10 Transforming Tactics

1. Have patience and realistic expectations. It can take an average of seven years for blended family members to build relationships and function as a genuinely united team! Don’t base your love on feelings because feelings change with circumstances. It takes patience to wait for family members to become familiar with expectations and comfortable in their role.

2. Make your spouse’s needs a priority. The strength of your couple relationship provides the foundation for success. This is not about meeting your partner’s needs at the expense of your children; their needs remain a top priority too but consider the needs of one in conjunction with the other. Time alone with children, supporting each other as a parent AND having time out as a couple is equally important.

3. Forgive each other and yourself for the mistakes you have made. Take responsibility for actions that have caused others pain by acknowledging your own wrong and apologizing where appropriate. Forgiveness is an attitude, not feeling. Let go the guilt associated with the past and plan for the future. We can be guided by the past but we can’t change it. However, we can determine our future.

4. Manage your emotions; they have the potential to destroy relationships. Anger itself is not bad but we can let it lead us down a bad track. The adrenaline rush that comes from that initial burst of anger lasts only 10 seconds, after that we feed it ourselves. Don’t let emotions to take over when you feel wronged. Use this tool; “A soft word turns away anger”. Try it and see for yourself.

5. Present a united front to children; encourage and support each other in front of the children. Resolve issues privately where there is a difference of opinion. Siding with your child over your spouse encourages them to disrespect your spouse, don’t do it.

6. Both the biological and stepparent should decide together on and implement firm fair rules or expectations and consequences of behavior. Familiarize your children with them so they can predict outcomes of behavior. These boundaries give children a sense of security. Stepparents, support the biological parent to enforce consequences of noncompliance. If parents can agree together on rules, expectations and roles, the biological parent will not feel their loyalties are being divided.

7. Don’t let guilt motivate your behavior. You cannot buy your child’s love and respect. They want and need quality time and the protection of boundaries. Don’t make excuses for your children’s behavior. Dealing appropriately with undesirable behavior develops your child’s character. Allowing guilt to motivate your parenting is destructive to children and your relationship.

8. Focus on what you can control, not what you can’t. An ex-partner may try to control what happens in your home. Refuse to be drawn into battle with the ex-partner. If you are consistent in your approach in your home and the children are familiar with your expectations, it becomes much easier for them to adapt to the rules.

9. Encourage those around you; it goes a long way towards building relationships. Encouragement brings life to relationships just as criticism brings death. In a relationship we need to know we are loved and accepted despite our faults. Use words and actions to show your love and appreciation of those closest to you.

10. Success begins in your mind; choose to succeed. Monitor your attitude or self talk. Is it negative and hopeless? Take control over your thoughts. Focus on solving current issues. You need to first think positively before you can act positively. You must first believe you can succeed before it will happen. Be committed to work towards success. You can do it!

Each of these tactics has holds a key to transforming your relationships. They are explained in greater detail in the Blending Lives Program. You will have the opportunity to focus on how they apply to your experience and reflect on positive changes you can make. Pick one that you will work on right now!

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