Expartners: Parental Alienation and its effect
Adele Cornish, BSW
Below are the responses from a couple who have experienced the devastating effects of parental alienation
Here what one stepmother had to say:
“The mother of my stepson has been intentionally poisoning him against his father since he was about 5 years old. The poisoning escalates every time a new event happens in my husband’s life (i.e. when we got married, then again when we had our first child, then again when we had our second child, etc.). Now, my stepson is so wrapped up in her lies and brainwashing that he has aligned himself with his mother and is contributing to the denigration of his father with no guilt! Although is has been 9+ years since my husband and my stepson’s mother broke up, she actively expresses that she is still upset about them not being together and tells my stepson that his dad left her and that everything bad in her life is his father’s fault. She actively pushes my stepson to lie, and my stepson makes up bad experiences at our house just to make his mom feel good. The false allegations are getting so out of hand, that we are thinking about giving up our joint timesharing so my stepson does not have to be a pawn in his mother’s war against his father. Since we have two other sons together, we cannot jeopardize them and our well being. It makes me very upset, sick to my stomach, and angry that a parent is willing to purposely destroy the relationship of their child with the other parent out of spite. It also makes me very sad because my husband is a wonderful father, and he and his oldest son will not have the benefit of having a loving relationship with each other as long as his mother continues the alienation.”
The following response is from her husband:
“Parental alienation is one of the most heartbreaking acts to witness or to be a victim of. To see your child’s innocence and consciousness stripped away or muddled makes you feel helpless. It is often hard to fulfill the responsibility of parenting your child while at the same time battling the effects of parental alienation. To me, it is without doubt that being the targeted parent of parental alienation is one of the most horrific experiences possible.”
Have you experienced parental alienation? How have you coped with it? We look forward to your response.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. For information and strategies on how to work towards a peaceful relationship with a difficult ex-partner, please click here
My husband and I have been married 8 years. He has 2 daughters that are now 15 and 13. Their mother has severely alienated them against their father with absolutely no basis. When they divorced, he came very close to getting full custody because their mother had left to be with another man and the court viewed it as abandonment. My husband gave in to allowing her to be the custodial parent, not wanting to separate 2 girls from their mother. They were both under 4 at the time. I think their mother has always felt insecure about her parenting which led to fear of losing custody and may have led to the alienation. Since we’ve been married, there has always been a blowout every other friday when its time for him to pick up the girls. The girls fight not to come over and they can’t even articulate why they don’t want to come. Once they settle in at our home, we actually have a lot of fun.
About a year ago, he started having health problems that seemed to be tied into stress and he simply decided he wasn’t going to fight to get them anymore; if they didn’t want to come, he didn’t pick them up. He told them to let him know when they want to come and they never initiated a visit. He is heart broken. He tried to restart visitation several times, but they refuse to visit and he doesn’t have it in him to go to court again (he has been back in court several times for increases in child support). He is a good man and father. He has never revealed to the girls that they divorced due to their mother’s infidelity and never speaks a bad word of her to them. She remarried and despite their negative feelings about their new stepdad, he just repeatedly told them to give him a chance. He stays on the high road despite constant opposition but it never seems to pay off. Everyone tells us that eventually they will see the truth, but honestly, we are not so sure. Alienation is deep and insidious and makes an imprint that’s hard to erase.
I am the victim of parental alienation from my ex-husband. We have been apart for ten years. We have four wonderful boys. My boys’ dad has primary custody, which I fought against and lost.
I won’t bore readers with the nasty details of the poison my ex has planted in the minds of our kids. Suffice it to say that it takes a ton of discipline not to reciprocate. Not that it would make a difference after a decade of being made the bad guy and the scapegoat for all that is wrong in my ex’s life.
My boys are completely loyal to their dad.
There were times when I was ready to throw in the towel and not insist on visitation when the kids didn’t want to come to my house; my heart was so broken and I could not stand the estrangement.
My second husband told me NOT TO GIVE UP. He named various reasons why I should not back down and let the kids choose whether they come over or not. The best reason he gave me was “What message are you sending the kids? Do you want them to think you don’t care?”
The second best reason to enforce my rights to visitation: “How would you expect your kids to acquire any of your values of they are no longer exposed to them?’
I know everybody’s situation has something unique about it, but I encourage any one who is suffering from an ex’s parental alienation not to give up hope. Two of my sons are now adults and they do see things for what they are…namely, that their dad told them lies about me AND also their dad just can’t “get his act together”. It turns out that my ex is emotionally immature, takes zero responsibility for his actions, blaming everyone else even when the situation warrants no blame. These two sons still hear the lies from Dad but now give him little creedence. Their dad also throws tantrums but they just leave the room and choose to remain aloof.
Four years ago my second child (now 18) was to the point of not even speaking to me, skipping school and getting into serious trouble. (His dad of course blamed the delinquent acts on me.)I persevered however in my mothering duties and it has paid off. I am pleased to report that things have turned around 180 degrees. He is a hard-working college student on a merit-based scholarship, very respectful to adults and a good citizen. He tells me “thanks for believing in me, Mom. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
I don’t fish for statements like that; but they sure are great to hear!
Still having two minors that are heavily influenced by dear old dad, I can’t let my guard down. Some of the characteristics that I can’t stand in my ex are starting to manifest themselves in my two youngest. I just keep my negative comments to myself. It helps to focus on the positive. Try to keep working on teaching them to be capable and responsible.
I know there aren’t any guarentees. All I can say is as long as you know where your kids are living (in other words not in some kidnapped without-a-trace situation) it is worth it to remain in their lives to the best of your ability. You never know at what point the truth will sink in…or even if it ever will sink in.
But how tragic to wake up one day in the future and wonder if you could have done more….
Well, my marriage to husband #2 didn’t last, but I am grateful to him for the encouragement he gave me to take a leap of faith and do what was right, not convenient.
I can speak from experience as a child stuck in a situation like this. It is very heartbreaking to hear one parent say horrible things about the other. The end result is I never knew whom to believe and was stack in the middle. That lack of trust is the most damaging experience for a child, especially knowing that your own parents do not love you (according to the tales of one or both of the parents). I think that parents get carried away in parental battles that they often forget about the experience of the child. I am fortunate now that even though I am divorced, I have learned from experience how horrible is to speak badly of the other parent. We even went to a court assigned class with my ex husband where that message was reinforced. Until this day neither I or my former husband has said a bad word about the other parent, nor grandparents. We also make sure they do not hear us talking to anyone about the other parent negatively. That has greatly contributed to a very positive relationship between my former husband and me, and also between my fiance and him. Also my son, and my step-son to be look at my ex with a lot of respect and talk to him, interact with him, and play with him. We do not criticize each other and that is a great practice in my opinion. I feel sorry for those who cannot recognize the damage they are causing to their children and their former spouse by continuing to battle even after the divorce. My fiance’s former wife is like that. Interestingly, her son (my step-son to be) sees the difference between my ex’s communications with me, and his dad’s communication with his mom and he has tried to bridge that gap by asking them to hug, even asking her to hug me (for a greeting), but she refuses to cross that line, that thick border line. I guess some people could never forgive and accept their own mistakes in a relationship, because, remember relationships are made of two, not one person, and everyone plays a certain role in the break up.
Thanks for sharing such wonderful words of encouragement, hope and advice from experience, please keep them coming for those who can’t yet see light at the end of the tunnel.
My fiance and I are in the same situation, I have 2 boys that I have custody of, they see their dad every other weekend. My fiance has his 3 boys 50% of the time. His ex-wife is horrible…. she does not like me and does not hide it at all infront of the 3 boys. She talks bad about me and the boys hate me. Most of the time it feels like I am walking on egg shells in my own home. They talk to me when they need to. The five boys get along for the most part, but we do have fighting between them.
My fiance told me over the weekend that he feels like he is loosing the connection between him and his oldest son which is 11 yrs old. His oldest son is the one that gives me the most problems ( I dont need to listen to you, you cant tell me what to do). It is hard. My fiance and I talk alot, he resently asked me to change my visitation schedule so that the boys are not here on the same weekends… I really dont know if I feel comfortable in that… He wants less stress by separating the boys. Why should I change my weekend??? He says that my ex is more laid back and would be willing to help us where his ex would use it against us some how.
There are so many things…..where do I start????
I feel for anyone who has been a victim of parental alienation. It takes a strong and true relationship for a couple to survive this. I too have been well still am in this situation. But although over the past 7 years I have got greyer things have a got a little easier.
My situation is my partner and I have been together 7 years and living togather 5 years. I have one 14 year old boy who has just this year gone to his father to live in another city 2 hours away and my partner has a 17 year old boy a 14 and 13 year old girls that the mother is custodian but they spend on average 35% time per year (holidays and 2nd weekends) with their father at our place. His Ex has been difficult right from the start and tried to alienate the children from him to get back at the situation she did not like (seperation). Initially she would talk very badly in front of the kids to him when he went to pick up and other times (calling him a nothing better than a dog etc). She would use excuses for them not to come over on his time. He eventually went to family court to get some objectivity put in to the scene. He also is self employed and pays her wage (sustantial amount far more than the govt calculation) plus she works 25 hours a week. The power he has over her to get what he wants is to tell her he will not pay her this week if she does not comply with arrangements. This usually works. It is 7 years later she has not moved on and is very over weight and having a love affair with food and blaming him. The kids are quite good now but hate me and my son. They only speak to us when have to and one daughter has done some real mean and unjustified things to my son. The mother dosn’t bad mouth my partner much now cose it dosn’t have effect on their dad who they love. But now the mother still bad mouths me to try and be destructive in our relationship. My EX knows what she is like but says he can’do anyhing cose it is not overtly done. She is very clever and very jealous. Anyway things are a bit more bearable as the kids don’t seem to be so hostile to me anyway….but I do get stressed when they are there and feel like on egg shells. My partner and have just built a house and he wants his kids there as much as poss. He also likes it when my son is not there at same time as it is less stessful. My son wants to come back and live with me next year and although my partner has not said it I ;m sure he won’t be too happy. He says to me you have had your son all these years and I have missed out on mine.
Anyway I think if your relationship is worth it and you can both communicate and compromise then it is worth staying and battling or either move to another home and see each when time suits.
I really feel your pain Helen! In my similar relationship, I try to tell myself that although I can’t control “their” behaviour,(the exwife & daughter 26yrs old) I do have the option of controlling the way I react and how I let it effect me. My partner is alienated from his daughter but still has contact with his 21yr son, who used to live with us. He and my 2 sons, aged 12 and 16, are constantly battling & bickering. The resentment is growing… I don’t know what to do anymore. My partners’ daughter, who was vicious about him leaving her mother, (she used the sanctity of marriage card) has just left her husband for another guy. She told everyone not to tell my partner (her father) about it. (guilty concience…) My partner now thinks this might open the door for him to have her back in our lives…I’m worried! I’m also worried he is driving my children away. They spend more time with their father than ever.
I can speak from experience as a child stuck in a situation like this. It is very heartbreaking to hear one parent say horrible things about the other. The end result is I never knew whom to believe and was stack in the middle. That lack of trust is the most damaging experience for a child, especially knowing that your own parents do not love you (according to the tales of one or both of the parents). I think that parents get carried away in parental battles that they often forget about the experience of the child. I am fortunate now that even though I am divorced, I have learned from experience how horrible is to speak badly of the other parent. We even went to a court assigned class with my ex husband where that message was reinforced. Until this day neither I or my former husband has said a bad word about the other parent, nor grandparents. We also make sure they do not hear us talking to anyone about the other parent negatively. That has greatly contributed to a very positive relationship between my former husband and me, and also between my fiance and him. Also my son, and my step-son to be look at my ex with a lot of respect and talk to him, interact with him, and play with him. We do not criticize each other and that is a great practice in my opinion. I feel sorry for those who cannot recognize the damage they are causing to their children and their former spouse by continuing to battle even after the divorce. My fiance’s former wife is like that. Interestingly, her son (my step-son to be) sees the difference between my ex’s communications with me, and his dad’s communication with his mom and he has tried to bridge that gap by asking them to hug, even asking her to hug me (for a greeting), but she refuses to cross that line, that thick border line. I guess some people could never forgive and accept their own mistakes in a relationship, because, remember relationships are made of two, not one person, and everyone plays a certain role in the break up.
Great comment Bruce. Thanks for sharing what you’ve learnt from experience.
This is all so sad and so brutal. And it happens in my life too, and I am striving to find a way around it—with no luck. My problem is that I cannot handle all of the negative things said about me–the stepmom–to my step-kids by their mother and her family. But they do it so passively that I don’t think the kids, 8 and 11, really get it, but they get the jist and I feel it in them everytime custody changes. They are sweet kids, who, after nearly 5 years, get along great with my three kids in a truly lovely blend. My husband has been diagnosed as terminal in stage iv metastatic melanoma, and to save him the stress of dealing with his chronically irresponsible ex-wife (kids are late, don’t have their stuff, oops I forgot…this one has this going on tonight…) I have taken over the emailing. He doesn’t need the stress, per his doctor’s orders. Every email has some dig–I’m emotionally abusing the kids, I requested she get them long-sleeved sun shirts for our water vacation (she makes ten times what we do combined and pays no child support). I am accused of demanding things—when I’m trying to protect the kids from the same melanoma that has made their father ill. I can’t seem to bounce back from her comments, or her old dad’s when he gets in the fray because ‘she can’t handle it’. It knocks me out and ruins my mood. Four years later I’m just worn down by the negativity toward me. It’s debilitating and now my friends are concerned that I will get sick with the prolonged stress and aggravation. And my poor kids! In the mix. I want to ‘give them back’ and at least spare mine! I feel like it’s an either or. My eldest just graduated from high school yesterday and I feel like I’ve spent the past four years fighting with my husband’s ex and letting her ineffectual parenting negatively impact my entire life. My husband’s actual life? My own children’s lives? It’s really really tempting and I am seeing a counselor to best decide how to proceed. If this life raft is sinking, I know who I’m grabbing.
I can speak from experience as a child stuck in a situation like this. It is very heartbreaking to hear one parent say horrible things about the other. The end result is I never knew whom to believe and was stack in the middle. That lack of trust is the most damaging experience for a child, especially knowing that your own parents do not love you (according to the tales of one or both of the parents). I think that parents get carried away in parental battles that they often forget about the experience of the child. I am fortunate now that even though I am divorced, I have learned from experience how horrible is to speak badly of the other parent. We even went to a court assigned class with my ex husband where that message was reinforced. Until this day neither I or my former husband has said a bad word about the other parent, nor grandparents. We also make sure they do not hear us talking to anyone about the other parent negatively. That has greatly contributed to a very positive relationship between my former husband and me, and also between my fiance and him. Also my son, and my step-son to be look at my ex with a lot of respect and talk to him, interact with him, and play with him. We do not criticize each other and that is a great practice in my opinion. I feel sorry for those who cannot recognize the damage they are causing to their children and their former spouse by continuing to battle even after the divorce. My fiance’s former wife is like that. Interestingly, her son (my step-son to be) sees the difference between my ex’s communications with me, and his dad’s communication with his mom and he has tried to bridge that gap by asking them to hug, even asking her to hug me (for a greeting), but she refuses to cross that line, that thick border line. I guess some people could never forgive and accept their own mistakes in a relationship, because, remember relationships are made of two, not one person, and everyone plays a certain role in the break up.
i can so relate to all of this!!! i have a boyfriend who has 3 children and thier mother is so dead against them haveing a relationship with us,, she chose to move out and be with another man but still to this day keeps telling their kids it was all their dads fault! she even went through a parenting class witch is required in the state of montana when you get a divorce, i thought for sure she would soak some of that info in but i guess not,his youngest isnt allowed to bring any of her belonging to our house or vise ver sa she isnt allowed to even talk about what goes on over at our house, its so dam fustrating to see her have to be scared and worry if her moms going to get mad !!! what does one do to help these poor kids out cuz they are the victims not her!!!
Parental alienation is a difficult problem to find a solution too it seems – do nothing and eventually you are the bad guy in your children’s eyes. But what is the right action to take?, I’m not so sure. As I have always had a close, open and honest relationship with my children I chose to show them the evidence and let them make up their own minds without saying any negative comments about their mother. I await the long-term outcome of my choice.
Ack!!! I’m dealing with this and it’s killing me inside. My stepson’s mom (a) hates me (b) hates my husband – her ex and (c) has raised my stepson to believe that money is the most important thing in the world, it’s okay to lie to get what you want, it’s okay to be disrespectful of anyone, that his family (my husband’s side) are all losers and that my husband has never helped out.
He believes that his Dad has screwed him. That it’s somehow my fault and is constantly being told that everything my husband and I do for our bio kids together is AGAINST him. As though every penny of my husband’s income should be directed to the ‘original’ child as the other two don’t matter.
I’m at my wits end with this overbearing, disrectful, self-entitled 19 year old man child. I can only thank the Lord he doesn’t live with us. I feel awful about how I feel. I feel awful that his brothers will never really know him and I hate that he’s been lied to so much over his life that he really honest to goodness believes every lie his mother’s taught him.
What do you do? Damned if you do and damned if you dont’. If we buy him an Xmas present, it’s not expensive enough, if we give him B-day money, it’s not enough period. We obviously don’t love him very much if that’s all we’re giving….Mother is well-loaded, we’re just middle class and entitled to a few extra’s arn’t we? Should every extra penny go to the Ex? Are my own kids supposed to do without for the Stepson so he feels more loved?? What to do what to do what to do…I’m beyond frustrated. I hate that he comes over sometimes because I have to watch each and everyword I say and I hate hate that he doesn’t come over more because his Dad misses him and his brothers would LOVE to spend more time with him. When he’s here I’m torn between leaving so they can spend man time and staying so I can see him too. I alternate between liking him and finding him a disrespectful money hungry snot.
Will he ever grow up and see? Will he ever realize what I took on, on his behalf? The fires I had to put out, the sacrifices I made and realize that yep, I do love him. Probably not. What’s worse? That he’ll never know his Dad, really really know him because of all that he’s been told. So many lies.
I was brought up by a step Dad who was awesome…until now. I found my Bio Dad and he’s nothing remotely like what my Mother has told…not even close. She’s now turned me away and now I only have a Bio Dad. No mom.
Why do parents feel as though thier love from thier child has to be at the sacrifice of the other parent? Why can’t that child love both after a divorce? Why can’t that child believe in the best of two people? Don’t they realize that by lying and creating animosity it only hurts the child? Does the child need to know or hear that your ex is a liar? A cheat? An Ass? Maybe as a partner they are, but is there any value in a child believing their parent is horrible? No value. Just hurt.
I love what you have to say in your last paragraph, very well put! Thanks for sharing.
My ex-husband and I have a good relationship. We agree to disagree and embrace what we do agree on. We do not argue or belittle each other when we disagree. We have discussions and work out what needs to be worked out. Not all disagreements need to be worked out because they are minor and just do not fit the mold of either my house or his house.
My husband ex-wife is another story. She absolutely hates me and will stop at nothing to make sure she tries to control how and what we do when she can. We have had to take her to court and we won. We never question her as a mom..she is a good mother. We just fight for the right for our family to function as we need to when the kids are with us. She did try to alienate anyone in my husbands family against him (it worked for a little while until they learned the truth). Now we just go about our business and wait on the next “whatever” she might do. We continue to be nice, respectful and to the point when she pulls her stunts. I feel for every child that is put in situations like this. They did not ask for it and they certainly don’t deserve it.
My best to us all and may we keep taking the high road not only for our children’s benefit but also for our own emotional wellbeing and self respect.
It happened to us too. His ex-wife brainwashed the boys into thinking their dad is an alcoholic and even leaves the divorce papers on the fridge for them to read…what kind of parent does that? Anyway, she acts like she does nothing wrong and we do everything wrong..we do a lot with the boys…so do I. I just do nice things for them and not as favors for her. I dislike her very much, but for the fact that she has done alot of bad things and puts their boys in the middle of it all. She even got remarried to an illegal immigrant and goes for 2 or so weeks at a time to Mexico to see him and leaves the youngest with us…But that is not wrong? Child support is another issue, she works 2 jobs and only claims one on her taxes and claims both boys, her husband and herself. We do things for the boys because we love them. It hasn’t always been enjoyable, but because of this website, I have learned a few things to help it mature along the way.
I just want to encourage the parents that are experiencing these tactics not to give up. My husband’s son went through the same thing with his mother and it took years for the truth to finally surface and now we have such a great relationship with him it makes my eyes tear up everytime I think about him. It takes the child to grow up and actually see what has been going on and perhaps it is when the child becomes a parent themselves to actually know what has been going on all along – but they do finally see. I know for alot of you out there this sounds like a long time to wait and it is but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought why is my husband putting himself through this over and over? But then Finally the day did come when the light of truth shown on my husband and in his son’s mind and it all came together who Really was doing What and my husband never had to say a word against his mother for the truth to finally be realized.
Thanks Wanda, a lot people need to hear this.
Great comments, The whole situation with alienation screws you up inside. I have a similar situation going on with my husband’s ex wife , I have lived with my partner /now husband for 6 yrs, his children with the ex, every 2nd wkend , since the kids were 6 & 8 , they have not known why dad left, the fact was the ex , had a affair, and then didnt want to put things back together. she threatened to leave the family home taking them with her, so my husband, thinking of his children first said , no I will leave, you stay in the family home with the children , so he gladly sorted the maintenance and the visits , and when I came along, he kindly divorced her. she has never told the children what happened , she has been mean and down right ignorant to me and my husband, and there who upbringing has been completely her choice, everything, life there father is a no-one, and the children have never know what side to take , we have never said a word against her in their presence, and have actively encouraged including her in our conversation, the poison can be , by just not saying anything to your children , I believe you should tell them the facts (nicely) and leave them to digest it, why do parents think its a good idea to teach their own children how to disrespect the people that loves them the most , it is the cruelest act of all , and a pure weakness of morals. Now they are leaving the family home (now teenagers) so the ex can go and live with her now partner, ( who’s this man ?) no one ever speaks to us , my husband is just a money provider. I have no children of my own or with my husband, it doesn’t fill us with joy for the future, or even starting our own family. The pain continues, long after the events.
My Husband & I are well aware of all the negative things that are said to my step daughter, most of the things said are either twisted to make us look bad or just outright lies we find it very frustrating. We have both agreed that we will always try to be as truthful as possible with my step daughter without entering into emotional games or bad mouthing her mum to her, she is already dealing with enough of that behavior from her mother. We try to stay consistent and be as loving and supportive as we can. We are lucky in that my step daughter is intelligent enough and can see through it. They can say what they want but when she comes to our home and only finds love and support and is always treated with respect the negative talk becomes pointless. I know it’s hard to take and it makes you feel helpless and it’s easy as an outsider to say this but try to hang in there, because one day when your step son has grown up he can look back and say no matter what you were always there even when it was so hard for you.
I know because I was a child of a blended family as well and I constantly heard what a bad person my dad was and for a while I bought into it. When I grew up I decided that I wanted to find out about my dad for myself and I eventually reunited with him. It was the best 4 years we ever had Dad passed away 3 years ago and I will always remember him with love and fondness he was one of my best friends I found I could talk to him about anything it’s never too late. My thoughts and wishes are with you and your husband in this difficult time.
Wow, were was this blog two years ago!!! When my husband and I got together he had two children a son seven and a daughter nine. At one point his ex didnt want either one of the kids and then later just wanted the daughter. As soon as his ex heard that we were getting serious she tried to get back with him but it obviously didnt happen. She would talk negatively about my husband as well as myself to both the kids. At one point she called CPS on my husband and said he was hitting the children (completely false) they did their investigation and dropped it. We had 50/50 custody at the time. We could not do anything right according to the kids, they hated my food, the way we talked, their seperate rooms, everything that had to do with us and our home. My husbands ex was ALWAYS calling to yell and him or me in front of the children. It went as far as the ex calling the cops to say I had tried to KIll her son!!! HOW crazy and psycho and COMPLETELY FALSE. The investigator dropped the case because it was again obviously false. It almost ripped my family apart. But we always talked things through and stayed persistan because we knew the kids did not understand what they were doing, they were just trying to make their mother happy. We fought long and hard and after having the kids taken aways from us for about six month(during the investigations and court hearings) we got back our 50/50 custody. Our original arrangement we didnt pay her anything in child support in the new one we payed her $1200, what a turn around money makes. Knock on wood, but initally the kids were upset and said they hated us trying to take them from thier mother. Now we are a family. Truely we have a rough spot here and there but we all work together, ex and all. ITs taken us a long time to get her but throught prayer and percerverance we have prevailed. So just hang in their dont let the fight break up your marriages and just be open as possible and things will work out. I never thought they would when we were in our darkest times, but we are now in the light and we can enjoy our family and non-traditional as it may be. ——–or maybe its more traditional than I thougt.
I am remarried to a man that has 3 kids – I have 2. In the past I had a bad relationship with my ex, and I regretfully admit that I have let words of anger about my ex slip out of my mouth. But – the terrible things he exposes our children to, and the rotten things he says about me are beyond anything that I have ever said. My kids have gotten to the age where they now block out most of the things that he says.
My current husband has a decent relationship with his ex (who is now married to their ex next door neighbor – a relationship that nearly killed my currently husband emotionally). He is very careful about maintianing an amicable relationship with her for the childrens’ sake – even to the point of jeopardizing our relationship. He lost his job a few months ago, and picks up his children after school in lieu of paying child support (he has them 50% of the time, and is only supposed to be paying 50% of their expenses). This year, I put his children on my health insurance b/c I have a better plan, and it was going to save his ex on the incremental insurance cost. I pay most of our bills with the money I earn at my job. He has been doing side jobs here and there. Recently, his son had to have a procedure. I spoke to his ex about our medical coverage and she was so happy with our plan because it was going to save her hundreds of $$$ on the procedure. Then, I found out that she asked him to pay for 1/2 of the out-of-pocket and he told her yes – without even talking to me about it! I pay for everything for his kids when they are at our house. I pay for the gas, car and insurance for the vehicle that picks them up from school every day to save her money on childcare expenses. Am I wrong to be upset? I feel that he places more importance on his relationship with her than on our marriage. Help!?!?!?
Thanks for sharing and offering some hope and encouragement to others Deb!
I’ve been divorced for several years and I am recently remarried. In the first years of my divorce I struggled with my ex wife to spend time with my son, having to enforce my visitation rights. From the time my son was 3 my wife and I have worked hard at keep a civil relationship for our sons’ sake. We had to overcome our disappointments in one another by eventually putting our sons ‘well being first. I won’t tell you that it hasn’t been hard or even unfair at times but each of us had to bite our tongues and ignore the other to maintain as much of a safe and secure environment for our son, considering the divorce. I will tell you that to secure the best environment for children of divorce is for both parents to work at coming to an agreement of putting the childrens’ well being first, before responding to any situation. I will also tell you that just because you may get the victory today, it doesn’t mean that you still may not have to deal with conflict down the road; we have to remember that our children didn’t ask to be in this situation we as parents have to take the responsibility.
My relationship with my ex-wife has improved greatly with time, and with my attention to healing the wounds we incurred. I took a course called the Landmark Forum, and I saw that makingn her wrong was not workable, so I stopped. Then, she eventually decreased her criticism of me. Our kids are doing better. My fiancee encouraged me to pursue the transformation, and has been very supportive of our healing path. I finally took on being responsible for what happens between us, and the results are gratifying.
I too find myself and my husband victims of PAS. I have been doing massive amounts of reading up on this. My step-daughter has gone from us almost pushing her to go see her mother to now living with her full time and the only reason we see her is because the Judge was insightful enough to give us an interim order for alternating weekends and every Wed night. She is now 15 and her mother has told her that she only has to do this until she is 16 then she can pretty much tell her father to take a flying leap. The mother and daughter are now using my husband as a pawn to do things, and he does out of fear, that no one should have to do. It is a horrid thing that has caused a lot of hard feelings in our family. I have two teenage girls that live full time in our home, and they feel rejected, betrayed, less than, and very angry at how the daughter treats their step-father. I have read a fair amount on PAS but I am still searching on how to manage it with an adolecent child. Any suggestions?
I’ve been a step mom for approx 5 yrs. We’ve been blending since my step daughter was just over one yr old. Her bio mother has the system fooled into thinking that she is the best parent on earth. She’s threatened my partner and me, as far as can, with phrases like, ” YOU WILL NEVER GET HER, YOU MIGHT BETTER GIVE HER UP TO ME.” The father and I have been fighting her since she took my step daughter away on her first birthday and finally the father wouldn’t let the mother back in his life. The mother emotionaly and physicaly scares my step daughter into saying that she’ll never be able to see her mother ever again, if she doesn’t comply with her. We are at the point of getting a children’s lawyer for my preasous step daughter of only 6 yrs old. I don’t understand why the CAS won’t look at the facts. The mother beat the father for 17 yrs and he didn’t know any different until he met me. The mother hits and lashes out at my stepdaughter, if she says my name in from of her. We can’t get anyone to listen, so maybe this lawyer with help this poor child blend with us full time. My step daughter is an emotional wreck. It shows at school and with other parents in their neighbourhood. How do I get the system; CAS; lawyer to read our case? It’s plain to see in the court papers that the mother is not right. She needs help with the lies and deceit that are slowly turning onto her. I know her mother loves her in her own way and I can respect that, but she’s pushing my step daughter to her limits. Even the CAS is concerned about her emotional state, that the court may have to take my step daughter from both her parents, beacause they can’t even see the other without conflict. My step daughter is lashing out at school and at home, but the mother says it’s ok cause of her age. What can I do as a step mom? It seems that I have no rights, and nobody will listen to me………….hope my step daughter will tell all to her lawyer. And if so, there should be no doubt, what so ever, that she belongs in our home full time…………please prey for us. I love being a step mom, but if becomes so difficult because of the mother brain washing our girl. How do I get ppl to listen?……………Lucy
My husband and I went through this for the first two years we were together. It was the hardest time in my life and I wish it upon no one. My husbands ex tried allientating his son and daughter from us. She used me as the pawn in her game when she was failing and got repremanded by the courts for falsely accusing my husband of child abuse. As a step-parent we have NO RIGHTS. When it comes to the courts we have NO VOICE. NOBODOY wants to hear our side or what we have to say. If the kids believe something to be true then it is. This type of situtation almost lost my husband custody of his two children. All the while his ex was in the ears of the children, your dad loves them (me and my son-with my husband) more that he loves you. He is not your real brother. Your dad is trying to hurt our family etc etc….. When such lies are being said and there is no way for you to defend yourself, it is the worst thing in the world. Thank God, I have a loving and supportive husband and even though we had our difficulties we were able to stat srtong and together because we knew our intentions and our actions were coming from a postive and good place. I never knew someone could be so malicious and not ever think about the end result the affect it would have on the children. But as I said we got through it and today we AGAIN have 50/50 custody of the children. We are all in a better place and NOW that the ex seems to be better of emotionally and finacially she is a lot better mother and person. We can all communicate and do what is truely best for the children…..It was a long hard road, that I thought would never end or that it would lead to a cliff we would eventually fall from. BUT it improved and we made it through the darkness to were we can now celebrate our family and our lives with ALL our children. Dont get me wrong we still have our issues but together we will overcome. My relationship and my husbands relationship with his son and daughter have sooo much improved. And I know that my relationship with my husband is stronger and togher than ever and that how we made it through with the support of eachother.
Thanks for sharing your experience Debra. It’s great you and your husband managed to stay strong in the face of such adversity. Your perserverance has paid off, bless you!
Twenty years ago, I was one of the victims who lost custody of my children due to a disturbed Court appointed psychologist. I had minimal visitation rights which ended up with no visitation at all due to PAS. The kids have since returned and are on their way to a bright future. They came back to me on their own right after highschool. Today, I am now going through this with my husband of ten years marriage, his ex has Munchausen By-Proxy and their 15 year old daughter is being alienated from her father. The Court is having a difficult time making decisions. I fear we will lose his daughter and for who knows how long. The mother has her on three strong psychotic meds with no original diagnosis. We hardly see her as it is, we are going to have an upcoming Court decision to be made. This is a never-ending sad situation. If the Court cannot decide what to do about the mother’s illness, where do we go from here?
I am the mother of a daughter and son, a year apart. When they were 2 and 3 their dad and I separated. He hired a father’s rights attorney and got primary custody. We had 50/50 legal custody, but he lied about his 6 figure income and I was ordered to pay him child support for over seven years. I went from home mom to a slave to supporting my ex and only seeing my babies on the weekends. Over the past 20 years, he has taken me to court 27 times, spent over $300,000.00 of his family and friends money in attorney’s fees and private investigators on the divorce. He garnished my wages, levied my bank accounts, lied to law enforcement, judges and even had me arrested for volunteering in the kid’s elementary school. He has lied and lied and lied… Five years ago, when the kids were starting high school, he pulled out all the stops and made the kids write letters to the court stating they wished not to have visitation with me. He threatened them that he would never see them again if they didn’t. Me nor my friends and family have seen, spoken or shared time with my children since that time. Over five years! Complete alienation. I had to sneak to see them at events, so they would not get in trouble from their dad. Now they are 20 and 21 years old and they still believe their dads lies. I saw my daughter for the 1st time this year when her dad was away and she, full of tears, told me she was a mess but felt powerless to change the situation. The second ex-wife of my ex has made a full confession of her part in the alienation. They were married ten years. She has already been to court with him 15 times in three years over custody and his lies and continued attempt to alienate his children from their loving mothers. The courts should see the blatant abuse of the system and do something about it. Pure evil narcissist!
My husband and I have been going through this for 11 years now. My step-son just turned 15, my husband has 50/50 custody of him. My step-son’s mother has tried everything imaginable to alienate him from us. she hates me and verbally expresses her feelings about me to my step-son, she text messages him while he is at school telling him that she is sorry that I am such a mean person, she tells him to just ignore me when he is at my house, she tells him not to listen to my rules and to stand up to me, she tells him that my husband, his father is never around for him and never pays for anything for him and she tells him that my husband never pays his child support, which he does pay it every week! – He is failing classes as a freshman right now and his mother doesn’t even care! he is not eligible to play school sports because of his grades, but his mother goes behind my husbands back and signs him up to play a rec sport. We are the only ones who care about his grades and we have him stay after school on our custody days for extra help, he is grounded while at our house because of his grades, but his mother never grounds him for anything, we make him do 1 hr of homework and studying every night, and his mother never makes him do his homework. so needless to say, he hates having to come to our house because we have rules and give him responsibility and consequences, while his mother lets him do whatever he wants and her 4 other ex-husbands and frequent boyfriends never have real jobs so they can have fun with him at her house and play video games, etc all day. On top of all that, my husband and I have 2 kids of our own, and my step-sons mother tells him its ok to be mean and tease his siblings at my house! he is 15 years old though, and if we went to court it would be a waste of time and money because he would just tell the judge he wants to live only with his mother_ and what 15yr old wouldn’t when there are no rules or anything there! It is so stressful on my family and my 2 kids, we just don’t know what to do?? Do we just let her have him, and wait for him to grow up to realize what was best for him? it has come to the point that I don’t even want him at our house anymore, but if we just let him live with her I know that he will end up flunking out of high school and never amount to anything!!!
I’m in kind of a reverse situation I feel. My ex and I get along really great. He is my best friend actually. We have a two year old son together. But he recently started dating this sex offender. I feel lie she has massive control issues. Usually my ex and I don’t fight over anything and agree and if one of us can’t cut it one month the other takes up the slack for our son. We made an agreement when he was born that we wanted to provide the best support system we could for him no matter if we were together or not. We decided it would be
better for him for us not to date any more because we fought allot, but we don’t now. We compromise, we talk, we even spend the holidays together do he had both of his parents. Also because his family is the closest family I have. Everyone is happy. We have even hung out with every one. Everyone being her, her husband (yes she is still married and both him and her are living with her husband and son) her son, our son, him and me. But she feels my exs and my friendship is wrong, and he shouldn’t come over to see our son at my house. She feels that it has to be at her house every time. I have tried to compromise and let my son over there with just them most of the time, but lately she has stated that my ex and I aren’t to interact without her supervision. She even stated that she wanted to be present every time my ex saw our son. I feel like what my ex and I naturally come up with concerning getting along and not fighting over our son is very healthy. But she thinks it’s inappropriate. I feel like she wants me cut out. My ex says that she is just bipolar and refuses to take her meds and she will cycle though it and I should be understanding. I’m not sure what to do in this situation.
I no longer feel crazy. As I’ve been reading these posts, it is difficult, yet comforting to know that it’s NOT just me!
I’ve been married to my husband for almost 5 years and almost the entirety of our marriage was spent in court dealing with is ex. We got temporary custody of my stepdaughter in 2009 and sole custody and control in 2011. I won’t bore you with the craziness that I personally had to endure with his ex, but here we are 2 years later and I’m still subjected to it. I’ve asked my husband to send her back for my peace of mind. I don’t know what to do as he is not willing to do that. It is putting a strain on our marriage and I feel like a prisoner in my home because I have to be cautious about what I say or do, if I don’t want her mother to know. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing/saying anything wrong, but whatever happens in our house is twisted and turned. For example, my stepdaughter’s mom told her she does not have to do chores because I am treating her like Cinderella and I’m the wicked stepmom. She also told her that the chemicals will kill her.
While we dispelled that lie, my daughter does not do any chores unless told to, and even then, she half does them. I don’t know what to do. I love my husband, but this is becoming too much because he can’t see the issues that I’m dealing with. Thanks for ‘listening’.
You have no idea how glad I was to find this page a week ago. I have reread comment after comment and find immense comfort in knowing that there are other women out there who have to endure the ‘poison’ of their husbands ex!! My story is not much different from the initial post. I desperately need advice from someone who understands. My six year old step daughter is the bearer of her mother’s poison. She visits every second week for four nights and not one of these days is free from horrible comments and statements that have been planted into her head by her mum and her mum’s mum. I generally cope okay with dealing with this behaviour, but lately it’s started effecting my 16month old son. She has obviously been told that she has been replaced by her half brother just like her mum was replaced by me (not that I have to tell you but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t meet my husband until his daughter was two – 18months after he had separated from his ex). Anyways, his daughter does things like steal his stuff, break his stuff, talk meanly to him and the worst thing is the competition for affection she’s elicited between herself and our son towards their dad. She won’t ever let my son play with his dad one on one. She’s forever jumping on top of my husband talking like a baby wanting cuddles and just being silly (obviously she is allowed to want affection but it’s the way she goes about it). She gets jealous when my husband gives our son a ride in the wheelbarrow, on his shoulders, etc. She wants her turn. She doean’t appreciate that my husband works all week and that her half brother also hasn’t seen his dad all week. she thinks the weekends should be her turn I have another baby due in six months and I can’t deal with the thought of living in a home full of so much jealousy. How do I stop it? Lessen it? I feel like competing against the brainwashing that happens with her mum means the only person I have the power to work with is our son… and he’s 16 months. He doesn’t understand who this person is that comes and goes, breaks his stuff, impedes on this new special bond he is trying to create with his dad. I don’t want my step daughter to get no quality time with her dad but I don’t want her to bring this contempt into our home whereby our children feel like one is loved more than the other / one deserves more attention than another / etc.