Archive for April, 2010

Adele Cornish, BSW

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Experiences of a stepmother

‘Part of the parcel’ of divorce is that eventually children of divorce get to an age where they want to choose who they live with. But what happens when it’s NOT you they choose.

I recently started a blog for fathers whose children had made the decision not to live with them.

I asked men how this affected their relationship with their partner and children. A HUGE thank you to those who responded. You can check out the responses by clicking here

The issue of blame arose so I will touch on this briefly.

It is normal to grieve the loss or diminished contact with your children if they choose to live with their other parent. Part of the grieving process includes anger and stemming from this, blame. Although deep down people can blame themselves, it can also be tempting to blame stepmothers; according to research, children more readily accept a stepfather figure as opposed to a stepmother. The thing about blame is that it serves no useful purpose and builds further resentments so one needs to move beyond this natural part of the grieving process.

I promised stepmothers the opportunity to share how this issue has impacted your blended family. Please write how you worked through this experience as a couple to maintain a strong relationship.

Warm regards
Adele Cornish

Fathers: Losing your children

This blog is specifically for fathers in a blended family whose children have chosen to live apart from them.

See if you identify with this comment:

I lost both of my kids. They will not talk to me etc. Granted, they are older (20 and 25) but it still hurts.

Blended families all have one thing in common: children from a previous relationship.

In the case of divorce, it’s typical for mother’s to receive custody of their children however joint custody arrangements and fathers gaining custody is now more common.   ‘Part of the parcel’ of divorce is that eventually children of divorce get to an age where they want to choose who they live with.  But what happens when it’s NOT you they choose?  If you are a biological father in a blended family who has experienced this, how did you react? How did it affect your relationship with your partner?  What did you do to maintain your relationship with your children?

Men, here’s your chance to offer some encouragement to other men struggling with this issue.  Please share your response below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. In your response please don’t focus on what your children or ex have done.  Be specific about what YOU have done to get through this.

p.p.s You can remain anonymous if you wish

p.p.p.s Stepmothers:  keep your eye out for my upcoming blog where you can share how this issue has impacted your blended family.