’t trust her. Yes, she get’s great grades, not in trouble, etc, but there is something that says she’s hiding…
So, I just wait…she goes to college in 2 years and we’ll see. But in the mean time, there is a LOT of my energy that is wasted fuming about discipline decisions over which I cannot control.
I don’t think steps should be disciplining…that should be left to bio parent, otherwise, resentment grows.
Almost similar to voice above with no decision making ability for discipling kids. Mine are grown and I have enormous knowledge to help raise my partners 2 kids but he would rather not have me get involved. Over the past several years when I say something I get my hand slapped (not literally) but he becomes upset with me and even says things to me in front of kids about Not Now and basically it will never be my place ! We plan to marry but this part of all living together is tough and kills a part of my wanting to be closer to the kids…. Help with what I should do ! thanks
I agree bio parents need to lay down the ground rules and set up boundaries for household. Step-parents are just there to help enforce the golden rules set by bio-parent. I have been married 8 yrs and still struggle w/ my partner to be the “Enforcer” he loves to avoid discipline issues and household boundaries but I kindly remind him if he doesn’t it just breeds resentment with the children and that we are trying to keep a healthy family environment.